I need an MM lobotomy

[Ohmyohmy]

venting whining needing to get this out I know it's annoying but where else do you talk to people who understand this pain?

March will be two freakin years...oh my

This is ridiculous. Why anyone would choose this life is beyond me...that being said here I sit pathetically, obsessed with the addiction to MM. I know we're in the push/pull, I know this is wrong on so many levels, I'm hating who I've become. Things in his life have gotten crazy busy and he keeps bumping me down the list of things that need to come first. I practically beg him to just let me go...that I'm not strong enough to do this anymore...he says "I'm crazy he loves me, loves me as hard and deep as he ever has, he's waited years to tell me he loved me and that we have too much invested in each other to let each other go, I'm the only one who understands him, I'm his strength, I'm his future, I'm all that keeps him going, he can't function at work when he thinks I'm upset with him"....blah blah blah...and I eat it right up. It is pathetic!!! All this desperation for a few emails and phone calls a day...a couple times a week brief limited PA...

I have so much going for me, good job, sweet kids, friends, family...I am MW...not happily but I can't break up my family for my own selfishness...

I'm weak and the fact that he lives across the street makes it nearly impossible to quit this. I've tried telling him how it hurts me but he won't let me go. He just keeps asking me to be strong for him and like a total loser I say "oh ok you're right I just need to be stronger..."

I need the part of brain that thinks it loves him removed...

For OW's who finally got up the nerve to end it, because of the push/pull, without a Dday, because you just couldn't take it anymore please help...

[Popsicle]

Just keep thinking about either him completely and coldly cutting you off first (without a Dday), or think of a Dday.

[LimeBlue]

I will follow this thread because I could do with some advice too. Although all the advice in the world is here on this site, but it just never sinks in does it?

[HappyAgain2014]

It's not a magical formula. You need to decide you're done and stop. The action of doing this is completely in your control.

 

Stick to it by focusing on your children. If you recognize how selfish your behavior is, concentrate on how much pain they'd be in if they found out.

 

Your MM clearly isn't leaving his wife so what's the point? If it's to help each other cope with bad marriages, how's that working out now that you have a stressful affair added to the mix?

 

Get out now. It only gets worse.

[burnt]

I will follow this thread because I could do with some advice too. Although all the advice in the world is here on this site, but it just never sinks in does it?

 

So true; so well said.

 

BTW, LimeBlue, I love your quote

*Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone*.

 

But in this case, it's like we OWs sit by the muddy water, somehow finding ourselves with our legs dipped in the muddy water, suffering from involuntary muscle spasms in our uncooperative brains that cause the foot to twitch uncontrollably, continuously making the water muddier, while we are shouting at the top of our lungs and telling our legs to stop twitching.

[burnt]

And

Ahh,

all the while the perpetual running inner dialogue our minds' theater:

 

I love him; I don't want to love him; but I can't help but love him; but does he love me? why doesn't he love me? I wish I could have him; but I can't have him; oh but I want him; I wish he wanted me; but I don't want this to continue; but I want him to continue; I want the pain to stop; but I don't want him to stop...

 

...

 

FRIED.

MASHED.

SCRAMBLED.

BRAIN.

[Ohmyohmy]

Burnt...it's like your in my brain!!

I also swear that he has some kind is sixth sense, because the minute I start to try and think about possibly making a plan to end it he calls or emails and I'm right there being a "good girl" again...

I'm in IC and I understand how addictive this is...IC has tried to help me talk to him about it but he always knows the right thing to say or do to show me that I misunderstand him. That we are helping each other...ugh...

 

There's also a ton of future talk on his end. I don't think he's "faking", I think he truly believes that magically this will just go on until our kids are grown(that's at least 8 years away!!!)(and I tell him I'm not able to even get through a week how would I do this 8 years?!?)and then we'll leave...if it wasn't for LS, I'd be totally believing that this was going to happen...thank goodness the stories here have opened my eyes a little!! Now I know better...but like LimeBlue said, we can get all the advice in the world it just never sinks in...

 

Anyway thanks ladies for chiming in. I'm definitely a work in progress....

[whichwayisup]

It's only a matter of time before someone finds out (a nosy neighbour or even your husband or his wife) and then all hell will break loose.

 

My suggestion is counseling. Go talk to someone who can help you get strong enough to end your affair.

 

Also, you need to make a decision to either re invest in your marriage and reconnect with your husband or divorce. Having an A hasn't helped you at all it's just complicated your life even more and you've risked innocent people's lives (husband and children) by choosing to have an A. If and when this gets found out, the fallout will be devastating more than the average norm because your A is with your neighbour. Be scared! And use that fear to your advantage and change your life. Fight the so called 'love' you feel for MM. It's unhealthy and damaging to you - and you're obviously not happy in either your marriage or your A so please, get to counseling to help fix yourself.

[Lovetoohard]

I came to my senses and walked away from my MM. I believe that he loved me in a selfish, compartmentalized way and my love for him was real. I think a part of me will always love him. BUT, I couldn't put my future on hold and stay on the sidelines indefinitely. I could no longer ignore the daily reality checks of our dynamic stabbing my heart and soul like darts on a dart board. It was demoralizing and I became a version of myself that I didn't even recognize. Yet I gave, gave and gave and struggled to the point of being exhausted. I felt crazy, obsessed, emotionally volatile, and sad. I can't blame him for anything- I allowed myself to be devalued because I bent my boundaries to the extent that I find to be morally repugnant.

 

I love him but I love myself too. I just needed to get emotionally exhausted to the point of realizing that I loved myself MORE than I loved him and that's why I walked away.

[RySant]

Sigh,

 

I would really never understand you guys, until maybe if I put myself in your shoes (God forbid PLEASE) but if there's a lesson in here, as a young adult, this is what I have taken:

 

Self-Control - Cheating/Infidelity is like smoking. NEVER TRY it or you'll find it very difficult to let go. It can be let go of, but it needs a lot of work and dedication...... in this case, with self-respect as well AND respect to my children (which is, by the way, will drive me to do my damn hardest)

 

The notion of Love - Love, as we understand it, is that feeling of fluffiness, butterflies, and that deep sense of longing for one person that makes them stuck in your mind 24/7. Makes you go gaga in many ways. Disney's fault. It's not love. It's INFATUATION. It's just STAGE 1 of Love. Love is when infatuation subsides and you still commit to that person, no matter what his/her age, weight etc. That's the final stage that must continuously worked on to stay on that stage. But sadly, everyone is addicted to that stage 1 of love and thus, situations like yours happen. And that concludes my personal decision to NEVER MARRY until I am truly and irrevocably sure that me and my partner reaches that final stage of love and are committed to work on it. It's still not 100% affair-proof, but I know I did what I could.

 

Strength - When infatuated, people are so disillusioned that they are weak in the spell of their MM/MW and they just can't let go. But people doesn't just need strength in terms of breaking away from something that is wrong. They need courage. Courage to walk away from something they think is good. Unfortunately, people inside the affair doesn't or won't acknowledge their mistake or the gravity of their deed until D-Day: When they will actually see the effects of their actions to their loveones.

 

Common reactions of busted spouses are either they cry, beg for forgiveness and try to explain themselves THINKING that these actions will erase what they've done. That their BS will understand them and let this go..... Well, you have no idea what they'll be going through. Just read the stories here and you'll see for yourself,

“How can I be reasonable? To me our love was everything and you were my whole life. It is not very pleasant to realize that to you it was only an episode.”

― W. Somerset Maugham

 

“The desire to love someone always exceeds the desire to be loved by someone & that's exactly why we end up loving the person who doesn't deserve that LOVE.”

― Anirban Bose

“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.”

― Coco Chanel

 

“All happiness depends on courage and work.”

― Honoré de Balzac

[MidnightBlue1980]

I guess that is me. I ended it on my own and it SUCKED. Then that night MM told her and created his own D day. They are together, which is what he wanted.

 

I am not sure I would advise you to have a big breakup. I did that, thinking I was being adult but it blew up in my face. I should have been like a guy and faded away. I only helped their marriage. And I feel like crap. Yes, I have the fact I ended it and that's something but not really as I know I was only good enough for an A. Not a good feeling. Read my posts.

 

I would advise you to just fade out. Once you take all hope away, they become nasty and unpredictable. Your H might find out.

[sandylee1]

When it gets too painful...you'll quit. You haven't reached that point...... not yet.

 

You don't want to break up your family...but if your husband finds out... it could result in exactly that.

 

How can you be MMs future when you're married.....is that a future of continued stolen moments?

 

Words are just words.....he can say anything and everything to you...but you keep slipping down the list.... which shows he isn't that invested. Actions speak louder than words.....

 

You're still seeing the positives...and it's too sweet for you to give up a man who says all those nice things to you. You can see an empty place without him in your life...and you don't want that.

 

You lack the strength and he has no desire to end it. So this will continue until there's a dday or one of you losses interest.

He's waiting to be less busy...and you can start up again as before.

[still_an_Angel]

Sigh,

 

I would really never understand you guys, until maybe if I put myself in your shoes (God forbid PLEASE) but if there's a lesson in here, as a young adult, this is what I have taken:

 

I'm glad you are picking up valuable learnings from our stories here, its really hard to imagine walking in the shoes of the OW because you do not feel it yourself. Talk about loosing one's self in a crazy situation like this! I never imagined it for me too, I was raised by catholic nuns, everything I'm doing now is against all I was taught (sigh)

[still_an_Angel]

I will follow this thread because I could do with some advice too. Although all the advice in the world is here on this site, but it just never sinks in does it?

 

Me too, I've been on here for years, even I myself have given advice to other OWs to do the right thing, end the pain and walk away. But I've never done it myself though I'm perfectly aware how damaging this is for me. (sigh, more banging of head on door)

[Adoraxx]

@ohmyohmy , my xMM is my neighbor too... and as long as you're sort of satisfied with the situation, nothing will change I suppose.

 

I met this man 8 years ago and he discarded me over and over and over again, and always wanted me back. And I always took him back although I tried to cut off all the physical aspects (I think cutting that off is a good first step).

 

Today it's day 78 of NC.. I'm still hurting and I'm still missing him. But it was obvious that his feelings for me weren't the same as my feelings for him. He even told me that he is 'crazy about his W' and that he can't live with his 'guilt' anymore blah blah blah, while in the same breath telling me that he 'will still come see me' (he hasn't) and that he 'is still in love with me' (which is one big lie). I haven't seen him ever since and now his silent treatment has become my NC........... What can I say... It hurts!

 

I don't have much advice for you, except try to make a list of the things that you don't like... write down in what ways he's hurting you, and keep that in mind at all times.

[Ohmyohmy]

adoraxx

I'm sorry you're living through the silent treatment and xmm being so thoughtless : (...but 78 days of NC!! That's admirable!! How do manage not to see him? I'm pretty sure if I actually ever get strong enough to stop living this insanity I'd still physically see him frequently. He's literally right across the street...

I think that I'm slowly getting "unsatisfied", I don't know why I put so much energy into this relationship. I wish it didn't consume my thoughts as much as it does...

I appreciate reading your replies!

 

@ Rysant...I guess tank you for replying? Not sure why you have such an interest in following stories of OW? If you're not married? And so young?

I hope our pain and brutal honesty helps you find the right woman in life??

That being said...

It truly is a situation that until you find yourself in it you never really can understand how twisted it is. Before this relationship I never would have even considered the possibility of having an A. I really just thought I'd stay in my M and just be unhappy...but fulfill myself in healthy ways.(kids, friends, education, work, gardening, hiking...)things that just bring a person joy with no complications. Then at a very low point in my life and M, mm decided it was time to let me know how he'd felt all these years. I was kinda blindsided...I knew he occasionally took too much of an interest in me...but it was usually at parties and we'd had drinks...I always just shrugged it off. Never saw myself being "that woman"...now here I am, well past the "infatuation " stage...emotionally consumed by this relationship. And as Sandylee pointed out, yes there is a certain element of "sweetness" that keeps me sucked in. I suppose that's the same for most of us still in an A.

Ok gonna try and go do some positive things today and try not to be obsessing over this all day.

Oh my

[gettingstronger]

He seems really manipulative to me- its hard for me to admit this, but my husband really got off on the ego trip part of his affair (makes my stomach hurt to think he was like that) A few things that stick in my mind as particularly ick that we talked about in therapy-

 

1. big ego trip for someone to risk so much for him (he didn't see his own risk which is stupid)

2 felt really powerful over someone else- he could push/pull- say what he wanted to and sure she would get upset, but he didn't have to live with her-he could just wait for her to cool off and she'd come back around

 

For me, I really needed to see that he has changed from the person willing to manipulate like that- its been a long, slow process-

[Popsicle]

He seems really manipulative to me- its hard for me to admit this, but my husband really got off on the ego trip part of his affair (makes my stomach hurt to think he was like that) A few things that stick in my mind as particularly ick that we talked about in therapy-

 

1. big ego trip for someone to risk so much for him (he didn't see his own risk which is stupid)

2 felt really powerful over someone else- he could push/pull- say what he wanted to and sure she would get upset, but he didn't have to live with her-he could just wait for her to cool off and she'd come back around

 

For me, I really needed to see that he has changed from the person willing to manipulate like that- its been a long, slow process-

 

I would like to understand this phenomenon more too. I see this happening in all sorts of relationships and I would love to understand what's behind it.

[Ohmyohmy]

Just gonna go ahead and keep being honest about how screwed up this is

 

(Again disclaimer, I'm aware I'm selfish, I don't want to screw anyone else's life up on purpose, I want to put my family first...I'm not sure where I stand on my M..I'll get there...not today but I'll get there)

 

Hmm, it feels a little manipulative sometimes(lately). There's a couple factors that come into play.

One, he has a high level corporate job, he's used to being in control...I'm the opposite...that definitely comes into play.

Two, I think that his M was soooo disconnected for so long, (I'm ashamed to say I know this for a fact from both parties(I no longer engage in any conversation about their marriage with her...try to avoid it with him...) (I no longer justify this A with that, in the beginning I definitely did...through LS and IC I know I have to stop justifying this situation)

The closer we got, the more I fell for him, the more we realized how much we have in common interest wise...he definitely craved that attention/appreciation...love..., initially I saw an increase in his confidence at home because of the ego boost.

A couple times I freaked out because of guilt and anxiety and he worked very hard to settle me down and stay in the A. That low would always be followed by big highs...during those times I have definitely verbalized how much I depend on him in my life how much he means to me, how much I appreciate him letting me into his life...ego boost...

I know now that it's like a drug, and even though I believe that he believes he loves me, I think he's just getting a hit of his drug when he needs it to get through the day...

 

Now, even as I type this...part of my brain says "that's not true, were two people who fell in love, because of crappy situations, who stay for our kids to preserve our families. And it's hard, so sometimes it's gonna hurt but I need to be stronger and stay in it, and help each other through the good and bad because it makes life better..."

 

I want to see clearly

I don't want to be manipulated...that's not love.

I want to be loved for who I am in a normal way

I'm working on getting there

 

Ohmy

[RySant]

@ Rysant...I guess tank you for replying? Not sure why you have such an interest in following stories of OW? If you're not married? And so young?

I hope our pain and brutal honesty helps you find the right woman in life??

That being said...

It truly is a situation that until you find yourself in it you never really can understand how twisted it is. Before this relationship I never would have even considered the possibility of having an A. I really just thought I'd stay in my M and just be unhappy...but fulfill myself in healthy ways.(kids, friends, education, work, gardening, hiking...)things that just bring a person joy with no complications. Then at a very low point in my life and M, mm decided it was time to let me know how he'd felt all these years. I was kinda blindsided...I knew he occasionally took too much of an interest in me...but it was usually at parties and we'd had drinks...I always just shrugged it off. Never saw myself being "that woman"...now here I am, well past the "infatuation " stage...emotionally consumed by this relationship. And as Sandylee pointed out, yes there is a certain element of "sweetness" that keeps me sucked in. I suppose that's the same for most of us still in an A.

Ok gonna try and go do some positive things today and try not to be obsessing over this all day.

Oh my

 

Because I have issues that I need to resolve. I haven't gotten in any kind of relationship. I thought I was just aloof, or maybe unattractive, or shy, numb etc etc.

 

UNTIL

 

When I really looked into my life, I am being noticed. I am being pursued, I have admirers, some people really want me..... but it's me who stays away from them? The big reason is: I am very afraid to be cheated on. to be abandoned, to receive that very worst words from the person I (will) love most: "I found someone else, and I will leave you"

 

I have been a child from a broken marriage. My father basically left us for another woman, and I saw the misery of my mom.......... I hated my father and the OW for years, even hated my eventual half-sister.

 

I never viewed relationship the same way again.

 

I thought I got out of that mess unscathed since I basically am criminal record-free, no signs of rebellion, and I am a brilliant student (my mom thanked heavens for that) but I guess the damage is now coming out from the depths.... lol.

[lemondrop21]

 

There's also a ton of future talk on his end. I don't think he's "faking", I think he truly believes that magically this will just go on until our kids are grown(that's at least 8 years away!!!)(and I tell him I'm not able to even get through a week how would I do this 8 years?!?)and then we'll leave...if it wasn't for LS, I'd be totally believing that this was going to happen...thank goodness the stories here have opened my eyes a little!! Now I know better...but like LimeBlue said, we can get all the advice in the world it just never sinks in...

Keep telling yourself this. Could you allow yourself to be in this emotional state for 8 years? Children are perceptive, they notice things. They will look back on their childhood and think, Mom was kind of crazy and distracted... for a LONG time.

 

I wondered if I would get to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I did get there eventually. IC helped, because my therapist encouraged me to corner him and ask questions over time. Eventually the answers to those questions meant there was no turning back for either of us. But it did take time, and your MM probably won't ever decide to end it - you'll have to do that for you.

 

Best of luck and we are here for you.

[burnt]

Because I have issues that I need to resolve. I haven't gotten in any kind of relationship. I thought I was just aloof, or maybe unattractive, or shy, numb etc etc.

 

UNTIL

 

When I really looked into my life, I am being noticed. I am being pursued, I have admirers, some people really want me..... but it's me who stays away from them? The big reason is: I am very afraid to be cheated on. to be abandoned, to receive that very worst words from the person I (will) love most: "I found someone else, and I will leave you"

 

I have been a child from a broken marriage. My father basically left us for another woman, and I saw the misery of my mom.......... I hated my father and the OW for years, even hated my eventual half-sister.

 

I never viewed relationship the same way again.

 

I thought I got out of that mess unscathed since I basically am criminal record-free, no signs of rebellion, and I am a brilliant student (my mom thanked heavens for that) but I guess the damage is now coming out from the depths.... lol.

 

It's a strange strange world.

 

If there was a magic wand, and if I could have one wish, I suppose I'd want to switch places with you and give away all that I have. I'd be so lucky if I could be a child from a broken family where the father walks away with OW and I grow up with a single mother who I'd be loved by.

 

But I suppose from your point of view, I'm the lucky one, since my father did no such thing. He didn't cheat on my mother, didn't run away. My parents stayed together for life. From the outside ours was a happy family.

 

From the inside: my father wasn't happy with my mother. But he was faithful (unlike your cheating father!). But instead my father over time became distant, disconnected, dissociated, and abusive--verbally, psychologically, physically--24 hours a day to ALL of us.

 

and...

I learned F.E.A.R.

I learned what it feels like to be afraid. I wished I could run away. I wished I could disappear everyday; I still pay the price of all that abuse--I'm 35 now.

 

To this day, I don't know what it feels to be hugged by a parent, to see a parent happy even for a single minute, to see a parent smile.

 

I don't hate my father; I understand he was unhappy and unlucky in many ways also. He had his share of misery too. Hate is really not the solution, is it?

 

Whether or not you fully understand, I honestly do wish my parents, by whatever means separated; by not doing so, by staying in an unhappy marriage, EVERYONE died on the inside eventually.

 

It's very easy to stand on the outside and judge people for the wrongs they do, until you one day find yourself walking the path they walked on.

 

Rysan, I'm sorry for what you went through and how it has distorted your view of relationships.

But you MUST at some point realize that you can prepare, you can plan, you can rationalize all you want--but sometimes life will throw a very painful lesson in your direction when you least expect it and that's when you realize how quickly one can fall on his knees and do what he never thought he'd do.

 

I hope by reading all these accounts you are at least able to make one observation, which is that

Most/many people finding themselves in affairs never thought they would ever do such a thing; they fight to get out, but fail. They hurt themselves and hate themselves and still fail to stop the affair. The battle they fight with themselves on the inside is not possible to describe or measure.

 

Yes, it's possible you will get hurt by the woman you love in the future;

but DO please also consider the possibility that you will fall out of love with the woman you claim to love and break her hurt forever unintentionally also.

[gettingstronger]

I would like to understand this phenomenon more too. I see this happening in all sorts of relationships and I would love to understand what's behind it.

 

From my experience only-

 

Its low self esteem- you can be successful, you can have "it all" and you can still have low self esteem- my husband is externally motivated so it leaves him open to esteem issues- his desire to be powerful and manipulate was just a self-medication of his esteem issues- he is an SVP, from the outside looking in, he has it all- for him, the lull of life is what triggered his problems-he had plateaued at work (SVP is not a bad plateau) we were comfortable, the kids doing well, bought a vacation home, etc... nothing really on the horizon to get him going, nothing "special" about him at the moment-

 

Its yuck in my mind and he has worked hard to derive pleasure and power from being a good man, a good husband and a good father- we do a lot of adventures these days-planning trips, bucket list stuff that keeps him going- for a while right after dday, it was heavy drinking and arguing that got his adrenaline going- thats not good either-

[Popsicle]

From my experience only-

 

Its low self esteem- you can be successful, you can have "it all" and you can still have low self esteem- my husband is externally motivated so it leaves him open to esteem issues- his desire to be powerful and manipulate was just a self-medication of his esteem issues- he is an SVP, from the outside looking in, he has it all- for him, the lull of life is what triggered his problems-he had plateaued at work (SVP is not a bad plateau) we were comfortable, the kids doing well, bought a vacation home, etc... nothing really on the horizon to get him going, nothing "special" about him at the moment-

 

Its yuck in my mind and he has worked hard to derive pleasure and power from being a good man, a good husband and a good father- we do a lot of adventures these days-planning trips, bucket list stuff that keeps him going- for a while right after dday, it was heavy drinking and arguing that got his adrenaline going- thats not good either-

 

It IS yuck.

 

I'm not sure I get the connection to low self-esteem though? Clearly they are full of themselves. (lol)

 

Sometimes this seems like just boredom to me.

Edited January 21, 2016 by Popsicle

[gettingstronger]

It IS yuck.

 

I'm not sure I get the connection to low self-esteem though? Clearly they are full of themselves. (lol)

 

Sometimes this seems like just boredom to me.

 

 

Read up on the clinical idea of low self esteem. What appears as bravado is a mask for low self esteem. And yes, those types are easily bored.