penebrew Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 So, regardless of what precipitated it, I have been wanting to leave my husband. Over the last year (at least), I have confronted him several times stating that I wanted to break up, don't want to be with him any longer, I want either he or myself to move out. (We do not own a house, but rent an apartment, no kids). I never had any concrete plan in mind when I brought it up to him. I felt guilt tripped and sad and sorry and manipulated to stop trying to break up because it was too hard on him. At this point I am at my wits end, but I feel like I can't talk to him about it or a lot of crying and drama ensues. I have been considering just moving all of my stuff out on my day off, while he is at work, and then leaving a note. However... This makes me feel guilty, and a bit of a coward. What do you guys think? A wife is 100% done with the relationship. It isn't good for either of us to remain in it... Is it bad to just want to skip out? I feel too sensitive to all the emotion and drama if I confront him (yet again), and feel like I might lose my resolve again if we try to have a conversation about it, which I have never been good at. So I am seriously considering this plan of moving out when he is not home. Thanks for any input you may have. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 At this point I am at my wits end, but I feel like I can't talk to him about it or a lot of crying and drama ensues. I have been considering just moving all of my stuff out on my day off, while he is at work, and then leaving a note. However... This makes me feel guilty, and a bit of a coward. You don't give details so I'll accept the premise that your marriage is toast and you're done. You also don't indicate how long you've been together but yes, it is cowardly and unseemly to sneak out on your spouse. Either you believe in what you're doing or you don't. If the conviction is there and you're doing the right thing, hold your head up and leave with the sun at your back. If the price of escaping a bad relationship is a couple hours of "crying and drama", probably worth it... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Also not sure if you'd be worried about your safey or your husbands state of mind, might be helpful to have one or more friends there to help you... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) Tell him the relationship is over, you want a divorce, and your mind is made up. Don't discuss that. Just tell him and say it's not up for discussion. But do discuss the financials in a practical way. Since you're married it would be sensible to speak to a lawyer first, to get an idea of what to expect in a divorce settlement, and what you should be doing in the meantime. Take a brief summary of all financial details with you. Many lawyers do a free initial consultation so it costs you nothing, and you can get a whole lot of very useful information for free. Don't be afraid to speak to 2 or 3 to get a variety of opinions. After seeking legal advice you will know what you should or shouldn't agree to when you discuss with your husband. For example: who will pay the rent and bills remaining on the lease? Since it's presumably a joint lease, you are jointly liable for it. Can you afford to pay half the rent on the old place plus full rent in your new place, or do you expect him to cover all of the rent in your old place? Can he afford that on his own? If not, how much notice do you need to give to move out, and how long would it take to find somewhere else for him to live? Do you expect him to support you financially during separation or after you've divorced, or vice versa? What will happen to the furniture and other large or high value apartment contents if you leave? What will happen to your bank accounts, savings, credit cards, loans or other debts? How can you protect yourself financially in the event he decimates marital assets or runs up large debts? These are all questions which you should ask a lawyer, before making any kind of agreement with your husband. Edited January 21, 2016 by PegNosePete 1 Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 PegNosePete did a good job of explaining why you need to talk to a lawyer first. One way of doing it that might appeal to you is: 1. Talk to a lawyer, get them the information they need 2. Have the lawyer file for divorce for you 3. Tell your husband you have filed for divorce and that tomorrow you will be picking up your stuff while he's at work If you did it that way, he hears it from you instead of just coming home to find all your stuff gone. But, you're only telling him after it's already filed, which should make it clear this is no longer a joint decision to which he has input. There is still the problem PegNosePete pointed out, that the lease where you currently are is probably a joint liability. But, a lawyer might be able to figure out how much of a problem that could be and how it could be addressed. I'm not an lawyer, this isn't legal advice. It's just opinion or whatever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 About rights and wrongs and guilt: Everybody has the right to end a relationship with another adult at any time. You are not doing anything wrong. Remember that. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 So, regardless of what precipitated it, I have been wanting to leave my husband. Over the last year (at least), I have confronted him several times stating that I wanted to break up, don't want to be with him any longer, I want either he or myself to move out. (We do not own a house, but rent an apartment, no kids). I never had any concrete plan in mind when I brought it up to him. I felt guilt tripped and sad and sorry and manipulated to stop trying to break up because it was too hard on him. For whatever reason, you no longer want to be with him. It's over. It's not cowardly to move out since you have confronted him several times. Past attempts have failed because of the emotional drama. You already know the end result of another attempt, so why do that? It'll continue to be a perpetual cycle until you do something that changes that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 You are trying to get him to break up with you and then do all the work himself. That's not working. That means you have to take responsibility for your own self and make it happen. You do not need his consent or his help to split up. If you want out bad enough, you'll roll up your sleeves and do it. Get a lawyer, work out the legalities and the paperwork and get a divorce plan in place. Inform your H that he will be receiving divorce papers shortly and that you will be moving out on _____ day. Then do it. You are trying to get him to do all the heavy lifting of splitting up. He's not buying it which means if you want out, you will have to do the work and put in the effort. If you really want to leave you will. If you don't, you won't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 and if what you are really asking is how to break up with someone and get a divorce and start a new life without anyone getting upset or sad or angry and without doing any hard work that is upsetting and miserable, then I have a really great deal on some swamp land in La La Land that I will sell you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author penebrew Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 Thank you everyone for your feedback. I realize I have a lot to consider. I think I will take the advice of meeting with a lawyer and filing for divorce prior to making any moves. I would literally be happy to just grab my clothes and leave everything else behind. The rental agreement is actually only in my name, since he was unemployed when we moved in to the place. I have to find out what the implications would be if I moved out and gave my notice and he stayed. I am planning to move in with a friend, so I could potentially pay for a couple months of rent to give him time to find a place. The divorce should hopefully be simple as we do not mingle our finances and do not have a lot of debt or anything... Also, I know he won't want to sign divorce papers, but I also don't think he has the wherewithal to contest anything. I think the hardest part for me is the emotional aspect, and I haven't been thinking enough about the legal and financial aspects. Thanks again for everyone's comments. I have been lurking on this forum for a while and everyone is very thoughtful and helpful, and it is greatly appretiated. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 T The rental agreement is actually only in my name, since he was unemployed when we moved in to the place. I have to find out what the implications would be if I moved out and gave my notice and he stayed. I am planning to move in with a friend, so I could potentially pay for a couple months of rent to give him time to find a place. Sounds like you're proposing an agreement between folks no longer married because they couldn't agree. Just be careful. Were he spiteful, he'd bail with no notice leaving you liable for the remainder of the lease. Were he REALLY spiteful, he'd cause substantial damage on the way out the door... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author penebrew Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 (edited) That's the thing though... I'm not quite sure what the best action is. Hopefully the lawyer can give me some guidance. I could always go to the landlord and explain the situation too, but I also wouldn't want to see him kicked out with no where to go. I've even tried offering him money to move out, but he won't have anything to do with that... We'll see I suppose... Edit: Thankfully it is month to month and not a lease. Edited January 22, 2016 by penebrew 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 (edited) I could always go to the landlord and explain the situation too You could do that if you're on good terms with the landlord. But if you have purely a business relationship then your personal situation is irrelevant to him. He will only want to know when the rental income will stop and when he can re-let the apartment. And as Mr. Lucky warns, how much he will need to deduct from your security deposit - either through negligence (H not cleaning up before he leaves) or deliberate damage (H smashing things out of spite before he leaves). I also wouldn't want to see him kicked out with no where to go. You need to stop caring about this. It's not your problem. It's reasonable to give him time to find elsewhere else (say a month), but if he wastes this time being lazy and not looking for somewhere, it's his own fault, not yours. If he can afford the rent on his own then this is another option that you can propose to him and the landlord; but make sure the lease is changed to his name so you're not held liable. I've even tried offering him money to move out Don't offer any more money or anything else until you've spoken to a lawyer. Edited January 22, 2016 by PegNosePete 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 There may also be the possibility of your moving out, putting all HIS stuff in storage with one month's rent paid upfront (from thereon after, it's his problem) and having the Landlord change the locks once you have moved out. Again though, you'd need to discuss this fully with your lawyer... but as you are the lease-holder and it's just your name on the deeds, I don't think your H would have a lot of say in the matter. Providing you let him know what will happen, it may be the catalyst he needs to up stumps and motivate some action. Or give him notice to clear off before YOU move out, put his stuff in storage (above conditions apply), and remain as tenant for as long as you need to. If he has no legal tenure insofar as the rental agreement is concerned, it's possible, with divorce action in progress, that you have the right to seek his departure. I'm not a lawyer either. Just a thought to add to the mix. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 He's not suicidal isn't he? Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 The rental agreement is actually only in my name, since he was unemployed when we moved in to the place. This may be everything. You just need to talk to a lawyer. If the residence is already in your name... You're in power. Don't think getting your clothes. A lawyer may be able to explain a way for you to quickly and peacefully take control over "your" own residence. It all depends on your state's laws, complicated eviction stuff, the possibility of bluffing this or that. It's not even always about laws, sometimes it's about what works and only an experienced attorney has a feel for that. If it's your name on the residence, immediately stop assuming you're the one moving until you talk to a lawyer. A lawyer may tell you that you're screwing yourself if you hand him control over something that is a liability to you. Even if the residence isn't where you want to end up, if it's entirely in your name, you may need to take control of that financial agreement stay in it and end it yourself. Only an attorney in your state can look at this and advise you properly. Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 I could potentially pay for a couple months of rent to give him time to find a place. A quick review of the lease, and it's terms for giving notice, in addition to running it past a lawyer could potentially reveal that with your name on it, you have the control to make exactly this happen. It depends on the lease terms, divorce laws and eviction laws in your state. Even given those laws, an experienced attorney may advise some strategies that include bluffing and unrealistic but tactical positions. In any case, if it's your name on the thing, stop assuming you're only getting some clothes and you're the one moving. Start assuming you're the one in control. Until you talk to an attorney and figure out how to actually make things happen. Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Edit: Thankfully it is month to month and not a lease. And it's in your name alone. (from previous posts) You have total control. It's something in your name. It's month to month. You have total control and you can be out of it any and every month? You're already out. Be sure it's in your name and month to month. That covers everything except if there is some weird thing about eviction laws between a husband and wife, which can't be ruled out without a lawyer. See a lawyer. File for divorce. Tell your husband you filed for divorce and you're getting your stuff tomorrow. Get your stuff. Terminate the lease. It's all done. ALL DONE Don't pay for a 2nd or 3rd month for him. Use that money to pay for the lawyer. You shouldn't have needed a lawyer in order to stop this level of stupid. Bill him. Pay the lawyer who fixes it first. I'm not an attorney, this isn't legal advice. It's opinion or whatever. . Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Don't offer any more money or anything else until you've spoken to a lawyer. ^^^ This!!! Don't make any promises, commitments or agreements unless they're part of a well-considered legal strategy. I can tell you from experience, right now you don't even know what you don't know... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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