My username sums it up; I'm in shock

[BettyDraper]

Agreed. But I've never seen a true addict change without at least a month fully removed from their 'life' in order to 're-start' what they use to cope.

 

This is true. It took a relocation and about 6 weeks for me to quit smoking marijuana daily.

 

I smoked heavily for 10 years and I had to completely retrain my mind and find healthier habits.

 

I agree that the OP's husband should not be coming home just yet.

[Rockdad]

If this husband had a clue he is most likely going to live in a sexless marriage plus be mentally spanked by a pissed off woman forever more, I suggest he should just pack his bags. It's an awful existence for both parties.

[spyedonfor20plus]

If this husband had a clue he is most likely going to live in a sexless marriage plus be mentally spanked by a pissed off woman forever more, I suggest he should just pack his bags. It's an awful existence for both parties.

 

Not as simple as this, Rockdad. This is what my husband is thinking too, though. I wish he was more thoughtful on this subject. But then, if he was more thoughtful, he wouldn't have done what he did, at least for as long as he did it.

 

For now, yea, no sex. I don't even much want to see or talk with the dude. And I'm not (only) pissed off. Just gobsmacked that he could and did do what he did.

 

BUT BUT. If I decide to stay, and WE work on this marriage together, it will not be a sexless marriage. Because, yea, what's the point of me staying either then? And I am not the type of person (nor do I have the energy) to "mentally spank" him for the rest of our lives. Geez. He should be mentally spanking himself...

[Leelou]

Sick...maybe

 

Underhanded...yes.

 

Illegal...questionable.

 

And that is the problem.

 

With all due respect, who cares if it's illegal or not? When a spouse does something to hurt you (like cheat on you), one doesn't stop to ask - "Is it illegal?"... no, rather, one reacts to being betrayed, to having one's trust violated, to being disrespected.

 

It doesn't matter whether the videotaping was or wasn't illegal. She sees another side to him now. A side that disrespected her privacy and now affects her sense of safety and security.

 

If he is capable of doing that to her, not once, not twice, but over and over again for two decades, he is probably capable of doing (or taking) anything of hers (her dignity, her security, her feeling of being respected), without being bothered in the least, by what she feels.

 

It's like a cheater saying there's no harm done if their spouse doesn't catch them.

 

And yes... there is always the strong possibility that he has shared these videos online. That is probably why he feels little remorse for what he's done to her - he is blasé, because his actions over the decades has blunted him to the enormity of what he's done. And I strongly suspect his deviancy over twenty years, has grown to sharing with others, his cache of videos.

[BlueIris]

Not as simple as this, Rockdad. This is what my husband is thinking too, though. I wish he was more thoughtful on this subject. But then, if he was more thoughtful, he wouldn't have done what he did, at least for as long as he did it.

 

For now, yea, no sex. I don't even much want to see or talk with the dude. And I'm not (only) pissed off. Just gobsmacked that he could and did do what he did.

 

BUT BUT. If I decide to stay, and WE work on this marriage together, it will not be a sexless marriage. Because, yea, what's the point of me staying either then? And I am not the type of person (nor do I have the energy) to "mentally spank" him for the rest of our lives. Geez. He should be mentally spanking himself...

 

It doesn't surprise me that he isn't mentally spanking himself because doing something for years and years that he knew you would not consent to proved that he feels entitled to do what he wants. Period. He will do what he wants for his pleasure even if it exploits others or frightens them or hurts them. I'm guessing that the only reason he's feigning remorse is because he does not want you to expose him- because people will think less of him.

 

Rockdad's suggestion that he might leave if he doesn't get sex makes sense to some extent because clearly this H clearly cares most about getting and doing what he wants. But it wouldn't be wise to leave because then he's at risk of exposure, to his kids, family, colleagues, community. He probably doesn't want that.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

I have been married for 25 years. Great, right? Well I thought so.

 

However, just one week ago my entire view/feelings of my husband changed in an instant. While looking for old videos of our children I found dvds and other video format cassettes containing, (I find this hard to put into words), over 20 YEARS of hidden video clips of me; in the shower, after the shower while naked, us making love, even, god help me, me using the bathroom.

 

I am ill. In shock. He obviously has a serious problem. I have no idea what I DIDN't find.

 

I tried to wait a day to get myself calmed down but couldn't. When I confronted him with what I found, he (instead of falling to his knees in dispair asking forgiveness) he immediately got defensive, saying they were for his use only (who knows?) he did it because we didn't have sex enough (OMG seriously; even if that were true it's no excuse)

 

Whatever; I am beyond hurt. No words really; my trust and everything are shattered. I am seeing a therapist to just try and wrap my mind around this. It is ILLEGAL for god's sake. What if our children (now 19 and 24) had ever found these??? The list goes on...

 

Please, anyone, thoughts. I can't imagine hurting my boys with a divorce but I at this time do not see how I can live with this man.

 

WOOOOOOOOW, that's even hard for me to believe I'm reading this. What to say tho, I don't know, honestly. I don't want to simplify it by saying something like "divorce him", cause from an emotional stand point, it might not be that easy for you. However, I ask you this... Could you ever trust him again after this, and if not, is that someone you want to be with forever?

[angelcake]

I would be checking bank statements, credit and debit card statements, searching for receipts, etc to see if he has purchased any spying equipment. Also, I would look for payments for ICloud or dropbox or some other type of storage. I would raid every inch of my house, garage, vehicles etc to see if he has flashdrives, discs, etc hidden. Also to see if he pays subscriptions for any type of online services where he may have uploaded the videos of you.

 

I would change the wifi password on my router and disallow him any internet service in case he is using something other than the one computer that you know about.

 

His phone would simply "disappear" while he was sleeping. I would look at the angles in which he would videotape and try to find where the cameras were hidden. I would also search other rooms in my house for cameras.

 

I would use other bathrooms in my house and hope they weren't bugged as well.

 

I cannot understand a therapist saying to stay with him, and in another breath saying he is a narcissist. Anybody knows you never recommend someone staying with a narcissist because you do not know what they are capable of.

 

You can bet your bottom dollar that you do NOT know half of the story. Of course he isn't going to tell you anymore than you have already figured out. That would be stupid on his part.

 

I had someone put spyware on my phone, so he was able to read all texts, see incoming calls, look at pics, read emails etc. That was about 3 yrs ago. It had went on for a few months. I forgave him but to this day I am paranoid as hell and it has messed with my mind. I am very paranoid. I don't think you will get over this as what happened to you is far worse.

 

Wish you the best of luck; please update us when you can.

[spyedonfor20plus]

Well, its almost 7 months after Dday. I have learned a lot; about husband, about myself, about what he did, and most of all, who he really is as a human being.

 

None of it is good. Well, except what I learned about myself. I. Am. Strong. I. Am. Worthy. I. Am. Decent. I. Deserve. Better. Dramatic I know...

 

Husband has shown himself to be a sociopath basically. He has minimized, blamed me, and never had any remorse or empathy for how I feel. That has been almost worse than what he actually did (the videotaping).

 

I have been in weekly therapy since January to deal with the trauma caused to me. My health issues come and go. The stress is unremitting. When he is out of town it is better but still.

 

My beloved golden retriever died in March. My 78yo mother is having health issues and will be having back surgery soon. She lives in another state so I have been flying back and forth. My 19yo son has decided to take another path and not attend college at this time.

 

Never fear, I am getting my proverbial "ducks in a row" for the next step. It's been a wild ride. I could write a book and fill it with some horrific things husband has said to me.

 

Bottom line, he STILL says he "can't understand" why I'm so upset about what he did. Even after 3 therapists (2 i saw and 1 he has seen twice now. Twice in 6 months.) told him he is either a sex addict or has a personality disorder.

 

One jewel of a comment he made: regarding the "criminality" of what he did. He said, "you keep bringing that up. But it wasn't a crime in the 90s when I did it."

 

WTF. It will all be over soon.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Spied, this last post of yours shows you have mastered your situation emotionally. I guess you've had a number of minefields in the path you've travelled since your DDay but you have successfully handled all of it and in the process have become wiser and much stronger. On the other hand your husband seems like a defective record which keeps playing the same groove over and over again. Guess he will never learn anything from now to kingdom come.

From what you have written it appears that you are contemplating divorce. I think, in the circumstances that may be the best thing you could do for the sake of your sanity and emotional welfare. Away from the toxicity of your domestic situation, I am sure you will eventually regain your equanimity and again look at the world with hope and enthusiasm. In the meanwhile, the parting of ways will probably act as the catalyst for change, if at all possible, for your husband. So all power to you in whatever you decide and the very best of wishes.

[Mr. Lucky]

Even after 3 therapists (2 i saw and 1 he has seen twice now. Twice in 6 months.)

 

Didn't have to read any further than this. If he's not going to address his issues, nothing you can do.

 

Sorry it ended this way and hope your transition goes as smoothly as it can. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

He is truly delusional. It's amazing how many sociopaths walk this planet.

 

Sorry about your mother and the dog.

 

You are all the things you said and more. Look to the future minus your H.

[turnera]

I'm glad you're getting your ducks in a row. That's all you can do.

[lovey34]

omg im so sorry! i can't imagine. i wouldnt ever go to the cops myself. but i probably wouldnt stick around in a marriage either. this is a tough decision.