bewell Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 And Ahh, all the while the perpetual running inner dialogue our minds' theater: I love him; I don't want to love him; but I can't help but love him; but does he love me? why doesn't he love me? I wish I could have him; but I can't have him; oh but I want him; I wish he wanted me; but I don't want this to continue; but I want him to continue; I want the pain to stop; but I don't want him to stop... ... FRIED. MASHED. SCRAMBLED. BRAIN. Too funny and oh so true! You speak for all OWs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bewell Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 I just don't go outside when I know that there's a chance of running into him. I know his work times so in that regard, it's relatively easy. Of course I've seen him when looking through my windows but I've made sure not to run into him. I don't want to see his cold face and I don't want to hear his cold voice treating me as if I'm simply some stranger on the street or one of his acquaintances. It's so hurtful that I prefer to make sure not to run into him. I did the same this past Summer, I even stayed in my backyard most of the time. Now, I don't think I would do that again this Summer because it's just as much MY neighborhood, but I'll have to see how that goes. He shouldn't think that he owns the neighborhood, ugh he makes me so mad sometimes. WOW! I can't imagine being neighbors with my MM. That would make me go mental to a point where I'd pack up and move! My xMM lives 25 miles away from me. He would never come up in my area. He's completely happy in his little bubble so I am not worried about him even trying anything stupid like showing up at my door. I know him well enough to say that with complete confidence. Plus he is so transparent and by the book. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ohmyohmy Posted May 6, 2016 Author Share Posted May 6, 2016 Dear Bewell, Happy Friday : ), I'm insanely annoying to someone who doesn't understand the insanity of a LTA. Be forewarned ; ) it's why I stopped posting for awhile...my main problem is that I care very deeply for him(we were friends for over 10 years before A started)...couple that with the fact that he knows my every move, my schedule, what he needs to say/do to get me to let my guard down. He wants to be a good man, he does, but at the same time he's dangerous because he's selfish and smart and successful...if I could go back and never have let this start, I would. There are others here who fight the same pain and confusion. And guilt.... I never would ever have gone looking for this. I wasn't happy for many years in my marriage...but I thought that the right thing to do was be "happily unhappy" for our kids...then this A happened and working on year three I'm so lost and confused...there's NO easy way out...every option stinks... Big hugs to you!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bewell Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 Dear Bewell, Happy Friday : ), I'm insanely annoying to someone who doesn't understand the insanity of a LTA. Be forewarned ; ) it's why I stopped posting for awhile...my main problem is that I care very deeply for him(we were friends for over 10 years before A started)...couple that with the fact that he knows my every move, my schedule, what he needs to say/do to get me to let my guard down. He wants to be a good man, he does, but at the same time he's dangerous because he's selfish and smart and successful...if I could go back and never have let this start, I would. There are others here who fight the same pain and confusion. And guilt.... I never would ever have gone looking for this. I wasn't happy for many years in my marriage...but I thought that the right thing to do was be "happily unhappy" for our kids...then this A happened and working on year three I'm so lost and confused...there's NO easy way out...every option stinks... Big hugs to you!! I completely empathize with you on so many levels. It's insane. It's hard to stop. You wan't to stop but you're like "F!@#$ I can't...FAIL!". However I think this time around it's a done deal between MM. He's back home with W after living separately for over a year and previously 6 months back in 2014. I pray he doesn't contact me EVER again as that will put me on an emotional tailspin. You have a community of support here. I'm glad I found this website as it's helping me through the process of grieving. I've spent the past two days reading stories after stories to a point when I looked out my window it's dark, lol! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ohmyohmy Posted May 6, 2016 Author Share Posted May 6, 2016 I came to my senses and walked away from my MM. I believe that he loved me in a selfish, compartmentalized way and my love for him was real. I think a part of me will always love him. BUT, I couldn't put my future on hold and stay on the sidelines indefinitely. I could no longer ignore the daily reality checks of our dynamic stabbing my heart and soul like darts on a dart board. It was demoralizing and I became a version of myself that I didn't even recognize. Yet I gave, gave and gave and struggled to the point of being exhausted. I felt crazy, obsessed, emotionally volatile, and sad. I can't blame him for anything- I allowed myself to be devalued because I bent my boundaries to the extent that I find to be morally repugnant. I love him but I love myself too. I just needed to get emotionally exhausted to the point of realizing that I loved myself MORE than I loved him and that's why I walked away. I hope I get to this point soon... Link to post Share on other sites
bewell Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 I hope I get to this point soon... LOL, oh you will and just when you are fine and living life... Link to post Share on other sites
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