My username sums it up; I'm in shock

[BlueIris]

Impressive, OP. I respect your not wanting to make a rash decision after a long marriage and having a family together. It’s great that you went to a couples counselor and that you’re seeing your own counselor. You’re handling this so well. I want you to take that computer in immediately but! your steady and approach will probably do you, personally, more good than any single action will in the long run. Brava.

[13Hearts]

I have some opinions about this whole mess but no need to share, really. I just want to say I am so sorry this happened and that you are going through all of this. I know you feel violated, and likely scared, among other things, and rightfully so.

 

I do want to point out, however, that while yes, this is very creepy, I've found men in general have weird fetishes, most of which I simply do not understand. I've had quite a few boyfriends and let's just say the filming thing, even in the bathroom, does not surprise me at all. I don't see fetishes as a sickness, otherwise, most men would likely be diagnosable. I'm not excusing your husband's secretive taping, or defending his actions in any way. I just noticed that the general reaction to it has been pretty violent and quick to judge, whereas I feel you should really TALK to him, see where his head was, and go from there. Either way, it sounds like you've got this under control.

 

Of course, whether or not he shared any images with others is a dealbreaker but try to find out his intent. Was the secret taping meant to be deceitful or was it because he thought you would judge him if he asked? I think there's a difference.

[spyedonfor20plus]

I have some opinions about this whole mess but no need to share, really. I just want to say I am so sorry this happened and that you are going through all of this. I know you feel violated, and likely scared, among other things, and rightfully so.

 

I do want to point out, however, that while yes, this is very creepy, I've found men in general have weird fetishes, most of which I simply do not understand. I've had quite a few boyfriends and let's just say the filming thing, even in the bathroom, does not surprise me at all. I don't see fetishes as a sickness, otherwise, most men would likely be diagnosable. I'm not excusing your husband's secretive taping, or defending his actions in any way. I just noticed that the general reaction to it has been pretty violent and quick to judge, whereas I feel you should really TALK to him, see where his head was, and go from there. Either way, it sounds like you've got this under control.

 

Of course, whether or not he shared any images with others is a dealbreaker but try to find out his intent. Was the secret taping meant to be deceitful or was it because he thought you would judge him if he asked? I think there's a difference.

 

I understand what you are saying. We are talking, in bits and pieces, and with the counselor. Believe me, I am trying so hard to understand his motivation. But I really believe he would not have asked. That takes away from the

thrill; that it's an unknowing observation. If it turns out it is just me he has images of, I could very well find a way past this, as disturbing as it is. Right now, it's too early for me to say, to him or to myself. The behavior has to stop, and I don't know how I will ever know that it has. Kind of a problem.

 

He's 60, I'm 53. It makes me beyond sad that we (mostly me) have to deal with this when we should be enjoying our "empty nest".

[Lois_Griffin]

I guess they do ask...

 

But it's very hard to imagine this being a big deal with someone you are that close to. When in a marriage or serious relationship, I'm one with the other person. it's like a cable or Bluetooth connects our brains.

 

Everything in a marriage is shared so deeply, that if I found my wife did this, I'd first, laugh a bit because it's kind of funny, then use it as a tool to turn her on until she begged for mercy.

 

I'd give her the gift of the fetish.

 

Why is everyone so serious about things?

 

Why is there so much ego in the way people here go about marriages?

 

I don't understand the concept of not accepting people for who they are.. and loving them unconditionally.

 

Isn't that what marriage is about? That's how I run my relationships.

 

This is sooo minor. Soooo trivial in the scope of a 20 year marriage with children.

 

I guess I'll just sign off this thread baffled at how nearly all of you treat your spouses and significant others.

 

Life is too short to take something like this so seriously...

Well goody for you.

 

Since having your bathroom activities taped without your knowledge or consent is such a non-issue for you, may I assume a video of you taking a dump is probably available for viewing somewhere up on YouTube?

[Lois_Griffin]

The hard drive will have everything your husband claimed to erase.

I wouldn't trust that your husband really wiped the computer clean.

I'd be willing to bet there are lots of clouds with his recordings on them.

[scrapbooker]

I have no problems or judgments about or problems with people's personal fetishes (as long as they are not illegal or pedophilic). This isn't about fetishes (no matter how much some people want to make it about that). This is about a man deceiving his wife and involving her in secret activities without her knowledge or consent.

 

I do not think someone who wants to watch bathroom activities is necessarily sick or of low character. I do, however, wonder about the character of anyone who condones or defends lying to and deceiving one's spouse about such intimate things. THAT kind of thinking indicates serious character and selfishness issues.

[Lois_Griffin]

Also I plan on speaking to an attorney before I have the computer checked. What I'd like to do.is ask him for the password and see his reaction. Tell him that I'm worried he has recorded others and \or posted videos of me and I need to know

Take it to a forensics expert. All his crap has been wiped clean but it's probably been moved to another source, is all.

[Lois_Griffin]

Therapist thinks, based on what else we said about our marriage that it is worth trying to save..

Of course he does. You two are going to put his kids through college and finance that kitchen renovation he's been wanting for years.

 

I would like to ask husband, for the first time, if I could take his laptop and have it forensically swept.

And when he says no? What are the consequences?

 

You have much more patience than me. This guy would have been kicked out the front door so damned hard his Aunt Tilly in Toledo would have felt it.

 

But...good luck to you.

[elaine567]

The DVDs and videotapes stopped when they became superseded by other technology. I think you need to watch those videos from the point of view of guessing where the cameras were sited and that may give you a clue to where they may still be now.

Using his phone to overtly photograph/video was as he said an opportunity grabbed, his normal MO I guess is hidden spy cameras.

When he is next gone I would search your house/sheds/garage/cars/outside space thoroughly for other computers/laptops/phones/cameras...

What does he do for a job? Is it possible he is filming others in the showers/toilets/bedrooms at work/in hotels etc...

Finding a hidden PC/laptop/phone may give you those answers, as well as telling you whether he is sharing stuff on line.

I would guess the laptop he shows you will be clean, unless of course he is so cocky that he thinks he has persuaded you to believe him, and that you will never ask to see it.

[13Hearts]

I understand what you are saying. We are talking, in bits and pieces, and with the counselor. Believe me, I am trying so hard to understand his motivation. But I really believe he would not have asked. That takes away from the

thrill; that it's an unknowing observation. If it turns out it is just me he has images of, I could very well find a way past this, as disturbing as it is. Right now, it's too early for me to say, to him or to myself. The behavior has to stop, and I don't know how I will ever know that it has. Kind of a problem.

 

He's 60, I'm 53. It makes me beyond sad that we (mostly me) have to deal with this when we should be enjoying our "empty nest".

I am sorry, I really am. I hear what you're saying and it just sucks. But as I'm sure you are doing, you have to evaluate each person (and relationship) individually. I've been through quite a few (as I've said) and am always looking for the "right" person or the guy who "doesn't do X," or who "does Y," or who "has Z." And in retrospect, I know there is no perfect person. No one is ever going to meet all of my expectations, requirements, or even wishes. So, if your husband is otherwise a good guy, you're compatible, he doesn't have drug or alcohol problems, goes to work, is relatively clean, and isn't doing anything illegal, AND you can get past the filming, I say consider forgiving him.

 

As to his motivation? Guys, even the good ones, are perverts.

 

I'm not saying that in a nasty way or anything.

 

This is a really good story for Dr. Ruth!

[WaitingForBardot]

...

As to his motivation? Guys, even the good ones, are perverts.

 

I'm not saying that in a nasty way or anything.

Or to phrase it like my wife: All men are pigs!

 

...and she knows I'm no different.

 

Nota bene -- This is in no way to say or imply that what happened to the OP is okay.

[13Hearts]

Or to phrase it like my wife: All men are pigs!

 

...and she knows I'm no different.

 

Nota bene -- This is in no way to say or imply that what happened to the OP is okay.

LOL. I think we are not supposed to bash any groups here so I want to be clear that I'm not bashing. It's said very light-heartedly, without malice or judgment.

[HereNorThere]

I have no problems or judgments about or problems with people's personal fetishes (as long as they are not illegal or pedophilic). This isn't about fetishes (no matter how much some people want to make it about that). This is about a man deceiving his wife and involving her in secret activities without her knowledge or consent.

 

I do not think someone who wants to watch bathroom activities is necessarily sick or of low character. I do, however, wonder about the character of anyone who condones or defends lying to and deceiving one's spouse about such intimate things. THAT kind of thinking indicates serious character and selfishness issues.

 

It's still about fetishes. It's not watching someone use the restroom that turns voyeurs on, it's more about the lack of consent. His fetish is violating others by spying on them. If she agreed to be taped, it wouldn't have been fun for him.

 

I understand that you're trying to make people see that not all fetishes are bad. I agree for the most part, but in this case the fetish is bad. No amount of justification or rationalization will change that.

[scrapbooker]

It's still about fetishes. It's not watching someone use the restroom that turns voyeurs on, it's more about the lack of consent. His fetish is violating others by spying on them. If she agreed to be taped, it wouldn't have been fun for him.

 

I understand that you're trying to make people see that not all fetishes are bad. I agree for the most part, but in this case the fetish is bad. No amount of justification or rationalization will change that.

 

Honestly, I agree. I just thought if I went easy on the fetish angle, these people who condone deception might see the light.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do want to point out, however, that while yes, this is very creepy, I've found men in general have weird fetishes, most of which I simply do not understand. I've had quite a few boyfriends and let's just say the filming thing, even in the bathroom, does not surprise me at all. I don't see fetishes as a sickness, otherwise, most men would likely be diagnosable. I'm not excusing your husband's secretive taping, or defending his actions in any way. I just noticed that the general reaction to it has been pretty violent and quick to judge, whereas I feel you should really TALK to him, see where his head was, and go from there. Either way, it sounds like you've got this under control.

 

What would be your reaction had the OP's husband come home one night and, against her will, sexually assaulted her? After all, some couples like B&D and role playing, he might certainly assume rough play was a perfectly normal fetish.

 

That he didn't get her consent probably wouldn't be that big of a deal, right?

 

Mr. Lucky

[13Hearts]

What would be your reaction had the OP's husband come home one night and, against her will, sexually assaulted her? After all, some couples like B&D and role playing, he might certainly assume rough play was a perfectly normal fetish.

 

That he didn't get her consent probably wouldn't be that big of a deal, right?

 

Mr. Lucky

No, that's not what I'm saying. First, I have never been secretly taped for 20 years, so I can't even begin to advise SpyedOn what she should do. But I do think some calm and reason might be helpful to her, instead of everyone overreacting, telling her to call the police, or hell why doesn't she just hang him right here and now? It's her HUSBAND and her entire future she's dealing with here; I think we should be a little more compassionate toward OP. Second, I don't think a BDSM relationship is a good example. People who have BDSM agreements AGREE to assault and be assaulted (so to speak). I have been sexually assaulted and I am just not seeing the equivalence. I'm not saying I'm right or that I know everything about life and relationships. I'm just saying I've been in many relationships and men are freaky. Just look at what they put on porn, what they put on the internet, Jesus have you SEEN Tumblr?!?

 

What I'm saying is that our OP has already stated that if she can get over this, and feel secure, she wants to try to keep her marriage together, as long as he agrees to counseling and some other things. Why is everyone exploding about this? We know nothing about this man other than what OP has posted.

 

I don't know about anyone else here but I am neither condoning nor defending what the man has done, secretly taping, lying, deceiving, whatever. And anyway, my opinions about it simply do not matter and neither do anyone else's here. It's SpyedOn's opinions that matter. I'm simply trying to support HER during this time.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think a BDSM relationship is a good example. People who have BDSM agreements AGREE to assault and be assaulted (so to speak).

 

Exactly. Agreed to in advance and between consenting adults, people should do whatever floats their boats. But even though some posters have tried, that's not a standard that can be retroactively applied, as the OP's situation clearly indicates.

 

It's her HUSBAND and her entire future she's dealing with here; I think we should be a little more compassionate toward OP.

 

I don't think attempting to minimize the OP's feelings is compassionate. "Boys will be boys" doesn't address this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[13Hearts]

Exactly. Agreed to in advance and between consenting adults, people should do whatever floats their boats. But even though some posters have tried, that's not a standard that can be retroactively applied, as the OP's situation clearly indicates.

 

I don't think attempting to minimize the OP's feelings is compassionate. "Boys will be boys" doesn't address this...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

With all due respect, Mr Lucky, I don't understand what you are saying about retroactively agreeing to being sexually assaulted or what that's got to do with Mrs. SpyedOn's problem. I also NEVER said "boys will be boys," I said men are freaky perverts, which they are from a woman's perspective. I don't know why men always feel so comfortable revealing things to me but I can't tell you the things men have asked me to do, or let them do, or told me they wanted to do. I'm just not surprised at what this man has done. I don't understand why MY life perspective bothers you so much. I'm not the one who FILMED Mrs. SpyedOn!

 

Nor did I EVER minimize SpyedOn's feelings or position. Why are you making this about ME? This thread is not about me, I only posted my viewpoints, which don't happen to agree with most everyone else's. Honestly, it's amazing how much cross-talk goes on in these forums. Say what you have to say and then move on. Why hijack a thread just because one poster's opinion or perspective doesn't agree with yours?

 

SpyedOn's a grown woman who has given birth to and raised FIVE children. I'm quite confident she can make her own decisions about whose opinions or posts are helpful to her and what she's going to do about her weird husband and his questionable motives and behavior.

[m007]

Maybe I am just super relaxed but most of replies are really, really over the top. Calling this guy a pedophile because you can hear voices of his kids in the background ? Calling police? Assuming he is going to rape her? Come on people...

Of course he was defensive, he is embarrassed. He has a fetish, and his WIFE is an object of it (not neighbors, nanny, daughter's underage kid...). He is going to share it with unknown person, even if therapist? Nah, not happing, he needs to accept it first. And by your reaction I would be scared to share this with you too.

Rember "in good and bad"? Try to talk to the man you lived with for 20 years. If you love him you will understand him and accept this quirk. You might even find a way to use this, participate and refresh your relationship.

[lollipopspot]

If you love him you will understand him and accept this quirk. You might even find a way to use this, participate and refresh your relationship.

 

LOL.

 

From violation to rejuvenation. Sure.

[scrapbooker]

LOL.

 

From violation to rejuvenation. Sure.

 

Like I said, I wouldn't be surprised if camera boy is here with a few buddies. Look at the join dates.

 

This was violation and deception, plain and simple.

[Lois_Griffin]

Of course he was defensive, he is embarrassed. He has a fetish, and his WIFE is an object of it (not neighbors, nanny, daughter's underage kid...).

You know nothing of the sort.

 

You have NO idea whether his wife is his ONLY victim. All she knows is that she caught him filming HER. Unless she was connected to him at the hip 24/7 for the last 20 years, no one knows if he has any other 'subjects' he filmed but he himself.

[elaine567]

You know nothing of the sort.

 

You have NO idea whether his wife is his ONLY victim. All she knows is that she caught him filming HER. Unless she was connected to him at the hip 24/7 for the last 20 years, no one knows if he has any other 'subjects' he filmed but he himself.

 

Agreed, the Dvds and the other videotape formats she found stopped 10 years ago, when I guess he moved on to different technology - she did find a flash drive with some supposedly "deleted" pics of her off his phone and he was caught videoing her with his phone too, so he HAS moved with the times.

His wife's videos may have been just the start of his fetish journey, no-one knows where it has led him.

[scrapbooker]

I think the thing that bothers me most is this idea that since it was only his wife he deceived and secretly taped, it's fine. With anyone else it would be creepy and illegal, but hey, they're married.

 

Isn't that sort of the same logic behind the defense of marital rape? That since they are married she can't object to anything and he is entitled to do it?

 

And there we get to the root: entitled. This man feels entitled to violate his wife's privacy, do something he DID know she was uncomfortable with (remember her phone camera story?), and keep it secret...for TWENTY YEARS.

 

And the fact that anyone would defend him or blame HER because "he's probably embarrassed to tell her" is just too....I'm speechless.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't know why men always feel so comfortable revealing things to me but I can't tell you the things men have asked me to do, or let them do, or told me they wanted to do. I'm just not surprised at what this man has done. I don't understand why MY life perspective bothers you so much. I'm not the one who FILMED Mrs. SpyedOn!

 

13Hearts, why is this so hard to understand? Those unnamed men ASKED you to do things or TOLD you what they wanted to do - in advance.

 

You're one of several posters that has stated or implied that she should consider his motives because it's somehow relevant that he could have asked her 20 years ago for consent - he didn't - and she might have agreed - as she's stated, she wouldn't. Somehow this is supposed to make what he's done less repugnant.

 

SpyedOn's a grown woman who has given birth to and raised FIVE children. I'm quite confident she can make her own decisions about whose opinions or posts are helpful to her and what she's going to do about her weird husband and his questionable motives and behavior.

 

Agreed...

 

Mr. Lucky