My username sums it up; I'm in shock

[Tayla]

She says she isn't pressing charges now. She may feel differently later.

 

He can't get to them in a safe deposit box. Many women who've been abused store evidence in this way, just in case they need it in the future. It's smart.

 

sure he can. Spouses have the same rights to safe deposit boxes.

sad that we disagree. Given the main concern is her dignity. And so long as those tapes exist, her dignity will be in jeopardy. If these were medical records, or police records with proof of abuse even then charges are to be pressed in a short time frame... not a year down the road..

I stand by destoying them . She already knows the reality . Her saving them simply lets him know that they are safe for his enjoyment.. but destroyed equals no tolerance by her.

[xxoo]

sure he can. Spouses have the same rights to safe deposit boxes.

sad that we disagree. Given the main concern is her dignity. And so long as those tapes exist, her dignity will be in jeopardy. If these were medical records, or police records with proof of abuse even then charges are to be pressed in a short time frame... not a year down the road..

I stand by destoying them . She already knows the reality . Her saving them simply lets him know that they are safe for his enjoyment.. but destroyed equals no tolerance by her.

 

If spouses have the same rights to safe deposit boxes, that's a good point. She should put it in a trusted friend or family member's care, or a lawyer if possible.

[loveweary11]

Loveweary, more often then not you do add a positive spin. Where I think you are missing the boat is that as adults we "ask" permission on certain matters.

Had this been discussed ? No. Ergo the violation of privacy even within a marriage. He overstepped his bounds as a fellow human. He did not give her that choice.

Some folks do take personal space seriously.

 

I guess they do ask...

 

But it's very hard to imagine this being a big deal with someone you are that close to. When in a marriage or serious relationship, I'm one with the other person. it's like a cable or Bluetooth connects our brains.

 

Everything in a marriage is shared so deeply, that if I found my wife did this, I'd first, laugh a bit because it's kind of funny, then use it as a tool to turn her on until she begged for mercy.

 

I'd give her the gift of the fetish.

 

Why is everyone so serious about things?

 

Why is there so much ego in the way people here go about marriages?

 

I don't understand the concept of not accepting people for who they are.. and loving them unconditionally.

 

Isn't that what marriage is about? That's how I run my relationships.

 

This is sooo minor. Soooo trivial in the scope of a 20 year marriage with children.

 

I guess I'll just sign off this thread baffled at how nearly all of you treat your spouses and significant others.

 

Life is too short to take something like this so seriously...

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for asking your husband. I'd like to hear from other husbands. (I know I have some responses already).

 

I asked him because honestly, I wasn't sure how I would feel at all.

 

Maybe flattered? But disturbed? But violated? But wondering what the Hell else he kept from me? And why he did?

 

It just seemed to weird to think about. And frankly my family is AWFUL at bathroom boundaries. If my kid wants to talk to me and I'm using the facilities she always bangs on the door. It makes me so mad. And my husband will just open the door and chat to me. I don't lock the door (usually) because I was raised by a claisterphobic Mom who always left doors slightly open. I don't do that, but I forget to lock. I'm always yelling "space in the washroom!"

 

So I can't imagine being "filmed." I mean, I erm, look back at stuff because I want to make sure its healthy. I never want that FILMED! And grunting and wiping and stuff..... YUCK!

[Mr. Lucky]

even, god help me, me using the bathroom.

 

The whole thing is creepy but this takes it to another level.

 

Obviously I'm with my partner during sex, the activities are shared. In our master bath, the shower door is clear glass, we're both in and out, all in the open. But behind a bathroom door, I have a clear expectation of privacy, even in the closest relationship.

 

I wouldn't want to be married to someone that fetishized bathroom visits, especially at the expense of my dignity. Too dark a place, would be a dealbreaker for me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spyedonfor20plus]

sure he can. Spouses have the same rights to safe deposit boxes.

sad that we disagree. Given the main concern is her dignity. And so long as those tapes exist, her dignity will be in jeopardy. If these were medical records, or police records with proof of abuse even then charges are to be pressed in a short time frame... not a year down the road..

I stand by destoying them . She already knows the reality . Her saving them simply lets him know that they are safe for his enjoyment.. but destroyed equals no tolerance by her.

 

I will keep them for now. He does not know where they are. Or if I have destroyed them for that matter. If he does something else, (god forbid to someone else) I have those to back it up.

 

Also, if we do end up divorcing, and he finds some way to paint me as the one who caused it to our sons, i would find some edited way to show them the truth. It would make me sick to do it but i would not tolerate him turning them against me.

[spyedonfor20plus]

I guess they do ask...

 

But it's very hard to imagine this being a big deal with someone you are that close to. When in a marriage or serious relationship, I'm one with the other person. it's like a cable or Bluetooth connects our brains.

 

Everything in a marriage is shared so deeply, that if I found my wife did this, I'd first, laugh a bit because it's kind of funny, then use it as a tool to turn her on until she begged for mercy.

 

I'd give her the gift of the fetish.

 

Why is everyone so serious about things?

 

Why is there so much ego in the way people here go about marriages?

 

I don't understand the concept of not accepting people for who they are.. and loving them unconditionally.

 

Isn't that what marriage is about? That's how I run my relationships.

 

This is sooo minor. Soooo trivial in the scope of a 20 year marriage with children.

 

I guess I'll just sign off this thread baffled at how nearly all of you treat your spouses and significant others.

 

Life is too short to take something like this so seriously...

 

LoveWeary, I'm just curious, (and of course everyone is different about different things) what WOULD you take seriously in your marriage?

[Mr. Lucky]

Also, if we do end up divorcing, and he finds some way to paint me as the one who caused it to our sons, i would find some edited way to show them the truth. It would make me sick to do it but i would not tolerate him turning them against me.

 

Live your life as a good person and your sons will know you for who you are, regardless of what your H says about a potential divorce.

 

Never, never, ever involve them in this, edited or not...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JamesM]

After reading your additional posts, my biggest concern if I were you is....has he shared them with anyone? Did he sell them?

 

IMO he confessed too quickly. Also if his fetish is this bad and for so long, then how can he survive if he gave you all of the tapes? What will he masturbate to now...if that is what he is doing?

 

So I must assume that either he has backups elsewhere, he knows he can make more of you or someone else, or (least likely by far) he is going to reform and never need them again.

 

How would I respond if my wife did this? I would be "weirded out" too. Would I leave her? No. If it was for her own use, then I would be flattered.

 

I highly doubt she would think the same if I taped HER and especially if I invaded her bathroom time. No, she wouldn't leave me, but she would be very angry and violated.

[dreamingoftigers]

She says she isn't pressing charges now. She may feel differently later.

 

He can't get to them in a safe deposit box. Many women who've been abused store evidence in this way, just in case they need it in the future. It's smart.

 

My ex sister in-law did this.

 

Kind of funny actually. My husband's brother (/uncle, my husband was raised by his grandmother) cited in court that his wife had a safety deposit box. He accused her of hiding over 100K in it.

 

Well, the truth was he had totally pissed away a ton of $ on prostitutes (which was why they were getting divorced). What was revealed to be in the safety deposit box?

 

Evidence from am alcohol & drug fuelled nightmare one night when he came home and completely trashed their house. Coffee table smashed, walls gouged/holes, door broken off of hinges, bed destroyed. Etc etc etc.

 

So he pushed to open the box, they did. It only served to further her case.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Thank you.

 

 

 

 

Actually if it is a public place, then it is illegal. In one's home, it is not.

 

 

 

He only admitted to it AFTER she confronted him. So really he never admitted it as he would still be making them (assuming he never quit) if not discovered.

 

This doesn't change the illegality of it.

 

 

 

What other issue is (or are) there? Again, he never did tell her technically. She discovered it.

 

 

 

 

No, I disagree. You are saying that what he did was illegal as compared to murder. My point is that it certainly may be unethical and disrespectful to his wife. It may certainly be viewed as an invasion of privacy. However, it is NOT apparently illegal.

 

 

 

Again, that is stretching it. We only know at this point that he has made videos of her. In fact, if he made others, then why would they not be in the same box?

 

 

 

 

Come on....seriously? You are comparing making videos of one's wife to molesting children?

 

All we know is that this husband made hidden videos of his wife (and himself) as a way to masturbate. While it is certainly a moral invasion of his wife's privacy, it so far doesn't appear to be illegal or a sign of something further.

 

And to the OP, I do NOT condone this at all. The idea that one person would film another in a marriage built upon trust is morally wrong IMO. The person that you trust to protect you and your privacy actually invades it. The times that you think you have complete privacy are proven to be far from it.

 

 

 

Now you're simply not making sense.

 

 

The references to "illegal" are not relevant past your initial, earlier efforts to underscore the law.

 

There are many, many ways to demean women which are not "illegal". "Illegal" only matters in terms of whether the law will step-in and remove the guy from your world so you don't have to bother...

 

 

The woman now knows that her husband is the sort of a man who would actually put a camera in a bathroom and film unwitting humans using the toilet in said bathroom.

 

It isn't "illegal" to videotape neighborhood cats defecating in nearby yards, but to suggest somebody who is deeply focused on so doing, for, say, 20 years, doesn't have a problem... is foolhardy.

 

Whether or not it is "illegal" no longer matters a bit, except to the authorities.

[spyedonfor20plus]

After reading your additional posts, my biggest concern if I were you is....has he shared them with anyone? Did he sell them?

 

IMO he confessed too quickly. Also if his fetish is this bad and for so long, then how can he survive if he gave you all of the tapes? What will he masturbate to now...if that is what he is doing?

 

So I must assume that either he has backups elsewhere, he knows he can make more of you or someone else, or (least likely by far) he is going to reform and never need them again.

 

How would I respond if my wife did this? I would be "weirded out" too. Would I leave her? No. If it was for her own use, then I would be flattered.

 

I highly doubt she would think the same if I taped HER and especially if I invaded her bathroom time. No, she wouldn't leave me, but she would be very angry and violated.

 

He didn't give them to me; I found them and took them.

He says he has not made nor even looked at the tapes/dvds for 10 years. Which I do not believe because a: he just took another one 4 months ago when we were in Europe b: the behavior doesnt' just stop one day and c: the technology had changed to smart phones by then and it was so easy to create and keep on his phone.

 

Of course he says he never uploaded to any website or sold them, but how could I possibly know that? Oddly that is not my biggest concern right now.

 

I don't feel comfortable in my own house. Are there other bugs? Does he have GPS on my car? An audio recorder? I mean, my mind is going everywhere. I need lots of time.

 

He thought having roses and a teddy bear could make it better. Swear to God. It ws on the table when I got back from a trip on Monday. This man thinks like a 17yo boy.

[MJJean]

I was upset, but I went with the "impulse, opportunity" answer.

 

Truthfully, it does sound like he has impulse control issues.

 

And, while you're figuring it all out, factor in the possibility of criminal charges and lawsuits. If he has done this to other women or starts doing this to other women, he could very well be criminally prosecuted and/or sued. Meaning, if you're married to him and that happens, his fetish could financially ruin you.

 

I asked about that. He says I have all there is. Which I do not believe. Hopefully he has deleted anything on a smart phone.

 

I do not have any access to his computer. It is password protected.

 

Fetishists of the picture/video type tend to keep their collections and guard them zealously from harm. Loss of their collection is often a horrifying thought to them, so I doubt he deleted everything.

 

If I were you, I'd be VERY interested in finding out what's on that computer. Like, threats, intimidation, blackmail, and stealing it to take to a professional, interested.

Edited January 22, 2016 by MJJean

[JamesM]

Now you're simply not making sense.

 

Thank you?

 

 

The references to "illegal" are not relevant past your initial, earlier efforts to underscore the law.

 

Actually, I agree with you. I simply pointed out that much as it may seem illegal, it may not be in some states. Honestly, the only relevant issue here is how this has made the OP feel and how it will affect her future and the family's future.

 

There are many, many ways to demean women which are not "illegal".

 

Never disagreed.

 

The woman now knows that her husband is the sort of a man who would actually put a camera in a bathroom and film unwitting humans using the toilet in said bathroom.

 

Yes...and the point is? (BTW you may not know this, but I can see quite well even if the letters are not in bold. )

 

It isn't "illegal" to videotape neighborhood cats defecating in nearby yards, but to suggest somebody who is deeply focused on so doing, for, say, 20 years, doesn't have a problem... is foolhardy.

 

Irrelevant and speaking of making sense, this is not even a good analogy. But having a problem doesn't equal illegal and we agree. Not sure why this is even here. I can only think that you are comparing taping cats pooping to husband taping wife without her permission. I highly doubt that a cat feels demeaned or that many would say anything beyond "That man is weird" if he was caught taping cats.

 

Taping another human without permission and masturbating is much more than one man's problem. It now has become a FAMILY problem.

 

Whether or not it is "illegal" no longer matters a bit, except to the authorities.

 

Reread my posts. I think I agree with this. I brought it up because others said "go to the police." I simply said that a little research is necessary first.

 

Thanks for taking the time to give me feedback but I think some of it was unnecessary as we do not disagree on much.

[whichwayisup]

Google Jian Ghomeshi.

He says he has not made nor even looked at the tapes/dvds for 10 years. Which I do not believe because a: he just took another one 4 months ago when we were in Europe b: the behavior doesnt' just stop one day and c: the technology had changed to smart phones by then and it was so easy to create and keep on his phone.

 

Bullcrap. IF he has a fetish there's no way he hasn't looked at them for 10 years.

 

Is he even sorry or showing any remorse in what he's done?

[LimeBlue]

I have just read your post. I feel sick just reading it. Perhaps easier said than done (as most things in relationships), but I would move out and NOT allow him anywhere near the new place. Everything you take with you, as it enters the new home, check it over inside and out for any sicko recording devices. Don't pack anything into a box without investigating the item fully for devices. URGH. Over drive perhaps, but I would not put ANYTHING past him! OMG!! There is no fixing this, get out now.

 

I have major issues with invasion of privacy. Major.

[SolG]

I guess they do ask...

 

But it's very hard to imagine this being a big deal with someone you are that close to. When in a marriage or serious relationship, I'm one with the other person. it's like a cable or Bluetooth connects our brains.

 

Everything in a marriage is shared so deeply, that if I found my wife did this, I'd first, laugh a bit because it's kind of funny, then use it as a tool to turn her on until she begged for mercy.

 

I'd give her the gift of the fetish.

 

Why is everyone so serious about things?

 

Why is there so much ego in the way people here go about marriages?

 

I don't understand the concept of not accepting people for who they are.. and loving them unconditionally.

 

Isn't that what marriage is about? That's how I run my relationships.

 

This is sooo minor. Soooo trivial in the scope of a 20 year marriage with children.

 

I guess I'll just sign off this thread baffled at how nearly all of you treat your spouses and significant others.

 

Life is too short to take something like this so seriously...

 

Lovweary I agree with you in principle... But the problem here is that it HASN'T been shared. There is no closeness when one party withholds.

 

I agree that vourerism + consensual exhibitionism is big sexy fun. But in this case--despite decades of opportunity to share--there is no consent nor even the modicum of seeking it. That is the antithesis of intimacy in all its forms.

 

I am as liberal as they come. But even I would have a problem with a partner that chose to withold from me for so long. Indeed FOREVER if not caught it would seem in this case.

 

I personally have no problem with the fetish... I have a problem with a partnsr who chose not to share it wirh me and what that says about their motivation and trust in our R.

[BlueIris]

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. This is awful. What a violation, the deceit and exploitation.

 

Take the computer(s) to a forensic computer specialist, get a copy of everything including cloud and internet activity. If he goes to sites where people post amateur porn, you need to know if you are on there. Have your computer checked for a key logger and have it cleaned up. Make sure it's a forensic computer analyst who has testified in court in the past and tell him/her to do a formal report. Then put it all in the safe deposit box as you take time to stop reeling.

Edited January 22, 2016 by BlueIris

[anika99]

So weird.

 

I would give zero F's if my wife did this. I'd find it to be a fun, sexy quirk.

 

I'd get in deeper and make some voyeuristic vids of myself and surprise her with them.

 

It's beyond my comprehension that people who are as close as married people should be would be this offended.

 

I guess I really am way, way different from most people.

 

Sounds kind of fun/exciting to me. An opportunity to play together and add some spark.

 

But he didn't give her the opportunity to play together. He did this secretly and deceptively for years on end. You don't get it. It's not about a fetish, it's not about shaming him, it's not even about sex. It's about secrecy, deception and violating ones privacy. I'm sure you would agree that if a guy did this to a neighbor it would be wrong. Why is it different because he's married to the one he's secretly recording? Do you believe that a woman has no right to privacy concerning sex and her body when it comes to her husband?

 

And you can't make voyeuristic vids of yourself. Voyerism is watching someone else, usually without their knowledge, it's not taking selfies or recording yourself.

[Phoenician]

It could be fun/exciting if she knew. If it were consensual. Sure, I'd make lots of nakey vids for my H if he liked that.

 

He gets off on it NOT being consensual. He gets off on invading privacy. That's really, really alarming, and potentially a risk factor for even more inappropriate behaviors (sharing online for example).

 

 

His act could be illegal , unethical ...

 

But for God sake , why we are always looking at things from black and white perspectives .

 

the guy is not defended legally , but we are hearing one side of the story , op part .

 

if he is rejected sexually or they mismatch ; would it have been better that he cheats or divorce ?

 

he fantsaized about a lady to satisfy his sexual needs; with his own wife , would it be better that he goes to adultary .

 

I am not accusing op that she is not satisfying him , she knows better if she is ; what I am saying is that he ssems to be HD and his wife LD ; what options he has other than divorcing , or adultary ?

 

I respect the guy who sacrificied his own needs to raise a family though his act is not legal or ethical .

 

the issue is not just videotaping her without her permission , the issue is that they are not compatible ; if they were he wouldn't have done it .

 

Again , he did a big mistake , but we are human , are we saints?

Op , don't look at the surface , go deeper and try to be in his shoes, you are hurt and have the right for it ; but if this is the facts now , what do you want to do ?

 

you can't change his needs, you need to be frank with yourself and decide if you can adapt and change or not ...

[Anderlie]

I would definitely be worried he'd posted stuff online. There's a chatroom for everything these days and you can't tell me there isn't a gaggle of voyeurs hanging out and sharing videos somewhere in the dark corners of the internet. It fits what they're into perfectly and they don't even have to hide outside in the bushes to see it.

 

I'm really sorry OP, I genuinely hope this works out ok for you in the end no matter what you decide to do. It's a very tough call.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

If they truly are for his use only, then his only issue really is not telling you.

 

 

You are still not grasping how completely wrong the statement above is.

 

 

That's the part you're just not getting, despite most others viewing this thread picking-up on immediately. Yet you can understand how some fictitious person who would be filming cats defecating (for 20 years) is "weird".

 

Truth be told, I had a vast array of more on-target analogies at the ready, but so few would have flown on Loveshack, that I just used cats, to underscore the unusual...

[Just a Guy]

I've read a number of the posts on this thread and while I empathise with the OP for a violation of her privacy and invasion of her personal well being what I cannot understand is why everyone is jumping to the conclusion that he is criminally inclined and a possible danger to to other people and children. Also people assuming he is a possible rapist etc is a bit exaggerated. I would first consider the possibility of the man having a psychiatric/ mental problem and have him attend a psychiatric clinic to determine the nature and depth of his affliction. In this matter I would think the OP being his wife should be the one to show some compassion and help her husband get the help he obviously needs. For instance, if a person is schizophrenic and attacks other people physically would he or she be put in a police lock up? Obviously not. However being taken to a psychiatric hospital and restrained suitably while being put on medication would be the correct way to handle such a person. I guess the OP's husband merits at least that much consideration.

OP, if you don't mind could you tell us how has your marriage been apart from this behaviour on the part of your husband? Has he ever been violent with you or the children or has he ever forced him self on you to have sex against your wishes? I guess your answer would shed light on your husband's disposition. What other problems have you faced with him in your 25 year marriage? I do hope you are able to show the compassion that your husband probably needs. After all what happens to the 'For better or for worse' in your marriage vows?

[JamesM]

You are still not grasping how completely wrong the statement above is.

 

 

 

Okay, then let me pose this question:

 

If the husband had asked his wife if he could video her while she was doing daily activities such as using the bathroom, putting on makeup, undressing/dressing, masturbating, and having sex with him so that he could get enjoyment from those tapes later.....plus promising to let her have full control over those videos....

 

....and she said yes,

 

then where is there an issue?

 

If the wife and husband shared an interest in such a "fetish," then how would this be "weird?"

 

Hence, my point is that this being a violation of privacy is the biggest and possibly only issue.

 

Maybe bolding, underlining, and italics DO help!

[xxoo]

 

the issue is not just videotaping her without her permission , the issue is that they are not compatible ; if they were he wouldn't have done it ..

 

Voyeurism is a paraphilia. It doesn't develop from sexless marriage. The urges (and possibly the behavior) likely developed long before he ever met his wife. A highly sexual marriage wouldn't "cure" the urges, either.