I need an MM lobotomy

[gettingstronger]

And, of course being an ass!

[brothers343]

Op I read your thread and it was heart felt becouse the rabbit hole is getting deeper and deeper. His not going to leave OP, his going to stay until one day you tell him it's over. I can actually see your world being consumed by this man....do you actually believe his in his bat cave all depressed that one day he may not have you? His living 2 lives. One is being the super hero to you and the other is being a family man....to his actual family. It's kind of sad that when his ship breaks he will actually take you down with him to the abyss. Is that what you really want? The funny thing about your story is that you don't mention his family......you both are going to destroy futures that haven't even started yet. Be strong and leave. Many people in this forum have survived worse fates then this one. You should be no different. There's no future for you guys. ... your just blinded by so called (love).

[Horton]

I have so much going for me, good job, sweet kids, friends, family...I am MW...not happily but I can't break up my family for my own selfishness...

 

What's wrong with your husband? Also your reasoning makes no sense, you've already risked the break up of your family for your own selfishness by having an affair, since your family breaking up is the logical conclusion if/when this gets discovered.

 

I'm weak and the fact that he lives across the street makes it nearly impossible to quit this.

 

This won't end well for anybody IMO.

[Adoraxx]

adoraxx

I'm sorry you're living through the silent treatment and xmm being so thoughtless : (...but 78 days of NC!! That's admirable!! How do manage not to see him? I'm pretty sure if I actually ever get strong enough to stop living this insanity I'd still physically see him frequently. He's literally right across the street...

 

I just don't go outside when I know that there's a chance of running into him. I know his work times so in that regard, it's relatively easy. Of course I've seen him when looking through my windows but I've made sure not to run into him. I don't want to see his cold face and I don't want to hear his cold voice treating me as if I'm simply some stranger on the street or one of his acquaintances. It's so hurtful that I prefer to make sure not to run into him. I did the same this past Summer, I even stayed in my backyard most of the time. Now, I don't think I would do that again this Summer because it's just as much MY neighborhood, but I'll have to see how that goes. He shouldn't think that he owns the neighborhood, ugh he makes me so mad sometimes.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I will follow this thread because I could do with some advice too. Although all the advice in the world is here on this site, but it just never sinks in does it?

 

You are absolutely right of course. Even with all the sage advice here, it is simply the fact that if one doesn't like that advice, one doesn't take it......

[Clockwatching]

I totally agree, there's no magic formula but I would say that people are only ever motivated to do such things when the pain of being with him in this way is greater than your need to love him.

 

So if you want the motivation to change things, make it as bad as you possibly can, invest as much as possible, expect everything that he's been promising, love him as much as you can even if it means personal sacrifice and compromise of your ultimate values, neglect your own goals and dreams and put everything in the pot for him.

 

Keep going until your need for personal survival is greater than your ability to love him, keep doing the above and the desire to get out will come.

 

I guess I'm philosophical, I do think we go through situations in life, good and bad because there are angles of ourselves we need to develop, create and define and I think this is one of them.

 

A lot of the posts on here that I read (mine included when I was involved) scream 'why aren't I good enough? What's wrong with me? Why am I unlovable? Why aren't I worthy? Why doesn't he treat me better?'

 

The more I've travelled this road the more I've realised that asking other people to validate or define you or judge you as worthy is a waste of your life, but sometimes these roads need to be travelled and need to be painful enough for you to reject the mindset that you had that led you here. It's definitely something that I needed, and maybe he needed lessons too but I'm not sure what his were/are and it's not for me to say.

 

Whilst you're in this, be kind but honest with yourself and try to notice when you come at the bottom of your own list.

 

xx

[Ohmyohmy]

I just don't go outside when I know that there's a chance of running into him. I know his work times so in that regard, it's relatively easy. Of course I've seen him when looking through my windows but I've made sure not to run into him. I don't want to see his cold face and I don't want to hear his cold voice treating me as if I'm simply some stranger on the street or one of his acquaintances. It's so hurtful that I prefer to make sure not to run into him. I did the same this past Summer, I even stayed in my backyard most of the time. Now, I don't think I would do that again this Summer because it's just as much MY neighborhood, but I'll have to see how that goes. He shouldn't think that he owns the neighborhood, ugh he makes me so mad sometimes.

 

Thank you Adoraxx

I think that if I can ever get to the point that I actually end it, and he actually accepts it, he'll probably avoid me like the plague..about 6 months into the A we had a mini-dday and I made it very clear it was over.

He literally hid from me for a month and a half...but as I know now...they always come back...

 

I'm a little thrown by what happened last night with Millions thread : ( In one way it helped me see that I don't want to give A that much control to destroy my life. On the other hand it terrified me at how sharing so much in an open forum can go horribly wrong....

Thank you for sharing our experience with me, yes, you take back your front yard!!! By then you'll be 6 months stronger!!

ohmy

[Ohmyohmy]

I totally agree, there's no magic formula but I would say that people are only ever motivated to do such things when the pain of being with him in this way is greater than your need to love him.

 

So if you want the motivation to change things, make it as bad as you possibly can, invest as much as possible, expect everything that he's been promising, love him as much as you can even if it means personal sacrifice and compromise of your ultimate values, neglect your own goals and dreams and put everything in the pot for him.

 

Keep going until your need for personal survival is greater than your ability to love him, keep doing the above and the desire to get out will come.

 

I guess I'm philosophical, I do think we go through situations in life, good and bad because there are angles of ourselves we need to develop, create and define and I think this is one of them.

 

A lot of the posts on here that I read (mine included when I was involved) scream 'why aren't I good enough? What's wrong with me? Why am I unlovable? Why aren't I worthy? Why doesn't he treat me better?'

 

The more I've travelled this road the more I've realised that asking other people to validate or define you or judge you as worthy is a waste of your life, but sometimes these roads need to be travelled and need to be painful enough for you to reject the mindset that you had that led you here. It's definitely something that I needed, and maybe he needed lessons too but I'm not sure what his were/are and it's not for me to say.

 

Whilst you're in this, be kind but honest with yourself and try to notice when you come at the bottom of your own list.

 

xx

 

Clockwatching, thank you, I appreciate your philosophical point of view, one thing I've definitely learned is that I will never ever do this again!!!

 

That's an interesting thought to give it my all and let it get so bad I can't handle it then just abruptly end it......another poster had suggested letting it slowly die...I was thinking that might best...because we have to deal with each other frequently in the neighborhood...I was thinking slowly withdrawing and trying to get back to just neighbors would be best. Before the A, we were friends but I never communicated directly with him on a daily basis...so I guess that would eventually be what we'd return to...

 

He's so stressed out with so many things in his life right now, me backing away a little at a time might be the best option. I'm not sure he'd even notice...

 

The guilt of living this screwed up situation is really getting to me today...

 

I was just at IC and she said the same thing, about just being honest with my self/taking good care of myself while I work this out..

Thank you again

Ohmy

[Ohmyohmy]

Op I read your thread and it was heart felt becouse the rabbit hole is getting deeper and deeper. His not going to leave OP, his going to stay until one day you tell him it's over. I can actually see your world being consumed by this man....do you actually believe his in his bat cave all depressed that one day he may not have you? His living 2 lives. One is being the super hero to you and the other is being a family man....to his actual family. It's kind of sad that when his ship breaks he will actually take you down with him to the abyss. Is that what you really want? The funny thing about your story is that you don't mention his family......you both are going to destroy futures that haven't even started yet. Be strong and leave. Many people in this forum have survived worse fates then this one. You should be no different. There's no future for you guys. ... your just blinded by so called (love).

 

Brothers343 oh boy is it a rabbit hole...you're right, he won't leave, it'll have to be me that ends it.

Consumed!! Yes, that's what makes me crazy...I don't want to think about this all day, I have plenty of really wonderful things in my life. I'd rather be refocusing on them...and I do not want to hurt our families. The thing that I can't get away from is the amount of time, emotions invested in each other, I really like him as a person, he fills some major voids in my life(I know I need to address this myself other than having an A)

...of course I see his negative points too... but I am blinded by love...

And yes, I do truly believe that he is a wreck when I back away, he gets sick, panic attacks, can't function to the point that his coworkers notice...well per him hehe...my IC says I function as a human antidepressant for him...

 

I'm doing alot of soul searching on how to fix this...and it's gonna take time...

Meanwhile I spend the day trying to be overly kind to every other person I come in contact with hehee trying to balance out my crappy decision making with MM!!

Thanks for giving your perspective. Have a great day

Ohmy

[Marc878]

Your life is going to be what you make it. No one is going to do it for you.

 

I can tell you this most MM are not going to ruin their life financially or otherwise for an OW.

 

Talk is cheap. His actions speak louder.

 

What would happen if you put the time and effort into your family/marriage that you are wasting on this?

[Ohmyohmy]

Your life is going to be what you make it. No one is going to do it for you.

 

I can tell you this most MM are not going to ruin their life financially or otherwise for an OW.

 

Talk is cheap. His actions speak louder.

 

What would happen if you put the time and effort into your family/marriage that you are wasting on this?

 

Hey Marc

Yes, rationally, I fully know this. I'm trying to start making my life what I want. I'm weak when it comes to this A. I know that. Because of so much I've read on LC I'm slowly starting to change my perspective.

I used to believe all his talk of our future together, I really did. It seemed to make a lot of sense...now I know the term "future faking"...I think he believes the future he sees with me...I've talked to him about how unrealistic it is, gotten into the nitty gritty of leaving, losing friends, losing respect, destroying our families...it doesn't scare him...scares me big time. I call him on his words not matching his actions...he always knows what to say to calm me down...he does not want A to end...

 

I think my plan should be to keep backing away slowly until he doesn't even miss me...then just end it...

 

I'll be honest, it's really painful for me to lose him in my life and I'm just not sure how to make it work...I am afraid of losing the good parts he brings to my life....and believe me, I know how very wrong that thought process is...

 

I do give my all to my kids, I'm the play date mom, house always full of other kids, volunteer at their activities...plan outings for kids and friends...

 

My M...ugh...it's just there...he's who he is and I'm not going to change him. But I don't want to destroy our family either...I'm not giving up, I'm not sure what either of us wants...I know I need work there.

 

I "fell in love" with someone else and there's no magic switch to turn that off...I wish there was...

Thanks for your input...

Ohmy

[Babs22]

I "fell in love" with someone else and there's no magic switch to turn that off...I wish there was...

Ohmy

 

Ohmy,

I know what you are going through, I feel this too. I have been in an A for 3 years now with a MM and I am a MW too. My MM does not future fake. The most we talk about it maybe taking a vacation together. He does not have kids, but still knows he would lose the respect of others if he left his W. I have two kids, the youngest is almost 18. I think of leaving my H, not to be with MM, but because I am not happy here and neither is my H. We currently stay for our youngest son who deals with severe depression. Not sure how much my H helps him with this, but I feel like my son needs us both around.

 

I have to say it would be tough if my MM lived across the street. Not sure how I would deal with that. That's all a bit too close for comfort. Good luck with trying to end your relationship. I have thought about ending our A, mostly because there is no happy ending in sight, but here I am 3 years later.

[lemondrop21]

Clockwatching, thank you, I appreciate your philosophical point of view, one thing I've definitely learned is that I will never ever do this again!!!

 

That's an interesting thought to give it my all and let it get so bad I can't handle it then just abruptly end it......another poster had suggested letting it slowly die...I was thinking that might best...because we have to deal with each other frequently in the neighborhood...I was thinking slowly withdrawing and trying to get back to just neighbors would be best. Before the A, we were friends but I never communicated directly with him on a daily basis...so I guess that would eventually be what we'd return to...

 

He's so stressed out with so many things in his life right now, me backing away a little at a time might be the best option. I'm not sure he'd even notice...

 

The guilt of living this screwed up situation is really getting to me today...

 

I was just at IC and she said the same thing, about just being honest with my self/taking good care of myself while I work this out..

Thank you again

Ohmy

 

In my experience, the slowly dying thing is hard because once MM catches on, he will feel vulnerable and start to pursue. At least that's been my experience.

[Ohmyohmy]

Ohmy,

I know what you are going through, I feel this too. I have been in an A for 3 years now with a MM and I am a MW too. My MM does not future fake. The most we talk about it maybe taking a vacation together. He does not have kids, but still knows he would lose the respect of others if he left his W. I have two kids, the youngest is almost 18. I think of leaving my H, not to be with MM, but because I am not happy here and neither is my H. We currently stay for our youngest son who deals with severe depression. Not sure how much my H helps him with this, but I feel like my son needs us both around.

 

I have to say it would be tough if my MM lived across the street. Not sure how I would deal with that. That's all a bit too close for comfort. Good luck with trying to end your relationship. I have thought about ending our A, mostly because there is no happy ending in sight, but here I am 3 years later.

 

Thank you Babs!!

It's funny, staying in the marriage for the kids, it seems like the right thing to do. I go around and around in my head, and I think at this time, my kids being so young I want to stay. My H, he lives his life, he's involved in what he wants to be involved in, we don't have a whole lot in common except the kids. We have been through MC three times(before my A started) and the same issues just repeat themselves...

I know people outside of these situations don't understand. The strain of sitting at dinner together with practically nothing to say to each other... Not alone but darn I'm lonely...

I know the A isn't the answer, I know he has his own set of issues that contribute to the decline of his M.

We just click in a way I never have with anyone else...

That being said, it needs to end, I know that. It's terribly unhealthy for both of us...

Does your MM know you've thought of ending it?

Does he try and talk you back?

 

Today, I didn't let him know I could talk, I wasted tons of time typing here but I didn't reach out to him like I'm supposed to. Later I'll just say I was busy all day with other people...baby steps...Friday nights are usually family nights so it'll be an LC night anyway.

 

Thanks for understanding Babs! TGIF OH MY!!

[Babs22]

Thank you Babs!!

It's funny, staying in the marriage for the kids, it seems like the right thing to do. I go around and around in my head, and I think at this time, my kids being so young I want to stay. My H, he lives his life, he's involved in what he wants to be involved in, we don't have a whole lot in common except the kids. We have been through MC three times(before my A started) and the same issues just repeat themselves...

I know people outside of these situations don't understand. The strain of sitting at dinner together with practically nothing to say to each other... Not alone but darn I'm lonely...

I know the A isn't the answer, I know he has his own set of issues that contribute to the decline of his M.

We just click in a way I never have with anyone else...

That being said, it needs to end, I know that. It's terribly unhealthy for both of us...

Does your MM know you've thought of ending it?

Does he try and talk you back?

 

Today, I didn't let him know I could talk, I wasted tons of time typing here but I didn't reach out to him like I'm supposed to. Later I'll just say I was busy all day with other people...baby steps...Friday nights are usually family nights so it'll be an LC night anyway.

 

Thanks for understanding Babs! TGIF OH MY!!

 

Ohmy,

I totally get the, "We just click in a way I never have with anyone else" statement. MM and I really get along and have many things in common. I think in 3 years I have had more conversations with MM than I have with my husband in 30. I've known my H for 30, been married 21 years. I get the feeling lonely part as well.

 

No, I don't think MM knows I think of ending it. I know he knows I get sad over the A especially when we cannot spend time together. For example, today we would have spent together (both off work), but his wife had a dental procedure so he had to do that instead. Or Spring break when they always take a cruise and I am always home. Weekends are not good as we spend them both with our families. Those times are tough. We really have never broken contact, except maybe once. I kinda had a melt down last summer, and said a lot about how I was feeling. We went LC for awhile, he was heading out of town with his nephews anyway, so we just didn't talk much for those few days. I did not say I wanted to end our R during my melt down. He was just upset that he was hurting me and didn't know if we should continue. I told him that I could handle it and for him not to worry about hurting me, I was OK. That was the closest we ever came to a NC or breaking it off. I've never said, "I want to end this" and neither has he. I do think that he knows that I struggle internally. I don't feel like he has the same struggle.

 

As far as staying together for the kids, I almost left 2 years ago, but shortly after that my son started his battle with major depression. Then any thought of leaving was gone. I had to take care of my son, and it has been my main focus. My H and I are no happier. Actually my H is pretty miserable. My son will graduate this year. I am assuming my H, will bring up divorce at some time after that. My kids are older than yours though. I doubt I would have even considered leaving when they were younger. My kids know that our marriage is not a good one. They have made comments since before my A started. Our M lacks any show of affection. Even the boys have difficulty feeling like their dad loves them. I know he does, he just sucks at showing it.

 

It is a difficult situation to be in. I don't have any answers, but I know some of what you are going through.

Babs

[Marc878]

Hey Marc

Yes, rationally, I fully know this. I'm trying to start making my life what I want. I'm weak when it comes to this A. I know that. Because of so much I've read on LC I'm slowly starting to change my perspective.

I used to believe all his talk of our future together, I really did. It seemed to make a lot of sense...now I know the term "future faking"...I think he believes the future he sees with me...I've talked to him about how unrealistic it is, gotten into the nitty gritty of leaving, losing friends, losing respect, destroying our families...it doesn't scare him...scares me big time. I call him on his words not matching his actions...he always knows what to say to calm me down...he does not want A to end...

 

I think my plan should be to keep backing away slowly until he doesn't even miss me...then just end it...

 

I'll be honest, it's really painful for me to lose him in my life and I'm just not sure how to make it work...I am afraid of losing the good parts he brings to my life....and believe me, I know how very wrong that thought process is...

 

I do give my all to my kids, I'm the play date mom, house always full of other kids, volunteer at their activities...plan outings for kids and friends...

 

My M...ugh...it's just there...he's who he is and I'm not going to change him. But I don't want to destroy our family either...I'm not giving up, I'm not sure what either of us wants...I know I need work there.

 

I "fell in love" with someone else and there's no magic switch to turn that off...I wish there was...

Thanks for your input...

Ohmy

 

I would not suggest staying in a marriage for the kids.

 

However, if you are in an A there is no way that doesn't take away from your marriage/family. No matter how much you justify it to yourself. No one can concentrate on two worlds.

 

In most cases if in an affair the marriage/spouse has to be blamed to justify the affair. The potential here is the destruction of two families. His and yours.

 

Maybe sit down and read His Needs, Her Needs and give your husband an ultimatum. Trying to ease your way out of an affair will not work. It's an addiction and as long as you're getting a high from it it will linger on. I think you are trying to take the easy way out. There is no magic cure in these situations.

 

Read your thread and pretend it's a friend. What advise would you give her?????

 

If your marriage is that bad perhaps you and your husband could have a better life with someone else. Instead of wasting it.

[still_an_Angel]

My MM does not future fake. The most we talk about it maybe taking a vacation together.

 

 

I have thought about ending our A, mostly because there is no happy ending in sight, but here I am 3 years later.

 

 

 

On the same boat with Babs. My A has been going on for years and we haven't moved on in terms of our individual statuses. This is all that its ever going to be yet I'm still in.

 

 

Please think very hard about this OhMy, where do you really want your A to end up? How long can you keep up with a relationship that is giving you so much grief? For LTA OWs like me, I wish things are different and easier, but its not, I'm so deep in my A that I don't know where or how to end this, I may come across as someone quite comfortable in my situation based on my previous posts (that I'm not ready and available for a full on relationship thus quite happy with my status quo), but I do fluctuate between tearing my hair off at times then chugging along fine. Yet I'm still in (sigh)

 

 

Years ago, my MM said that it will be me who will end this, not him.

I still haven't found the strength to walk away.

Think about what you want to do with yours.

[Ohmyohmy]

So in an effort to be above board and not passive aggressive with AP...we had a long talk last night. Lemondrop you were right, my change in routine threw up red flags...oh my...

I knew this weekend would be torture because we're both snowed in with very limited ability to communicate with each other...I know it's screwed up but we try and respect each other's space when we are with our families, like on the weekend, holidays...but we usually carve out time to talk every day or run an errand together at least. So it'll be a very LC weekend. Which is ok, gives us both time to think.

He knows this situation is very painful for me and that I'm really struggling with all of this. I felt relieved being honest at least. However, it is VERY VERY clear that he does not want to end this. Very, very clear...a lot of tears...On both ends. Who knows, maybe with a good 48 hours separation he'll get some clarity... at least now when I do try to move on he won't be blindsided.

 

Still_an_angel how long have you been OW? I'll try and read back over your posts. Are you also MW? Thank you for your insight!!

This is not where I ever thought this would go, let alone go on for two years...it's terribly sad for me. Even with the fact that we both care so much about each other and all the positive things he brings to my life.

 

Oh my...back to mommy duty!!

[insidemymind02]

Midnight when you say you ended it and it all blew up, what did you mean? I did a similar thing last night and have all sorts of crazy feelings about it, but deep down I feel like it was more of a relief to him so that he didn't have to be the bad guy. He has been coming back for over 3 years now and I just wonder now that it was finally said, go our separate ways if it will be different.

 

thanks

[Parannonx]

You aren't in love with your MM, you are in love with a fantasy of him.

 

There's an old joke that goes "no matter how beautiful, hot and sexy a woman is, somewhere there is a man who's sick of her ****"

 

Change the pronouns around however you need and it still applies.

 

Your AP is attractive to you because you don't have a real relationship with him. You don't have to put up with his bad habits, or him being grumpy in the morning or stressed out over bills or dealing with kids and report cards or calls from the principal. You don't have to pick up the dirty socks he left lying about nor do you end up dealing with him leaving the toilet seat up.

 

Basically you get all the benefits of a relationship with none of the downsides. However if you were both to leave your current marriages how long do you think that it would be before it reaches the same state as your current marriage?

 

Cheating is about a sense of entitlement. The belief that you deserve what you want and damned be the costs. It's also about lying to yourself, you convince yourself of things that you should know better because you know what you are doing is wrong and something has to give in order to resolve the dissonance between your belief that you are a good person and behaviors that you know are not consistent with that belief.

 

You need to decide what you really want.

 

If you want out of your marriage then get out of it.

 

If you want to stay in your marriage then tell your husband, that may end your marriage anyway but at least you will be living honestly and frankly he deserves to have all the information to make his own choice whether he wants to be with someone who showed him so little respect.

 

If not you are going to get caught, it's only a matter of time. You're dating your neighbor for crying out loud, how long do you think that you keep that under wraps.

 

Regardless the most important thing to do is to start being honest with yourself.

 

Right now you aren't being so.

 

Honestly, consider what kind of person your AP is.

 

I get that you are doing the same thing but you know that you are doing something wrong, so what does it say about him? That he too is willing to cause so much harm to his family. And if he is willing to do that to them why do you think that he will be any different with you?

 

I feel for you, there is no good outcome for your situation, just various levels of awful.

[Ohmyohmy]

I've just had enough for now, my self-esteem is in the toilet. The past week MM has been driving me absolutely nuts with push/pull. Friday night(he had too much to drink) after telling me how jealous he was of me, he proceeded to go into a dissertation of how he gets hit on all the time and how thankful he is that I'm in his life or he would've made so many bad choices...WHAT?? I don't even know how to handle that statement?!?! When is that happening? At work? I felt like he punched me in the stomach... then we spend the weekend fretting over how we will handle being apart(he's traveling for business)and we haven't been apart this long for months...we make plans to see each other before he goes and he bails...twice... I'm tired of this. I haven't answered his emails today. Weirdly I feel better. And he's gone...for a week...out of sight...gotta keep him outta mind. Im starting to ask myself serious questions, this isn't the kind of partner I want for the rest of my life?!? Is this what having him as a spouse is like?!?

He stopped emailing hours ago, I think if he leaves me alone, I might be ok...I don't feel like I'm drowning yet...anyway just had to get that out, back

To mommy duty

Oh my

[lemondrop21]

I've just had enough for now, my self-esteem is in the toilet. The past week MM has been driving me absolutely nuts with push/pull. Friday night(he had too much to drink) after telling me how jealous he was of me, he proceeded to go into a dissertation of how he gets hit on all the time and how thankful he is that I'm in his life or he would've made so many bad choices...WHAT?? I don't even know how to handle that statement?!?! When is that happening? At work? I felt like he punched me in the stomach... then we spend the weekend fretting over how we will handle being apart(he's traveling for business)and we haven't been apart this long for months...we make plans to see each other before he goes and he bails...twice... I'm tired of this. I haven't answered his emails today. Weirdly I feel better. And he's gone...for a week...out of sight...gotta keep him outta mind. Im starting to ask myself serious questions, this isn't the kind of partner I want for the rest of my life?!? Is this what having him as a spouse is like?!?

He stopped emailing hours ago, I think if he leaves me alone, I might be ok...I don't feel like I'm drowning yet...anyway just had to get that out, back

To mommy duty

Oh my

 

Gently, have you considered speaking to a professional? It sounds to me like you've become quite codependent and I think you'd feel a lot better if you were able to shake off some of that. If you are stressed over not seeing him for a mere week, you're not going to be able to handle an actual breakup at this stage. You can get there, but it will take some real work on your part.

 

I am saying this as someone who has made lots of improvement by getting professional help over the years. Wishing you peace and, eventually, the courage to get out of the affair dynamic. I know you can do it.

Edited February 22, 2016 by lemondrop21

[Grey Cloud]

I've just had enough for now, my self-esteem is in the toilet. The past week MM has been driving me absolutely nuts with push/pull. Friday night(he had too much to drink) after telling me how jealous he was of me, he proceeded to go into a dissertation of how he gets hit on all the time and how thankful he is that I'm in his life or he would've made so many bad choices...WHAT?? I don't even know how to handle that statement?!?! When is that happening? At work? I felt like he punched me in the stomach... then we spend the weekend fretting over how we will handle being apart(he's traveling for business)and we haven't been apart this long for months...we make plans to see each other before he goes and he bails...twice... I'm tired of this. I haven't answered his emails today. Weirdly I feel better. And he's gone...for a week...out of sight...gotta keep him outta mind. Im starting to ask myself serious questions, this isn't the kind of partner I want for the rest of my life?!? Is this what having him as a spouse is like?!?

He stopped emailing hours ago, I think if he leaves me alone, I might be ok...I don't feel like I'm drowning yet...anyway just had to get that out, back

To mommy duty

Oh my

 

I think you are starting to answer your own question - that you are realising that you do NOT want him as a partner for the rest of your life. Sadly, he will probably never be a life partner as it sounds like he will not leave his wife. So the question becomes, is it worth it? The constant push/pull? The feeling like you have been punched in the stomach? I remember towards the end of my A I would often feel a horrible tightening in my stomach and my heart would start racing depending on something he did or said. It's not an enjoyable way to live! You say you are not drowning yet. Maybe it's time to try and let go before you do drown. Because slowly sinking is no fun at all. Use this week break to not contact him and try and get some clarity around next steps. You CAN do this!

[Ohmyohmy]

i stopped posting for a while because I can not stop this relationship....and it's really pathetic...within the context of this relationship I am pathetic.

IRL no one would guess, not in a million years that this is a part of my life...never...

There's no possibility of NC, it is a huge issue, he lives across the street. Moving is not an option for so many reasons. So the cycle of codependency and push/pull, combined with mega mega guilt continues...we both have tried to cut things off but neither one of us can even go 24 hours without breaking NC. It's absolute torture.

Last night we both were in attendance at an event our children were part of. He now sits separately from the rest of our group of friends because he doesn't care for one of the families. I like them, they are funny, I'd be sitting by myself if I wasn't with our usual group...it makes him angry that I enjoy being with them...then after the event, I just could not stand there with he and his wife and pretend nothing was going on...for so many reasons..."fight or flight" kicked in and I went to find my kids and headed home ASAP. As soon as I was out the door, I knew I was in big trouble. I knew I hurt him and he would be angry, I knew I would get ignored the rest of the night(we email or talk or see each other every night). It is so sick...but I spent the night and most of today essentially being punished. He would send very short emails saying he is still trying to get over my actions...

I spent the day beating myself up...at work...where I am well respected and valued. Only to cry all the way home because in this sick situation I believe I am bad...it's sick...I know it's sick.

It's emotional abuse

Ugh

I told him I want the weekend off, a timeout, time to just focus on our families and see how we feel...he's blaming me for being dramatic...my head is so screwed up.

Sad thing is that despite all this I believe I love him

With all the same stuff I read on here everyday

When will I wake up?

I stopped IC because no matter what we worked on, I never got strong enough to change...

Anyway, just venting

And yes, I know I'm a bad wife and should be burned at the stake...I got it

There's no where else to vent this

No one IRL knows(in my life no one knows)(he's talked to

Three friends about it)

Ugh

[bewell]

I will follow this thread because I could do with some advice too. Although all the advice in the world is here on this site, but it just never sinks in does it?

 

I need this too! What is it about A, MM/MW that turn us into addicts? I hate it! I never thought I'd be in the position -- EVER.