My username sums it up; I'm in shock

[spyedonfor20plus]

I have been married for 25 years. Great, right? Well I thought so.

 

However, just one week ago my entire view/feelings of my husband changed in an instant. While looking for old videos of our children I found dvds and other video format cassettes containing, (I find this hard to put into words), over 20 YEARS of hidden video clips of me; in the shower, after the shower while naked, us making love, even, god help me, me using the bathroom.

 

I am ill. In shock. He obviously has a serious problem. I have no idea what I DIDN't find.

 

I tried to wait a day to get myself calmed down but couldn't. When I confronted him with what I found, he (instead of falling to his knees in dispair asking forgiveness) he immediately got defensive, saying they were for his use only (who knows?) he did it because we didn't have sex enough (OMG seriously; even if that were true it's no excuse)

 

Whatever; I am beyond hurt. No words really; my trust and everything are shattered. I am seeing a therapist to just try and wrap my mind around this. It is ILLEGAL for god's sake. What if our children (now 19 and 24) had ever found these??? The list goes on...

 

Please, anyone, thoughts. I can't imagine hurting my boys with a divorce but I at this time do not see how I can live with this man.

[basil67]

I have no advice. I'm just sitting here astounded - but not nearly as astounded as you are I'm sure.

 

Have you thought of taking this to the police? I'd certainly be considering it if I were you.

[spyedonfor20plus]

Yes, I have thought about reporting this. I took all the tapes and dvds and have them locked in a safe deposit box.

 

I feel sure he has copies on flash drives somewhere though.

 

Right now I am not taking to police for the sake of our boys. The embarrassment and devastation it would cause them.

[sandylee1]

There have been a couple of similar stories on here like this last year. One lady was a teacher and was furious that her husband took photos like this... if they got out she'd loose her job.

 

He said they were for his personal use as well..

Even though she'd made it clear she was not giving permission.

 

Why pictures of you using the bathroom though? Sounds like he's obsessed with you.

 

I would get him into therapy and if he refused I'd expose it to his family and divorce. Would he be happy for people to know what he's done.

 

I'd also tell him to give up ALL copies. If some were on cassettes..I doubt he's saved them to flash drives..... but I reckon more recent stuff will be on a smartphone or a laptop. Tell him you want to see what footage he has apart from what you've seen and if he doesn't show it to you... you will seriously consider divorce..but will start with a legal seperation.

 

Make it real to him and don't hide the fact that you are seeing a divorce lawyer. When he realises how serious this is and that he has violated you.. he might start to accept some responsibility and seek help.0

 

Obviously from now on you lock the bathroom and undress in private. Move into another bedroom that you keep locked..so he can't set up hidden cameras. The idea

[burnt]

When I confronted him with what I found, he (instead of falling to his knees in dispair asking forgiveness) he immediately got defensive, saying they were for his use only (who knows?) he did it because we didn't have sex enough (OMG seriously; even if that were true it's no excuse)

 

I don't know what to say.

But the part above just simply scares me.

 

My question too--was it JUST for HIS eyes only?

 

Sandylee, I have to disagree; therapy for him? ask him to lose the tapes?

 

Call The Police. They should be able to provide some guidance about what steps need to be taken for OP's safety.

[Popsicle]

I really don't understand this either but my first thought is that he has a porn habit that is fueling him. He will probably tell you something like he thought this was better than him having sex with other women.

[Art_Critic]

I don't know if I would go to the police, that is a recourse sure but do you really want him to have a criminal record at this point or would you rather just divorce him and move on ?

 

After reading your post my first inclination was that you both need to have a coming to Jesus meeting in front of a counselor and find up what is up and if the marriage is salvageable.. everything has to be told up front and no secrets at that point.

 

Only you know how deep the trust has been eroded and only you can decide if you can ever look him in the eye again and say I Love You...

[loveweary11]

Why are people so easily offended by fetishes?

 

This guy has a repressed voyeuristic fetish he was probably too embarrassed to talk about.

 

Give him a break...

 

He did the right thing by focusing his fetish on his wife only and remaining faithful to her.

 

This is your husband, spyedon. This is the man you've been with for 20 years. Have some compassion and accept him for who he is.

 

So you found out he has a weird fetish. That doesn't make him a different person. In fact, this isn't even that weird of a fetish.

 

There are a lot worse guys out there than a guy who loves his wife so much, he makes her the main object of his fetish for 20 years while raising 2 kids and being faithful.... jeez.

[ChickiePops]

So anyone who has a fetish for something should automatically be given a pass to do whatever they want regardless of how it makes the object of the fetish feel?

 

If she feels violated by his fetish, regardless of what it is or how harmless he thinks it is, he shouldn't act on it. He's been lying to her and violating her privacy for the entirety of their marriage. It sounds to me like that is what she's the most upset about..I know it's what I'd be most upset about.

 

I have nothing against fetishists, but I do have something against liars.

[JamesM]

While looking for old videos of our children I found dvds and other video format cassettes containing, (I find this hard to put into words), over 20 YEARS of hidden video clips of me; in the shower, after the shower while naked, us making love, even, god help me, me using the bathroom.

 

I am ill. In shock. He obviously has a serious problem. I have no idea what I DIDN't find.

 

What serious problem does he have? If you saw that he was watching amateur porn where hidden cameras are used (real or unreal), then would you look at it differently?

 

What he did WAS an invasion of your privacy and IMO that is why you are devastated, but the only problem he has is wanting to watch videos of his wife nude and videos of him having sex with his wife.

 

I tried to wait a day to get myself calmed down but couldn't. When I confronted him with what I found, he (instead of falling to his knees in dispair asking forgiveness) he immediately got defensive, saying they were for his use only (who knows?) he did it because we didn't have sex enough (OMG seriously; even if that were true it's no excuse)

 

If they truly are for his use only, then his only issue really is not telling you. My guess is that this is part of the excitement for him knowing that it is candid and without your knowledge.

 

And if you two don't have sex "enough" then would you rather he found his sex elsewhere or would you rather he watch other named women in porn doing sex acts with other men or women?

 

Whatever; I am beyond hurt. No words really; my trust and everything are shattered. I am seeing a therapist to just try and wrap my mind around this. It is ILLEGAL for god's sake. What if our children (now 19 and 24) had ever found these??? The list goes on...

 

I think the biggest problem here is simply that you feel violated. The question is: does the law support the illegal part.

 

It may or may not be illegal depending on what he has done or did with those videos. Check with a lawyer before wasting time with the police.

 

4. However, it is indeed permissible to simply eavesdrop on a person, or even to photograph a person. However, videotaping with sound is illegal. Yet, video taping something without sound, that does not involve communication may be permissible under federal law (as there is no person to person communication occurring).

https://www.hg.org/article.asp?id=31917

 

Also....

Generally speaking, it's legal in the United States to record surveillance video with a hidden camera in your home without the consent of the person you're recording.

Hidden Camera Laws Explained By BrickHouse Security

 

And again,

When is using a hidden camera illegal? - Martin Investigative Services

 

I would be incredibly hurt too if I were yo, but as a guy who has some idea of what other guys do with their videos, I would be extremely worried too. My concern is not that he took videos of you without permission (although I can truly understand your hurt), but the question of whether he has shared those videos online with friends who also share videos of their wives or girlfriends. I don't know for sure, but my guess is that there are places that guys with videos like his are more than welcome.

 

Please, anyone, thoughts. I can't imagine hurting my boys with a divorce but I at this time do not see how I can live with this man.

 

Your trust and privacy has been violated. That is why you hurt and want to leave. The question is should you, and that is only something you can answer and decide. When it comes to whether what he did was illegal, then the answer is less certain.

 

Honestly, when I read this, I was appalled that a man would do this to his wife. And I still am. But when I searched and found that what he did was probably not illegal, then I am a bit more shocked.

 

Do some investigations and ask more questions. Talk to a therapist. You may even want to call a lawyer and ask what the laws are in your state or country.

[Lois_Griffin]

Yes, I have thought about reporting this. I took all the tapes and dvds and have them locked in a safe deposit box.

 

I feel sure he has copies on flash drives somewhere though.

 

Right now I am not taking to police for the sake of our boys. The embarrassment and devastation it would cause them.

What a psychotic pig.

 

 

I'd be taking ANY electronic devices he has (including any type of external thumb drives, etc.) and starting a HUGE bonfire in the backyard with them.

[Cablebandit]

Why are people so easily offended by fetishes?

 

This guy has a repressed voyeuristic fetish he was probably too embarrassed to talk about.

 

Give him a break...

 

He did the right thing by focusing his fetish on his wife only and remaining faithful to her.

 

This is your husband, spyedon. This is the man you've been with for 20 years. Have some compassion and accept him for who he is.

 

So you found out he has a weird fetish. That doesn't make him a different person. In fact, this isn't even that weird of a fetish.

 

There are a lot worse guys out there than a guy who loves his wife so much, he makes her the main object of his fetish for 20 years while raising 2 kids and being faithful.... jeez.

 

I agree with this line of thinking.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Why are people so easily offended by fetishes?

 

 

Give him a break...

 

He did the right thing.... jeez.

 

 

 

ROFL !!!

 

 

That's a great interpretation of the story.

 

 

 

 

But I truly want to side with the "astounded" ones.

 

 

This is just a social Rubik's Cube. I can't even fathom somebody victimized in this way being ready to choose a course of action in the midst of the same astoundedness that most any human should feel.

 

And better yet, how much does someone have to let his guard down to be caught as described after twenty years of deceit???

 

(such sudden clumsiness would match well with a recent fatal medical diagnosis, or some such thing)

 

 

I find myself hoping that there were many, many earlier (good) reasons to justify your leaving him, which you didn't heed, and that now you are motivated to get up and go...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

What serious problem does he have? If you saw that he was watching amateur porn where hidden cameras are used (real or unreal), then would you look at it differently?

 

What he did WAS an invasion of your privacy and IMO that is why you are devastated, but the only problem he has is wanting to watch videos of his wife nude and videos of him having sex with his wife.

 

 

 

If they truly are for his use only, then his only issue really is not telling you. My guess is that this is part of the excitement for him knowing that it is candid and without your knowledge.

 

 

 

First, I have to commend you for going the extra mile to share specific details of what is "legal" and "illegal". That was above and beyond what most others could offer.

 

 

But there is a giant difference between stopping at some porn website and watching random clips of what is purportedly a camera hidden in a toilet, depicting woman after woman using the toilet while unknowingly being filmed...

 

AND making it entirely clear to your wife that you are the sort who has made such recordings, invading someone's privacy, and that the victim was her.

 

Thus it clearly isn't accurate to say his only issue is not telling her.

 

 

That is akin to suggesting that Gary Leon Ridgway's "only issue" was not telling his then wife that he is a notorious serial killer.

 

 

So we're all here imagining what it's like in the victim's shoes... which is why the rest of us are "astounded" - so much so that we can't even move past that shock to yet contemplate the issue that is being married to someone about whom it is suddenly clear that he would (be the real-life guy making video recordings like those in porn of unwitting victims using the bathroom).

 

 

There is no place for sympathy for the man's fetish, just like there is no place for sympathy for child molesters, or for G.L. Ridgway.

[JamesM]

First, I have to commend you for going the extra mile to share specific details of what is "legal" and "illegal". That was above and beyond what most others could offer.

 

Thank you.

 

 

But there is a giant difference between stopping at some porn website and watching random clips of what is purportedly a camera hidden in a toilet, depicting woman after woman using the toilet while unknowingly being filmed...

 

Actually if it is a public place, then it is illegal. In one's home, it is not.

 

AND making it entirely clear to your wife that you are the sort who has made such recordings, invading someone's privacy, and that the victim was her.

 

He only admitted to it AFTER she confronted him. So really he never admitted it as he would still be making them (assuming he never quit) if not discovered.

 

This doesn't change the illegality of it.

 

Thus it clearly isn't accurate to say his only issue is not telling her.

 

What other issue is (or are) there? Again, he never did tell her technically. She discovered it.

 

 

That is akin to suggesting that Gary Leon Ridgway's "only issue" was not telling his then wife that he is a notorious serial killer.

 

No, I disagree. You are saying that what he did was illegal as compared to murder. My point is that it certainly may be unethical and disrespectful to his wife. It may certainly be viewed as an invasion of privacy. However, it is NOT apparently illegal.

 

So we're all here imagining what it's like in the victim's shoes... which is why the rest of us are "astounded" - so much so that we can't even move past that shock to yet contemplate the issue that is being married to someone about whom it is suddenly clear that he would (be the real-life guy making video recordings like those in porn of unwitting victims using the bathroom).

 

Again, that is stretching it. We only know at this point that he has made videos of her. In fact, if he made others, then why would they not be in the same box?

 

 

There is no place for sympathy for the man's fetish, just like there is no place for sympathy for child molesters, or for G.L. Ridgway.

 

Come on....seriously? You are comparing making videos of one's wife to molesting children?

 

All we know is that this husband made hidden videos of his wife (and himself) as a way to masturbate. While it is certainly a moral invasion of his wife's privacy, it so far doesn't appear to be illegal or a sign of something further.

 

And to the OP, I do NOT condone this at all. The idea that one person would film another in a marriage built upon trust is morally wrong IMO. The person that you trust to protect you and your privacy actually invades it. The times that you think you have complete privacy are proven to be far from it.

[StBreton]

So if the camera was rolling in the bathroom, does your hubby have video of family friends using? Your children? Did he share any of these clips with a special online community? What he did is almost unforgivable ... He needs help. Fetishes are fine ...but when they violate others who've not given permission to participate in the fetish, that's a whole other story. Sorry this happened to you. I'd seek counseling individually (such a traumatic occurrence might trigger PTSD) and speak with a lawyer. I'd also be worried about personal safety now that the cat is out of the bag.

[HereNorThere]

I assume you have checked the local voyeurism laws where you live? I know in my state they recently enacted these type of laws, so I would definitely check to see what the legal status is. You might be surprised to find out it wasn't technically illegal.

 

Either way, voyeurism is defined in the DSM as a paraphilia. When he gained sexual gratification from watching you do non-sexual things, he was getting off on the excitement of violating your rights. His excuse about your sex life is ridiculous because he already knows what you look like naked. At that point, he was just grasping for straws to save face. I'm simply amazed he didn't fall to his feet begging for forgiveness. That says a lot about his personality and character. Does he have other narcissistic traits like this?

 

I would worry that he has shared these videos online. Most voyeurs who spy on people that they could otherwise see naked without the hassle do so because they can trade them with other voyeurs. I would definitely check his browser history for any pornographic sites he has been accessing.

 

I feel for you, OP. In fact, I know EXACTLY how it feels. Without going into too much detail, I once caught a homosexual friend "peeking" through my window. I confronted and eventually forgave the person, but I'm still very freaked out about. To this day, I still will not walk undressed in front of a covered window on the first floor. However, this wasn't my partner. I do not think I could forgive a spouse for something this heinous. I certainly wouldn't even consider it until I had the full truth and disclosure to a therapist.

 

I'm very sorry this happened to you. I work in information technology and if there are any technical or Internet related questions I could help you with, please feel free to ask.

[pteromom]

Why are people so easily offended by fetishes?

 

This guy has a repressed voyeuristic fetish he was probably too embarrassed to talk about.

 

Give him a break...

 

He did the right thing by focusing his fetish on his wife only and remaining faithful to her.

 

This is your husband, spyedon. This is the man you've been with for 20 years. Have some compassion and accept him for who he is.

 

So you found out he has a weird fetish. That doesn't make him a different person. In fact, this isn't even that weird of a fetish.

 

There are a lot worse guys out there than a guy who loves his wife so much, he makes her the main object of his fetish for 20 years while raising 2 kids and being faithful.... jeez.

 

No. You can't make someone an UNWILLING participant in your fetish. If he had told her upfront that he has a voyeuristic fetish and ASKED her if it was ok to video her in the shower, that would be one thing. But what he did was sick and underhanded - not to mention illegal.

[JamesM]

But what he did was sick and underhanded - not to mention illegal.

 

Sick...maybe

 

Underhanded...yes.

 

Illegal...questionable.

 

And that is the problem.

[pteromom]

Sick...maybe

 

Underhanded...yes.

 

Illegal...questionable.

 

And that is the problem.

 

That's not a problem. Even if only sick and underhanded, it is, in my opinion, enough to justify divorce. That would be a serious dealbreaker for me.

[Cablebandit]

Not enough sex for him and you had no idea about his fetish. i wonder how deep this marriage really is. It sounds like there was some communication missing when it comes to sex. When you asked him about his fetishes and sexual interests, did this type of thing not come up?

[Rockdad]

After reading the responses this won't be a popular one.

IF they weren't shared and there is no mention of anyone else on the vids, why the epic drama melt down? Yes Bad taste and the wrong thing to do. I realize some people are wound tighter than others but talk of police action, divorce ect is way over the top.

[pteromom]

After reading the responses this won't be a popular one.

IF they weren't shared and there is no mention of anyone else on the vids, why the epic drama melt down? Yes Bad taste and the wrong thing to do. I realize some people are wound tighter than others but talk of police action, divorce ect is way over the top.

 

Why? Just because she is his wife?

 

What if he did the same thing to his sister? His co-worker? Would that still be ok?

 

Just because she is his wife, he has a right to invade her privacy and watch her secretly?

 

I think it is downright creepy.

[xxoo]

After reading the responses this won't be a popular one.

IF they weren't shared and there is no mention of anyone else on the vids, why the epic drama melt down? Yes Bad taste and the wrong thing to do. I realize some people are wound tighter than others but talk of police action, divorce ect is way over the top.

 

It's sexual abuse.

 

Plus, voyeurs sometimes escalate to violence and rape. If he can no longer secretly film his wife, other members of the community could also be at risk.

[pteromom]

Plus, voyeurs sometimes escalate to violence and rape.

 

Good point!

 

This type of secret voyeurism shows a sense of entitlement that is also present in rapists. Not saying that he is going to be a rapist, but it is definitely a shared trait.