My username sums it up; I'm in shock

[xxoo]

At the very least, you must have a professional come sweep your home for recording devices, and have his electronic devices checked. Without him knowing.

 

If he still has his computer and phone password protected against you, don't dare trust him.

 

He spied on you for years, violating your privacy for his pleasure, omg You aren't getting any pleasure from violating his privacy, just peace of mind.

[turnera]

 

I'd also tell him to give up ALL copies. If some were on cassettes..I doubt he's saved them to flash drives..... but I reckon more recent stuff will be on a smartphone or a laptop. Tell him you want to see what footage he has apart from what you've seen and if he doesn't show it to you... you will seriously consider divorce..but will start with a legal seperation.

 

I asked about that. He says I have all there is. Which I do not believe. Hopefully he has deleted anything on a smart phone.

 

I do not have any access to his computer. It is password protected.

You know this is now unacceptable, right? If he has ANY hope to stay married to you, he gives you the passwords, immediately.

[turnera]

if he is rejected sexually or they mismatch ; would it have been better that he cheats or divorce ?

 

he fantsaized about a lady to satisfy his sexual needs; with his own wife , would it be better that he goes to adultary .

 

I am not accusing op that she is not satisfying him , she knows better if she is ; what I am saying is that he ssems to be HD and his wife LD ; what options he has other than divorcing , or adultary ?

Just to clarify...him watching her produce feces in the toilet meets what sexual need of his?

(sorry for the graphic nature)

[spyedonfor20plus]

Re: sweeping the house

I mentioned that to him and he said please, go ahead. You won't find anything. Which I believe. At this point I imagine he's taken anything away. Plus he can always use the good ol phone camera anyway.

 

Hacking a computer without the owners consent is illegal. I won't have him use that against me. And, again, if he's serious about not wanting a divorce he has swept that sucker clean.

 

Honestly I'm not sure I even care what's on there. What he has done has had enough effect.

 

But I swear, I'm going to do what's best for me and my boys(yes I know they are adults sort of) (if any of you have boys age 19 and 24 you know what I mean). If we divorce I would have to tell them why. They would not understand why I was doing it otherwise.

 

Right now I'm so pissed off I want to get on a plane to Hawaii for a month. My emotions go from anger to sorrow and back again over hours.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I swear, I'm going to do what's best for me and my boys(yes I know they are adults sort of) (if any of you have boys age 19 and 24 you know what I mean). If we divorce I would have to tell them why. They would not understand why I was doing it otherwise.

 

I'd simply encourage you to think long term with them if it comes to this point, it's rarely good - or helpful to either party - to force children (even adult ones) to choose a side in a divorce. Your therapist can help you work through the details of this difficult matter.

 

My sympathies, tough situation all around to find yourself in. The one person you thought you could really count on ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MJJean]

Re: sweeping the house

I mentioned that to him and he said please, go ahead. You won't find anything. Which I believe. At this point I imagine he's taken anything away. Plus he can always use the good ol phone camera anyway.

 

Hacking a computer without the owners consent is illegal. I won't have him use that against me. And, again, if he's serious about not wanting a divorce he has swept that sucker clean.

 

Honestly I'm not sure I even care what's on there. What he has done has had enough effect.

 

But I swear, I'm going to do what's best for me and my boys(yes I know they are adults sort of) (if any of you have boys age 19 and 24 you know what I mean). If we divorce I would have to tell them why. They would not understand why I was doing it otherwise.

 

Right now I'm so pissed off I want to get on a plane to Hawaii for a month. My emotions go from anger to sorrow and back again over hours.

 

Yes, sweeping the house would be useless. For a device to be detectable, it has to be powered on or in stand-by. If he removed his devices or simply turned them off, chances are they won't be found.

 

"Hacking" is, indeed, illegal. However, so is what he did in many states. Not to mention, there is some grey area. If he bought that laptop since you have been married and he bought it with marital funds, it's marital property and just as much yours as his. Meaning, you could take it in and have s pro recover the data for you.

 

You could also simply tell your husband that he can open that computer RIGHT NOW and allow you full access or you'll be filing for divorce. If he wriggles and worms and tries to weasel out of it, you know he has things on that drive he doesn't want you to see.

 

If you divorce, you don't have to tell them why. You can say something generic. Maybe something along the lines of "Your father and I are divorcing. The reasons for our divorce are ours and we don't think it's appropriate to share those reasons with you as they are very personal."

 

Have you done any research on your H's disorder?

[loveweary11]

 

Right now I'm so pissed off I want to get on a plane to Hawaii for a month. My emotions go from anger to sorrow and back again over hours.

 

Probably the best plan of action in the whole thread. Good idea.

 

The thread certainly has developed with a lot more new information.

 

Seems the guy has some pretty significant mental health issues, not a fetish.

 

Absolutely bizarre.

 

He needs to go for counseling regardless of what happens with the marriage.

 

Me? I'd go to Hawaii for the month. The emotions will mellow a bit, the path will become clear.

 

Make sure the place has a good spa!

[StBreton]

So go to Hawaii or someplace to decompress ...maybe for just a week if that's all you can get away for.

 

FYI ...that computer ...unless it is a work computer hubby's company owns ...is marital property. You won't get into trouble looking at the contents. Your hubby should offer to show you what's on there ...and a forensic computer person can tell exactly what's been shared on the internet ...that maybe why your H doesn't want to share the contents with you. There is more to this story than your H is telling you ...do you realize this? Otherwise he wouldn't be so defensive nor hiding his computer contents with a password.

[turnera]

 

Me? I'd go to Hawaii for the month. The emotions will mellow a bit, the path will become clear.

 

Make sure the place has a good spa!

And make sure you have your H's credit card.

[pteromom]

Here's the part that has actually made this worse (as if it could get any worse): he said he doesn't have a fetish, so "why" I ask. He said he did it because after I had our first son (24 years ago) my attention was focused more on the children and less on him". Which he GRACIOUSLY said was the way it should be. (Sarcasm on my part with caps). So that's how he dealt with "lack of attention."

 

He is turning it back onto you. Hoping that your "guilt" over the lack of attention will lead to giving him a pass on this.

 

You need to get an expert in to look through your home computer ASAP, although he's had time to delete everything. Also have someone come and look for cameras or recording devices.

 

Since you have already caught him in several lies, I wouldn't trust anything he is telling you.

[turnera]

I always hear on tv...nothing is ever truly deleted...

[loveweary11]

I always hear on tv...nothing is ever truly deleted...

 

For the intents and purposes here, it is.

 

It is lost to the file system once deleted. There is a handle... a pointer.. like a sign that points to the pile of data that makes up the pics or video.

 

Picture it like a file cabinet with a label on each drawer.

 

When you delete a file, the label is removed from the drawer of the file cabinet. So... the operating system (Windows or OSX or whatever) can't find the file anymore because all it knows how to do is read the labels on the drawers. It doesn't go through thousands and thousands of drawers that don't have a label trying to find the right one.

 

Plus it might store a movie in 200 different drawers in the huge file cabinet. It breaks thing up and puts them all over in different drawers with the right labels.

 

However, there are programs that were written to basically take every drawer, dump it out on the ground and report what's inside label or no label. A large file like a movie isn't stored in adjacent drawers.

 

These programs that look through unlabeled drawers are what recovers deleted files, BUT....

 

The computer, as you make new files, just throws out any old junk in the drawers without labels and puts the new files in them with a new label. So... the more new stuff you put on the computer, the more unlabeled drawers get their old junk thrown out and replaced with new files.

 

So... only if the old stuff goes undisturbed by new files, are they recoverable.

 

To completely empy all the the files, you have to go in each and every drawer and put a file with the number "0" in it. Then your cabinet is truly empty. Thats a formatting of the storage where a "0" is written to every filing cabinet.

 

That's how a file system works and that's why they are gone, if deleted, unless... the computer is no longer used *and* the husband is a pretty technical guy.

Edited January 25, 2016 by loveweary11

[Parannonx]

Reading the responses ITT does kind of explain why the guy wouldn't want to come clean about what he was doing. He was likely embarrassed.

 

Don't get me wrong, filming her without her consent was wrong, but the way people are reacting to his fetish ignoring the ethical questions of consent, make it understandable that he might have been uncomfortable talking to her about it. Particularly in light of how she has reacted.

 

Spyedon, I understand that you have been caught off guard and are understandably shocked by all this.

 

However consider this, assuming that he hasn't shared them and he hasn't taken such pictures/videos of others. Other than the violation of your privacy, what harm has he caused you?

 

I get that the lying part is tough, but unlike lying about infidelity he hasn't (assuming the qualifiers above) put you in any actual danger, he hasn't exposed you to STD/STIs. He hasn't risked leaving any illegitimate children behind.

 

You are of course in your rights to react to this in any way that you like, however given that this is the father of your children and I assume couldn't have been that awful a person if you've been married 25 years, perhaps a little compassion and understanding is in order.

 

I saw this cool diagram online once it was a smaller circle inside a larger one. The larger was labeled "things that turn me on" the smaller "things that my partner know turns me on" and a legend that indicates that "the closer the smaller circle is in size to the larger the healthier and more fulfilling the relationship in particular the sex life.

 

Tell me this Spyedon, how would you have reacted had your husband told you about his fetish and asked your permission? Knowing that, how comfortable do you think he would have been talking to you about it?

 

The real question in my mind is this, ignoring this particular situation prior to finding your husband's stash how did you feel about your relationship? Were you happy with him before? Have you shared all your fantasies with him?

 

Like I said only you can decide what you want to do, however you could choose to use this as an opportunity to explore new experiences with your husband, to achieve new levels of intimacy and pleasure.

 

This isn't some stranger who was perving on you, it's your husband. Perhaps the reason he got sloppy was in the hope that you would find it.

 

Personally I can think of so many worse things that one's spouse could do. Hell I've experienced things so much worse than this myself.

Edited January 25, 2016 by Parannonx

[Mr. Lucky]

Other than the violation of your privacy, what harm has he caused you?

 

By filming her bathroom visits? You have to ask that question?

 

Tell me this Spyedon, how would you have reacted had your husband told you about his fetish and asked your permission?

 

You miss the point, the fetish is built on a lack of permission. If it was as easy as you seem to be saying, we'd just send all the voyeurs and peeping toms to strip clubs - plenty for them to look at, right?

 

This is about a different dynamic that's the opposite of love and trust...

 

Mr. Lucky

[turnera]

I've known people who've acknowledged their fetishes, and worked to allow it in the marriage. This is a much different issue.

[Httm]

Police, immediately. For the sakenof the children argument is ridiculous. They aren't baby and it puts them in danger to withhold the info. They need to know.l

[JamesM]

They aren't baby and it puts them in danger to withhold the info. They need to know.l

 

Pardon me for being ignorant, but what danger are THEY in and WHY do they need to know?

[spyedonfor20plus]

To answer someone's recent question, If husband had asked I might have been open to him filming us having sex but prob not. I can imagine like the photos I would feel uncomfortable with all of that out there and would want it deleted so what's the point.

 

And just so you know, after our first child our sex life continued to be good if not great. I'm not a prude by any sense. We went through several years of 3 miscarriages and the attendant issues. So sex then became rather clinical, either I was miscarryimg and had to wait a while or if I was pregnant we couldn't have Sex for fear of causing Miscarriage. More than I wanted to share...

 

That what years ago and things got back to normal.

 

BUT BUT even if our sex life had gone done the tube....that gives hm no right or justification to do what he did! The adult, mature action would to be, um, maybe talk with me!?!?

 

He's reserved by nature (communication wise) but on something so important... He has seen my therapist but didn't say much. He is still saying sorry , but I still need more help and lots of time To make a decision. I want to talk to someone who specializes in disorders like voyeurism to hear their thoughts.

[Parannonx]

By filming her bathroom visits? You have to ask that question?

 

 

 

You miss the point, the fetish is built on a lack of permission. If it was as easy as you seem to be saying, we'd just send all the voyeurs and peeping toms to strip clubs - plenty for them to look at, right?

 

This is about a different dynamic that's the opposite of love and trust...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You are making assumptions that are not backed up by the evidence at hand.

 

On your first point, you would be amazed at what weird things that people get off on, scat and pee play are a thing after all.

 

Second how do you know that it's about the lack of permission for him? You don't, you are making assumptions and attempting to divine someone's thinking from very limited information.

 

Spyedon, I never said that what he did was justified, I said that his reluctance to talk to you about it is understandable given the way you and others in this thread are reacting.

 

This isn't some stranger, this is your companion of a quarter century.

 

Speaking of which, to all the "omg he could be dangerous" folks, the guy has been doing this for 25 years, if he was going to escalate to other behaviors he would have done so years ago.

 

Spyedon, you are in your rights to react however you feel is right I'm just trying to give you another perspective to consider.

[MJJean]

Pardon me for being ignorant, but what danger are THEY in and WHY do they need to know?

 

umm, because this scumbag has been secretly filming AT LEAST his wife while she was doing personal things, like pooping. He won't allow her to freely view his files and even denies having them. Considering he has been lying and concealing for OVER 20 YEARS, he has proven he is NOT trustworthy. Nor is he really repentant or remorseful.

 

There is a very real possibility he has been secretly filming his own children, their friends and SO's, etc. That is enough of a reason to warrant telling them, considering they may have also been victims of this mans mental illness.

 

OP may choose to conceal her H's illness from them, but the truth is that he may have been violating other family members and guests. Hell, he may STILL be doing it. And she has no way to know because he is guarding his computer like a dragon guarding treasure.

[MJJean]

You are making assumptions that are not backed up by the evidence at hand.

 

On your first point, you would be amazed at what weird things that people get off on, scat and pee play are a thing after all.

 

Second how do you know that it's about the lack of permission for him? You don't, you are making assumptions and attempting to divine someone's thinking from very limited information.

 

Spyedon, I never said that what he did was justified, I said that his reluctance to talk to you about it is understandable given the way you and others in this thread are reacting.

 

This isn't some stranger, this is your companion of a quarter century.

 

Speaking of which, to all the "omg he could be dangerous" folks, the guy has been doing this for 25 years, if he was going to escalate to other behaviors he would have done so years ago.

 

Spyedon, you are in your rights to react however you feel is right I'm just trying to give you another perspective to consider.

 

This is a man who, by all descriptions, fits the definition of a voyeur. Voyeurs get off on doing it without consent, secretly, which is why it's still listed officially as a sexual dysfunction and the treatments recommended include multiple kinds of therapy and medications.

 

Not to mention, if it wasn't about watching without permission, he'd have asked.

 

Oh, and never mind the fact that the OP caught her H filming her a few times and made VERY CLEAR she did not want him to do so.

 

I don't care if it's a companion for 20 years or someone met last week, one person filming another in their most personal and intimate moments without permission is a gross violation of one's right to privacy in their own home and a very egregious violation of trust.

 

No one is reacting badly to his fetish or kink or whatever you want to call it. We're reacting badly to the violation of trust. We're reacting badly to the lies and concealment.

 

This is a man who KNEW how his wife felt about the subject. Instead of not doing it in the first place, or asking permission, he chose to violate her trust and privacy. Then he chose to blame shift, minimize, lie, and conceal as much as he can get away with.

 

If he wanted to have a trusting and authentic relationship with his wife that included his kink/fetish, all he had to do was ask for blanket permission to film her. She wouldn't know when the cameras were on, so his need would have been met and without causing such damage to his wife or their marriage.

 

You guys have to understand something. This is now a woman who will never go to the bathroom, take a shower, dress, put on her make-up, have herself a cleansing cry, or have sex again without wondering if she's being filmed without her permission. Because of the sick and selfish actions of her husband, the person she should be able to trust with her life, her home will never feel like a safe place again.

 

Oh, wait. Never mind. It's all ok because he had a fetish that his wife may have reacted badly to, so somehow that means he didn't do anything wrong by forcing her to participate in it without her permission.

[MJJean]

He has seen my therapist but didn't say much. He is still saying sorry , but I still need more help and lots of time To make a decision. I want to talk to someone who specializes in disorders like voyeurism to hear their thoughts.

 

I think seeing a specialist is a good idea. From what research I did on voyeurism, recovery takes a lot of intense therapy and the success rate is rather low. Seeing a specialist might increase his odds of correcting his behavior, if he wants to.

 

And that's the big thing. No therapy will be successful unless the patient is honest with the therapist AND wants to recover. Which is why the treatment success rate for voyeurs is so low. Most do not want to change and won't enter therapy without being compelled by either family or the courts.

[JamesM]

umm, because this scumbag has been secretly filming AT LEAST his wife while she was doing personal things, like pooping. He won't allow her to freely view his files and even denies having them. Considering he has been lying and concealing for OVER 20 YEARS, he has proven he is NOT trustworthy. Nor is he really repentant or remorseful.

 

Agree with this. But filming his wife does NOT at ALL mean he is filming children or even anyone else.

 

Actually, according to him, he has given her all of the files. We question that because we tend to be more suspicious. In those files, only she was filmed. Granted that doesn't prove there isn't anyone else.

 

As for 20 years, we don't know how often during those 20 years he filmed. No, that doesn't make it right.

 

There is a very real possibility he has been secretly filming his own children, their friends and SO's, etc.

 

Actually, there is NO real possibility because there is NO evidence. Besides, generally speaking if he was interested in watching him and her have sex, or just her, then it is unlikely that he got any joy from watching his children. Not only are they boys and juveniles, but they are his children. He gets excitement from her...a females. Going back to the first post, the OP states that she found videos of her. One can only wonder why if the husband left these in that stash, then why was there none of anyone else...if he filmed others?

 

My guess is that the only others he MAY have filmed are other females who visited IF that is even a possibility.

 

That is enough of a reason to warrant telling them, considering they may have also been victims of this mans mental illness.

 

First off, IF that is a REAL reason, then it gives some concern. But we have no reason to believe that it is a true reason to base this all on.

 

This is stretching it. Unless we hear differently, then there is really no proof at all that he filmed anyone other than his wife. He certainly may have filmed visitors, but that is still a far cry from filming his children. Again, most who are interested in pedophilia are not interested in adults. And certainly men interested in women are not so likely to be interested in male children.

 

OP may choose to conceal her H's illness from them, but the truth is that he may have been violating other family members and guests.

 

Now we are again speculating. He may have set up cameras in the neighbors' house too! Who knows, he may have set one up at City Hall! Nothing supports this at all. So assuming things and making decisions on assumptions is not only unfair to him but also to the children.

 

Creating a big case against this man will not help him nor her nor will it help the family.

 

Telling his children in that their father has an illness IF diagnosed by a therapist and with the help of a therapist is a valid idea.

 

No matter what he has done, he IS their father. Filming their mother secretly does not mean he is not a good father, nor does it mean at all that he violated their privacy at all.

 

Hell, he may STILL be doing it.

 

Could be. It also could be just as likely that he believes inside of himself that he needs help not only for him but also for his family. He may actually love his children enough to seek help. We just don't know. So speculating will only lead to erroneous conclusions.

 

And she has no way to know because he is guarding his computer like a dragon guarding treasure.

 

Did she ask to access it? All I can find is that the OP says it is password protected. If he is half intelligent and as evil as many assume, then hopefully he doesn't have anything on that computer anyhow.

 

What he did was wrong and violated the OP's privacy. I agree 100% with that. However, when it comes to the boys, making rash decisions based on faulty assumptions that are not proven can have devastating results for their future as well. And that not only will affect the relationship with their father, but it also may effect how they view their mother...and it may not be all good.

[Parannonx]

This is a man who, by all descriptions, fits the definition of a voyeur. Voyeurs get off on doing it without consent, secretly, which is why it's still listed officially as a sexual dysfunction and the treatments recommended include multiple kinds of therapy and medications.

 

It wasn't all that long ago that homosexuality was considered a dysfunction. And I've known plenty of voyeurs who are perfectly happy watching people who know that they are watching not to mention that there are plenty of people who get off on the idea of being watched.

 

Not to mention, if it wasn't about watching without permission, he'd have asked.

 

Oh, and never mind the fact that the OP caught her H filming her a few times and made VERY CLEAR she did not want him to do so.

 

You are still assuming things that have not been shown to be the case. I must have missed the part where the OP caught him in the past since I would assume that she wouldn't have been so shocked about finding out if she knew he wanted to do so.

 

 

I don't care if it's a companion for 20 years or someone met last week, one person filming another in their most personal and intimate moments without permission is a gross violation of one's right to privacy in their own home and a very egregious violation of trust.

 

No one is reacting badly to his fetish or kink or whatever you want to call it. We're reacting badly to the violation of trust. We're reacting badly to the lies and concealment.

 

That's BS and you know it. Have you actually read most of the replies? People have leapt from this to all the things that he may have been doing (despite no evidence supporting such possibilities)

 

I agree that violating his wife's privacy was wrong, the point that I am trying to make is that his not talking to her about it is understandable given the vitriol with which people are reacting.

 

 

 

This is a man who KNEW how his wife felt about the subject. Instead of not doing it in the first place, or asking permission, he chose to violate her trust and privacy. Then he chose to blame shift, minimize, lie, and conceal as much as he can get away with.

 

If he wanted to have a trusting and authentic relationship with his wife that included his kink/fetish, all he had to do was ask for blanket permission to film her. She wouldn't know when the cameras were on, so his need would have been met and without causing such damage to his wife or their marriage.

I do agree that ideally that is what he should have done, what I am attempting to explain is why he wouldn't have done it. Likely he was embarrassed about it and was afraid of how she would react.

 

Also understanding is not condoning.

 

You guys have to understand something. This is now a woman who will never go to the bathroom, take a shower, dress, put on her make-up, have herself a cleansing cry, or have sex again without wondering if she's being filmed without her permission. Because of the sick and selfish actions of her husband, the person she should be able to trust with her life, her home will never feel like a safe place again.

 

Read your line again, I understand the selfish part, but your description of it being sick clearly demonstrates that it's not just about the violation of privacy.

 

 

 

Oh, wait. Never mind. It's all ok because he had a fetish that his wife may have reacted badly to, so somehow that means he didn't do anything wrong by forcing her to participate in it without her permission.

 

No one is saying that what he did was right, what I am saying is that it is understandable that he was reluctant to share his kink with his wife.

 

As I said, not right, but understandable.

[MJJean]

Agree with this. But filming his wife does NOT at ALL mean he is filming children or even anyone else.

 

Except this flies in the face of logic. Unless he was running into the bathroom just before his wife OR he only filmed in a bathroom not used by anyone else...ever...then chances are he filmed others.

 

 

Actually, according to him, he has given her all of the files. We question that because we tend to be more suspicious. In those files, only she was filmed. Granted that doesn't prove there isn't anyone else.

 

We question his word because A) he proven himself a liar and not trustworthy and B) because he won't be transparent.

 

As for 20 years, we don't know how often during those 20 years he filmed. No, that doesn't make it right.

 

 

 

Actually, there is NO real possibility because there is NO evidence. Besides, generally speaking if he was interested in watching him and her have sex, or just her, then it is unlikely that he got any joy from watching his children. Not only are they boys and juveniles, but they are his children. He gets excitement from her...a females. Going back to the first post, the OP states that she found videos of her. One can only wonder why if the husband left these in that stash, then why was there none of anyone else...if he filmed others?

 

Again, logic. There is no evidence of others being filmed, but that doesn't mean he didn't film others. It just means that what his wife FOUND contained mostly her. which is logical since she'd be the easiest to record.

 

But she did say in a post that on one recording she could hear the children. Meaning, had any of them come into the room their mother was in, they'd have been filmed, too.

 

Was he getting off on the kids and visitors he may have filmed? Don't know. Did he share videos he took so others could get off on them? Don't know. But it's certainly well within the realm of possibility.

 

My guess is that the only others he MAY have filmed are other females who visited IF that is even a possibility.

 

Again, logic. Chances he DIDN'T film others, even accidentally, while trying to film his wife is pretty freakin low considering he was making covert recordings over a period of more than 20 YEARS.

 

 

 

First off, IF that is a REAL reason, then it gives some concern. But we have no reason to believe that it is a true reason to base this all on.

 

This is stretching it. Unless we hear differently, then there is really no proof at all that he filmed anyone other than his wife. He certainly may have filmed visitors, but that is still a far cry from filming his children. Again, most who are interested in pedophilia are not interested in adults. And certainly men interested in women are not so likely to be interested in male children.

It's not about his sexual interests. It doesn't matter if he filemd the kids accidentally or on purpose or if he ever used or allowed the footage to be used by another for sexual gratification. The fact that he was covertly filming is enough. THAT's the violation of others rights and trust all on it's own.

 

 

 

Now we are again speculating. He may have set up cameras in the neighbors' house too! Who knows, he may have set one up at City Hall! Nothing supports this at all. So assuming things and making decisions on assumptions is not only unfair to him but also to the children.

 

Creating a big case against this man will not help him nor her nor will it help the family.

 

Telling his children in that their father has an illness IF diagnosed by a therapist and with the help of a therapist is a valid idea.

 

No matter what he has done, he IS their father. Filming their mother secretly does not mean he is not a good father, nor does it mean at all that he violated their privacy at all.

 

No, it doesn't mean he has violated their privacy. But, considering he isn't a trustworthy person, don't you think the ADULT kids should now their father isn't someone they can trust in their homes or around their SO's?

 

And, btw, filming their mother DOES mean he is NOT a good father. A good father does not trample over the basic human rights of their children's mother, nor does he lie to and conceal from his children's mother nor does he violate her trust and privacy in such a heinous way.

 

He played with fire for 2 decades. Had he been caught at any time, he could have found himself divorced and facing criminal prosecution. Good fathers don't take those kinds of chances with their children's family and financial security.

 

 

 

Could be. It also could be just as likely that he believes inside of himself that he needs help not only for him but also for his family. He may actually love his children enough to seek help. We just don't know. So speculating will only lead to erroneous conclusions.

 

Yes, but the fact that he has lied, blame shifted, concealed, refuses to allow access to his computer, and just keeps popping off with lame "I'm sorry" doesn't exactly scream remorse and willingness to get help.

 

 

 

Did she ask to access it? All I can find is that the OP says it is password protected. If he is half intelligent and as evil as many assume, then hopefully he doesn't have anything on that computer anyhow.

 

Yes, she asked for access. He told her there was nothing there and refused access.

 

And I never said he was intelligent or evil. I could call him all kinda creeper and d*uchebag, but that doesn't mean he's evil or particularly intelligent.

 

What he did was wrong and violated the OP's privacy. I agree 100% with that. However, when it comes to the boys, making rash decisions based on faulty assumptions that are not proven can have devastating results for their future as well. And that not only will affect the relationship with their father, but it also may effect how they view their mother...and it may not be all good.

The "boys" are grown adults, so their futures aren't nearly as dependent on their parents.

 

Saying that coming out with this mans illness will effect his relationship with his adult children is fair. It should. He's not the person they thought he was either.

 

Saying it would change their view of their mother smells of victim shaming.