Amelie1980 Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 But, a dog?!?!? Come on. That could have been the OP reaching for straws trying to make head or tails on why she left. Who wants to openly admit that they were left for someone else? Or trying to figure out why she left him for someone else. And the only thing he could think of was he spent way too much time caring for his pet. But, that's not an excuse to cheat on someone. Not a valid one anyway. Im serious.....or rather the OP was deadly serious. Do a search of his posts and read the thread he made before this. Link to post Share on other sites
Liono84 Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 Had you actually done No Contact properly this might have a chance. But you calling to "check in" every two months was basically you saying "I'M HERE WAITING FOR YOU!!!". Well, now she's feeling low because the guy she kicked you to the curb for told her sayonara and she's back because she knows that you've been sitting around like a pud waiting around. Odds are she'll have one eye on you and one eye on the next potential upgrade. Also, by you willingly keeping yourself invested, you haven't actually completely processed the first breakup. You are going back to a previous relationship that didn't work. Reconciliations can work. I know of a few that have turned into marriage. However, those breakups were actually clean breaks where both parties disappeared off the grid and processed things completely. Because of your need to "check in", that never happened for you. I know you don't want to hear this and I know that you are going to take her back, but this is basically putting lipstick on a pig. I couldn't have said it any better than this. 100% TRUE on every word. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 As someone who was broken up with and got back together with the same person three seperate times, I can tell you this is a terrible idea. Like it hurts more the second and the third time because you should have known. Also, you haven't been in proper NC. What's going to be different this time around???? Link to post Share on other sites
RandomTraveller Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Imo: you two guys have been in love. After all you stayed together a lot of years. She wants to come back to you? She regret her past decisions? Let her prove that to you. If she really wants to go back with you she should show her love to you. She should Do impossible things. Everything she can to break the no contact (that looks it never happened here..) I dunno but she should be close to beg if she really cares about you Think about you too: is it okay for you being treated like that? She gets crazy one year, **** another guy and abandon you. Then she comes back telling she is sorry. Is really how you want to be treated? I dunno man. I'm far from expert since I'm on this forum after a single three years relationship. My two cents. Ask how much you respect yourself. She has not been fair with you. There are many women out there, it's not only about self respect but also a matter of time loss Link to post Share on other sites
Author marky00 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) Have you not read his other threads? His dog was a massive life stressor so he didnt pay her any attention....he said. Wasnt lke that actually. She was pretty emotionally unavailable back then. I was going through a tough time caring for my dog and contemplating euthanasia. I would call her once a fortnight or so to check up on her, keeping her in the loop about my issues but trying no to overburden her with them. I know once per fortnight sounds not very often but that did happen sometimes during the relationship. To be honest she didn't offer any support at all but for once simply telling me "It was my life". True maybe but whats the point of being in a relationship if someone basically says deal with it on your own. Anyway, not saying that the issue itself resulted in the breakup but rather that I was massively stressed out on the inside, tried to hide it from her as best I could, but obviously she picked up on the body language etc. It was just a really bad time for that stuff to happen because since we had been going for 6 or 7 years I was really wanting to make the step of moving to her country. Anyway to ask me what changes I have made is pretty unfair. For 12 months Ive had a real good look at my behaviour, figure what are my good sides, what are my bad. Ive started to put some of this into practice but to be honest the breakup knocked me around a fair bit so it wasnt going to happen that easily. When I cam out the other side of that issue but, I was a stronger and better person. unfortunately, it had some collateral damage, ie. the relationship. Im not so much worried about me as I know I exactly what I want to do and have to do. Im more concerned about her. has she changed? maybe being dumped has changed her, time will tell. Edited January 21, 2016 by marky00 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marky00 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 Had you actually done No Contact properly this might have a chance. But you calling to "check in" every two months was basically you saying "I'M HERE WAITING FOR YOU!!!". Well, now she's feeling low because the guy she kicked you to the curb for told her sayonara and she's back because she knows that you've been sitting around like a pud waiting around. Odds are she'll have one eye on you and one eye on the next potential upgrade. Also, by you willingly keeping yourself invested, you haven't actually completely processed the first breakup. You are going back to a previous relationship that didn't work. Reconciliations can work. I know of a few that have turned into marriage. However, those breakups were actually clean breaks where both parties disappeared off the grid and processed things completely. Because of your need to "check in", that never happened for you. I know you don't want to hear this and I know that you are going to take her back, but this is basically putting lipstick on a pig. Fair enough Simon but it wasn't really like that. Put yourself in my shoes, 1 month before the breakup she was in my country sharing Christmas with my family. Go over for a holiday with my family and she breaks it off. I tried to walk away from that as best as I could, I kept my self-control. Those phone calls just kept me "in the real world". By checking in I meant getting a realistic feel on the situation, I never asked her to take me back. She as asked me if I had been dating and I said yes which is true. Honestly I think she was so caught up with her own worries with the new relationship, me being there or not wouldn't have mattered. Now that she isnt in a relationship, my behaviour may carry more weight. As for processing, we didn't process anything together, she dint want to discuss our relationship since she was in a new one. I did my processing on my own, completely. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Fair enough Simon but it wasn't really like that. Put yourself in my shoes, 1 month before the breakup she was in my country sharing Christmas with my family. Go over for a holiday with my family and she breaks it off. I tried to walk away from that as best as I could, I kept my self-control. Those phone calls just kept me "in the real world". By checking in I meant getting a realistic feel on the situation, I never asked her to take me back. She as asked me if I had been dating and I said yes which is true. Honestly I think she was so caught up with her own worries with the new relationship, me being there or not wouldn't have mattered. Now that she isnt in a relationship, my behaviour may carry more weight. As for processing, we didn't process anything together, she dint want to discuss our relationship since she was in a new one. I did my processing on my own, completely. Those phone calls kept you hooked. They were unnecessary and counterproductive and now have you in a compromised spot where you are ripe for getting trampled on. The phone calls were a horrible idea. You would have been much better off accepting the reality of the situation and completely detaching than what you did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marky00 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 What have you done to work on your issues? If I remember correctly your personal issues were a deaf dog causing you stress so you couldnt pay her much attention by skpye and text in another country. Consider why she left you for another man in that case. I think she is newly dumped and wants some comfort but I dont blame her for ending it if an ill pet caused you to neglect her in the first place. The peak of that issue was in 2013. I sorted out the behavior back then after a short breakup.. became very positive, cared for her as much as possible and grew by business.... but I still had the dog into 2014 where i finally ended his life. Despite this, I took her on holidays around the world every 3 months or so but it wasn't until I got over the whole dog thing was I feeling myself again which was middle of 2014. The last 6 months of the relationship was the best it had been in years, good healthy contact every 2 or 3 days. But she decided to leave. She is not the type for feeling neglected. I think its more that I showed her a vulnerable bad side of me (which is what you do when you love someone) which changed the way she perceived me etc. In my mind I lover her that much... my mind was saying "If i can just get through this issue, things in the future will be much better and I will go to the end with her". I couldn't offer big promises whilst I was embedded in that situation. Maybe these were foolish thoughts but that was my feeling. A lesson learnt right there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marky00 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) Those phone calls kept you hooked. They were unnecessary and counterproductive and now have you in a compromised spot where you are ripe for getting trampled on. The phone calls were a horrible idea. You would have been much better off accepting the reality of the situation and completely detaching than what you did. I have another take on it Simon. We arent all the same. I found each phone call hurt me but it was like after each one I became a little stronger. Almost like each phone call made me love her less. I tend to fantasise and over-think so I think it was more about getting reality checks to keep my feet on the ground. She offered me nothing on those phone calls, maybe the odd "we will see about the future" but I was very skeptical so wasnt latching on to that. Anyway if what I did was so wrong, why is she asking for another chance? If i was such a doosh about it, why she asking this? She messages me on NY asking for me to call her. I waited 3 weeks because I wasn't going to subject myself to breadcrumbs and crap. So it wasn't as bad as you make it sound. Edited January 21, 2016 by marky00 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marky00 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 But, a dog?!?!? Come on. That could have been the OP reaching for straws trying to make head or tails on why she left. Who wants to openly admit that they were left for someone else? Or trying to figure out why she left him for someone else. And the only thing he could think of was he spent way too much time caring for his pet. But, that's not an excuse to cheat on someone. Not a valid one anyway. Yeh you nailed it Chi Town. It was more me blaming myself. She never openly said that was the issue. I just know I 'wasn't me" during that time so since she hasn't give me a detailed reason, that is the reason I came up with. She's one of those types who just looks at end-product, not how or why something became as it is. I'm different in that sense. I tend to look ate the whys and hows in addition to the end-product. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marky00 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 Go ahead and pursue her. It won't be long before the old issues creep back in, and the only difference this time will be that she recognizes what she doesn't like in weeks, not months. What's in it for you? You've had some trouble letting go. Maybe you'll see things you don't like either, and this will be the opportunity for you to get over her. It's going to be a race to the finish line. LOL. This is why i posted this.... to get answers like this. Information is power right?? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I have another take on it Simon. We arent all the same. I found each phone call hurt me but it was like after each one I became a little stronger. Almost like each phone call made me love her less. I tend to fantasise and over-think so I think it was more about getting reality checks to keep my feet on the ground. She offered me nothing on those phone calls, maybe the odd "we will see about the future" but I was very skeptical so wasnt latching on to that. Anyway if what I did was so wrong, why is she asking for another chance? If i was such a doosh about it, why she asking this? She messages me on NY asking for me to call her. I waited 3 weeks because I wasn't going to subject myself to breadcrumbs and crap. So it wasn't as bad as you make it sound. Because you're an easy landing spot. She knows you're there because you kept checking in. You're going to do what you're going to do, but I think you're walking into a buzzsaw. Link to post Share on other sites
Bo34 Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 This is one of the classic analogies where an elder warns a child to not touch the hot stove, the child asks why, and the elder advises the child because they will burn themselves, and a few minutes later the child proceeds to touch the stove.... You can't come back and say you were blind-sided. I know this forum is pretty notorious for be negative, but this is one case where I most certainly agree with the mass. The writings are all over the wall, my friend, yet you refuse to open your eyes. - I wish you luck, but sadly, I know that this will not end well for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marky00 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) I know this forum is pretty notorious for be negative you think. I told her id think about it and I meant it. Yet look at the dramatic negative responses. All good !!! just what I needed. Always good to have all pieces of the jigsaw puzzle. At least give me credit that if she has come back to ask this, I obviously handled the post BU period relatively well. It was a horrible breakup but I rose above it and kept my self-control. And like I said, i spoke to her back in December (she broke up in November) and she didn't even tell me about it. Shes has been working through her breakup alone and rightfully so. Edited January 21, 2016 by marky00 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marky00 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 yet you refuse to open your eyes. Eyes are open. Thats why i'm here on this forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Thistooshallpass21 Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Don't fricking do it man...been there and now I'm feeling the pain of it again and it's worse every time. Please man I don't want anyone feeling the way I do not even my worst enemies Link to post Share on other sites
K2z Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Marky, Our lives are quite parallel and we've communicated privately. Part of me is elated that you have gotten the second chance that I never got with my Thai girlfriend. But I also hear the extreme alarm in the various warnings above, and I think there are some male-female issues that transcend culture. What I would urge you to do is not set yourself up as an easy plan C. If she's serious about coming back to you-- make her EARN it. She wants to respect you. And if you set yourself up like a bowling pin, she will feel comfortable with you for a while like the warm but limp slanket that you are presenting yourself as. Women-- and humans overall-- don't want what they can easily have. Regardless of your feelings-- you've got to make her feel like you are a game worth winning, via her effort and good behavior. Or, at least that's what I've read in the tsunami of "women's psych" type books I've been taking in lately. God knows, if my ex had come to me in the same idiom as yours (before HER MARRIAGE!!) I would have wept and collapsed to my knees, and presented my exposed veins saying 'drink, woman, drink!' But you've got to do better-- benefit from the hindsight and wisdom of people on this page! K2z Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Well, I spoke to her around christmas and she didnt mention the BU at all. She sounded a bit hurt on phone but if she wanted to lean on me then, she made no effort to do so. Because she still had hope of getting back with her ex! By the time you contacted her, her hope had faded so she (sorry) took what she could get to ease her loneliness. Remember, it wasn't you that she was pining over. You just happened to be there to fill the void. It's called a rebound. Get back with her now & when she is over the other guy, she'll be finding something else wrong with you to use as an excuse to end it again. Right now, you are a comfort because she's feeling sad and hurt over being dumped. When she is over her ex and feeling good about herself, she will see things very differently. But, hey, I know how hard it is to see the warning signs and accept advice when it goes against what you want to believe. Live and learn. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 You were going to put your down down because its deaf? Dude - I have a deaf dog. She is the fav at the office. Regularly puts herself between my niece and danger. She is trained well so no one notices she is deaf. Mark you seriously need to get your brain into gear... thinking about putting down a dog just because its deaf? Taking back a girl that shacked up with some other bloke and letting her use you? Yeah. I think I am done here. At least the dog has more sense than its owner it seems... Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 She was pretty emotionally unavailable back then. I was going through a tough time caring for my dog and contemplating euthanasia. [...] To be honest she didn't offer any support at all but for once simply telling me "It was my life". True maybe but whats the point of being in a relationship if someone basically says deal with it on your own. [...] It was just a really bad time for that stuff to happen because since we had been going for 6 or 7 years I was really wanting to make the step of moving to her country. [...] Im not so much worried about me as I know I exactly what I want to do and have to do. Im more concerned about her. has she changed? maybe being dumped has changed her, time will tell. I can tell you that she might have been unavailable because of that dude. But her answers point to her just being unavailable. She might have sensed that you wanted to take the plunge, what easier way to undo the relation by jumping to someone else. Of-course she has not changed, she went on playing for a year. Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Don't do it. You're going to regret this. Guaranteed. Have some self respect and pride. At no point during the last year and the 6x that you initiated contact did she seem interested in making amends with you. Two months ago she gets dumped and all of the sudden she needs to talk to you and is offering to reconcile? I think it's pretty obvious what is going on here... Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I really do feel like slow and steady is the best shot here. Do you guys agree? Yeah, I agree. It isn't as though you're getting married or anything. You could both keep dating other people too as you reconnect and see how things go. Link to post Share on other sites
NoLeafClover Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 You should go back to her...after testing other guys...and you clearly don't care who she has been jumping on, then you should just be with her. She is the PERFECT woman for you. Me personally I couldn't get over it. It's one thing she was with other guys before me.that's not my place to judge and bring up..but there is something about being with someone after a breakup then getting back together. It's just not the same. There is no spark, no trust, no fun...I don't wanna have to even think about them two doing it while I was coping with things on the other hand. I would just use the situation to release the sexual frustration and play things along. Never would take an ex seriously after breaking my heart. Play along until you find another person. Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I just posted this in another thread but it fits even better here... The Scorpion and the Frog A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too." The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp "Why?" Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..." Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I didn't even read your thread. Just the title. Never ever ever ever ever get back with an ex, under any circumstances. You're welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts