How quickly do guys know if they're interested in a girl, and can it change?

[notoriginal]

Just wondering, or is this personal? Can men grow to love women or is that unusual?

Thanks in advance for your reply

[central]

I can know instantly if I'm interested based on physical attraction and perceive personality, and of course that can change just as quickly if her actual personality or attitudes aren't compatible.

 

 

In some cases I suppose I could grow to love someone as long as I'm attracted to them, as I learn more about their personality. That could happen if initially I have a negative perception of personality/attitude that improves over time.

[carhill]

Personally I found it (grow to love) to be a poorly understood love style and, generally, women responded either with what is now called the friend-zone or, since immediate attraction wasn't exhibited, behaviors of rejection, meaning they think they're being rejected if the attraction isn't immediate and substantial. Fortunately, I got a 'talkin' to' by a few and got clued in. Mismatched attraction styles.

 

I in no way blame women for this. They feel how they feel and that's valid. I modified behaviors to mimic more traditional male responses and that seemed to help, enough to get some LTR's and a marriage. It did seem a bit 'fake' in the early stages but that was my problem to resolve.

 

Personally, I've never had interactions with women who I 'grew on' over time, meaning attraction developed out of interaction. Yeah, I've seen some gushing MW's who develop emotional crushes over time but that stuff isn't a valid comparison to a regular healthy relationship developing between two available people.

 

I would opine what you're suggesting is definitely personal and probably pretty uncommon, partly because it's not a typical psychological response and because people are socialized or, as in my case, beaten out of it through rote rejection. Can it happen? Sure! The more people we interact with, the more variety of personalities we're exposed to and can mesh with. I would see the style as more of a dating pool limiter than anything else.

[basil67]

Just wondering, or is this personal? Can men grow to love women or is that unusual?

Thanks in advance for your reply

 

I've known a people who started as friends who ended up as partners, but I would guess that it's the exception rather than the rule.

 

I should add that in all these cases, the affection grew slowly between them - it wasn't a case of the woman being in love with the guy and the guy not feeling the same way.

[Buddhist]

Just wondering, or is this personal? Can men grow to love women or is that unusual?

Thanks in advance for your reply

 

I tend to restrict my dating pool to just those guys who give me deer in the headlights stares on first contact. I don't think there is much point in pursuing a guy who's ambivalent about you from the get go. I like to know there is some solid [attraction] foundation before I'm putting it out there. That does mean I don't pursue some men I find attractive, but I'd rather not be chasing a guy who's unlikely to ever be invested in me. I think it's heartbreaking and a waste of time.

 

For me personally, it's not as if I've had friends or acquaintances and suddenly one day feel differently about them. Sexual chemistry doesn't grow on me like it does for some. Intimacy grows over time but I want to know the sexual chemistry is there too.

[road]

Just wondering, or is this personal? Can men grow to love women or is that unusual?

Thanks in advance for your reply

 

 

Grow on us unusual.

 

 

We are fast

We see

We want

End of story

[Erik30]

If I'm not (physically) attracted to a girl at all, that won't ever change.

Only if I think she's kind off cute but there's something about her I have some doubts about, my feelings could change once I get to know her better.

[SwordofFlame]

From a physical attractiveness and personality standpoint, these things can be ascertained on a first date and doesn't grow. Those are two pretty big things I need to have in a relationship.

[carhill]

Ha, ha, just remembered the lady I married and our first meeting. She was a half hour late and looked like a drowned rat (raining like crazy). To say I wasn't immediately overwhelmed would be an understatement. However, I considered the distance she had driven (quite a bit) and the weather and the fact that once interacting we got on well so shelved any immediate decisions based on superficial attraction. I even remember my first comment - 'You're late. I ordered margaritas' Heh...

 

Thinking back to the tens of thousands of women I've met in life, there were maybe two or three I met who I immediately wanted to have carnal knowledge of. Exceedingly rare. That makes sense because carnal knowledge flows for myself from intimacy and bonding, not appearances or smelling some pheromones. That was what had to change.

 

OP, presuming you're female, in general, if a man is the type who sees, covets and pursues, immediately, it's highly unlikely he'll change or you'll 'grow on him'. If you're not his cuppa, he's on to the next flower and the image of you is lost to him.

[Zippy2000]

Just wondering, or is this personal? Can men grow to love women or is that unusual?

Thanks in advance for your reply

 

This has been asked countless times over the centuries but what you`ll find is that men are more visual. They are attracted to beauty and this can be very subjective. Everyone has their own personal taste in what attraction is.

 

To answer your question. Men usually know within the first few second if they find you attractive or not.

 

Can it change? YES and NO but the majority of the time its NO. For most men. We have to find someone attractive before we would consider dating or having sex with them.

 

Its like the "kissing test". When you are out and about. Look who you find is attractive and would you/could you be able to kiss them?

 

If not then you dont find them attractive. Most men dont change their idea of attraction to you.

 

That said there are ODD occasions where ones opinion can change BUT this took time and for me it was over 8 or so years.

 

An example of this was a girl I used to find unattractive in my office. She used to have "deputy dog" eyes. I lost contact with her as she moved to another part of the building.

 

Fast forward 8 years and I bumped into her. She lost some weight. Dressed better in more feminine clothes and some nice heels, and I though WOW!

 

How did that happen? It took time, and lots of personal or other experienences to change my perception of what beauty is.

[sandy123]

Grow on us unusual.

 

 

We are fast

We see.

We want

End of story

 

road

 

What do you mean by "want"? Only sexual? Or sexual plus relationship?

[road]

road

 

What do you mean by "want"? Only sexual? Or sexual plus relationship?

 

 

A man (me) wants both.

 

 

[]

 

 

Though being old and married I still size up women the same way.

 

 

I see, I like, I'm married so the appreciation ends there.

Edited January 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smudge21]

The strongest feelings I've had for past girls have come from building up the attraction towards them over time, by getting to know them. These have been attractive girls, but for whatever reason, I've not felt that instant attraction (either because of other issues or just not really looking at the time). I believe that most people, men and women, do go for instant attraction though. I guess there's no real fixed rule, you just go with how you feel at the time.

[Gloria25]

I can know instantly if I'm interested based on physical attraction and perceive personality, and of course that can change just as quickly if her actual personality or attitudes aren't compatible.

 

 

In some cases I suppose I could grow to love someone as long as I'm attracted to them, as I learn more about their personality. That could happen if initially I have a negative perception of personality/attitude that improves over time.

 

Perfect ^^...

 

Mind you, this is not a gender specific issue and can swing either way (falling in and/or out of love).

 

Attraction (often physical) is what gets your foot in the door. Over time and if someone really, really, gets to know you - that's where love can grow. But, I see a lot of people getting by on attraction and then the other person "thinks" they're in love because they won't take the time to get to know that person; they're experiencing the initial "honeymoon period" where they really aren't in love, but "feel" they are when it's just hornies, emotions, etc; and, they make rash decisions (marriage, kids, shacking up) about the person with that false sense of "love" they thought they had - only to discover that they really didn't know the person and now that they're getting to know that person they are falling "out of love".

 

I went on a date with a guy one time, the attraction was there - but as soon as he opened his mouth and started talking, forget it. My 6 year guy. I wasn't all ga-ga over him, but with time I really got to like him and the attraction grew. But, then when I decided to join the Army and we met up after I joined I took one look at him and no longer felt the same for him. It wasn't an issue of physical attraction (and the sex was still great) - it was that as a person, I was growing and stuff and he wasn't and I just took a look at him one day and decided that I didn't want someone like him in my life anymore. So, from that point on - no matter how great the sex was, no matter how much I was attracted to him, we were different people and that killed the attraction/great sex.

[2.50 a gallon]

In some ways I am a loner. Meaning I can easily entertain myself. I liked working on cars, building models, fishing, back packing, riding a motorcycle very fast, I played a lot of sports, slow pitch, weekend football and basketball. In all of those activities a woman would slow me down so I did not need a woman in my life. But I am fortunate in that finding women was easy for me. I did a lot of dating. They had to be sexually exciting, or I had zero interest.

Over my life time I have fallen in love three times.

Age 27: Love at first sight, before I even knew her name.

Age 35: Married her after she pursued me for two and a half years. I did not fall in love with her until I saw her walking down the aisle on our wedding day.

Age 49: Second date, first kiss, I had known her for over two years, and found her sexually exciting, but she was in love with and living with another man. We have now been together for 20 years.

Age 42 - 49: I was in an on / off relationship with a gal 12 years younger than me. Very good looking, worked out had buns of steel, was extremely rich. We had lots in common, we were great friends, she was in love with me and wanted to marry and have a family. She said I was the only man she would ever marry. I loved her, I tried and tried, but for some reason could never get to the point that I fell in love with her.

I never came close to reaching a point where I was willing to give up my single life to live with her.

Edited January 21, 2016 by 2.50 a gallon

[somebrokendude]

I agree with most that we're visual creatures. I've been with some ridiculously beautiful women whom I thought I was very interested in. I spent the last year single chasing and bedding all kinds of gorgeous women. It wasn't until the next few days that I found myself uninterested in all of them. My mantra for the last year had been, in the words of Hank Moody, "A morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness." Then I met a girl who floored me recently. She is not the type of girl I had been after all of last year. This sounds extremely douchey of me but she's not the type that dudes drool over. But I find her so much more attractive than any girl I've ever been with in my life. I thought being with supermodels was the only way I was going to be happy. Simply not the case. This new girl has my complete and undivided interest because of who she is, not what she looks like. Don't get me wrong, she's a beautiful girl, but the connection is so profound that her looks come secondary.

 

So, to answer your question: yes, men can grow to love women, and it isn't always based on physical attraction. Sure that part has to be there but it really isn't everything. Don't believe the ones who say physical attraction should be most important. We all know how to reproduce. Substance and happiness are far more rewarding than a good lay.

[preraph]

There must be some level of attraction, but if someone who finds you physically just "okay looking" ends up getting to know you because you work with them or go to school with them or share an interest, certainly if you get along with them really well, that can overcome them being not all that physically attracted to you. The trouble is they aren't going to let that happen unless you just get thrown together a lot because they're not motivated.

[notoriginal]

Thanks for the replies. They make me prefer being single or being in a relationship with a woman, however, the replies saying men don't always just go for looks give me hope.

I'm not attracted to guys who only care about looks and put connection/personality on a second place, it's not likely that they will grow on me. Which is bad for me but oh well.