My username sums it up; I'm in shock

[MJJean]

I've read a number of the posts on this thread and while I empathise with the OP for a violation of her privacy and invasion of her personal well being what I cannot understand is why everyone is jumping to the conclusion that he is criminally inclined and a possible danger to to other people and children.

 

He demonstrates impulse control issues, seems to think he is entitled to force unwilling and unknowing participation in his fetish, has demonstrated a complete lack of respect, empathy, or authenticity. Should I go on? He's clearly shown he has at least one mental disorder.

 

The correct way to handle his fetish would have been to ask for blanket permission to record his "unknowing" wife. What he did for 20 years, seemingly without conscience, is beyond the pale.

 

These are NOT the actions of a mentally healthy or trustworthy person.

 

Will or has he escalated? We don't know. But only a fool would discount the heinousness of his actions and the possibility this is the tip of the iceberg.

[MJJean]

There is no other issue than an invasion of privacy which violates every aspect of the trust that we all have in our marriages. Yes, it is wrong.

 

No, no, no! What he did goes well beyond that. He not only violated her privacy. He completely misrepresented who he is. He lied and concealed what is apparently a big part of his sexuality and psychology from his wife for over 20 years. He violated her trust 6 ways to Sunday. And that's not even going into the psychological and emotional side effects victims of voyeurs suffer.

 

 

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=victim%20of%20voyeur

[spyedonfor20plus]

His act could be illegal , unethical ...

 

But for God sake , why we are always looking at things from black and white perspectives .

 

the guy is not defended legally , but we are hearing one side of the story , op part .

 

if he is rejected sexually or they mismatch ; would it have been better that he cheats or divorce ?

 

he fantsaized about a lady to satisfy his sexual needs; with his own wife , would it be better that he goes to adultary .

 

I am not accusing op that she is not satisfying him , she knows better if she is ; what I am saying is that he ssems to be HD and his wife LD ; what options he has other than divorcing , or adultary ?

 

I respect the guy who sacrificied his own needs to raise a family though his act is not legal or ethical .

 

the issue is not just videotaping her without her permission , the issue is that they are not compatible ; if they were he wouldn't have done it .

 

Again , he did a big mistake , but we are human , are we saints?

Op , don't look at the surface , go deeper and try to be in his shoes, you are hurt and have the right for it ; but if this is the facts now , what do you want to do ?

 

you can't change his needs, you need to be frank with yourself and decide if you can adapt and change or not ...

 

 

Wow. You are unbelievable. You RESPECT him? I don't know why I'm wasting my time responding to you but I can't help it. He has a voyeurism problem. That is not just a "need" I'm not or can't satisfy.

 

And by the way, in most EVERY other way we are compatible, otherwise 'I" would have figured that out, and would never have initially married him or stayed married. And also why this has come as such a major shock.

 

I WILL NOT try to empathize with him. What kind of person are you. Why the F should I change to accomodate this?

[StBreton]

Wow. You are unbelievable. You RESPECT him? I don't know why I'm wasting my time responding to you but I can't help it. He has a voyeurism problem. That is not just a "need" I'm not or can't satisfy.

 

And by the way, in most EVERY other way we are compatible, otherwise 'I" would have figured that out, and would never have initially married him or stayed married. And also why this has come as such a major shock.

 

I WILL NOT try to empathize with him. What kind of person are you. Why the F should I change to accomodate this?

 

Spyed on...please don't let the opinion of one detract from the fact that most of the posters feel what your H did is completely wrong.

 

There will always be those who have very loosy goosy boundaries shall we say...who will look upon you as the one who has the problem because you have such strict "black and white" boundaries...oh pleeeeaaze ... believe in your initial reaction...what was done to YOU was just plain wrong...focus on that...yes you have loved your H and he has been compatible in most other ways...but that made it easy for him to operate his little side thing. That to me is very disturbing.

 

As you're asking for opinions, you'll certainly garner opinions from those who actually might have the same proclivity of that of your H...so think about that. Those individuals will try to make it ok with what they do...and try to make you wrong for how you feel about it. Please don't feel you must engage with those individuals...nor defend your stance..

 

You've received excellent advice from those on this forum who are regular, balanced contributors... look at the posting history of the posters...as well as how well their advice is received...you're better off taking into consideration the advice of those who consistently give balanced advice and negate the opinions of those who are new or do not give balanced advice.

 

It's my personal opinion that if the numbers of postings equals the number of "likes" or the likes exceed the number of postings, the poster has given great advice on a consistent basis...and I will take their advice under consideration. If I'm on the fence about a situation, I'll often look at the ratio.

Edited January 23, 2016 by StBreton

[Tayla]

This. What a couple does with complete consent and in the privacy of their own home is not up for judgement from others.

 

The problem is that the OP's husband did not ask for permission and he tried to make her anger seem unjustified.

 

Great! So when couples kidnap kids and keep them in the confines of their home, who is the public to be of concern? Yes hubby and wifey poo should not have anyone snooping in on their perverted habits . Since they are BOTH consenting.Just ask Jaycee Dugard.

 

Actually behaviors of perversions can be judged and assessed. Most humans carry that ability. It keeps us in check sometimes. Or sends us down paths of deplorable conditions.

 

I agree that on the basic level the man used covert measures to appease his perversion. I am more concerned with how some commentary is defending this action ... That is the real kicker.

Not a fan of the "Just join the perversion whats the big deal mentality"

[Tayla]

Wow. You are unbelievable. You RESPECT him? I don't know why I'm wasting my time responding to you but I can't help it. He has a voyeurism problem. That is not just a "need" I'm not or can't satisfy.

 

And by the way, in most EVERY other way we are compatible, otherwise 'I" would have figured that out, and would never have initially married him or stayed married. And also why this has come as such a major shock.

 

I WILL NOT try to empathize with him. What kind of person are you. Why the F should I change to accomodate this?

 

Thank You OP. You have some healthy boundaries. Good to see you stand your ground. Wish This wasn't happening to you in your marriage.I can not imagine the betrayal you feel...

[StBreton]

Thank You OP. You have some healthy boundaries. Good to see you stand your ground. Wish This wasn't happening to you in your marriage.I can not imagine the betrayal you feel...

 

There ya go OP...way to go sticking up for yourself...even on this site with those who have loose boundaries.

 

You're spot on with how you feel...now what your next steps are, that's where you must focus. Lots of great advice in that regard on this thread.

[spyedonfor20plus]

Thank you to all with sympathetic responses, level-headed responses, good advice, and experiences. They have all given me food for thought. And occassionally a laugh, which I badly need right now.

 

I have seen a therapist twice now. He wants to see my spouse alone first, then with me. However, I am not sure therapy as a couple will help AT THIS POINT IN TIME.

 

It wouldn't hurt to see if he would even consider going by himself, and speaking openly to another man about what he has done. If he will not go that tells me enough.

 

I am in contact with an attorney who comes recommended. I want to see the law's perspective on all of this.

 

I am certainly not jumping at having him arrested.

 

I will be looking in to having the house "swept" if that is even possible.

 

Our sons are 19 and 24, so thankfully, the "raising" part is pretty much over. However, this will devastate them. My younger son just sent me a text this morning that broke my heart; he is just back at college from skiing and wants us all to take a "family skiing trip to Colorado" next winter. We have had many great family trips, even overseas. This is killing me as I type it.

 

Another interesting part to this, which maybe I should have noted earlier. At one time, about 5-6 years ago, New Years eve, I was feeling and looking very good and we were at a hotel. Granted, I was drunk at the time but do remember all. I asked if he wanted to take some pictures of me; of course he said yes. In the next few days, I was so uncomfortable with the thought, I asked him to delete them. He got out his phone and showed me they were gone.

 

Guess what else I found? A flash drive with all of those pictures from that night.

 

Thank you again for all of the comments. Please keep them coming and I will keep you updated. Who knows, maybe you will see us on a news show... I certainly have searched the internet and have never found quite this story.

 

And, yes, I actually would have preferred that he had an affair.

[Mr. Lucky]

Another interesting part to this, which maybe I should have noted earlier. At one time, about 5-6 years ago, New Years eve, I was feeling and looking very good and we were at a hotel. Granted, I was drunk at the time but do remember all. I asked if he wanted to take some pictures of me; of course he said yes. In the next few days, I was so uncomfortable with the thought, I asked him to delete them. He got out his phone and showed me they were gone.

 

I hope no one tries to conflate this with your original post, obviously two very different situations.

 

Those that suggest an alternate universe scenario where you might have incorporated his activities into your marriage miss the point - if you took away the clandestine and secretive nature of what he's done, bet it would lose its attraction for him. His "kink" isn't the nudity and or/sex, it's the very lack of consent that bothers you most.

 

Certainly makes couples counseling a dicey proposition ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[StBreton]

Thank you to all with sympathetic responses, level-headed responses, good advice, and experiences. They have all given me food for thought. And occassionally a laugh, which I badly need right now.

 

I have seen a therapist twice now. He wants to see my spouse alone first, then with me. However, I am not sure therapy as a couple will help AT THIS POINT IN TIME.

 

It wouldn't hurt to see if he would even consider going by himself, and speaking openly to another man about what he has done. If he will not go that tells me enough.

 

I am in contact with an attorney who comes recommended. I want to see the law's perspective on all of this.

 

I am certainly not jumping at having him arrested.

 

I will be looking in to having the house "swept" if that is even possible.

 

Our sons are 19 and 24, so thankfully, the "raising" part is pretty much over. However, this will devastate them. My younger son just sent me a text this morning that broke my heart; he is just back at college from skiing and wants us all to take a "family skiing trip to Colorado" next winter. We have had many great family trips, even overseas. This is killing me as I type it.

 

Another interesting part to this, which maybe I should have noted earlier. At one time, about 5-6 years ago, New Years eve, I was feeling and looking very good and we were at a hotel. Granted, I was drunk at the time but do remember all. I asked if he wanted to take some pictures of me; of course he said yes. In the next few days, I was so uncomfortable with the thought, I asked him to delete them. He got out his phone and showed me they were gone.

 

Guess what else I found? A flash drive with all of those pictures from that night.

 

Thank you again for all of the comments. Please keep them coming and I will keep you updated. Who knows, maybe you will see us on a news show... I certainly have searched the internet and have never found quite this story.

 

And, yes, I actually would have preferred that he had an affair.

 

OP...glad you are able to get some comfort and direction with this dilemma.

 

Just food for thought...sometimes proclivities run in families...I know you do not wish to discuss this with your boys at this time, but maybe discuss with your therapist if your children are at risk for developing aberrant behaviors like this and possibly discussing the issue their dad has with them...when you're comfortable...and talking with them about what to do with feelings they have if they feel the need to do aberrant things.

[anika99]

Great! So when couples kidnap kids and keep them in the confines of their home, who is the public to be of concern? Yes hubby and wifey poo should not have anyone snooping in on their perverted habits . Since they are BOTH consenting.Just ask Jaycee Dugard.

 

Actually behaviors of perversions can be judged and assessed. Most humans carry that ability. It keeps us in check sometimes. Or sends us down paths of deplorable conditions.

 

I agree that on the basic level the man used covert measures to appease his perversion. I am more concerned with how some commentary is defending this action ... That is the real kicker.

Not a fan of the "Just join the perversion whats the big deal mentality"

 

I'm on the OPs side and agree with everyone saying the husbands actions were plain wrong but the above was over the top as Betty clearly was talking about sex between consenting adults and I agree with her that whatever sexual behaviour consenting adults want to engage in behind closed doors is nobody's business but their own. It goes without saying that all participants need to be of legal age and consenting.

[Tayla]

anika, you are right. Thanks for clarifying though.

 

I have a problem with blanket statements . Its my little quirk .

 

so when someone says " You can do anything!" , the Op's Husband must of taken it as a blanket statement and proceeded to do his "any"thing.

 

Appreciate that you felt it important to speak your view.

 

My support is towards the Op... she seems genuine...

[JamesM]

You do not have a logical point, and that's the part which you can't grasp.

 

I never used the word logical. And yes, I do grasp what you are saying. Because this man did not ask permission to take pictures, then he is defined as a voyeur. This he is. If he had asked to take pictures, then he would no longer be a voyeur by definition. Your point about him hiding his true self and all is because he never asked permission. I am not minimizing what he did. In fact, I find it weird and abhorrent. Personally, I find no enjoyment it doing what he did nor do I find it normal.

 

But if he had done this all with the OP's permission and for whatever reason she liked it, then while I might find it unexciting and weird, it would be consensual and hence, no thread.

 

That is logical and my point.

 

 

That the person victimizing his wife for all these years did not disclose his true self, is his major offense, while any specifics involving how that played out, are secondary.

 

Correct. Back to my point. If he had asked permission twenty years ago to film his wife and then abided by her decision, then he would not have hidden his true self because she would have known it. Because it is possible that part of the enjoyment was from her not knowing, then he proved to be an untrustworthy man who is not worthy of her trust or commitment.

 

The major relevant difference between this OP and Hillary Clinton is that so far our OP doesn't know whether the rest of the world is pointing and laughing, (in this case doubly) at her expense.

 

Now THIS is confusing. First off, Bill had affairs and one night stands. He did not have a hidden fetish that involved Hilary. Second, much has been written about the Clinton marriage, and many suspect that she knew much more than she revealed publicly. And third, not that many laughed at HER. Most sympathized with her (including myself as a Republican). Many many more jokes were made about Bill than about Hilary. SO what is relevant?

[Sassy Girl]

Why are people so easily offended by fetishes?

 

This guy has a repressed voyeuristic fetish he was probably too embarrassed to talk about.

 

Give him a break...

 

He did the right thing by focusing his fetish on his wife only and remaining faithful to her.

 

This is your husband, spyedon. This is the man you've been with for 20 years. Have some compassion and accept him for who he is.

 

So you found out he has a weird fetish. That doesn't make him a different person. In fact, this isn't even that weird of a fetish.

 

There are a lot worse guys out there than a guy who loves his wife so much, he makes her the main object of his fetish for 20 years while raising 2 kids and being faithful.... jeez.

 

There's just the little issue about consent. He violated her. Being Married doesn't excuse that at all.

[MJJean]

Now THIS is confusing. First off, Bill had affairs and one night stands. He did not have a hidden fetish that involved Hilary. Second, much has been written about the Clinton marriage, and many suspect that she knew much more than she revealed publicly. And third, not that many laughed at HER. Most sympathized with her (including myself as a Republican). Many many more jokes were made about Bill than about Hilary. SO what is relevant?

 

The Bill and Hillary thing falls apart for me.

 

Bill and Hillary Clinton chose to become public figures and did so knowing they would lose privacy and be under the near constant eye of the public. And even though they threw their hats into the ring knowing journalists and the federal government would inspect their entire lives and analyze nearly everything they did or said, they still held on to the reasonable expectation of privacy in their bathroom!

 

Our OP's husband may have shared or posted some of his videos of her in her most private moments online where they may have been viewed by hundreds, thousands, or even millions of people. She never signed up for or consented to that loss of privacy.

[dreamingoftigers]

Spyed on...please don't let the opinion of one detract from the fact that most of the posters feel what your H did is completely wrong.

 

There will always be those who have very loosy goosy boundaries shall we say...who will look upon you as the one who has the problem because you have such strict "black and white" boundaries...oh pleeeeaaze ... believe in your initial reaction...what was done to YOU was just plain wrong...focus on that...yes you have loved your H and he has been compatible in most other ways...but that made it easy for him to operate his little side thing. That to me is very disturbing.

 

As you're asking for opinions, you'll certainly garner opinions from those who actually might have the same proclivity of that of your H...so think about that. Those individuals will try to make it ok with what they do...and try to make you wrong for how you feel about it. Please don't feel you must engage with those individuals...nor defend your stance..

 

You've received excellent advice from those on this forum who are regular, balanced contributors... look at the posting history of the posters...as well as how well their advice is received...you're better off taking into consideration the advice of those who consistently give balanced advice and negate the opinions of those who are new or do not give balanced advice.

 

It's my personal opinion that if the numbers of postings equals the number of "likes" or the likes exceed the number of postings, the poster has given great advice on a consistent basis...and I will take their advice under consideration. If I'm on the fence about a situation, I'll often look at the ratio.

 

But I posted on LS long before the "like" button was here!

 

:(

 

People aren't going to go back and look at my 2010 posts to like them. Therefore my likes:posts ratio will be lower.

 

:(

[JamesM]

But I posted on LS long before the "like" button was here!

 

:(

 

People aren't going to go back and look at my 2010 posts to like them. Therefore my likes:posts ratio will be lower.

 

:(

 

I know. And based on this logic, those who simply chatter on Off Topic threads and Song title threads will be viewed as less intelligent when compared to some who simply post infrequently.

 

Personally, I go back and look at the history of the person, and read the "tone" of their responses.

 

But in reality, one really doesn't get a good idea of who is who until he or she has been here for awhile.

 

I think most can tell what good feedback is even if one disagrees with it. I can tell when advice is given from the heart or from the mind versus coming from someone who seems to be an armchair quarterback.

[StBreton]

But I posted on LS long before the "like" button was here!

 

:(

 

People aren't going to go back and look at my 2010 posts to like them. Therefore my likes:posts ratio will be lower.

 

:(

 

Tiger ...you're one of the best posters on here:)

 

I didn't realize the "like" was more recent. But I've not gone and ckd your like : post ratio ... Because your posts are logical, thoughtful, considerate and convey a depth of experience and knowledge.

[StBreton]

I know. And based on this logic, those who simply chatter on Off Topic threads and Song title threads will be viewed as less intelligent when compared to some who simply post infrequently.

 

*****Personally, I go back and look at the history of the person, and read the "tone" of their responses.******

 

But in reality, one really doesn't get a good idea of who is who until he or she has been here for awhile.

 

I think most can tell what good feedback is even if one disagrees with it. I can tell when advice is given from the heart or from the mind versus coming from someone who seems to be an armchair quarterback.

 

***** I do that as well. Nowadays ...since I've been on here a bit, I just know the posters and which ones to trust. With the OP being new and such a dilemma, she doesn't know which way to turn or whom to rely.

[Cablebandit]

I don't see why we can't agree that different people have different sets of boundaries. I do not think any opinion is right or wrong here regardless of a consensus. It is up to the OP to decide what best fits her. None of us are judge/jury...just people with all different perspectives in life offering up advise.

 

OP please let us know what you decide and how things progress if it is not too painful for you to do so. Good luck!

[privategal]

I honestly am in shock that staying and counseling are an option.

Even the lying about the pictures he said were "gone" shows the deciet and darkness is deep within him. You dont even know him now.

He's caused you to live a lie due to his double life. Its sick but it was premedidated sickness not a medical disorder.

Nothing should make this right.

Its scary and so cruel. Praying the counselor tells you this and the lawyer.

Even his lack of apology omg.

Please dont stay.

Edited January 23, 2016 by privategal

[spyedonfor20plus]

More discussion last night.

 

He said he stopped ten years ago. Can't explain why. He says the time I caught him 4 months ago was just an opportunity. And "just" a photo not video. Of course I do not believe any of it.

 

Here's the part that has actually made this worse (as if it could get any worse): he said he doesn't have a fetish, so "why" I ask. He said he did it because after I had our first son (24 years ago) my attention was focused more on the children and less on him". Which he GRACIOUSLY said was the way it should be. (Sarcasm on my part with caps). So that's how he dealt with "lack of attention."

 

He says he know it was wrong and is very very sorry. I asked if he would see my counselor alone on Monday and he said yes.

 

I'm even more blown away at his explanation and I told him so. What an unselfish Bastard! How did I not see him like this 24 years ago. I can hardly eat or sleep. I have no good choice here. Divorce and my future with a family that was in my mind is over. Stay and risk being with a voyeur and at minimum someone I despise right now and don't think knows what love is.

 

I've tried to stay out of the house today as much as possible. He has not asked where I have been and is walking on eggshells. Seemingly.

[privategal]

Whats the end game with you having him see your counselor?

Isnt that is a waste of time?

Edited January 24, 2016 by privategal

[MJJean]

More discussion last night.

 

He said he stopped ten years ago. Can't explain why. He says the time I caught him 4 months ago was just an opportunity. And "just" a photo not video. Of course I do not believe any of it.

 

Here's the part that has actually made this worse (as if it could get any worse): he said he doesn't have a fetish, so "why" I ask. He said he did it because after I had our first son (24 years ago) my attention was focused more on the children and less on him". Which he GRACIOUSLY said was the way it should be. (Sarcasm on my part with caps). So that's how he dealt with "lack of attention."

 

He says he know it was wrong and is very very sorry. I asked if he would see my counselor alone on Monday and he said yes.

 

I'm even more blown away at his explanation and I told him so. What an unselfish Bastard! How did I not see him like this 24 years ago. I can hardly eat or sleep. I have no good choice here. Divorce and my future with a family that was in my mind is over. Stay and risk being with a voyeur and at minimum someone I despise right now and don't think knows what love is.

 

I've tried to stay out of the house today as much as possible. He has not asked where I have been and is walking on eggshells. Seemingly.

 

He's clearly lying, shifting blame, and making excuses.

 

Your husband has been concealing his sexuality and true personality from you for over 20 years. He never was the person you thought he was. The family you thought you had never existed. Don't throw your remaining years away for the sake of something that wasn't real.

[acrosstheuniverse]

This is just horrible. I am so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine the pain at having what you thought was the relationship and what you thought was your future ripped away. At this stage, although it's easier said than done, however, I'd be considering it a sunk investment. No point throwing good years of your life after bad. If I had a husband do this, and he apologised sincerely, was distraught, told me himself rather than waiting until I found the tapes and then signed himself up to therapy, i.e. actually acted like he realised he was wrong and put some effort into trying to salvage things and show me how sorry he was, I'd possibly, possible consider working on the relationship. But his responses so far, the fact he only confessed when you caught him out, sorry but that would probably help love turn to hate and make that decision to walk away all the easier.

 

I know it's hard but please try to think of yourself right now, and not your kids. Your kids are adults and although divorce would be tough for them, they'll cope. And even if they never know the truth, and I would recommend you don't scar them and make them requestion their own family history based on this new knowledge, I'm sure that your sons would want to knock ten bells of hell out of their father for doing this to their mother and support you in leaving.

 

I'd feel like I'd been raped. Sure, you had sex with him consensually, but you did not consensually have sex with him WHILE HAVING IT FILMED, he took away your right to decide whether or not you felt comfortable having intimate shots of your genitals, you sexual response, your bathroom habits for christ's sake away from you. It's deception. There was a case recently in the UK where a woman who had been pretending to be a man blindfolded her female lover, had sex with her using a sex toy, and then later on she found out it was actually a woman she'd been intimate with, and not a man. Whatever you may think about how someone could not know that the person sleeping with them is a different gender, she would never have consented to that sexual act if she'd known it was a woman. The woman got convicted of rape/sexual assaulted and imprisoned. This feels similar to me. You have a right not to have sex on camera, he didn't think to ask you, he just went ahead and did it.

 

Definitely keep those tapes as evidence. I mean, if he's been filming you using the toilet, assumedly he was also filming guests and your children using the bathroom too. Honestly, I have no idea how I would react if I found my friend's partner had been filming me taking a leak over at their place. I would hit the roof and contact the police.