Putting your life on hold for family.

[preraph]

I've been through three either guardianships or Power of Attorneys -- four actually. On one of them, the first, I was not working, so I spent a lot of time there, but I wasn't doing the nursemaiding. I was taking care of business and hiring caretaker staff. The others, I was too busy working and there was no way to take care of myself otherwise, and I basically just helped see to the business and getting caretakers again. A doctor can refer them to have "in-home" care in the US. It may not last forever. Eventually they all ended up in a nursing home, one for a long time, because his mind was gone way before his body. But one wasn't there very long at all. I believe in trying to keep them at home.

 

Your dad saying take care of your mother doesn't have to mean right there in the home without help. The fact is at the point they really need help, one person can't do it. At that point they need round-the-clock and more than one person to turn them and all that because they will be unable to get around and become incontinent as well. At some point, you will have to have more help. Until then, do as much as you can. But just know that day will come and no one person can do it all. Good luck with that. Believe me, I know how depressing it is.

[Tayla]

It does depend how you were brought up though.

 

I have absolutely nothing to thank my mother for. She was a manipulative, abusive narcissist who put herself first constantly and controlled my life to the extent I wasnt allowed to leave the house without her. At 16 years old I had never been out of the house alone.

 

When the time comes, I will throw her in a nursing home and let her rot. Because it is what she deserves.

 

I'm sincerely sorry to read of your upbringing. Indeed you are following a family trait. luckily the state will send you the bill for your moms care. Funny thing about parents, they had 30 years that you have no idea what they genuinely went thru. So god bless you for saving yourself and getting on with your life. Life will go full circle.

[BettyDraper]

i would do anything for my mother (dad died two years ago) b/c without her i wouldn't even be here. personally, it's incredibly selfish to think of yourself and your needs when someone who probably sacrificed a great deal of their dreams and hopes for you in their younger years now needs some care and love. think of what your parent sacrificed for you all those years of their life and give back.so many cultures do it right, by caring for the elderly without a second thought. your Westernized notions of 'me me me' are showing.

 

If someone doesn't want to care for his elderly parents, there could be a history of abuse that I am not aware of. This is why I feel it is ignorant and presumptuous to automatically shame an adult who chooses not to look after his parents.

 

The inability to consider alternate ways of approaching life is a sad sign of an uneducated and lazy mind. When I say "uneducated", I am not purely referring to formal education. I am talking about being open to learning about others rather than jumping to negative conclusions or dismissing their choices just because they are different from yours.

 

This is coming from someone who is not close to her mother but would still look after her if she was incapacitated.

I refuse to take shots at others just because they wouldn't make the same choice. That would be silly.

[BettyDraper]

I'm sincerely sorry to read of your upbringing. Indeed you are following a family trait. luckily the state will send you the bill for your moms care. Funny thing about parents, they had 30 years that you have no idea what they genuinely went thru. So god bless you for saving yourself and getting on with your life. Life will go full circle.

 

If parents went through hard times before they have children, does that mean that they have the right to be cruel to their offspring?

 

Do you think that The Golden Rule does not apply to parental relationships with children? I don't see how parental sacrifices and difficulties gives parents licence to be loathsome and abusive.

 

My father did not have an easy life but he was kind of his children 95% of the time. He was also humble enough to apologize when he was wrong. This is likely one of the reasons he maintains close relationships with all of his children.

 

When you say the Amelie1980 is "following a family trait", do you mean that she is also narcissistic just because she escaped abuse?

I notice that you have a hard time grasping that parents are not entitled to respect if they are awful to their children. You seem to think that parents making sacrifices or suffering hardships gives them carte blanche to mistreat their children. Correct me if I'm wrong because I realize that my perception could be erroneous.

Edited January 22, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Els]

you can get your own life balance back when they die. what is a few years out of your life. it's showing basic compassion towards another human being, even if you remove the fact that they are a parent. it's compassion for someone who is aging and needs your assistance. a lot of people show more compassion to complete strangers and pets than their own family. how can the elderly feel good about growing old when they have kids with your mentality?

 

I'm not really sure why you're picking on my post when further down the page you liked several posts that were saying the exact same thing - that it's good to care but you have to have balance, not sacrifice your life for your parents. Reading comprehension perhaps?

 

Nobody is arguing against 'basic compassion'. It is not, however, merely 'basic compassion' when you are forgoing a career, relationships, and friendships entirely to care for your parent. Why do you think it has to be either 0% or 100%?

 

As for "you can get your own life balance back when they die. what is a few years out of your life", I sincerely hope that you're not saying you think the OP's mother will die in a few years' time because that is indeed truly awful. You should hope for your parents to have a long life and plan as if they will.

[Els]

^^^^This^^^^ I commend. Only in America or Western Society will you find the "Me generation" speaking so vehemently against Honor for their parents.

 

Yeah... Asian here. Nice assumption you have there. Not all Asians blindly follow traditional mores without thinking for themselves.

 

So well said though of you to remind folks that You are indeed living YOUR life when giving to others who are in need. Funny how folks will say how they will be true to their spouse ( non blood) that should an accident occur , they'd be there. Yet a parent who freely loved, natured and welcomed them into adulthood could shun them near the end of their life. ... The Asian community have more reverence...We could learn from that...

 

I should find the article on this very mindset studied in our society. Interesting read. WHen I do, I'll post for further review.

 

The OP though is challenged by maintaining self sufficiency, so It stands to reason to not expect or suggest that attending to someone else is in his nature. OP- Get Govt assistance.

 

Expecting 'reverence' just because you made the decision to have children is truly staggering and reeks of entitlement (not saying the OP's mother is, just you). If the only reason you had children was so that you would have someone to 'honor' and take care of you in your old age, perhaps you should review the reasons for your decision. IMO every adult should do their best to plan to be self-sufficient for as long as possible regardless of whether or not they have kids, instead of foisting that burden upon their children without consent.

 

Now, again, I am not advocating children abandon their parents, and if a child has a good relationship with their parent and chooses to help their parent while still maintaining their own life, then that is all fine and good. But it should not be an expectation that your child's life should revolve around caring for you full-time just by virtue of the fact that you chose to procreate.

[Els]

My dad's last words, other than I love you and good-bye, were, "Do a good job and win."

 

This is beautiful, BlueIris. So sorry to hear about your dad, he sounds like a truly amazing person.

 

One of my friends had just gone abroad to further her career when her mother was diagnosed with cancer. She was contemplating quitting her job and coming back to look after her mother full-time, but the mother absolutely forbade it. She didn't want her children sacrificing their lives just to be with her, she wanted them to have full lives and good careers so that after she was gone, they would be able to take care of themselves and have their own friends or family around them.

 

So my friend would call her mother up often and travel back often to see her, but otherwise she went on with life, went on to have a great career and a great SO, I think they are now engaged.

 

Her mother unfortunately relapsed, but she was happy because her children were doing well in their lives and are happy themselves. She is a huge inspiration to me and such a beautiful spirit, the embodiment of everything a loving mother is in my opinion. I think a parent who truly loves their child would say/do what your dad and her mom did, instead of acting as if they were entitled to their child sacrificing their life for them.

 

To be fair, some children still choose to do so despite their parents urging them to go on with life, and that is their prerogative, which doesn't reflect negatively on the parent. But if a parent acts as if they expect their child to care for them full-time without even considering alternatives (a hired caregiver etc), I don't think they truly care for their child's well-being, which is rather sad. It's as if they viewed having children like putting money into their retirement account - purely a return on investment thing.

Edited January 22, 2016 by Elswyth

[truthtripper]

It does depend how you were brought up though.

 

I have absolutely nothing to thank my mother for. She was a manipulative, abusive narcissist who put herself first constantly and controlled my life to the extent I wasnt allowed to leave the house without her. At 16 years old I had never been out of the house alone.

 

When the time comes, I will throw her in a nursing home and let her rot. Because it is what she deserves.

Last year my mother almost died from pneumonia. She is now dependant on an oxygen concentrator. I have torturous mixed feelings about helping her, but my father cannot cope on his own. Recently I've been having flashbacks about her abuse. She used to hit me with a clay vase I made at school. One day she hit me so hard it broke into pieces-all because I couldn't understand my maths homework. This is one small example of how she used to treat me.

 

It really is not that simple taking care of ageing parents for many people. We should not be judged if we choose not to.

[BettyDraper]

Last year my mother almost died from pneumonia. She is now dependant on an oxygen concentrator. I have torturous mixed feelings about helping her, but my father cannot cope on his own. Recently I've been having flashbacks about her abuse. She used to hit me with a clay vase I made at school. One day she hit me so hard it broke into pieces-all because I couldn't understand my maths homework. This is one small example of how she used to treat me.

 

It really is not that simple taking care of ageing parents for many people. We should not be judged if we choose not to.

 

I think that some parents treat their children like possessions and not people. Then they can't handle their adult children making the decision to protect themselves emotionally. It's very narcissistic and perverse.

 

My mother is very sad that we are not close and the fact that I don't want children. She is finally trying to be kinder to me now and that is great but I still feel the need to be mindful of tending to my emotional well being. I know that my mother's hateful vitriol is lurking under the surface.

 

She likes to tell me that she loves me when we talk on the phone and I return the sentiment only to be polite. The truth is, I find it nearly impossible to love someone who was supposed to protect me but instead chose to be emotionally and physically abusive. I was not a perfect daughter but I was a very well behaved one. Sadly, my mother did not appreciate how blessed she was to have a good child until the relationship was too damaged. My mother is very lucky that I didn't report her abuse because she would have been arrested and I would have been removed from the home.

 

I am very curious to see if Tayla and newmoon think that abusive parents deserve reverence and caretaking in old age. I also wonder if they believe that parental sacrifices are licence to be abusive.

[truthtripper]

I think that some parents treat their children like possessions and not people. Then they can't handle their adult children making the decision to protect themselves emotionally. It's very narcissistic and perverse.

 

My mother is very sad that we are not close and the fact that I don't want children. She is finally trying to be kinder to me now and that is great but I still feel the need to be mindful of tending to my emotional well being. I know that my mother's hateful vitriol is lurking under the surface.

 

She likes to tell me that she loves me when we talk on the phone and I return the sentiment only to be polite. The truth is, I find it nearly impossible to love someone who was supposed to protect me but instead chose to be emotionally and physically abusive. I was not a perfect daughter but I was a very well behaved one. Sadly, my mother did not appreciate how blessed she was to have a good child until the relationship was too damaged. My mother is very lucky that I didn't report her abuse because she would have been arrested and I would have been removed from the home.

 

I am very curious to see if Tayla and newmoon think that abusive parents deserve reverence and caretaking in old age. I also wonder if they believe that parental sacrifices are licence to be abusive.

Yes, this is what's so abusive, that they can be wonderfully kind and seemingly loving and suddenly turn on you, like Jekyll and Hyde. I struggle to be kind to my mother, also like you, always aware of the serpent lurking beneath.

 

I believe the people who don't understand our anguish, are in denial about their own abuse.

[carhill]

The folks who pointed up abusive parents make a really good point and it didn't gel for me until reading those comments.....

 

I often, while married, heard horror stories of my exW's childhood, most poignantly the abuses of boyfriends of her mother and neglect. One example she'd often use was that there were five kids needing food and the larder was empty but there were beer and cigarettes around. It just occurred to me that a lot of her anger at me for taking care of my mom may have come from anger over her own parental relationships.

 

I don't see this as an issue for the OP because they don't seem to have any complaints about their mother other than she's old and infirm. No old tapes playing. Those old tapes die hard. Sometimes they never die. IME, if I'd had that kind of experience I'd have erased the parents and wouldn't know if they were alive or dead. I've done that with other family members. Hence, it wouldn't be a care choice because, well, they wouldn't exist in any meaningful way.

[newmoon]

I'm not really sure why you're picking on my post when further down the page you liked several posts that were saying the exact same thing - that it's good to care but you have to have balance, not sacrifice your life for your parents. Reading comprehension perhaps?

 

Nobody is arguing against 'basic compassion'. It is not, however, merely 'basic compassion' when you are forgoing a career, relationships, and friendships entirely to care for your parent. Why do you think it has to be either 0% or 100%?

 

As for "you can get your own life balance back when they die. what is a few years out of your life", I sincerely hope that you're not saying you think the OP's mother will die in a few years' time because that is indeed truly awful. You should hope for your parents to have a long life and plan as if they will.

 

i'm not picking on your post, in fact, i don't even read your posts, but i'm flattered you care about mine

[Madame_Noire]

Children are not asked to be born and it is certainly not fair to have children expecting they will look after you when you are elderly, your kids may not even outlive you or even like you, especially when they are adult enough to understand any abuse or contempt they may have felt as they were growing up, so alot of people will be sadly disappointed when, years down the line they see a governement provided carer rather than their own offspring.

 

My mother sees us a a meal ticket, an insurance policy. She has never worked in her life but wants money from us to bail her out of credit card debt and pay the minimum payments. Then blames us for being in debt and possibly going bankrupt! No, she should blame herself for her poor financial decisions! She was violent towards us and verbally abusive. She will have a big surprise coming to her when she thinks I will be looking after her when she is old. She could not wait to show me the door when she stopped getting state benefits for me when I turned 18. She clearly made it known that she only wanted kids for the free house on the government and the benefits. She was not loving or maternal whatsoever. She never hugged us or told us she loved us. Plus, I do not suffer with Stockholm Syndrome, I am not like one of those poorly-treated dogs that still love their abusers. She better pray she has enough credit available when she is admitted into a nursing home.

 

I have not seen her for years, I am not in the same city as her. When I see her calling me, I get palpitations, feel tense and feel physically sick and ignore the call. I then later block her from calling me.

 

I am so glad I am not a cold person to my partner and do not know how to love, show appreciation and affection. The amount of sh*t I went through I am suprised I am not a sociopath.

Edited January 23, 2016 by Madame_Noire

[Els]

i'm not picking on your post, in fact, i don't even read your posts, but i'm flattered you care about mine

 

So let me get this straight... you QUOTED a post that you didn't even read....? That does explain a lot.

[Els]

Last year my mother almost died from pneumonia. She is now dependant on an oxygen concentrator. I have torturous mixed feelings about helping her, but my father cannot cope on his own. Recently I've been having flashbacks about her abuse. She used to hit me with a clay vase I made at school. One day she hit me so hard it broke into pieces-all because I couldn't understand my maths homework. This is one small example of how she used to treat me.

 

It really is not that simple taking care of ageing parents for many people. We should not be judged if we choose not to.

 

I'm terribly sorry you went through that.

 

My parents weren't really abusive - they did make some mistakes but I think they were genuinely trying to do the best they were capable of. They just didn't realize that their authoritarian model didn't work for me, or they couldn't think of a better way to handle me when I was younger.

 

I fully intend to do my best by them when they are old, but I do not intend to let it take over my entire life. I hope that I will be able to set boundaries for what I am willing to do, and to stick to them. The way I see it is this: If I had a child, there is absolutely no way I would want them to spend the prime years of their life solely being my caretaker. What would be the point of even bringing children into the world if that is what you intend them to do? So selfish. No, I'd want them to have their own life, to share a small part of it with me, but they should also have their own career, partner, friends, and hobbies (or equivalent, whatever brings them happiness).

 

Basically I think it's an entirely personal decision that depends on the people involved and their parents, and there are many factors in the mix. I don't think it's anyone's damned business to judge anyone else for their relationship with their parents or lack thereof, unless they were being blatantly abusive towards them.

[Amelie1980]

I'm sincerely sorry to read of your upbringing. Indeed you are following a family trait. luckily the state will send you the bill for your moms care. Funny thing about parents, they had 30 years that you have no idea what they genuinely went thru. So god bless you for saving yourself and getting on with your life. Life will go full circle.

 

Luckily I dont live in the USA. State nursing home care is free here no matter how much you have and earn. I will not get the bill.

[Amelie1980]

I think that some parents treat their children like possessions and not people. Then they can't handle their adult children making the decision to protect themselves emotionally. It's very narcissistic and perverse.

 

My mother is very sad that we are not close and the fact that I don't want children. She is finally trying to be kinder to me now and that is great but I still feel the need to be mindful of tending to my emotional well being. I know that my mother's hateful vitriol is lurking under the surface.

 

She likes to tell me that she loves me when we talk on the phone and I return the sentiment only to be polite. The truth is, I find it nearly impossible to love someone who was supposed to protect me but instead chose to be emotionally and physically abusive. I was not a perfect daughter but I was a very well behaved one. Sadly, my mother did not appreciate how blessed she was to have a good child until the relationship was too damaged. My mother is very lucky that I didn't report her abuse because she would have been arrested and I would have been removed from the home.

 

I am very curious to see if Tayla and newmoon think that abusive parents deserve reverence and caretaking in old age. I also wonder if they believe that parental sacrifices are licence to be abusive.

 

My mom was like this exactly. I was her possession not a person in my own right. I couldnt do anything without her interfering. She wouldnt let me be me. She always had to try and make me be something other than what I was. She is still the same now. She was almost embarrassed of me when i did something she didnt approve of.

 

She did alot of questionable things when i was a child and if you call her on them she either denies them or minimizes what she did.

 

I do wonder if the pathetic and syrupy I love my mommy no matter what posters on here do think that getting knocked up and having a kid makes you some kind of immortal saint that means you should be revered no matter how poorly you treated your children.

[amaysngrace]

I think it's normal to be stressed out from time to time and then feel guilty for seeming selfish.

 

Can you speak with your sister and make arrangements to have some days each week that are just for you? Maybe get away and take a trip somewhere and do that regularly?

 

I think it's very important to make time for yourself now especially because you don't know when she will require more and more of your time and need round the clock care.

 

Try to reach a balance that takes your needs into consideration too. You and your sister both have earned it.

[Tayla]

 

I am very curious to see if Tayla and newmoon think that abusive parents deserve reverence and caretaking in old age. I also wonder if they believe that parental sacrifices are licence to be abusive.

 

Yes humans are deserving of dignity in their final days.

Yes some humans are accountable for their actions. Amends do wonders when empathy is practiced.

My parents are deceased. Guess once that door is closed permenantly life carries a whole new meaning. Instead of tearing down others.. I chose to let them be.

So be well Betty.

 

Op- Have you made any decisions or sought assistance?

[truthtripper]

Amends do wonders when empathy is practiced.

The problem with this is that the parents have to first acknowledge that they were abusive, which is rare, their denial is just too entrenched, which in fact is what enabled them to abuse in the first place. As long as the parent cannot acknowledge, empathy has no meaning.

[truthtripper]

My parents are deceased. Guess once that door is closed permenantly life carries a whole new meaning. Instead of tearing down others.. I chose to let them be.

My grandfather sexually abused me all my childhood. His death only caused me more more grief and terror as I had lost the chance to take legal action against him. I have spent my entire life in healing and continue to do so. It requires so much energy that I have had little left to do much else with my life, thanks to my grandfather and the rest of my abusive family. I'm not 'tearing them down' by complaining about them and not being able to support them in their dying days, I'm trying to reclaim my stolen rights.

[truthtripper]

My mom was like this exactly. I was her possession not a person in my own right. I couldnt do anything without her interfering. She wouldnt let me be me. She always had to try and make me be something other than what I was. She is still the same now. She was almost embarrassed of me when i did something she didnt approve of.

 

She did alot of questionable things when i was a child and if you call her on them she either denies them or minimizes what she did.

 

I do wonder if the pathetic and syrupy I love my mommy no matter what posters on here do think that getting knocked up and having a kid makes you some kind of immortal saint that means you should be revered no matter how poorly you treated your children.

My mother was also like the above and still is the same. She successfully taught me to self-hate. As a child I was plagued with suicidal thoughts which still continue. She despises my adult self and often infantalises me, squashes me down, in an effort to hide from the truth.

[BettyDraper]

Yes humans are deserving of dignity in their final days.

Yes some humans are accountable for their actions. Amends do wonders when empathy is practiced.

My parents are deceased. Guess once that door is closed permenantly life carries a whole new meaning. Instead of tearing down others.. I chose to let them be.

So be well Betty.

 

Op- Have you made any decisions or sought assistance?

 

I see that you have torn down LS members for being "selfish" just because they choose to distance themselves from abusive elderly parents. You also never mention empathy for adult children which is very telling.

[William]

Folks, let's get back to the circumstances outlined in the opening post. There is plenty of space on our forums to share, and we encourage sharing, member experiences regarding parental abuse and neglect and how it impacts children and adults.

 

However, the thread starter did not indicate abuse and neglect to be a part of his circumstance so let's consider that matter resolved for the purposes of this thread and get back to the original topic raised. Thanks!