Ex just offered another chance

[NIGHT1985]

I wish I had some answers for you. I was the cause of my break up too. I'm the one that made the mistakes and pushed her away. So now I gotta live with the guilt and regret while she's happy with her new guy.

 

Eventually we just gotta learn from the mistakes we've made, forgive ourselves, and learn to move on. It's so damn hard though

[sooshi]

Through self-compassion.

 

In the end, you two weren't compatible. I know it hurts to hear that and it's not what you want to hear. But it's best to work on accepting that people change and relationships change, and sometimes relationships do run their course.

 

I'm sure you had a great long-term relationship. Focus on healing and why you think you must shoulder so much of the blame.

 

Rather than looking at what you did (perceived or actual), learn from it all to enforce change. Use this painful loss as a catalyst for empowerment.

 

Continue with NC. 25 days is still early on. Take your time.

 

Take care, Marky.

[marky00]

Thanks.

 

 

Problem is but that everyone tells me to learn from it but what's killing me the most is that I feel like I was repeating mistakes or in some cases self-destructing.

 

 

So its like I was somewhat conscious of what I was doing, yet still did it. That's the part that really stings.

 

 

If I was just being stupid or naïve, I could live with that but I do feel that I self-sabotaged. So its like I was learning or figuring out the lessons but still didn't act on what needed to be done.

 

 

Almost like I was fighting what was the correct decisions.

 

 

This is the ugly part I need to come terms with. Been thinking about this since 2015 and never been able to frame it to a point where I could put it behind me and move forward.

 

 

The best way to describe it is that my mind gives me warnings (gut feelings) but I often choose to ignore those and go the other route. For example rather than following what I want for myself, I may take the other option based on guilt or something. It's like I choose the option least likely to make me happy.

 

 

It was like when she broke up with me, it kind of confirmed within me something I already knew but just forced me to look at head-on without any possibility of twisting things around back into fantasy land.

 

 

Psychologists haven't been of much help when I tried once or twice. Pretty much at the end of the road. Only option now seems to wipe my entire past from existence and pretend I am re-born tomorrow. Basically pretend I am a completely different human being.

[sooshi]

Consider why you choose to make decisions that hurt you.

 

Do you respect yourself? Do you feel like you deserve good things?

 

You deserve good things. You deserve to be happy.

 

Tell yourself that multiple times, every day.

 

"I deserve good things. I deserve to be happy."

 

Take care.

[springy]

When did this behavior start? Do you know what triggered it? I think getting to the root cause will help you deal with it. I would suggest you not give up, and try multiple counselors if you have to, to find someone who can help your situation. Have you seen a cognitive behavioral specialist?

[marky00]

Understood.

 

 

The tricky part with my issue back then was that involved me having to put down my dog.

 

 

I know putting down the dog sooner would have made me more happy and looking back his quality of life was shot anyway.

 

 

But, I decided to push through with it. It was one of those things where I knew it needed to be done but couldn't bring myself to doing it. I think one of the reasons I didn't was because I felt guilty for contributing to his condition. He became deaf after surgery (and I had a gut feeling the surgery wasn't a great idea but finally relented).

 

 

Once he got deaf, he turned into a really crazy dog but he had been great too me for many years so thought I had to try and push through, hoping maybe he might settle down and also based on the guilt from the failed surgery etc. He pretty much just kept getting worse and was basically a full-time carer besides a few hours of work per day.

 

 

Just wanted to be like everyone else who loves their pet and puts it down when its time. As for me, I almost hated my dog during that time and was angry at myself for getting in that position. I had no-one to help out and rather than taking a life-raft and putting him down, I pushed through. Hated the thought of having to go and put down a crazy dog (who could still run around etc, was just crazy from being deaf). Wanted to try and get it to point where he settled down and I could put him down for more "normal" reasons, i.e. organ failure or w/e.

 

 

Well anyway, obviously all of this made me pretty sick and not happy, which in the end I believe is what caused the breakup.

[marky00]

Guys,

 

 

30 days NC and the anger is kicking in.

 

 

We go on a holiday to a island resort in April, I ask her for some pics because I lost mine and she says something like she lost them as well.

 

 

I frame the question one more time the next day and no reply. At that point I knew something was up. Waited a week and then simply asked "r u alive", her response "yep".

 

 

I did ask her a few months before that if she got into any funny business, to let me know. Being overseas and all.

 

 

So, I would assume she did exactly that and ghosted me from that point on.

 

 

But there is part of me that sometimes thinks that behaviour is just so wrong on so many levels. Here I was just asking for some photos (of me), a trip that I mostly paid for and she takes that as the opportune moment to become a ghost. The few months before, really had been just light-hearted conversation.

 

 

I mean, I can understand being ghosted when u get a horrible breakup and someone burns all the bridges. Or maybe if some horrible cheating went on. Sometimes its the only way.

 

 

But yeah, I feel like once again, she just chose the method that was best for her and worst for me. I mean I'm at the point where had she told me that she was in a relationship, I could have handled it because I already had that vibe anyway. But at least I could have had a little vent at the time or w/e.

 

 

Feels like once again, I have to absorb 100 percent of the BS. I have to hold all this anger in. For what?

[Toodaloo]

I have to hold all this anger in. For what?

 

No you don't.

 

Why do you have to hold on to the anger? What purpose does it serve you?

 

It doesn't.

 

What do a few photos matter. They will include a girl you don't like anyway so who cares? You certainly shouldn't.

 

You are being your own worst enemy here.

[books2]

Hey Marky...

 

I feel you buddy... I am angry about the way I was left... Then I get sad... then I get angry again... Then sad again... It's a cycle that does not seem to end...

 

I am not trying to put down your 9 years relationship with this person man, but I don't understand how a long distance thing can become so important... How can you be happy with this? Not being able to see her, hold her, f**k her on a regular basis...

 

I'm not trying to talk down what you had with her, buddy, I just feel like you would deserve something more...

[marky00]

Well,

 

 

I guess I realised that in a way it was suiting me. With long-distance the memories are just so huge because you have all the plane flights and all the moments in the other country.

 

 

We were at the cusp of really getting something happening but I

screwed things up when I kind of self-sabotaged due to some overwhelming personal problems.

 

 

Look, you get couples who never married and it only takes 2 seconds to ask someone to marry you. It's sometimes those little moments that change everything.

 

 

It suited her fine for all that time and then pulls the pin when I face an issue as she was working way up the corporate ladder.

 

 

I did sometimes think the same thing you said like... hang on a minute ... how can she make big decisions like breaking up when we haven't seen each other in 6 months. Surely we need to be in person for big decisions to unfold. But clearly I was wrong. I really do think she treated time away and time together equally.

[books2]

What exactly are you missing so much from the relationship?

[marky00]

Honestly, I know deep down, she wasn't really in it since 2013.

 

 

But the memories are very strong and can't believe she flipped so fast.

 

 

For me the biggest thing there is many huge What Ifs.

 

 

Like, my personal problems came at just the wrong time. She had come out an lived with me for a few months and things looked like we would finally turn things into a reality.

 

 

Then had some issues, didn't deal with them fast enough and she lost interest.

 

 

Right now what I am missing the most if simply the opportunity to put things right. I have tried pretty hard since 2013 but unless she crashes and burns in this current relationship of hers, that opportunity will ne no more.

 

 

Look, it got to the point where we just knew all our mannerisms, tricks etc. For some that may seem a bad thing but honestly it takes years to no someone that well. But at the same time she was pretty elusive which made her a big challenge.

 

 

Look, I will admit that at times it was very rough but after all that energy invested I'm just gutted that I feel like it didn't run its natural course. My issues terminated it prematurely.

[books2]

It's hard to go back to how things were earlier after such time.

 

Its weird how girls can just let little insignificant incidents blow out of proportions. It happened so much between my Ex and I too...

 

When things break down, you just feel like you could go and change everything in order to make things right... I too, have lots of regrets and wonder how she could actually leave me like that.

 

At lease you are probably learning from your mistakes and will be more solid for your next relationship. Take in the lessons and focus on the next steps in your own life buddy.

 

I guess, unfortunately, this is all you can be doing right now.

[marky00]

Guys,

 

 

about 40 days NC.

 

 

Just wondering.... when you know the reasons someone broke it off was because at that time you weren't yourself (personal problems), how does one deal with that?

 

 

7 years into an LDR and then unfortunately I hit some bad luck and then just dug a deeper hole with self-sabotaging etc.

 

 

Look, I can totally respect and understand someone's choice to leave in that situation but the frustrating part is that she assumed that was ME, well it was ME but it was ME wrestling with myself and I just needed to get through that.

 

 

During that time, I honestly thought we would be together forever, so I guess I thought the relationship could survive the issue.

 

 

Anyway, my point is that I have never really been able to communicate properly what happened. I take full responsibility for what happened even though the whole issue generated from some bad luck.

 

 

I feel like she doesn't want to know since that would cause her to question her decision. What to do in this situation? I actually wrote a letter 3 months ago that explains it all while we were still in contact but I did not send it at that time. I wrote it with the idea that I would send it should we ever go into NC which has now been going on for 40 days.

 

 

I know on so many levels how wrong it is to send a letter or try and explain what issues were going on but honestly it just eats at me everyday. How much worse can it get?

 

 

I am talking to other girls and of course slowly trying to heal with the NC. But, there is just this thing that keeps eating at me. How do I walk away from a relationship when at the end of it, I wasn't me. I got myself mentally ill so to speak...... not something nice to confess to but it is what it is.

 

 

Her actions right now state she doesn't care but there is a part of me that thinks she has just put up a wall and maybe tackling this issue that occurred might have an effect. It might also help explain to her why I haven't let go of things as fast as other may have.

 

 

I admit that doing this is more for my benefit than hers although in the letter I did acknowledge that I know how that issue affected the relationship and her.

 

 

Look, she's not the girl she once was and has inflicted much hurt but .... I invested so much in that relationship and honestly came to accept all her flaws.

 

 

Right now, I guess Ill just keep doing my own thing but not sure I totally want to let this thing go. Me sitting on my hands forever certainly will not change the final impression she has of me.... although I do accept some time apart right now is needed for healing.

[sooshi]

She could have chosen to work through things.

 

She didn't make that choice.

 

Yes, keep doing your own thing. Keep no contact.

 

Take care.

[Blanco]

How long are you going to drag out this failed relationship?

 

You keep starting new threads, so it's hard to sort through the facts. What I recall, though is:

 

- You two were long-distance for an insane amount of time (something like 7 years)

- She was emotionally unavailable

- She dumped you and immediately got with someone else

- That relationship predictably failed and she reached out for her safety net (you) and you two started up again, even though people here suggested you not do that

- The rekindled relationship fell apart

 

At some point, it's time to accept that you two just aren't right for each other; that the only real reason this is so hard for you is that neither of you have had the strength to definitively cut ties, which has lead to nearly a decade-long saga.

[Kkristine]

You can't have that mentality. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Sure, you could've been a better partner. I'm sure she could've as well.

 

I felt like you did after my breakup, but then I realized that if someone truly wanted to be with me and if I truly wanted to be with them, I wouldn't have acted the way I did and he wouldn't have acted the way he did.

[basil67]

When you say that it "wasn't ME", you are not taking full responsibility for your behaviour.

 

Taking full responsibility would be to say that it was me. It was a side of me that I don't like (or didn't know I had) and something I'm going to address.

[BC1980]

How you acted was you, and you have to own it. You can learn from it, but it is you. That doesn't mean you can't change. I don't remember what you did that you think was so bad, but I bet it's not even that much.

[books2]

Guys,

 

 

about 40 days NC.

 

 

Just wondering.... when you know the reasons someone broke it off was because at that time you weren't yourself (personal problems), how does one deal with that?

 

 

7 years into an LDR and then unfortunately I hit some bad luck and then just dug a deeper hole with self-sabotaging etc.

 

 

Look, I can totally respect and understand someone's choice to leave in that situation but the frustrating part is that she assumed that was ME, well it was ME but it was ME wrestling with myself and I just needed to get through that.

 

 

During that time, I honestly thought we would be together forever, so I guess I thought the relationship could survive the issue.

 

 

Anyway, my point is that I have never really been able to communicate properly what happened. I take full responsibility for what happened even though the whole issue generated from some bad luck.

 

 

I feel like she doesn't want to know since that would cause her to question her decision. What to do in this situation? I actually wrote a letter 3 months ago that explains it all while we were still in contact but I did not send it at that time. I wrote it with the idea that I would send it should we ever go into NC which has now been going on for 40 days.

 

 

I know on so many levels how wrong it is to send a letter or try and explain what issues were going on but honestly it just eats at me everyday. How much worse can it get?

 

 

I am talking to other girls and of course slowly trying to heal with the NC. But, there is just this thing that keeps eating at me. How do I walk away from a relationship when at the end of it, I wasn't me. I got myself mentally ill so to speak...... not something nice to confess to but it is what it is.

 

 

Her actions right now state she doesn't care but there is a part of me that thinks she has just put up a wall and maybe tackling this issue that occurred might have an effect. It might also help explain to her why I haven't let go of things as fast as other may have.

 

 

I admit that doing this is more for my benefit than hers although in the letter I did acknowledge that I know how that issue affected the relationship and her.

 

 

Look, she's not the girl she once was and has inflicted much hurt but .... I invested so much in that relationship and honestly came to accept all her flaws.

 

 

Right now, I guess Ill just keep doing my own thing but not sure I totally want to let this thing go. Me sitting on my hands forever certainly will not change the final impression she has of me.... although I do accept some time apart right now is needed for healing.

 

 

Hey Marky... I feel for you... Acting in a different way because of personal issues will turn a lot of people off, perhaps even yourself... Understand where I am going with this?

 

Man, in all sincerity, I don't believe that contacting her to apologize for your ways will change anything to your situation...

 

Instead of seeking some forgiveness from her, you are probably better off forgiving yourself and moving on...

 

As you know, I just broke NC myself, so I know where you are coming from. Honestly, I really needed to know what my EX as up too and where she was mentally for my own sake... Now that I know, I can really move on, even if it hurts like mad right now...

 

To what extend would you benefit from contacting her... and what are you hoping to get out of it?

[JewelD]

I agree with the above posters. It was you. You were going through a bad time but it was you.

 

People go through things. Everyone. Whether it's depression, addiction, anxiety, physical illness, etc. But if somebody truly cares about you, they're going to stick around and try to work it out at least until it becomes unbearable for them.

 

Don't send the letter and stop worrying about what she thinks. It's been 40 days. At this point, letting it go shouldn't be an option, it's a necessity for your own sanity.

[basil67]

I can't help but wonder if your behaviour was the only thing which drove her away. Yes, I get that you weren't functioning well when your dog was sick....but what about the distance?

 

10 years long distance just sounds crazy. Why hadn't one of you moved to be with the other in order to give the relationship it's best chance? Sounds to me like both of you had priorities which were placed higher than the relationship.

[aloneinaz]

I'm just wondering how you two would've gotten along if you were in the same town if you couldn't even achieve that in a LDR?

[marky00]

We did a 3 month stint together (lived together) shortly before my issue started and it went very well. That's was about year 6 of the relationship.

 

 

That's the disappointing part.

 

 

Honestly for her, the long distance wasn't a problem. In the first 3 years I used to push really hard for things to happen ...communication wasn't easy due to cultural differences.

 

 

And yes I realise I was ME, no making excuses but it was an incredibly unique situation and it brought out my very worst side (which wasn't that bad as I tried super hard to keep it together).

[basil67]

If she was fine with the distance and you were having to push for things to happen, I have to question how much she was really into you. Did she not want you to move there?

 

Also regarding your stress, "but it was an incredibly unique situation" really sounds like you're still making excuses. We all have bad, random stuff happen to us - and it's how we cope with those things which shows who we really are as a person.