My username sums it up; I'm in shock

[Mr. Lucky]

Agree. Making rash decisions based on emotions would not be good. Making the same decision after all of the facts have been collected and reviewed would be better because at that point you know it was good as in only thinking it may be good.

 

I think you're right, if in no other way than a feeling that additional events will further force the OP's hand.

 

Either something she'll find or some action on her husband's part will make things even less tenable than they already are.

 

Given his "no big deal" position, hard to see him making the necessary changes. And that in itself will be an answer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spyedonfor20plus]

I'm still emailing with a local company trying to get the details and prices about having the computer swept. Of course I realize and have told him, he could have other devices that I will likely never find. He swears he doesn't. And as you all have said, his word means little.

 

Luckily I've been out of town a bit and then he has, so I'm getting "some" space. We see therapist together again tomorrow and I am seeing a Certified Sex Addiction therapist to get her thoughts and see if she is someone I'd like him to see.

 

Time and activities with loving friends have helped but I still am in the shock and numb stage and of course do not feel loving toward husband. For Valentine's Day I came home to flowers (again) (yawn) a card, and cookies. I did not get anything for him of course nor did I comment on his gifts. I know he is hoping in time I will just get over this. When he starts showing anger and stops being so extra nice like now I know his patience will have run out.

 

In thinking on my past and how and why this is so devastating , part of it is as a teenager I developed quickly physically and have always (well, until about age 40) had a very curvaceous figure. So many many times in my life I drew (mostly) unwanted sexual attention. One time in high school at age 16 I was just walking down the hallway and a guy walking toward me just reached out and grabbed my breast!). Creepy other thing have happened. But I was also intellectual so I wanted to be liked and loved more for my brains and character and sense of humor than my figure.

 

After being married so long then finding my supposedly loving husband is essentially the same creep that grabbed my boob... Messes me up to no end.

 

There, I've analyzed myself and don't need therapy. LOL

 

Thanks to all for your continued support and btw my Golden is hanging in there for now.

[privategal]

This happened weeks ago and you are still toying around with new therapists and no computer sweep.

And you feel no love to even give your husband a valentine but you wanna stay and live a lie.

My gosh after 20 some years shouldnt you be travelin together and having fun dining out with loving friends together having fun and celebrating life?

Instead your calling doctor after doctor, having him slowly investigated and barely speaking.

Tell me...is this the life and marriage you dreamt of?

Divorce this man.

Start fresh where you are safe and free.

What is this facade?

Keeping up with the Jones's?

Not wanting to give up the white picket fence?

When you bought the house did you dream you would have it turn into a den of secret spying, cameras in every corner stealing your private moments.

While he was reviewing the footage he sgould have been cuddling with you, dreaming up vacations, having wine and loving conversation.

He was locked away reviewing secret footage and abandoning you emotionally too.

Your trapped by inaction.

Its hard to watch you posting these updates while life passes you by and you can barely stomach your own husband but at least you have a home and the two cars and the bank account and living a lie for your adult sons right?

[spyedonfor20plus]

This happened weeks ago and you are still toying around with new therapists and no computer sweep.

And you feel no love to even give your husband a valentine but you wanna stay and live a lie.

My gosh after 20 some years shouldnt you be travelin together and having fun dining out with loving friends together having fun and celebrating life?

Instead your calling doctor after doctor, having him slowly investigated and barely speaking.

Tell me...is this the life and marriage you dreamt of?

Divorce this man.

Start fresh where you are safe and free.

What is this facade?

Keeping up with the Jones's?

Not wanting to give up the white picket fence?

When you bought the house did you dream you would have it turn into a den of secret spying, cameras in every corner stealing your private moments.

While he was reviewing the footage he sgould have been cuddling with you, dreaming up vacations, having wine and loving conversation.

He was locked away reviewing secret footage and abandoning you emotionally too.

Your trapped by inaction.

Its hard to watch you posting these updates while life passes you by and you can barely stomach your own husband but at least you have a home and the two cars and the bank account and living a lie for your adult sons right?

 

This is seriously harsh. I don't care about keeping up with anyone. I DO care about my sons and I won't apologize for that, or for not filing for divorce on anyone's time table but my own. I do understand your viewpoint though and have those thoughts every other day.

 

I have now seen a Certified Sex Therapist and she is great. She has confirmed what the marriage counselor didn't, that he has an addiction and I am in trauma. She doesn't want me to make ANY decisions for at least three months. I am to "clear space around me" for self care. He does need to see a sex therapist too. If we agree at some point there will be a "full disclosure" session. This is protocol for treating sex addictions.

 

His laptop has been sent for forensic sweeping.

 

This is an update and a record of these events for me.

 

Fell free to trash me again if you wish, but do not pity me or think I am weak. I challenge anyone to find what I found about a spouse of 25 years and be as (mostly) strong and level headed as I have been. It's called survival mode.

[MidwestUSA]

OP, I admire your strength, patience and resolve. I hope you find peace soon.

 

His 'little stunt' is just beyond my comprehension.

 

Wishing you the best, whatever the outcome.

[elaine567]

It seems YOU are still holding up the broken pieces of your marriage whilst he seems to be getting a free ride.

YOU are the busy bee trying vainly to mend your marriage, by consulting therapists, whilst he seems to be doing nothing and thinking "Shes a bit upset just now, but she'll get over it..."

He knows there is nothing in that lap top. His "collection" will be in clouds or flash drives and in hidden devices.

He has not been doing this for 25+ years, to make that simple mistake.

He may be still recording you in your house...

 

It is shame that is keeping you there.

[privategal]

It took a therapist to diagnose him with an addiction when you found the evidence of 25 years?

She said she doesnt want you to do anything for 3 months?

3 MONTHS? Doesnt even sound like a worthwhile timeline and also who cares what she wants...you found out almost 3 months ago so it will be like 6 months before its all said and done.

If your gonna follow the advice of staying around and not divorcing...why dont you seperate and remove yourself to heal?

Its because your covering for him and dont want anyone to know.

If it were heroin he was addicted to, do you think he could stop just because of discovery? This wont stop either. And now that your investigation is complete with the laptop and no one swept your home...he is likely back to business.

He sees your getting over it.

[JamesM]

I

If it were heroin he was addicted to, do you think he could stop just because of discovery? This wont stop either. And now that your investigation is complete with the laptop and no one swept your home...he is likely back to business.

He sees your getting over it.

 

Actually, the answer is yes, to your question about a heroin addict quitting due to confrontation, which invalidates your argument. Many addicts do recover thanks to a confrontation from a loved one. I personally know of one as I type this. If her family had not forced her to look at herself and her alcoholism, then she wouldn't have. And I know of a wonderful young lady who was bulimic and changed after being caught by her sister. I know of another young lady who was confronted about anorexia and she is in recovery. And yes, I know of a man who was a sex addict and so far for almost two years he has committed to change and is in counseling alone and with his wife.

 

So yes, change is very possible for all sorts of addicts. And change can often occur because a loved one confronts them. Yes, there is hope for this man too.

[bathtub-row]

I think the advice of the therapist is very good. When a person is in shock and trying to understand something so foreign to their thinking, it's important to step back and give yourself time to assess the situation. A 25-yr marriage is not something that can be walked away from easily, and it shouldn't be, in most cases.

 

I personally would be spinning from something like this and would need the time to wrap my head around it. Leaving at this point would most likely just complicate your feelings.

[turnera]

I think you're doing great. Good job finding the sex therapist, too. Follow her lead - SHE is the expert here.

[spyedonfor20plus]

Quick update for my record and for anyone else following this saga:

 

My therapist, a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, has suggested to me that my husband should go on into a month of sex addiction rehab. Even I was shocked.

 

My husbands therapist, a marriage and family counselor, who we have seen together, has just suggested to him that possibly the reason why he videotaped me all those times, for all those years, edited the videos, burned them on to DVDs, was that he was mad at me for lack of sex, and this was his "passive-aggressive" subconscious reaction.

 

I'm stunned once again.

[CarrieT]

Quick update for my record and for anyone else following this saga:

I'm still here!

 

My therapist, a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, has suggested to me that my husband should go on into a month of sex addiction rehab. Even I was shocked.

This does not seem unreasonable to me.

 

My husbands therapist, a marriage and family counselor, who we have seen together, has just suggested to him that possibly the reason why he videotaped me all those times, for all those years, edited the videos, burned them on to DVDs, was that he was mad at me for lack of sex, and this was his "passive-aggressive" subconscious reaction.

This seems like a crock-of-sh*t to me and that the therapist - who may not have experience with sexual fetishes - is grasping at straws....

[JamesM]

Quick update for my record and for anyone else following this saga:

 

My therapist, a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, has suggested to me that my husband should go on into a month of sex addiction rehab. Even I was shocked.

 

My husbands therapist, a marriage and family counselor, who we have seen together, has just suggested to him that possibly the reason why he videotaped me all those times, for all those years, edited the videos, burned them on to DVDs, was that he was mad at me for lack of sex, and this was his "passive-aggressive" subconscious reaction.

 

I'm stunned once again.

 

I am shocked too and think I have lost even more confidence in our mental health workers.

[Mr. Lucky]

My husbands therapist, a marriage and family counselor, who we have seen together, has just suggested to him that possibly the reason why he videotaped me all those times, for all those years, edited the videos, burned them on to DVDs, was that he was mad at me for lack of sex, and this was his "passive-aggressive" subconscious reaction.

 

I'm stunned once again.

 

The therapist may have meant "lack of sex based on your husband's needs".

 

 

Those needs may not have been reasonable, fulfillable or palatable to you or any other normal person. Not necessarily a reflection on you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

My husbands therapist, a marriage and family counselor, who we have seen together, has just suggested to him that possibly the reason why he videotaped me all those times, for all those years, edited the videos, burned them on to DVDs, was that he was mad at me for lack of sex, and this was his "passive-aggressive" subconscious reaction.

 

And what did your husband have to say about that, did he agree?

[elaine567]

I was under the impression that voyeurism was due to a person placing the satisfaction gained from the voyeuristic act above that of the satisfaction gained from normal sexual activity.

 

It is also often linked to OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) too. That does make sense to me, capturing the moment by stealth, requires some obsession to detail, then they file it away in an orderly fashion in DVDs, flash drives and clouds.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Spied on, why would you be shocked by what the sex therapist had to say(advise). If, as you say the person is a certified sex therapist then I guess she knows what she is talking about. It only goes to show that your husband's behaviour and actions are driven by some sort of disturbed mental processes and putting him in rehab will help correction of the distortion. On the other hand the marriage counsellor seems to be shooting in the dark.

So now what do you propose to do? I guess the rehab program will be costly but your husband may be able to claim insurance reimbursement on it. At any rate you have a lot on your plate and you should take your time in processing all the information now available to you Coolly as you have been doing until now. Warm wishes to you.

Edited February 27, 2016 by Just a Guy

[MidwestUSA]

Hi Spied on, why would you be shocked by what the sex therapist had to say(advise).

 

I read it as she was shocked by the length of the 'sentence', so to speak. I was thinking of a happy shock. I hope.

 

As for the therapist, I'm with Carrie. Sounds like a crock.

[elaine567]

As for the therapist, I'm with Carrie. Sounds like a crock.

 

She is perhaps just going on what he is telling her.

 

Blaming the wife is I guess easier than facing up to paraphilia, an issue within himself.

"She wouldn't give me sex, what was I supposed to do? I didn't want to cheat on her."

[Mr. Lucky]

Blaming the wife is I guess easier than facing up to paraphilia, an issue within himself.

 

Since I had to look up "paraphilia", my goal is now to use it in a conversation. Given my fairly boring life, don't like my chances...

 

Mr. Lucky

[turnera]

IDK, all this time, MY assumption is that he tapes you, and then whacks off to the videos.

 

Has this been discussed?

[turnera]

She is perhaps just going on what he is telling her.

 

Blaming the wife is I guess easier than facing up to paraphilia, an issue within himself.

"She wouldn't give me sex, what was I supposed to do? I didn't want to cheat on her."

 

I'm not sure she was blaming the wife so much as making a logical assumption. Not a judgment. SOMEthing in him is skewed, and he has come to learn that this is the way he wants to get sexual pleasure.

 

And I agree that it would take him a solid month in rehab to 'recondition' his brain to pull away from that choice. At LEAST a month. And that's only IF he wants to badly enough.

 

OP, it's smart of you to keep him at arm's length for the time being. If you let him come home, he has NO reason to fix this.

[ShatteredLady]

I've been following your thread & I'm so terribly sorry for everything that you're going through.

 

I've been through my own trauma & I'm so glad that I found this forum. It's truly made a difference in my life.

 

One thing I've noticed that happens in certain threads does concern me though. Sometimes members want things to happen so very fast! I felt this in my case.

 

I've been with my H for 26 years. That's an incredible chunk of my life. I met him just after my 21 birthday. We've grown-up together. We've shared so much life, good & bad. We have 2 incredible little children.

 

I was broken down & completely blindsided. I KNEW I was in shock & VERY damaged. I was in no state to make a HUGE life changing decision of any kind. I was becoming a sobbing wreck deciding what to cook for dinner!!

 

The written word is a strange thing. This kind of communication is so new. Before it was important for writing to have a fast moving plot, excitement, momentum. We've grown-up with TV, newspapers, magazines, ever decreasing attention spans.

 

Sometimes it feels like people don't consider the incredibly short timespan. What's 4 weeks out of 20 years? What's 6 months? I don't have to know exactly what I want right now. 26 years. Love. Family. Life. That deserves time, processing, investigating & trying things.

 

It's OK to not know! It's OK to be spinning in shock! It's ok to make many descisions a day only to reverse them in a minute. How on earth does anyone wrap their head around these devastating betrayals?

 

It takes time.

[elaine567]

I'm not sure she was blaming the wife so much as making a logical assumption. Not a judgment. SOMEthing in him is skewed, and he has come to learn that this is the way he wants to get sexual pleasure.

 

And I agree that it would take him a solid month in rehab to 'recondition' his brain to pull away from that choice. At LEAST a month. And that's only IF he wants to badly enough.

 

OP, it's smart of you to keep him at arm's length for the time being. If you let him come home, he has NO reason to fix this.

 

I wasn't suggesting SHE ie the therapist was blaming the wife, the husband will be suggesting to her, that somehow his paraphilia is NOT his fault and the nearest person for him to "blame" is the wife.

 

A month??? a 25 year habit will take a bit longer than a month in rehab to sort out I guess.

[turnera]

I wasn't suggesting SHE ie the therapist was blaming the wife, the husband will be suggesting to her, that somehow his paraphilia is NOT his fault and the nearest person for him to "blame" is the wife.

 

A month??? a 25 year habit will take a bit longer than a month in rehab to sort out I guess.

Agreed. But I've never seen a true addict change without at least a month fully removed from their 'life' in order to 're-start' what they use to cope.