19 years together, is there hope for us?

[brown_eyed_gal]

Hi, newbie here looking for some guidance. Me and my SO have been together for 19 years, lived together for 18. We are not married not have kids. He and I hit a rough patch a few months ago. He lost his dad in a tragic car accident almost six years ago. He is coming to terms with the loss in the past six months. They were close so he's taking it hard. He asked for some space a few months ago to sort things out. He's the type to not show his feelings and push those close to him away. He's had his feelings bottled up inside for over five years and is just recently allowing himself to accept the loss.

 

About two months ago, I was diagnosed with an auto immune disease that is attacking my thyroid. I've been prescribed medication to help treat the symptoms and have been on a roller coaster ride with my health since then. I've been getting slowly better over the past few weeks. So far, my disease seems manageable through medication. He has been supportive through it all. I've had panic attacks and other things going on, and he is worried and helpful with my health issues.

 

Just last weekend, he told me that he needs space again. He needs to be alone to sort out his feelings and feels lost. He needs time to himself to figure out what he wants and if what he's doing and who he is. I was hurt. We have a small rental property that will be vacant end of Feb. He is helping me move back to that house. He has also offered to help me out financially since I'm not financially stable at the moment. He still cares for me. He just feels that he needs time to himself to figure stuff out.

 

We've been talking and comforting each other. I've never been with anyone else. He and I have been together since I was 18. I am willing to give him the space and time he needs to sort through his thoughts and feelings. He wants me to be happy. But to me, even though we are not technically married, this is one of those 'for better or worse' situations. We did talk about separating to work on our individual issues and then work on reconciling. I have no intentions of cutting him out of my life and moving on. I am hurt but he is too. I wish I could help him through this, but he needs to do it on his own.

 

I'm not trying to cling to false hope or beg him to reconsider. I am taking things a day at a time. Packing and sorting a little everyday. I'm doing some of list from the 180. We are still in the same house so it is hard to not talk but only if he initiates the conversation. We sleep separately. I deleted him from my Facebook too. I'm not sleeping very much or eating but this is still very new. And due to my medication, exercise other than light yoga is near impossible. I am making some plans to meet up with my family and staying busy during the day. Nights are hard. Not being intimate or affectionate other than hugging is hard too.

 

I've read a lot of posts over the past couple days advising on NC and cut ties, move on. I think I need a little perspective on my situation. We still care for each other. I think we both need some time apart to work on getting ourselves better and happy before reconciling is even an option. There is no affairs or anyone else in the picture. I did tell him when he suggested the possibility of reconciling, that it would not be me who reaches out but it had to come from him. And he better make gosh darn sure that is what he wants. No wishy washy feelings.

 

I've never lived alone in my 37 years so I'm scared about that. I do have family that is supportive. I'm going to concentrate on my health and financial situation while he and I are apart.

 

I guess what I'm wondering is if it is possible for two people take time apart and then get back together? I still plan on having him in my life but I don't think I can be friends with him. I can't be okay with him finding someone else. I told him that. I'm going through this thinking after we part, we'll still talk from time to time, and eventually see each other but maybe I'm just being too hopeful. We don't fight there isn't any hatred. I was angry with him at first and still hurt, but at the end of the day I know this is what he needs to do. I just hope we can get through it.

 

Am I being ridiculous?

[BuddyX]

So his father died 6 years ago or 6 months ago?

Guys who are looking for space usually have something on the side.

Not sure why you stuck around for so long without a ring and commitment.

Even if he comes back he'll do it again. Remember, he has no incentive to stick around.

I say, don't waste your pretty. Do 180 and no contact.

[brown_eyed_gal]

Almost six years his dad died. He's been coping with it the past six months. There is no one else. He is shutting himself off from me, his family, and friends to take time to figure out who he is. I believe a midlife crisis, he's 44. He doesn't want to see a counselor. He wants to live alone and clear his head. Honestly I'm worried about him cutting himself off from family and not enjoying things he used to. I am doing the 180 but NC is not entirely possible because 1. I cannot fully support myself financially at this time nor can I depend on support from my family. 2. I'm having health issues that he's concerned about 3. After entwining our lives for 19 years, how I can cut off contact that easily? No we don't have kids, but we do have pets together, we do have mutual friends, I have close relationships with his family. and 4. Even though I'm hurt about him pushing me away, I still care for him deeply. I can't just turn that off.

 

We were in a committed relationship. It was never a priority of mine to be married. Just about every married couple I know has divorced. We did not want kids so being married was never important to me.

Edited January 20, 2016 by brown_eyed_gal

[BuddyX]

Married or Divorce is a line in the sand. You have no leverage by simply living with him. He doesn't owe you anything (support).

I understand it's difficult for you, but you must stay strong and build your life around you-and for you.

Two decades of relying on him has led you to dependence. Start with today. A new "you". An independent woman. One step at a time

[Tayla]

Can you help clarify where the concern is? He hasn't abused you or in anyway been less then honest. Matter of fact , he is asking for some time to heal, in his own way. I could see if he was depressed and cranky, yet I am not gathering a sense of that from your post.

If anything when he pulls away, you wish to be nearer....

Is that what is happening?

[S2B]

I'm old - and I've never seen where "space" makes two people feel closer.

 

It's not smart to rely on him for anything when he's not obligated by law to do so - so I suggest looking into new ways to secure your future.

 

Can you work from home? Why doesn't he move since he's the one that wants his "space" - he is healthier - he can move easier than you.

 

IF this is what he wants then HE should be making the effort, not you.

 

 

He won't go to counseling? That's not the smartest decision for a person who needs help getting past 6 years of grief. Obviously thinking about it on his own hasn't worked.

 

Find ways to become independent of him. Relying on anyone else for YOURSELF happiness isn't wise.

 

I know it's hard - hugs.

[brown_eyed_gal]

Can you help clarify where the concern is? He hasn't abused you or in anyway been less then honest. Matter of fact , he is asking for some time to heal, in his own way. I could see if he was depressed and cranky, yet I am not gathering a sense of that from your post.

If anything when he pulls away, you wish to be nearer....

Is that what is happening?

 

I'm concerned about him. I hate that I can't help him through this. I feel like he does need space to heal and I get that. But I'm thinking at some point down the road he'll want to get back together. Like this is a bump in the road of long journey together. But I'm wondering, am I kidding myself here?

[brown_eyed_gal]

I'm old - and I've never seen where "space" makes two people feel closer.

 

It's not smart to rely on him for anything when he's not obligated by law to do so - so I suggest looking into new ways to secure your future.

 

Can you work from home? Why doesn't he move since he's the one that wants his "space" - he is healthier - he can move easier than you.

 

IF this is what he wants then HE should be making the effort, not you.

 

 

He won't go to counseling? That's not the smartest decision for a person who needs help getting past 6 years of grief. Obviously thinking about it on his own hasn't worked.

 

Find ways to become independent of him. Relying on anyone else for YOURSELF happiness isn't wise.

 

I know it's hard - hugs.

 

Thank you, it is hard. No he isn't legally obligated to support me. I do have a job and a small business I run from home so I don't need total support. I am moving because the house we live in together is in his name alone. And there is no way I could afford it on my own. The house I will be moving to is in both of our names. I would need some help with covering part of the mortgage. I also need to build up some savings. I have quite a bit to sort through for myself. His help would rely on getting me set up initially, some furniture, that sort of thing, if something needs to be fixed with the house, and covering part of the mortgage until I get on my feet. I hope to get my stuff in order within the year.

[Mr. Lucky]

Me and my SO have been together for 19 years, lived together for 18. We are not married not have kids.

 

Why, during 18 years together, no movement towards marriage?

 

Just last weekend, he told me that he needs space again. He needs to be alone to sort out his feelings and feels lost. He needs time to himself to figure out what he wants and if what he's doing and who he is. I was hurt. We have a small rental property that will be vacant end of Feb. He is helping me move back to that house. He has also offered to help me out financially since I'm not financially stable at the moment. He still cares for me. He just feels that he needs time to himself to figure stuff out.

 

Have you discussed the conditions of your separation? It's not unusual for "space" to include the ability to see other people...

 

Mr. Lucky

[brown_eyed_gal]

Marriage has never been a priority for me. I don't want children so for me marriage has been a moot point. I honestly didn't want to ever get divorced and I know very few couples who never divorced. My parents and his divorced.

 

As far as the separation, we are going to part with intentions of working on ourselves. We are going to take it a day at a time. No rule book, but have agreed to keep the lines of communication open. If either of us decides to move on or date or leave the state or whatever, it'll be discussed. I'm hoping time apart will make us better individually and therefore strengthen our relationship if and when the time may come. Maybe I'm being to idealistic, but there are feelings still there, no addictions, no ill will, or anything overly negative. I am fearful of him eventually moving on without me. I'm hurting now, but the hurt is subsiding some as I go day to day. I'm sure once I move out, it'll return. And then I'll take it day to day again. I just really hope that we can work it out eventually.

[ShatteredLady]

I don't really believe in the whole "space" thing in relationships. You should pull together to work through things. Would he consider staying with you for support while he sees a therapist & you read some books together?

 

If you're completely certain that there isn't another woman I'd be very worried about him. Is he very depressed? Taking this long to come to terms with the loss of his father is unusual.

 

My Dad was finally diagnosed with a type of grief PTSD long after my brothers death. He was hiding some very concerning symptoms. Pulling away from all of his loved ones is concerning.

 

I'd speak to a specialist. Do you think that your severe health issues are triggering him? The human brain can be a very complicated thing.

 

Last year I nearly died & needed emergency surgery with a long, worrying, recovery. My H ended-up having an emotional affair with an old flame. He actually blamed my health. It's like he was punishing me for the added stress (he also lost his job) that I was inflicting!!

 

I hope there isn't more than meets the eye going on here. Midlife crisis?

[BuddyX]

Saying I did not want to get married because I was concerned about a divorce is like Not going to College due to fear of flunking.

With marriage you would've had a commitment and with divorce you could've had support.

There's more to your than meets the eye. 6 years is a lot to grieve. Plus, saying midlife crisis is s cop out. What does that really mean?

As previous post stated, this reaks of an affair.

[brown_eyed_gal]

Saying I did not want to get married because I was concerned about a divorce is like Not going to College due to fear of flunking.

With marriage you would've had a commitment and with divorce you could've had support.

There's more to your than meets the eye. 6 years is a lot to grieve. Plus, saying midlife crisis is s cop out. What does that really mean?

As previous post stated, this reaks of an affair.

 

I'm not sure how else to say it but there is no one else! I know this because when he first came time a few months ago about separating I suspected another woman. I have access to his email, Facebook, and his phone is unlocked. We share a phone plan so I have access to numbers he calls and texts. There was no communication with another woman other than family and his business contacts. I felt bad for snooping but I was angry and thought there was someone else. His accounts are open and he doesn't hide anything from me. He leaves his phone out all the time. I just recently deleted him from my Facebook so I would not be obsessing about whether there is another woman or not. And if there is by chance someone now within the past five days, I can't do anything about it. He has never lied to me or given me any reason to suspect until three months ago. And even then he didn't have anything to hide.

 

My reasons for not wanting to marry are not the issue or on trial. I've never been the type of girl who dreamed about her wedding day and raising a family. The fact that most people I know end up divorced only reinforced my decision as what is the point? My SO and I were together for 19 years. I did not meet him at 18 with intentions of thinking he and I would be together as long as we were/are. It never crossed my mind to marry him or anyone. No one in my immediate family (other than my parents to other people) are married. No one in the SO's immediate family are married.

 

As far as support, the house I'm moving to is in both our names. I need some help yes, but I do work and I do run a small business. He is concerned about me being able to afford maintaining the house on my own. But we won't know all the details until I actually move out.

 

The midlife crisis is my words, not his.

[brown_eyed_gal]

I don't really believe in the whole "space" thing in relationships. You should pull together to work through things. Would he consider staying with you for support while he sees a therapist & you read some books together?

 

If you're completely certain that there isn't another woman I'd be very worried about him. Is he very depressed? Taking this long to come to terms with the loss of his father is unusual.

 

My Dad was finally diagnosed with a type of grief PTSD long after my brothers death. He was hiding some very concerning symptoms. Pulling away from all of his loved ones is concerning.

 

I'd speak to a specialist. Do you think that your severe health issues are triggering him? The human brain can be a very complicated thing.

 

Last year I nearly died & needed emergency surgery with a long, worrying, recovery. My H ended-up having an emotional affair with an old flame. He actually blamed my health. It's like he was punishing me for the added stress (he also lost his job) that I was inflicting!!

 

I hope there isn't more than meets the eye going on here. Midlife crisis?

 

 

No, he is adamant on wanting time to himself. Us separating isn't about us rebuilding our relationship. It's about him taking time to get his head straight. It does bother me he is refusing professional help. It does bother me he is pushing me away. I admit I have stuff to work through too. Maybe he needs space to get some perspective on who he is and what we have. He has been dealing with issues long before I got sick. I'm not sure if he is depressed. He could be. I wish I could help him. But it's his choice and his decision. I just really hope that after a few months, he opens up and realizes what we have is too important to walk away from.

[S2B]

Thank you, it is hard. No he isn't legally obligated to support me. I do have a job and a small business I run from home so I don't need total support. I am moving because the house we live in together is in his name alone. And there is no way I could afford it on my own. The house I will be moving to is in both of our names. I would need some help with covering part of the mortgage. I also need to build up some savings. I have quite a bit to sort through for myself. His help would rely on getting me set up initially, some furniture, that sort of thing, if something needs to be fixed with the house, and covering part of the mortgage until I get on my feet. I hope to get my stuff in order within the year.

 

Instead what if you took on a room mate to help cover expenses. Get furniture from second hand stores.

 

Cover your costs by having a mate help with half the mortgage and utilities. Try having a mindset of not relying on him... Since he seems to be creating distance - you need to set yourself up to be capable of doing this on your own.

 

It could be fun for you! You can learn and grow as an adult woman! If embrace that full court press!!!

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so sorry.

 

So was he (few months ago) & is he now saying that he wants to split-up? He wants your relationship to end so he can 'work on himself'?

 

I'm not exactly sure if you guys are talking about just being alone for a short while so he can sort his head out or if he's saying that he's unhappy in your relationship & wants it to end.

 

Did this come suddenly a few months ago or do you get the feeling that he's been unhappy for quite a long time? It's incredibly hard when you're happy & inlove & your partner is saying that they're not.

 

Is he generally dissatisfied with his life? Work, achievements, life & relationship? Is that why you think midlife crisis? Has he always been sure that he doesn't want children?

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry. I wrote that before your last posts.

[brown_eyed_gal]

I'm so sorry.

 

So was he (few months ago) & is he now saying that he wants to split-up? He wants your relationship to end so he can 'work on himself'?

 

I'm not exactly sure if you guys are talking about just being alone for a short while so he can sort his head out or if he's saying that he's unhappy in your relationship & wants it to end.

 

Did this come suddenly a few months ago or do you get the feeling that he's been unhappy for quite a long time? It's incredibly hard when you're happy & inlove & your partner is saying that they're not.

 

Is he generally dissatisfied with his life? Work, achievements, life & relationship? Is that why you think midlife crisis? Has he always been sure that he doesn't want children?

 

Generally dissatisfied with his life? Yes. He has been questioning his business, his career path, our relationship, his past enjoyments, everything. It's hard to say how long he has felt this way. He has been masking his feelings probably for awhile.

 

He wants us to part, but didn't actually use the term split up, probably doesn't make much difference. He just wants time and space to himself. Which is why I believe one of two things will happen. 1. He will use the time to being used to being on his own and throw himself into his landscaping/snow plowing business. He'll use whatever heartache or anger he feels to drive him harder until someday he meets someone else. Or 2. After some time apart, he'll realize he misses me, and will want to reconcile. I'm upset that it's come to this for us, and neither party is at fault really. I can't hate him like I could if he cheated or fell in love with someone else. I'm not even angry with him. Hurt, most definitely. I wish I could hate him. A big see ya, mister! And off I go. I can't even begin to imagine moving on and dating. That won't happen for me got a long, long time. I haven't dated in over 20 years! When I was a teenager, lol.

 

And to be honest, it's not even a cut and dry break up. It's not black and white at all! I thought he brought up the potential of reconciliation for my sake, to help alleviate some heartache for me. I was under the impression he was done with us. I told him that yesterday. He teared up and told me that he is hurting and his head is a mess. (Why I believe he is going through a midlife crisis - and why I believe he needs professional help). He has a lot to sort through on his own. He doesn't think it's fair to me to wait until he figures things out and he wants nothing more for me to be happy. More reasons not to hate him. We are talking and joking but we aren't being intimate for obvious reasons or sleeping in the same bed.

[brown_eyed_gal]

Instead what if you took on a room mate to help cover expenses. Get furniture from second hand stores.

 

Cover your costs by having a mate help with half the mortgage and utilities. Try having a mindset of not relying on him... Since he seems to be creating distance - you need to set yourself up to be capable of doing this on your own.

 

It could be fun for you! You can learn and grow as an adult woman! If embrace that full court press!!!

 

 

Thank you, but no roommates for me unless I'm desperate. Him helping me intially will basically be him helping me move out. The house is small and I'll be using quite a bit of extra space for inventory for my online resale business. Plus I have a big, stinky, slobbery English mastiff and what roommate would want that around? Lol We have some furniture pieces I'm going to take, but I'll still need a bed and I would like a TV too to spend long hours at night getting lost in chick flicks and Netflix. I do have my income tax refund that'll help some with me getting out intially. Haven't filed my taxes yet, but that'll be the next couple weeks. And to be honest, I don't want to rely on him for support. But I do need a little help. Hopefully that'll be very temporary. I'm determined to stand on my own. But I have to take it one step at a time.