Is he rude? Think I've made a mistake

[BossyFlossy]

I'm recently married and much as I never once doubted whether or not it was the right thing to do I'm now very rapidly starting to wonder if I've made a huge mistake. 2 months in this is! he's constantly on his phone totally absorbed with the non stop news feed or scouring Facebook, so much so he will lie in bed on a Saturday morning, all morning, reading articles. That recently came to a head as a felt like an accessory! I've had to also pull him up on the fact that sometimes I will say something to him and he will totally ignore me. He said it was because he has no response to what I told him but you don't just ignore/blank people do you?! He's done it to my friends too. I have had to pacify a couple of friends in the last year because they have tried striking up a conversation with him and he's blanked them. At a gig in the summer my friends sister let us stay over. She'd never met either of us before so it was extremely kind of her. I was both furious and extremely embraces afterwards as he spent the entire time at her house watching the rugby on his news. Even at breakfast the following day he stared at the news on his phone and refused to engage in conversation. Turned out he wasn't impressed we were at the concert with them as he'd thought we would be staying at their house but going to the concert just the two of us. They saved us a 5 hour journey home offering us a bed for the night and he didn't even bother speaking to them! But his latest thing is going to kill the relationship for good. If he is standing back to let me go first or would like us to leave somewhere or for me to get out of the way he will actually gesture with his head for me to 'come on' not dissimilar to what you save for a naughty child who won't get a move on! I'm at my wits end with it all I really am. I've tried raising it and I've done that in it being about me and how it makes me feel but all that results in is his high pitched defensiveness and being told in no uncertain terms that there's nothing wrong with it, I'm the only person to have ever raised it and it's my issue. I'm certainly not going to continue like this. I need a sanity check, am I being over reactive when on other levels his a perfectly normal guy with a good job and no signs of controlling behaviours whatsoever. Is he just seriously lacking in good manners?!

[ShatteredLady]

When you say that he basically sulked & punished you by being incredibly rude to your friends after they were so kind it REALLY reminded me of my husbands passive aggressive 'events'.

 

You were being punished for not going to the concert the way HE WANTED IT but he didn't tell you that he felt that way before AND he left you guessing WHY?!? until he decided to tell you.

 

That's passive aggressive & in my experience it only gets worse!

 

I can drive myself insane trying to figure out what I've done wrong. We can spend days, even weeks having a miserable time because I'm being punished for something that could of been avoided with one sentence!!

 

I'm very easy going & a people pleaser to a fault. It's a horrible character trait to live with.

 

Let me give you a recent example....

 

We had planned a Mexican food night. Just this stacked dish that I sometimes make as a treat. It takes a lot of preparation (that's very hard for me with my spine condition) so I spent 2 days buying, chopping, grating etc.

 

My H walked in from work in a great mood! He handed me flowers. I gave him a huge hug & kiss & started arranging the flowers while he got changed. Then he was distant. I was more affectionate to 'fix' things. He withdrew more. I clinger more..

 

He made himself a drink & snapped "I'm not making you one. I assume you've already got one!". I didn't. He started cleaning & slamming things around. I started to get very anxious (we've been through a very hard time in our marriage) & instinctively did the beaten puppy dog whimpering, trying to cuddle thing.

 

He started shouting at me because there was a smell in the sink! I started crying but pretending I wasn't because the kids were there. I hid in the bathroom for a while.

 

Obviously, I'd been asking what's wrong the whole time but that just enraged him more!

 

He got a frozen left-overs meal & put it in the microwave. I was upset because I'd spent so much time (& pain) preparing the Mexican dish (it just needed 10 minutes in the already heated oven) but I assumed he'd changed his mind.

 

He spent most of the night smoking in the garage & playing with his phone/computer. The silent treatment went on all night. He refused to say anything other than the occasional yes/no.

 

It was particularly painful because I was waiting for the results from my latest cancer surgery & we're in reconciliation from his affair. I'm VERY emotionally fragile & my imagination was giving me extreme panic attacks.

 

Anyway....eventually I got it out of him. He had expected to walk through the door, have a drink handed to him in a house filled with yummy cooking smells.

 

I knew he would come home, get changed, go in the garage for a smoke & then be ready to eat (30-45 mins). The meal cooks VERY fast & tastes best hot.

 

All he needed to say was "I'm hungry, can we eat now?" & I would of taken the dish from the refrigerator & popped it in the oven rather than following him around like a wet puppy trying to kiss & cuddle it better not knowing what I'd done wrong!!

 

Welcome to my life!

 

Research "Passive Aggressive" & "The Silent Treatment". BOTH are abuse & psychologically very damaging to live with. Walking on egg shells changes who you are as a person.

 

This is more than rudeness. He needs to 'fix' this with therapy or I'd escape before you wake one day & don't even recognize yourself anymore.

[TaraMaiden2]

How long have you guys actually been together, dating?

How long were you engaged....?

 

...And there was no clue to this behaviour BEFORE you were married?