Ex OW here, got back together with (ex)MM after his divorce. Problems persist.

January 27, 2016

I think a good approach would be to stay informed regarding his divorce but not actively involved. listen, keep your eyes and ears open, even give input if he specifically asks. But don't kill yourself emotionally trying to control it. You really can't.

Hang in there. It is not an easy time.

Edited January 27, 2016 by goodyblue

January 27, 2016

let's see if i have the time table right. he cheated. somehow this was discovered or not, but either way, they got divorced.

before or after that, they sold the family home and everyone moved, somewhere else?

so she's lost her home and her family and her husband betrayed her?

she hasn't got a job, but she's got the kids?

on top of having to get a job, she's gotta figure out how to keep the kids going? school, activities, shared custody?

i went thur the same thing.

inbetween all that, i lost my mother, my dearest friend and two brothers.

and even tho i didn't even like cakeman anymore, we got thru it, by talking, crying, screaming to the point of spitting, and sending each other "goodbye" songs.

things take time.

you are married to your married man. kudos.

i don't see you unloading any baggage for quite awhile longer. and if you keep on trying to speed up the process, you'll continue to come off as a shrew.

Now lets go for by the facts as they were presented to us.

The ExW was educated and working before the child was born. She agreed to go back to work when he entered school, 6 YEARS AGO, and never did. This was a cause of strife in the marriage.

The MM left her and felt guilty about it. He gave her more than her share of equity in the home in addition to paying child support, spousal support, private school fees, health insurance, etc. Yet she wants even more.

She is currently working part time and is scheduled to go to work full time in August, but she was supposed to have found a full time job before and seems less than interested in doing so.

This woman isn't some poor destitute waif here.

January 27, 2016

Starting full time work in August is going to be the hardest time because of the summer holidays. She will need to pay a full time nanny. I hope she has found a job that pays a lot more than being a nanny does!!

She probably works part time so she can collect the child from school & do his homework etc with him.

It's complicated. She hasn't worked in 11 years. I don't think her working now is going to make the financial difference expected once childcare costs are deducted. It's going to take time.

OP has only been living there for 2 months. This is very new & raw for everyone. It's my understanding that the OP found lovey-dovey emails between the MM & his now ex. He lied from the start. I understand her insecurities here. As I said, this is a complicated one for all involved at this stage.

January 27, 2016

Electric Tangerine:

It sounds as if this man still cares very much for his ex wife. Have you considered this reality seriously. Have you discussed it.

Did she want the divorce? If she did, he may miss the marriage.

Even if he wanted the divorce. They have a long shared history and a child. He still may miss her.

Fighting with her is a sign he still cares. Any strong emotion is a sign he still cares. A person who no longer cares is indifferent and will typically walk away rather than fight.

Men often make rash decisions when an affair partner is involved.

Also, if they both agreed that this wife would be a Stay at home mother, that likely effectively took her off the career track and ruined her earning capacity.

If she has no work record, it may be difficult to find a decent paying job, now. She has not worked in 10 + years

That is why courts order alimony, child support and rehabilitation for the unemployed spouse.

Edited January 27, 2016 by Liam1

January 28, 2016

Starting full time work in August is going to be the hardest time because of the summer holidays. She will need to pay a full time nanny. I hope she has found a job that pays a lot more than being a nanny does!!

She probably works part time so she can collect the child from school & do his homework etc with him.

It's complicated. She hasn't worked in 11 years. I don't think her working now is going to make the financial difference expected once childcare costs are deducted. It's going to take time.

OP has only been living there for 2 months. This is very new & raw for everyone. It's my understanding that the OP found lovey-dovey emails between the MM & his now ex. He lied from the start. I understand her insecurities here. As I said, this is a complicated one for all involved at this stage.

August is when school begins again, at least here, but that may be different where she lives. Most other parts of the country do school year round with a week or two off at set points. Even so, tens of millions of single working parents manage and in much more adverse conditions.

I can't imagine an 11 year old needs a freakin nanny. By 11, most kids can be home alone after school for a few hours until a parent comes home. If he's immature for his age, I'm sure she could arrange something, even just a neighbor to check on him.

I'm also pretty sure an 11 year old is capable of getting himself on and off the school bus, if transportation is provided, or she could arrange for him to be driven home by another parent.

Not to mention, if she did deem the kid needed some kind of latch key program or sitter, the child's father would be expected to pay all or a percentage of that cost.

She's had months to get her shyte straight, got more financially than she was entitled to, has an ex that actually pays his spousal and child support in addition to school fees and healthcare. I don't see any excuses for her.

January 28, 2016

Also, if they both agreed that this wife would be a Stay at home mother, that likely effectively took her off the career track and ruined her earning capacity.

If she has no work record, it may be difficult to find a decent paying job, now. She has not worked in 10 + years

That is why courts order alimony, child support and rehabilitation for the unemployed spouse.

Liam, she was educated and employed when they married. They agreed she would be SAHM until the child went to school. After the child went to school, she refused to return to work. She reneged on the agreement.

The OP's former MM is paying alimony and child support in addition to healthcare and private school fees. The problem is that this woman wants more than she is legally entitled to and this causes strife between former MM and the OP.

IMHO, she needs to either learn to live within her means or increase her means with a full time job. I've watched way too many single mothers with anywhere from 2-6 younger children work full time while getting the bare minimum or no help from the exH's. I just can't muster much sympathy for this woman.

January 28, 2016

One thing that I don't understand is why this wasn't already all finalized in the divorce? I thought you said he divorced her already? Where I live, issues regarding custody, alimony, visitation, etc. are determined as part of the divorce process, not after. So why hasn't this already been resolved? Or has it and his ex keeps taking it back to court? Here, you can only go back to court once every 3 years to ask for a change unless there has been a change that impacts one or the other involved (like loss of income or disability, etc.)

Aside from all of the above, I'm really concerned with why you are so full of anxiety about his issues with his ex. It's obvious that you are worried about trusting him and you should be. He already lied to you for 6 months. That's a long time to lie. He also lied to his wife and cheated on her. That's a discussion that has been on this thread many times but it isn't uncommon for there to be concern that he'll do the same to you. Somewhere along the line you are going to need to dig in deep and determine whether or not you can continue a relationship with a man that you have trust issues with. Is he really worth all this? Pages and pages of anxiety riddled posts about this man. If you want a healthy relationship with him, you'll have to stop trying to control his feelings and actions with his ex and focus on your own relationship with him. Let all of that go! Focus on who he is, how he treats you, are you happy being with him, can you deal with the fact that she isn't going to go away.

The truth is, I'd be concerned if he DIDN'T care about her. Just because it ended doesn't mean he doesn't care about her. It just means that they weren't a good fit... for whatever reason.

It isn't healthy for them to NOT get along. That I do agree with you on. They need to come to an understanding but they aren't there yet. You being in the middle of it isn't helping. Step back, let him deal with it. Give it time and see how it goes. If you live with him, maybe move out and get your own place until he's settled things with her. Or at least remove yourself from the situation. Let him deal with it his way and resolve it whatever way he needs to. He doesn't need you throwing tantrums on the side about every decision he makes.

I don't know, I guess I come from a viewpoint of hating all this hatred. They have a child together. She's a major part of his life. She's always going to have a special place in his heart, even if you don't want him to. Accept it and let it go or move on. Why not *gasp* try to get along with her yourself instead of painting her as this awful ex? If you can't do that, then back out of it and think about whether or not you want to be in this situation for the rest of your life.

I know for myself, if I chose to date a man with children then he and I both should be able to get along with his ex as best as possible without a lot of drama. Preferably, I'd like for all involved to be civil and get along. If that isn't happening, or can't happen, then I'd walk. It's too much stress otherwise. I've seen it happen... exes that can actually be friendly without too much issue. It's called being mature and putting the children first. Regardless of your past history with him (exOW or not) you should be able to trust him to deal with her without worrying that he's going to leave you for her.

January 28, 2016

I guess some women are just happier leaving men to get on with money matters, etc, while they potter about making the house nice for him, while others prefer more agency in a R. I'm one of the latter - and my view is that it's an OW's right - if not duty - to communicate very clearly with her separating / divorcing MM what the possible fallout might be in terms of decisions regarding the divorce settlement as it pertains to their future R - including lifestyle issues

Haha I don't know if you're talking about me but I'm certainly not pottering about the house for him. I have a full time job and so does he. Despite being together romantically for 3 years, we do not live together and I have no intention of moving in with him until he's more settled into this new stage of his life. I own my own home that I bought with 100% my own money while single. I don't need to worry about what he does with HIS money because I have MY money. Maybe you need to stop expecting him to provide some sort of "lifestyle" for you, and learn how to provide for yourself.

The fact is your relationship (and my own) did not begin properly. All of this divorce stuff should have been settled long before the two of you ever became involved. If it had, then you wouldn't have been burdened with any of this information. I know how hard it is, but you need to step back and slow down. He can not move onto the next stage of his life with you until his old life is behind him. You are simply getting in the way and making things more complicated than they need to be. Let him finalize his divorce in a way that gives him peace of mind, then he can get some closure and you can then begin your real life with him.

January 28, 2016

Electric Tangerine:

It sounds as if this man still cares very much for his ex wife. Have you considered this reality seriously. Have you discussed it.

Did she want the divorce? If she did, he may miss the marriage.

Even if he wanted the divorce. They have a long shared history and a child. He still may miss her.

Fighting with her is a sign he still cares. Any strong emotion is a sign he still cares. A person who no longer cares is indifferent and will typically walk away rather than fight.

Of course he cares about the mother of his children. That doesn't mean he wants to be married to her, or that he should be. Big difference. I fought with my ex - the guy that I left and divorced. I in no way wanted him back or loved him. I was done with the relationship and he wanted to fight me every step of the way because of that. It was pure crazy-making.

What he's doing is just typical divorce stuff. Marriages - even bad ones - are very hard to disentangle from. She needs to let him work it out. She's not his mommy.

January 28, 2016

Haha I don't know if you're talking about me but I'm certainly not pottering about the house for him. I have a full time job and so does he. Despite being together romantically for 3 years, we do not live together and I have no intention of moving in with him until he's more settled into this new stage of his life. I own my own home that I bought with 100% my own money while single. I don't need to worry about what he does with HIS money because I have MY money. Maybe you need to stop expecting him to provide some sort of "lifestyle" for you, and learn how to provide for yourself.

The problem is, should this become a permanent relationship, what effects him financially effects her, too. Especially if they marry. In most states, when a couple marries, their credit and debts are combined. In addition, how it's all worked out can have a HUGE impact on tax filings and the ability to qualify for mortgages, insurance coverage, etc.

OP does have a stake in this. She needs to know the details of his income and what he is obligated to pay his ex so she can calculate how this would effect her if they decided to continue and maybe marry someday.

One thing that I don't understand is why this wasn't already all finalized in the divorce? I thought you said he divorced her already? Where I live, issues regarding custody, alimony, visitation, etc. are determined as part of the divorce process, not after. So why hasn't this already been resolved? Or has it and his ex keeps taking it back to court? Here, you can only go back to court once every 3 years to ask for a change unless there has been a change that impacts one or the other involved (like loss of income or disability, etc.)

The truth is, I'd be concerned if he DIDN'T care about her.

It isn't healthy for them to NOT get along. That I do agree with you on. They need to come to an understanding but they aren't there yet.

They have a child together. She's a major part of his life. She's always going to have a special place in his heart, even if you don't want him to. Accept it and let it go or move on. Why not *gasp* try to get along with her yourself instead of painting her as this awful ex? If you can't do that, then back out of it and think about whether or not you want to be in this situation for the rest of your life.

Usually, the details are already hammered out before the divorce becomes final. I find that odd, too. I wonder if perhaps he has concealed the final settlement from OP?

Where I live, you can take your ex back to court as many times as needed providing there has been a change in circumstances or when court orders are not being followed. The problem is that change in circumstances and following court orders seem to be largely open to interpretation. I've watched couples go back to court 10 times in a year disputing relatively minor things, like an unpaid medical co-pay of $40 the former couple disagree on who is responsible for. It can get ridiculous.

I agree co-parents need to be civil and have some kind of understanding between them to raise their child(ren).

I disagree re: being concerned if he doesn't care. There's care and there's care. Care about her the way he cares about any other human? Fine. Cares the same way one would care for an old friend who isn't part of their lives? Ok. Anything more than that and I figure the person isn't over the relationship and it's time for me to move on.

I also disagree that because a couple has a child or children together they are a major part of each others lives. Maybe that works for some. but certainly not all.

Most divorced co-parents I know, including me, don't consider their ex's any more a part of their lives than the kids teachers or sports coaches. Someone they talk to regarding the care of the children and see briefly a few times a month because of the children, but no more and certainly not a part of their lives in any personal or meaningful way.

Of course he cares about the mother of his children. That doesn't mean he wants to be married to her, or that he should be. Big difference. I fought with my ex - the guy that I left and divorced. I in no way wanted him back or loved him. I was done with the relationship and he wanted to fight me every step of the way because of that. It was pure crazy-making.

What he's doing is just typical divorce stuff. Marriages - even bad ones - are very hard to disentangle from. She needs to let him work it out. She's not his mommy.

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea of caring for someone in a personal way simply because you reproduced with them. Any two morons can meet, hop in a backseat 10 minutes later, and make a baby.

Care about how an ex's condition and lifestyle effect the kid(s)? Yes. care about them on a personal level after the divorce? Just don't get it.

What was crazy making for me when I divorced was that a lot of people assumed that because my ex and I fought, there must be something there. Absolutely untrue. We fought because we weren't compatible and couldn't agree on anything. Nothing more. And once the divorce was finalized, there was no reason to argue at all.

It was simple to me. Ex was out of my life other than pick up and drop off, our duties and responsibilities to the kids were in black and white, the end. Nothing more to say. If he wanted to debate or dispute something, he was free to do so through the court. No need to bother me personally.

I do agree she needs to let him work it out. He has to figure out how to disentangle himself regardless of OP's position in his life.

I hope he learns a couple of stock phrases. "I'm sorry you feel that way." "We aren't married anymore, so you need to sort that out on your own." "Please don't contact me unless it directly relates to our shared child." and "You are free to file a motion with the court." Best 4 disentangle phrases I have heard so far.

Edited January 28, 2016 by MJJean

January 28, 2016

The problem is, should this become a permanent relationship, what effects him financially effects her, too. Especially if they marry. In most states, when a couple marries, their credit and debts are combined. In addition, how it's all worked out can have a HUGE impact on tax filings and the ability to qualify for mortgages, insurance coverage, etc.

The OP is not in the U.S., at least that was my impression.

January 28, 2016

Liam, she was educated and employed when they married. They agreed she would be SAHM until the child went to school. After the child went to school, she refused to return to work. She reneged on the agreement.

The OP's former MM is paying alimony and child support in addition to healthcare and private school fees. The problem is that this woman wants more than she is legally entitled to and this causes strife between former MM and the OP.

IMHO, she needs to either learn to live within her means or increase her means with a full time job. I've watched way too many single mothers with anywhere from 2-6 younger children work full time while getting the bare minimum or no help from the exH's. I just can't muster much sympathy for this woman.

MMJean:

I like you. So I want to gently disagree. I work for a large company in upper management. I see it time and again..... if someone man or woman has been out of work for six years, I am very reluctant to hire them. So are most of my colleagues in my business as well as competing fields.

She may need to be re-schooled. Six years is a long time to become a dinosaur in this age of electronics and the rapid changes that ensue annually.

Also, if they live in the 'burbs. There really aren't very many high paying jobs.

As far as supporting his child. He should WANT to support his child. As far as alimony. How much would it cost this man to hire a nanny to take care of his child? He is too young to be left home alone until six or seven in the evening when the wife would get home from work.

As for the OP. Don't forget, this woman is her ex-husband's affair partner. I don't think she has very much empathy for her husband's affair partner. Would you?

Edited January 28, 2016 by Liam1
typo

January 28, 2016

One thing that I don't understand is why this wasn't already all finalized in the divorce? I thought you said he divorced her already? Where I live, issues regarding custody, alimony, visitation, etc. are determined as part of the divorce process, not after. So why hasn't this already been resolved? Or has it and his ex keeps taking it back to court? Here, you can only go back to court once every 3 years to ask for a change unless there has been a change that impacts one or the other involved (like loss of income or disability, etc.)

Aside from all of the above, I'm really concerned with why you are so full of anxiety about his issues with his ex. It's obvious that you are worried about trusting him and you should be. He already lied to you for 6 months. That's a long time to lie. He also lied to his wife and cheated on her. That's a discussion that has been on this thread many times but it isn't uncommon for there to be concern that he'll do the same to you. Somewhere along the line you are going to need to dig in deep and determine whether or not you can continue a relationship with a man that you have trust issues with. Is he really worth all this? Pages and pages of anxiety riddled posts about this man. If you want a healthy relationship with him, you'll have to stop trying to control his feelings and actions with his ex and focus on your own relationship with him. Let all of that go! Focus on who he is, how he treats you, are you happy being with him, can you deal with the fact that she isn't going to go away.

The truth is, I'd be concerned if he DIDN'T care about her. Just because it ended doesn't mean he doesn't care about her. It just means that they weren't a good fit... for whatever reason.

It isn't healthy for them to NOT get along. That I do agree with you on. They need to come to an understanding but they aren't there yet. You being in the middle of it isn't helping. Step back, let him deal with it. Give it time and see how it goes. If you live with him, maybe move out and get your own place until he's settled things with her. Or at least remove yourself from the situation. Let him deal with it his way and resolve it whatever way he needs to. He doesn't need you throwing tantrums on the side about every decision he makes.

I don't know, I guess I come from a viewpoint of hating all this hatred. They have a child together. She's a major part of his life. She's always going to have a special place in his heart, even if you don't want him to. Accept it and let it go or move on. Why not *gasp* try to get along with her yourself instead of painting her as this awful ex? If you can't do that, then back out of it and think about whether or not you want to be in this situation for the rest of your life.

I know for myself, if I chose to date a man with children then he and I both should be able to get along with his ex as best as possible without a lot of drama. Preferably, I'd like for all involved to be civil and get along. If that isn't happening, or can't happen, then I'd walk. It's too much stress otherwise. I've seen it happen... exes that can actually be friendly without too much issue. It's called being mature and putting the children first. Regardless of your past history with him (exOW or not) you should be able to trust him to deal with her without worrying that he's going to leave you for her.

When my h divorced they actually got the decree and then worked out the particulars afterward regarding splitting of assets. I know it is not the norm but does happen, esp. If there is a significant amount of money involved.

January 28, 2016

I'm chiming in again. The reason why I posted was to get different perspectives on a matter that I was struggling with. Once you spend a prolonged amount of time dealing with something by yourself, things can get skewed, and fresh outside input can be very helpful. I do feel that the intention of my original post and the message I tried to convey were misunderstood by some. I also wrote the original post at a time of distress, which lasted for a few days, and writing it all out was therapeutic.

As evident from this thread, alimony and rights (is that the right word I'm looking for?) of a new partner in a relationship with a divorced man in general are divisive topics, where emotions run very high. Everyone has their own past that influences them and values that color their view on the issue. In my case, I'm a fan of independence and personal responsibility. And I think it should apply to everyone. People are responsible for their choices. Choosing to be a SAHM comes with a degree of risk, and refusing to find a job even after you were supposed to according to the agreement you had with your spouse, is in my opinion, a luxury that comes with a high price. I too, have seen single parents really struggle to make it work. I see the necessity for alimony in certain cases. In BW's case, not so much. I've seen a lot of speculation on here, so let me clarify again:

1. She refused to find a job after son entered school, it was a huge point of tension in their marriage.

2. She was able to support herself before the son was born.

3. All of their son's expenses are covered by SO.

4. Son attends an excellent school and stays in school every day until 4 pm.

5. Said school is walking distance from their home, grandparent's home AND her sister's home.

6. Son is healthy, doing great, no behavioral issues. BM is healthy and able to work.

In this case, I see no reason why she should be exempt from working just because "she's the mother of his children". So what? I get that SO has a past, I get that there'll always be some sort of a connection. But giving birth to one child does not make you disabled and unable to work, and using a kid as your golden ticket to be entitled to free money for life is in my opinion, wrong and irresponsible.

And yes, I am aware I'm still toting around the baggage of the time he lied to me. The OW element is hard to delete. Mistrust lingers, hypersensitivity is present, jealousy bares its teeth. Hence posting this thread. I'm really trying to be aware of my part in this and work on fully healing. I want a normal relationship with this man. And for the record - I don't hate the BM. Their son is a wonderful person and she must have been doing something right as a parent to raise him so well. They both did. I respect that, tremendously. I would honestly love to have a better relationship with her, but given that I am the other woman her husband left her for, I seriously doubt that will ever happen.

January 28, 2016

And yes, I am aware I'm still toting around the baggage of the time he lied to me. The OW element is hard to delete. Mistrust lingers, hypersensitivity is present, jealousy bares its teeth. Hence posting this thread. I'm really trying to be aware of my part in this and work on fully healing. I want a normal relationship with this man. And for the record - I don't hate the BM. Their son is a wonderful person and she must have been doing something right as a parent to raise him so well. They both did. I respect that, tremendously. I would honestly love to have a better relationship with her, but given that I am the other woman her husband left her for, I seriously doubt that will ever happen.

ET:

I am glad you have so much insight into your own emotions about the situation.

What scares me is you say "mistrust lingers"

IMO, that will only get worse with time, not better.

You are picking up a lot of heavy baggage in this relationship, me thinks!

Think about it for awhile.

January 28, 2016

August is when school begins again, at least here, but that may be different where she lives. Most other parts of the country do school year round with a week or two off at set points. Even so, tens of millions of single working parents manage and in much more adverse conditions.

I can't imagine an 11 year old needs a freakin nanny. By 11, most kids can be home alone after school for a few hours until a parent comes home. If he's immature for his age, I'm sure she could arrange something, even just a neighbor to check on him.

I'm also pretty sure an 11 year old is capable of getting himself on and off the school bus, if transportation is provided, or she could arrange for him to be driven home by another parent.

Not to mention, if she did deem the kid needed some kind of latch key program or sitter, the child's father would be expected to pay all or a percentage of that cost.

She's had months to get her shyte straight, got more financially than she was entitled to, has an ex that actually pays his spousal and child support in addition to school fees and healthcare. I don't see any excuses for her.

I'm in Europe..August is school holidays across Europe as far as i know and you can't just leave an 11 year old at home all day through the holidays. Childcare or kids clubs aren't cheap....I paid £45 per day child in a kids club. An 11 year old wouldn't want a nanny.

There's no other parent I could ask or wanted to ask...I didn't want my kids bored all day.

I wouldn't want to ask a neighbour to check on my child ...These things are a personal choice for parents..you can't tell a mother what to do.

She probably won't earn a huge amount unless she's doing skilled professional work....even working full time.

Unfortunately. ...this is the real cost of divorce..it's no picnic.

January 29, 2016

I'm in Europe..August is school holidays across Europe as far as i know and you can't just leave an 11 year old at home all day through the holidays. Childcare or kids clubs aren't cheap....I paid £45 per day child in a kids club. An 11 year old wouldn't want a nanny.

There's no other parent I could ask or wanted to ask...I didn't want my kids bored all day.

I wouldn't want to ask a neighbour to check on my child ...These things are a personal choice for parents..you can't tell a mother what to do.

She probably won't earn a huge amount unless she's doing skilled professional work....even working full time.
Unfortunately. ...this is the real cost of divorce..it's no picnic.

First of all, she is working part time. An 11 year old, generally speaking, is capable of spending 4 hours at home.

The husband should pay support, of course, but this thought that he should have his life ruined, that the divorce does not call for severance of ties, is silly. Yes, of course, one in every ten thousand families have the Bruce Willis/Demi Moore dynamic but it is certainly not the norm.

The ex wife needs to realize this is her life now. She MUST find a way to support herself because eventually alimony and even child support will end. What then? He feels bad twenty years later because he moved on and she didn't save enough to retire? There are laws regarding support for a reason and they should be followed. If she cannot support herself on what she is making she needs schooling or a better job but she can't depend on him forever.

He should work out the particulars and follow them and she should not hound him forever regarding superfluous things. They have a child and will always be connected because of that, but beyond that? He needs to stop being a door mat and she needs to move on.

January 29, 2016

First of all, she is working part time. An 11 year old, generally speaking, is capable of spending 4 hours at home.

The husband should pay support, of course, but this thought that he should have his life ruined, that the divorce does not call for severance of ties, is silly. Yes, of course, one in every ten thousand families have the Bruce Willis/Demi Moore dynamic but it is certainly not the norm.

The ex wife needs to realize this is her life now. She MUST find a way to support herself because eventually alimony and even child support will end. What then? He feels bad twenty years later because he moved on and she didn't save enough to retire? There are laws regarding support for a reason and they should be followed. If she cannot support herself on what she is making she needs schooling or a better job but she can't depend on him forever.

He should work out the particulars and follow them and she should not hound him forever regarding superfluous things. They have a child and will always be connected because of that, but beyond that? He needs to stop being a door mat and she needs to move on.

It's been TWO months!!! Not 20 years. She lost her H to another woman and is reestablishing herself. Has a part-time ...going full-time in August(shows she's NOT expecting to live off of him) We don't know about the child's psychological state or if he's even ready to be left alone...have a heart...things take time.

January 29, 2016

It's been TWO months!!! Not 20 years. She lost her H to another woman and is reestablishing herself. Has a part-time ...going full-time in August(shows she's NOT expecting to live off of him) We don't know about the child's psychological state or if he's even ready to be left alone...have a heart...things take time.

I don't disagree. I am simply saying that making a bunch of excuses does not help her. If she were my child I would tell her to get busy taking care of herself.

I do think she needs support. She needs and deserves child support. But she has to take care of herself.

I was left to raise way more than six, the smallest not even sitting up yet. And I survived ed because I got it together and realized I HAD to.

January 29, 2016

It's been TWO months!!! Not 20 years. She lost her H to another woman and is reestablishing herself. Has a part-time ...going full-time in August(shows she's NOT expecting to live off of him) We don't know about the child's psychological state or if he's even ready to be left alone...have a heart...things take time.

Not to mention.... Its still none of OPs business what BW does with her time. None.

January 29, 2016

Not to mention.... Its still none of OPs business what BW does with her time. None.

I agree with this also. Unless she marries this guy. I would use this as an opportunity to see what I was dealing with regarding him far more than I would worry about the ex wife.

Although it is not easy.

January 29, 2016

ET,

I appreciate that you are in a situation that irks you. I feel that you think the BW is trying to take advantage of your DMM,and is trying to get money or assets she does not deserve. You've laid out all your facts about her, and your opinion of her is evident.

You are too focused on the BW. What she does, how she does it, why she does it, what she deserves... I get that her motivations and demands concern you, and you feel the need to protect what's yours. However, it's not entirely yours yet.

Her husband cheated on her, and left her for his AP. She has lost her marriage, her family is broken, life as she knows it is gone, and big changes loom on the horizon. Cut her some slack, show some compassion. You dabbled in her marriage, you got her man, and now you're dabbling in the settlement of her divorce.

Let him resolve this how HE feels is best. He may have feelings of guilt, sorrow, confusion, "ready to get this done already-itis". This is the mother of his son. This is his son's life. He's going to want to make sure they're OK. You would hope so, otherwise, what kind of man would that make him? You have to be OK with whatever he wants to do so he can feel good about this whole situation.

This is his family, yes, even BW too.

Whatever the two of them agree upon, I think you need to let it be.

Such is the risk of building a relationship with someone who is dismantling a marriage.

Sit on your hands, bite your tongue, be a place of peace and comfort. I feel your project in this transition is to work on your trust concerns of this man.

Edited January 29, 2016 by Dancewithme

January 29, 2016

I agree with this also. Unless she marries this guy. I would use this as an opportunity to see what I was dealing with regarding him far more than I would worry about the ex wife.

Although it is not easy.

The ex wife seems to be focusing on furthering herself financially...lining things up. The OP and her now S.O. Have not even reached a commitment place of aligning finances together., marriage, etc. one cannot get ahead of things. Things take time. She has trust issues with her S.O. Based on his previous lying...

Edited January 29, 2016 by Gigi2015

January 29, 2016

The ex wife seems to be focusing on furthering herself financially...lining things up. The OP and her now S.O. Have not even reached a commitment place of aligning finances together., marriage, etc. one cannot get ahead of things. Things take time. She has trust issues with her S.O. Based on his previous lying...

The ex very well may be doing just that, as would lots of women who not only were left raising a child on her own. It does take time. My only point was that the ex would do best taking care of herself as soon as possible and that OP should not get involved and should use this opportunity to see whAt kind of man he really is.

January 29, 2016

Sounds like she already took a step towards that by securing part-time work and aligning full-time work....

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Ex OW here, got back together with (ex)MM after his divorce. Problems persist.

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