Ex just offered another chance

[marky00]

Guys,

 

Broke up Feb 2015 and there was the odd contact every few months.

 

Last December, I called my Ex and she said "she felt like killing herself for breaking my heart". She was sounding like she was in pain on the phone, she just sounded different. She said "she wasn't ready to talk" which is weird because she never said that before that phone call.

 

I send her a Happy New Year message and she replied with a pretty standard non-feeling reply.

 

On Jan 2, she sent a text asking for me to call her and I didn't call until today. Just found in the past immediately responding always ended badly.

 

Actually I texted her yesterday saying Id like to call. She said no problem but she asked me to call at 11pm after her dinner with friends. I never called as I was too tired.

 

Today I get an sms saying she was waiting for my call since yesterday. So i called her (her texts were more frequent and immediate responses).

 

Anyway, she has told me she broke up with her bf in November. Apparently he broke it off. She told me this 5 minutes into the phone call.

 

I was pretty shocked to be honest. She asked me if I was seeing anyone and I said that although I have been dating etc, I'm not in a relationship. She then asked if I wanted to try again (wasn't the most heartfelt offer, maybe her pride or just being practical since she was the dumper after all).

 

Anyway, I said Id think about it. We spoke a little longer and then she said maybe no need to answer the question... by that I think she meant, since we are talking, let it be and let it happen naturally.

 

Anyway, I do still love her but getting over the trust issues and the hurt is going to be a challenge. But I do recognise my role in what lead to the breakup and certainly won't be repeating those mistakes.

 

Anyway, my question is basically, besides taking this slowly and not acting to keen, how should I approach this to give the relationship the best chance of succeeding? I don't want to play games and then end up losing her....

 

I'm guessing she is hurting in her own way from being dumped so I want to give her the space she needs to work through that.

 

I really do feel like slow and steady is the best shot here. Do you guys agree?

[frigginlost]

Guys,

 

Broke up Feb 2015 and there was the odd contact every few months.

 

Last December, I called my Ex and she said "she felt like killing herself for breaking my heart". She was sounding like she was in pain on the phone, she just sounded different. She said "she wasn't ready to talk" which is weird because she never said that before that phone call.

 

I send her a Happy New Year message and she replied with a pretty standard non-feeling reply.

 

On Jan 2, she sent a text asking for me to call her and I didn't call until today. Just found in the past immediately responding always ended badly.

 

Actually I texted her yesterday saying Id like to call. She said no problem but she asked me to call at 11pm after her dinner with friends. I never called as I was too tired.

 

Today I get an sms saying she was waiting for my call since yesterday. So i called her (her texts were more frequent and immediate responses).

 

Anyway, she has told me she broke up with her bf in November. Apparently he broke it off. She told me this 5 minutes into the phone call.

 

I was pretty shocked to be honest. She asked me if I was seeing anyone and I said that although I have been dating etc, I'm not in a relationship. She then asked if I wanted to try again (wasn't the most heartfelt offer, maybe her pride or just being practical since she was the dumper after all).

 

Anyway, I said Id think about it. We spoke a little longer and then she said maybe no need to answer the question... by that I think she meant, since we are talking, let it be and let it happen naturally.

 

Anyway, I do still love her but getting over the trust issues and the hurt is going to be a challenge. But I do recognise my role in what lead to the breakup and certainly won't be repeating those mistakes.

 

Anyway, my question is basically, besides taking this slowly and not acting to keen, how should I approach this to give the relationship the best chance of succeeding? I don't want to play games and then end up losing her....

 

I'm guessing she is hurting in her own way from being dumped so I want to give her the space she needs to work through that.

 

I really do feel like slow and steady is the best shot here. Do you guys agree?

 

Experience talking here:

 

First, it is going to be extremely tough for you to fight through the trust issues. It is going to nag at you subliminally that she left you for another guy and has returned after he dumped her. It may not feel that way right away, but trust me, it's going to hit you.

 

Second, since they broke up in November have they had *any* contact? It she tells you they converse as friends, do not pursue anything with her. Any type of pipeline of communication with them, will absolutely destroy any type of trust you are trying to build.

 

Third, any progression in your relationship has to be seen as brand new. Yes, there are times where you both are going to talk about what happened to you both in the past, but if blame starts to show its ugly head or you see an inkling of her becoming distant, cut your losses and split.

 

Go slow and let things play out naturally, but please remember, *she* needs to show you that she has made some changes in herself. You can't allow yourself to be the fallback guy. You keep being you and let her try to keep up.

 

Good luck!

[Blanco]

I would be skeptical if for no other reason than she is somewhat recently single and it was not her choice. How long after the breakup was she with this new guy?

 

What reassurance do you have that she isn't just feeling alone due to the breakup and she's looking to a familiar face, you, to bring some stability back into her life? It would be one thing if she ended things with the guy after realizing that it was really you she wanted. But that's not the case.

 

Getting back with an ex is always dicey, but I wouldn't be able to look past the fact that she had only come back my way after someone discarded her.

[Toodaloo]

Mark what are you doing?

 

Its January... she is bored fed up and lonely and using your emotions to bouy herself up!

 

Dude she left you and shacked up with another bloke.

 

Christmas wasn't so great and she is using you as fall back guy until something better comes along.

 

No contact and this time do it properly so you don't get stamped on.

 

1 month, 6 months down the line you mark my words we will all have to be patting your arm and saying how sorry we are that she did all this again.

 

Come on chap. Your better than this and worth more.

[marky00]

Experience talking here:

 

First, it is going to be extremely tough for you to fight through the trust issues. It is going to nag at you subliminally that she left you for another guy and has returned after he dumped her. It may not feel that way right away, but trust me, it's going to hit you.

 

Second, since they broke up in November have they had *any* contact? It she tells you they converse as friends, do not pursue anything with her. Any type of pipeline of communication with them, will absolutely destroy any type of trust you are trying to build.

 

Third, any progression in your relationship has to be seen as brand new. Yes, there are times where you both are going to talk about what happened to you both in the past, but if blame starts to show its ugly head or you see an inkling of her becoming distant, cut your losses and split.

 

Go slow and let things play out naturally, but please remember, *she* needs to show you that she has made some changes in herself. You can't allow yourself to be the fallback guy. You keep being you and let her try to keep up.

 

Good luck!

 

Point NO1 I agree. I know its going to take a fair bit of time some effort on her part to get over that hurt.

 

Point No3 I agree also. The way I see it, I may have made some mistakes but she executed the killer blow, as far as I'm concerned, we are even and it should be clean-slate.

 

Point NO2. I don't think she wants to talk much about the details but yes, I will need to ask that question. Obviously she can't give me 100 percent guarantees about the future (i.e. all men in general) but she needs to be totally transparent regarding the ex bf, as much as it pains her to talk about it.

[Toodaloo]

Point NO1 I agree. I know its going to take a fair bit of time some effort on her part to get over that hurt.

 

Point No3 I agree also. The way I see it, I may have made some mistakes but she executed the killer blow, as far as I'm concerned, we are even and it should be clean-slate.

 

Point NO2. I don't think she wants to talk much about the details but yes, I will need to ask that question. Obviously she can't give me 100 percent guarantees about the future (i.e. all men in general) but she needs to be totally transparent regarding the ex bf, as much as it pains her to talk about it.

 

Why do I hear the music you get in horror films just before the zombie/ shark/ psycho jumps out and deals their fatal blow when I read this?

[marky00]

Mark what are you doing?

 

Its January... she is bored fed up and lonely and using your emotions to bouy herself up!

 

Dude she left you and shacked up with another bloke.

 

Christmas wasn't so great and she is using you as fall back guy until something better comes along.

 

No contact and this time do it properly so you don't get stamped on.

 

1 month, 6 months down the line you mark my words we will all have to be patting your arm and saying how sorry we are that she did all this again.

 

Come on chap. Your better than this and worth more.

 

Oh don't worry I understand this. Ive had 12 months to work through it.

 

The thing is but, I believe she left me due to some personal issues I was facing that I can see now affected the relationship.

 

Yes it sux to be re-entering it under these circumstances but ending a 9 yr relationship due to my personal issues will haunt me forever.

 

At least this way, I get to be me 100 percent and if it doesn't work, I will be able to walk with no regrets.

 

If it wasn't for those personal issues, then I would agree with you.

 

Rose-colored glasses are off.

Edited January 20, 2016 by marky00

[PegNosePete]

It seems your mind is made up, and you're just going to disagree with anyone who tells you it's a bad idea.

 

What exactly are you looking for here? Affirmation that you're doing the right thing?

 

Sorry, no can do. Good luck.

[marky00]

It seems your mind is made up, and you're just going to disagree with anyone who tells you it's a bad idea.

 

What exactly are you looking for here? Affirmation that you're doing the right thing?

 

Sorry, no can do. Good luck.

 

LOL Pete. Haha

[frigginlost]

Oh don't worry I understand this. Ive had 12 months to work through it.

 

The thing is but, I believe she left me due to some personal issues I was facing that I can see now affected the relationship.

 

Yes it sux to be re-entering it under these circumstances but ending a 9 yr relationship due to my personal issues will haunt me forever.

 

At least this way, I get to be me 100 percent and if it doesn't work, I will be able to walk with no regrets.

 

If it wasn't for those personal issues, then I would agree with you.

 

Rose-colored glasses are off.

 

That speaks volumes. Your head is screwed on completely straight. Good on you!

 

I'm not going to lie, it's going to be rough. I took back an ex recently and she dumped me 3 days ago and it was the exact situation you are in. I was in the exact same mind frame that you are in right now. At least I gave it everything I had...

 

I'm not bummed, nor angry, nor really hurting. It just did not work out, and I lost nothing but a little time.

 

Good luck!

[marky00]

That speaks volumes. Your head is screwed on completely straight. Good on you!

 

I'm not going to lie, it's going to be rough. I took back an ex recently and she dumped me 3 days ago and it was the exact situation you are in. I was in the exact same mind frame that you are in right now. At least I gave it everything I had...

 

I'm not bummed, nor angry, nor really hurting. It just did not work out, and I lost nothing but a little time.

 

Good luck!

 

How long did your last run last for?

 

One other point I forgot to make. Her recent ex bf broke off a 7 year relationship to a few days before starting with my Ex. Its not surprising he did the same thing to her.

[frigginlost]

How long did your last run last for?

 

One other point I forgot to make. Her recent ex bf broke off a 7 year relationship to a few days before starting with my Ex. Its not surprising he did the same thing to her.

 

3 Months. I could have ridden it out for a while more, but I just didn't have the energy to "fight" for it (which is what I think she wanted). Sorry, she left me...

 

Take note of what I said about an inkling of distance. She started getting distant, and before it progressed I called her out. "Do you want to be in a relationship or not. Yes or No"? She balked with an answer, and I told her "No answer is an answer. Best of luck to you".

 

What ever you do, do not waste time and energy wondering. Watch her actions like a hawk.

[Bo34]

I think a lot of people can be very negative on this forum, but as I've learned it's rightfully so and has more to do with them giving good advice and dumpees clinging on to false hope.

 

 

How long were you two together? And how often did you stay in contact with them after the break-up?? How long did you stick NC? If not, who initiated the contact and what did you talk about?

 

I would advise you to be very cautious because it seems to me that she's going back to you because she got dumped, not because she wants you. Also, the fact that it's only 2 months since her most recent ex broke up with her tells me that she just wants comfort right now. Ask yourself, if her ex did not breakup with her, would she go back to you? Do not follow your heart, follow your gut.

[marky00]

I think a lot of people can be very negative on this forum, but as I've learned it's rightfully so and has more to do with them giving good advice and dumpees clinging on to false hope.

 

 

How long were you two together? And how often did you stay in contact with them after the break-up?? How long did you stick NC? If not, who initiated the contact and what did you talk about?

 

I would advise you to be very cautious because it seems to me that she's going back to you because she got dumped, not because she wants you. Also, the fact that it's only 2 months since her most recent ex broke up with her tells me that she just wants comfort right now. Ask yourself, if her ex did not breakup with her, would she go back to you? Do not follow your heart, follow your gut.

 

In an LDR for almost 9 years. Did a few stints together, like 3 and 6 months stints where she lived with me etc.

 

In the 12 months post BU period.

 

I would say we spoke on phone maybe 6 times (spread apart about 2 months between calls). Was mostly me than initiated although she did send a few texts and emails. First few calls were mainly to get some answers, BU was really bad.. She was making comments during the calls that she had regrets so Id check in once every 2 months or so to snuff out any false hope that was hurting me.

 

Immediate post breakup, I went about 7 weeks full NC until I finally cracked to get a few answers.

 

Well, I spoke to her around christmas and she didnt mention the BU at all. She sounded a bit hurt on phone but if she wanted to lean on me then, she made no effort to do so.

Edited January 20, 2016 by marky00

[Chi townD]

DUDE!!!! WAKE UP!!! She kicked you to the curb for another guy! She put more of a value on this other dude than you! She made a choice! And she chose that she would rather be with this other guy than you!!! And how could she have done this so easily? Because, she was cheating on you!!! Definitely cheating on you emotionally and probably physically.

 

 

And so a few months later, the guy that she valued more than you, kicked her to the curb. And now since she had her fun, she wants to try again with you? Dude, if you go back to her, she'll just cool her heels with you for a while. While you meet all of her emotional and physical needs. But she'll probably be on the look out for your replacement. You'll just fill a void until the next "best thing" comes along.

 

 

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but it is what it is....

[marky00]

DUDE!!!! WAKE UP!!! She kicked you to the curb for another guy! She put more of a value on this other dude than you! She made a choice! And she chose that she would rather be with this other guy than you!!! And how could she have done this so easily? Because, she was cheating on you!!! Definitely cheating on you emotionally and probably physically.

 

 

And so a few months later, the guy that she valued more than you, kicked her to the curb. And now since she had her fun, she wants to try again with you? Dude, if you go back to her, she'll just cool her heels with you for a while. While you meet all of her emotional and physical needs. But she'll probably be on the look out for your replacement. You'll just fill a void until the next "best thing" comes along.

 

 

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but it is what it is....

 

Tell me something I don't know Chi Town.

[Bo34]

In an LDR for almost 9 years. Did a few stints together, like 3 and 6 months stints where she lived with me etc.

 

In the 12 months post BU period.

 

I would say we spoke on phone maybe 6 times (spread apart about 2 months between calls). Was mostly me than initiated although she did send a few texts and emails. First few calls were mainly to get some answers, BU was really bad.. She was making comments during the calls that she had regrets so Id check in once every 2 months or so to snuff out any false hope that was hurting me.

 

Immediate post breakup, I went about 7 weeks full NC until I finally cracked to get a few answers.

 

Well, I spoke to her around christmas and she didnt mention the BU at all. She sounded a bit hurt on phone but if she wanted to lean on me then, she made no effort to do so.

 

 

Wow, that's a long time!!

You won't like this, but I think if someone breaks up with you and they were with you for that long a period of time (A decade!!), it's done. Breaking up with someone you've been in a relationship with for over a decade is not a common occurrence, so when it does happen, the dumper is truly done. Furthermore, the fact that this was a LDR or perhaps still is, makes it even less likely you two work things out IFFF you get back together.

 

I think when you dumps someone but the relationship wasn't short, nor too long is the more likely of scenarios of reconciliations working out, even though that still is unlikely. The reason I say that is because as a dumper, you are far more likely wondering "What could've been" and there being potential. However, when u dump someone and you've known them for that long, nothing really changes. People are who they are. Things are as they are. It can also be easier to get over someone because you no longer think or idealize the word potential because you know the person thru and thru. Likewise, relationships that were very short also can fall into this category because there wasn't enough time to develop and knit a bond between two people.

 

If you're asking for me opinion, I would stay away. Yes, she may come back to you, but it will only be for awhile. Bottom line, you don't breakup with someone you were with for a decade, then jump into another relationship few months after. The glass is broken. You'll only cut yourself if you try to re-piece it back together.

[Chi townD]

Tell me something I don't know Chi Town.

 

Then don't do anything stupid! I liked that you told her that you would think about it. But, take what people are saying to you here to heart. There are more girls than guys on this planet. I'm pretty sure there's a couple out there that would want to date you and would want to be with you because there's no other place on this earth that they would rather be.

 

 

What you wrote sounds like she views you as a consolation prize Dude, you are NOT a consolation prize and you should never be someone's second choice.

[Amelie1980]

What have you done to work on your issues?

 

If I remember correctly your personal issues were a deaf dog causing you stress so you couldnt pay her much attention by skpye and text in another country.

 

Consider why she left you for another man in that case. I think she is newly dumped and wants some comfort but I dont blame her for ending it if an ill pet caused you to neglect her in the first place.

[Chi townD]

What have you done to work on your issues?

 

If I remember correctly your personal issues were a deaf dog causing you stress so you couldnt pay her much attention by skpye and text in another country.

 

Consider why she left you for another man in that case. I think she is newly dumped and wants some comfort but I dont blame her for ending it if an ill pet caused you to neglect her in the first place.

 

She ended it because she found someone else and started cheating on him. If using a deaf dog as an excuse to break up with someone was the best excuse that she could come up with, then I could have given her an excuse for free!

[Amelie1980]

She ended it because she found someone else and started cheating on him. If using a deaf dog as an excuse to break up with someone was the best excuse that she could come up with, then I could have given her an excuse for free!

 

Have you not read his other threads?

 

His dog was a massive life stressor so he didnt pay her any attention....he said.

[Chi townD]

Have you not read his other threads?

 

His dog was a massive life stressor so he didnt pay her any attention....he said.

 

 

 

But, a dog?!?!? Come on. That could have been the OP reaching for straws trying to make head or tails on why she left. Who wants to openly admit that they were left for someone else? Or trying to figure out why she left him for someone else. And the only thing he could think of was he spent way too much time caring for his pet. But, that's not an excuse to cheat on someone. Not a valid one anyway.

[mightycpa]

Go ahead and pursue her. It won't be long before the old issues creep back in, and the only difference this time will be that she recognizes what she doesn't like in weeks, not months.

 

What's in it for you? You've had some trouble letting go. Maybe you'll see things you don't like either, and this will be the opportunity for you to get over her.

 

It's going to be a race to the finish line.

[Simon Phoenix]

Had you actually done No Contact properly this might have a chance. But you calling to "check in" every two months was basically you saying "I'M HERE WAITING FOR YOU!!!". Well, now she's feeling low because the guy she kicked you to the curb for told her sayonara and she's back because she knows that you've been sitting around like a pud waiting around. Odds are she'll have one eye on you and one eye on the next potential upgrade.

 

Also, by you willingly keeping yourself invested, you haven't actually completely processed the first breakup. You are going back to a previous relationship that didn't work.

 

Reconciliations can work. I know of a few that have turned into marriage. However, those breakups were actually clean breaks where both parties disappeared off the grid and processed things completely. Because of your need to "check in", that never happened for you.

 

I know you don't want to hear this and I know that you are going to take her back, but this is basically putting lipstick on a pig.

[TheArtist]

If this had happened to me I would be like, 'Ha! I knew you'd crack at some point! In your face!', then I'd probably do a moonwalk, spin around and then hit Delete Contact in one smooth motion before tossing the phone in the bin.

 

Then I'd probably get it out of the bin again, but my point stands. She dumped you, she's now been dumped herself and is feeling a little lonely just as you did. You remember that pain, right? It was her choice and you owe her nothing. NOTHING!