My username sums it up; I'm in shock

[standtall]

Spy...this is my first post in like 3 yrs and after skimming this massive thread and getting an overall fell for this, I have a couple of things to mention.

 

1. Yes, you have been violated and it sucks. You sound like you have lost your respect for him, and that alone will slowly destroy your marriage.

2. There are people on here that would encourage you to blow everything up by reporting it to the police, etc.. Think carefully, as it will effect you, your children, and most likely everyone you know..most likely negatively. personally, I think those posters have a different sick kind of voyourism by trying to get you to crash a train an watching what happens while getting off on it.

3. Only you can decide what the line is as far as reporting it to the authorities...good luck.

[ChickiePops]

I appreciate that you have not forgotten empathy and compassion while not giving Op's H a free pass. .

 

Can you please elaborate? Why does a liar deserve compassion? He doesn't have secret cancer, he has secret video of his wife at her most vulnerable.

[spyedonfor20plus]

It just seems really critical that you act swiftly and quickly. It seems like you are taking your time but this is your life. Its so short and precious. I dont know if you are just in a state of shock or what but the calls and things should be well under way.its like your kindof being passive saying "I'll ask for the password and see his reaction"

Meanwhile he violated you in the most vile way. You've given him time to get his story straight, hide evidence.

You are not a professional.

You cannot sir back though.

This is scary. What if he starts to get overwhelmed with fear of being exposed. Would he do something desperate? Have you been able to confide in family? Your operating in a vacuum and it seems you need more help and support to take some action.

This is not ok.

Im truly worried for you.

 

Privategal,

I truly appreciate your concern and advice, as well as others on here. This issue is serious, and as upset as I am.I am trying to make calm decisions and actions

For many reasons one of which is my safety.

 

I have made an appointment with an attorney for next Tuesday. I plan to.ask about my legal rights regarding my having his computer professionally swept. And many other issues.

 

My therapist isn't taking his voyeurism very seriously IMO. He does believe my husband is a narcissist.

 

I want to have his computer checked ASAP to see if there is more to this or not

 

I have confided everything to a close friend who happens to be my next door neighbor. We are in daily contact, for my safety.

 

I will try and keep you updated.

 

Thank you all again for.your continued help and concern.

[MJJean]

Considering voyeurism is still considered a disorder by the DSM, along with the incredibly damaging betrayal of trust and violation of privacy, if your therapist isn't taking it seriously I suggest getting a new therapist.

[WaitingForBardot]

Privategal,

I truly appreciate your concern and advice, as well as others on here. This issue is serious, and as upset as I am.I am trying to make calm decisions and actions

For many reasons one of which is my safety.

 

I have made an appointment with an attorney for next Tuesday. I plan to.ask about my legal rights regarding my having his computer professionally swept. And many other issues.

 

My therapist isn't taking his voyeurism very seriously IMO. He does believe my husband is a narcissist.

 

I want to have his computer checked ASAP to see if there is more to this or not

 

I have confided everything to a close friend who happens to be my next door neighbor. We are in daily contact, for my safety.

 

I will try and keep you updated.

 

Thank you all again for.your continued help and concern.

Two things...

 

At least where I am, since you are married, his computer would be considered both of your property in the legal sense. If the laws are the same where you are, why not just take it while he's out and deliver it to a forensics expert. Be careful of who you take it to though; there was a case here where a couple of (IIRC geek squad) employees were charged because they had made copies of compromising files recovered from a woman's computer and shared them.

 

And having a friend in contact every day does not make you safe, it just confirms you are safe at some specific point in time.

[BlueIris]

Two things...

 

At least where I am, since you are married, his computer would be considered both of your property in the legal sense. If the laws are the same where you are, why not just take it while he's out and deliver it to a forensics expert. Be careful of who you take it to though; there was a case here where a couple of (IIRC geek squad) employees were charged because they had made copies of compromising files recovered from a woman's computer and shared them.

 

And having a friend in contact every day does not make you safe, it just confirms you are safe at some specific point in time.

 

I agree. ^^

I’d google forensic computer analyst and make sure that they’re qualified to testify in your local courts and that they have testified- just in case.

One thing I would want to know is what voyeur sites he visits because I’d want to search them, or have someone search them.

[MJJean]

And whoever said "this is now a woman who will never go to the bathroom, take a shower, dress, or have sex again without wondering if she's being filmed..." Nailed it. I do not feel safe nor comfortable in this house or would in any other. He did this in three different houses and hotel rooms.

 

That was me and there is a reason I nailed it. I've been there.

 

2. There are people on here that would encourage you to blow everything up by reporting it to the police, etc.. Think carefully, as it will effect you, your children, and most likely everyone you know..most likely negatively. personally, I think those posters have a different sick kind of voyourism by trying to get you to crash a train an watching what happens while getting off on it.

 

I never encourage anyone to do anything I haven't or wouldn't do myself.

 

In this case, I encouraged informing the family, going to the police (if applicable in her state) and "blowing everything up" because that is exactly what I did.

 

My exH and I were separated. I kept the townhouse and he went back to his mothers. He was supposed to watch our kids so I could work and pay my rent as he wasn't working or paying child support. He took off for 3 days to hook up with someone he met online who lived in another state. I lost my job as I had no one to sit for me. So, I ended up moving temporarily to his parents house, too.

 

It was very clear we were not reconciling and we were both dating. I had a room, the kids had a room, his parents had a room, and he couch surfed between his parents house and his friends houses.

 

Believe me, I would have never lived at my MIL and FIL's with him if I'd had anywhere else to go.

 

My then BF and now DH came over to the house regularly and got on well with my soon to be ex MIL and FIL. He'd just finished his certification and had recently gotten a job in his field, so we were saving for a rental house and appliances, etc.

 

About 2 months before we moved out, I started organizing and packing up things the kids and I left around the house that we didn't need out. While I was at it, I decided to do some deep cleaning for MIL. I found numerous devices and even a few holes in the wall behind lamp shades and pictures. They were all looking into my bedroom and the bathroom.

 

Unfortunately, I never found the recordings nor did I find any pictures. The police said there was nothing they could do without evidence.

 

I did tell everyone who lived in the house and the people who regularly came over. I thought they had a right to know.

 

Living there with him after that was driving me insane. Then BF and now DH used to pinch some from savings every week so we could stay at a hotel together, away from his roommates and my exH. It was the only time I could relax even for a minute until I was able to move.

 

Once then BF/now DH, the kids, and I moved, we didn't allow him in the house AT ALL, EVER.

[KissKattBar]

It doesn't even have to be a fetish.

It could just be love.

It's kind of endearing that he treasures his wife even in the most unflattering situations, such as going to the bathroom. Would it have been as creepy if they were photos of his wife sleeping or eating or reading a magazine? It's just a memory that he wants to keep because any memory of someone you love is worth saving.

[MidwestUSA]

It doesn't even have to be a fetish.

It could just be love.

It's kind of endearing that he treasures his wife even in the most unflattering situations, such as going to the bathroom. Would it have been as creepy if they were photos of his wife sleeping or eating or reading a magazine? It's just a memory that he wants to keep because any memory of someone you love is worth saving.

 

There's nothing endearing about your spouse filming you for twenty years, without your knowledge, while you're taking a leak, a dump, or changing a tampon. Many married couples still believe in a bit of privacy at certain moments.

 

Would you take the current stressors in your engagement and excuse them in the name of love? You probably should.

[Cablebandit]

There's nothing endearing about your spouse filming you for twenty years, without your knowledge, while you're taking a leak, a dump, or changing a tampon. Many married couples still believe in a bit of privacy at certain moments.

 

Would you take the current stressors in your engagement and excuse them in the name of love? You probably should.

 

There is nothing endearing to YOU about this. Your opinion is not mandatory for everyone.

[JamesM]

There's nothing endearing about your spouse filming you for twenty years, without your knowledge, while you're taking a leak, a dump, or changing a tampon. Many married couples still believe in a bit of privacy at certain moments.

 

There is nothing endearing to YOU about this. Your opinion is not mandatory for everyone.

 

Actually, I think MW is right for most women at the least and many guys. It is the "without your knowledge " part that is the key. Even to me as a guy, thinking that my wife is filming me wherever I am in the house, or even better, if I found that she was tracking me for no reason except for her curiosity...this is rather disconcerting and unsettling. If she told me about it, then it would make all of the difference in the world.

[WaitingForBardot]

Although it goes without saying, being this is LS I feel I need to say that your husband was wrong and I am not saying any of the following in an effort to defend him, but rather to help you...

 

First, voyeurs are usually not violent. In the interest of safety though you need to pay attention to how you proceed and how it will impact him, and by extension, you.

 

His life has already been irreparably harmed by your discovery (of his actions; not downplaying that here). He has lost the love of his life. This will remain true even if you were to reconcile, because you will never feel the same about him, ever. He knows this and it hurts. Most of us know how much it hurts to lose the love of your life.

 

Onto the what-ifs...

 

If you were to tell your friends/family, he will likely also lose all of them, potentially his entire social support structure. If you were to tell your kids, he will likely lose them too. I love my kids, I don't know how I'd cope if they suddenly didn't care for me or hated me. I imagine he would feel the same. If you report him to the police, he may lose his freedom by going to jail and may well wind up classified as a sex offender, meaning that everywhere he goes for the rest of his life, people will know or can easily find out what he's done. So now he is completely alone, potentially cut off for the rest of his life.

 

With each escalation, he is becoming more and more cut off from everything/everyone he cares about. He will be more isolated, more desperate. Unfortunately, desperate people sometimes do desperate things. Sometimes they harm themselves, sometimes they harm others, even people that are not what you'd consider at a high risk for violence. Of course sometimes they just accept the consequences of their actions and move on, but this is what you need to bear in mind going forward.

 

I'm not advising that you do/not do any of these things, that is your prerogative. I won't debate whether he deserves any of it, that's a complex question that only you have the information necessary to decide. I'm only saying that as you move forward you bear in mind what is happening to him, how he feels, how he may react, and take the necessary steps to insure your/your children's safety as you proceed.

 

And I sincerely wish you the best in dealing with this...

[turnera]

I think if I were in your shoes, I would simply say 'as soon as you are in weekly therapy and I can confirm it (you give your IC permission to talk to me), we can resume conversations. Let me know when it happens.'

[MidwestUSA]

There is nothing endearing to YOU about this. Your opinion is not mandatory for everyone.

 

That's why it's called an opinion. You might want to look up the definition of 'mandatory'; you're giving the south a bad name.

 

At least what y'all do stays down there.

 

Let me guess. You're engaged to KissKattBar.

[Mr. Lucky]

It doesn't even have to be a fetish.

It could just be love.

It's kind of endearing that he treasures his wife even in the most unflattering situations, such as going to the bathroom. Would it have been as creepy if they were photos of his wife sleeping or eating or reading a magazine? It's just a memory that he wants to keep because any memory of someone you love is worth saving.

 

This just makes my skin crawl, it's the kind of rationalization abusers use to justify their actions.

 

What's lost in your calculation is this - what price does one partner in a relationship pay to satisfy the sexual desires of the other? In a healthy relationship, pleasure is additive and benefits both participants.

 

However, this may not even be about sex. In taking away the OP's privacy, dignity and security, this seems to be more about power...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JustGettingBy]

Wow!!!!!!

 

Okay, you need to find out asap if anyone else was filmed.

 

If he filmed your kids, then them and any of their SO's, former or current would be at risk. If he distributed any of this, it definitely falls into the illegal category.

 

As for the illegal part, you will want to find out. The part here that makes it very screwy comes down to property ownership. Is your place of residence in your name? His? Both? A landlord? No need to answer these questions publicly on LS, but you need to find out how this works where you live, as shared property makes things very different as to legality.

[scrapbooker]

I have to wonder which of the new member defenders of hubby actions might be the OP's husband or husband's buddies. I can't think of any other reason to defend this type of invasion of privacy.

 

If scat and pee and voyeurism gets someone off, that's fine. But to withhold this type of secret life from your spouse and involve them without their knowledge....no normal person with character would defend that.

 

And this idea that he's lying because he's scared to tell the truth? Since when does THAT make lying okay????

[anika99]

There is nothing endearing to YOU about this. Your opinion is not mandatory for everyone.

 

True, everyone has different boundaries and opinions so basically the only opinion that matters is the OP as she was the one on the receiving end of this behaviour. She did not find it endearing, she found it violating and deceitful.

[BlueIris]

True, everyone has different boundaries and opinions so basically the only opinion that matters is the OP as she was the one on the receiving end of this behaviour. She did not find it endearing, she found it violating and deceitful.

 

Exactly. And I believe she posted earlier that he had previously asked her about taking pictures of her of this kind and she told him not to or that she wouldn't be comfortable with it. That's very important. He knew that she did not consent to his doing this. There was no ambiguity or grey area.

[Cablebandit]

That's why it's called an opinion. You might want to look up the definition of 'mandatory'; you're giving the south a bad name.

 

At least what y'all do stays down there.

 

Let me guess. You're engaged to KissKattBar.

 

You stated your "opinion" in a way that could be interpreted as being a knowledge claim.

[GorillaTheater]

You stated your "opinion" in a way that could be interpreted as being a knowledge claim.

 

 

It is a knowledge claim in this case. The OP was pretty clear what she thought about it. Arguing over hypotheticals probably isn't going to help the OP.

[spyedonfor20plus]

Ok, so here's the latest update: (btw thank you for all the continued concern and advice)

 

Most of the weekend I spent doing things out of the house. He was there (remember he has refused to move out even temporarily to give me space, saying its his house too). This infuriates me to no end. We are of course in separate bedrooms. he has been seeming to walk on eggshells and has said he's sorry more times than I can count and says he doesn't want this to break up our marriage and family. Etc.

 

Monday afternoon was our first joint therapy session. It was interesting in that he seemed to say all the right things, but still showed some defensiveness and had a hard time when the therapist (a male just fyi) and I used the word "deceitful "

He didn't seemed to think of what he did in that way. (Raised eyebrows anyone?)

 

Therapist thinks, based on what else we said about our marriage that it is worth trying to save. I do too, BUT. I have no idea if and when that I will feel totally comfortable again. And, as many of you have said, it has forever changed how I "see" him not only as a husband but as a person.

 

I told him after therapy I think he needs to see another kind of therapist one trained in treating sex addictions. He doesn't totally agree but says he is willing to do "whatever it takes"

 

So, along those lines, I saw a divorce attorney today, (husband is not aware of this) hoping she could help me with the question about taking his laptop to a computer forensics analyst. She said she's never heard a story like mine and of course agreed that this is upsetting behavior especially given the length of time it has gone on.

 

She referred me to a criminal attorney for the legal question but also gave me the name of a computer forensics company they had used.

 

SO. This is my next step. Tomorrow I will see therapist alone, (husband is out of town until Friday) and tell him that at our next couples session, I would like to ask husband, for the first time, if I could take his laptop and have it forensically swept. That doing that will be a step towards me feeling more comfortable (& also finding out if God forbid anyone else has been filmed which I do not believe at this point.). So, his reaction alone will tell me a lot.

 

Thanks for listening/reading my continuing story, and keep up the debate. This is n important issue not just for me but for others out there who may be dealing with something similar. However my story ends, technology and privacy rights, especially involving couples, will continue to be an important topic.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ok, so here's the latest update: (btw thank you for all the continued concern and advice)

 

Most of the weekend I spent doing things out of the house. He was there (remember he has refused to move out even temporarily to give me space, saying its his house too). This infuriates me to no end. We are of course in separate bedrooms. he has been seeming to walk on eggshells and has said he's sorry more times than I can count and says he doesn't want this to break up our marriage and family. Etc.

 

Monday afternoon was our first joint therapy session. It was interesting in that he seemed to say all the right things, but still showed some defensiveness and had a hard time when the therapist (a male just fyi) and I used the word "deceitful "

He didn't seemed to think of what he did in that way. (Raised eyebrows anyone?)

 

Therapist thinks, based on what else we said about our marriage that it is worth trying to save. I do too, BUT. I have no idea if and when that I will feel totally comfortable again. And, as many of you have said, it has forever changed how I "see" him not only as a husband but as a person.

 

I told him after therapy I think he needs to see another kind of therapist one trained in treating sex addictions. He doesn't totally agree but says he is willing to do "whatever it takes"

 

So, along those lines, I saw a divorce attorney today, (husband is not aware of this) hoping she could help me with the question about taking his laptop to a computer forensics analyst. She said she's never heard a story like mine and of course agreed that this is upsetting behavior especially given the length of time it has gone on.

 

She referred me to a criminal attorney for the legal question but also gave me the name of a computer forensics company they had used.

 

SO. This is my next step. Tomorrow I will see therapist alone, (husband is out of town until Friday) and tell him that at our next couples session, I would like to ask husband, for the first time, if I could take his laptop and have it forensically swept. That doing that will be a step towards me feeling more comfortable (& also finding out if God forbid anyone else has been filmed which I do not believe at this point.). So, his reaction alone will tell me a lot.

 

Thanks for listening/reading my continuing story, and keep up the debate. This is n important issue not just for me but for others out there who may be dealing with something similar. However my story ends, technology and privacy rights, especially involving couples, will continue to be an important topic.

 

I think at this point I wouldn't ask about the laptop. I'd just get it done.

[bathtub-row]

She probably can't legally have his computer swept without his consent, unless it's a computer that they use jointly. And in this case, I would stay mindful of the law because doing anything illegal could come back to bite her.

 

OP, I just don't know if this is something I could ever get past. I would never feel safe again in his presence. Every time you have sex with him - assuming you ever do again - you're going to wonder if he's secretely recording you. This would be a very difficult thing to get past, especially since he doesn't seem to get why this has hurt you to the core.

 

Personally, I would not be surprised if he is into other things that you don't know about.

[spyedonfor20plus]

She probably can't legally have his computer swept without his consent, unless it's a computer that they use jointly. And in this case, I would stay mindful of the law because doing anything illegal could come back to bite her.

 

OP, I just don't know if this is something I could ever get past. I would never feel safe again in his presence. Every time you have sex with him - assuming you ever do again - you're going to wonder if he's secretely recording you. This would be a very difficult thing to get past, especially since he doesn't seem to get why this has hurt you to the core.

 

Personally, I would not be surprised if he is into other things that you don't know about.

 

Yes I am trying very hard to do everything legally, unlike him, because a) I tji.k I'm an ethical person even though he may not deserve it, and b) I don't EVER want him to have anything to potentially use against me.

 

And most laws and my attorney say that unless it is a jointly used computer you have to have permission, even when it is spouses. And of course there are exceptions such as when there is already police involved.

 

I am only able to go day by day. In most areas I'm not a particularly patient person, but when crisis hits espexy when my boys are potentially involved then my logical brain takes over.

 

We.are both educated people; he even has a law degree but has never practiced. My attorney today even called me " strong " which made feel good since lately I've felt pretty crazy. Most days I wake up feeling as if I'm on an episode of Maury Povich!

 

It can only go two ways, as I see it now. If something worse is found on his laptop or elsewhere, its over. If he continues to get help, and over time shows true remorse, which i am starting to see, we have a chance. But then there is my Part; I have to somehow get past this. THAT is unknowable today.