Husband Stalling Having Children

[privategal]

Thought I responded to this but just quickly, we're not having sex so it has to be an actual planned event. But yes to everything you've said. He says he still believes in us but his actions are speaking louder than his words. Shrugs.

 

I'll stick to the plan of seeing the therapist, she deals in situations like this AND infertility just in case, and when he returns we can see her together. I'm willing to put a deadline on it given my ovaries aren't getting any younger! But yes, to me having a kid is more important. I would love nothing in this world to have him be the dad but if he's stilling because he's scared, not ready or really doesn't want kids afterall, it's not fair to keep me hostage

If your not having sex and not happy and the romance is gone...he is probably thinking the marriage already isnt great and can forsee kids being costly, limiting his lifestyle...and if he ever thought of divorce to find new passion and romance then this would tie him to child support etc. Are you sure he's not in an affair while traveling?

[leftright]

I have to say the comment about having kids before you met him would piss me off. I personally didn't want to have a child just for the sake of it. I wanted to be in love and married before I brought a child into this world. Two committed parents was my aim and I think it's the same for you OP.

 

If getting him to have sex is an issue...then you have a whole other problem on your hands.

 

If time is wasted..it's no fun spending $$$$$ with fertility specialists only to hear your egg production has diminished...or your only ovulating every other month. Then you'll be resentful of his dilly dallying.

 

Yeah I called him on saying it and mirror your feelings. And exactly, though thankfully fertility specialist are inexpensive in Oz but still... I believe I would be very resentful of the dilly dallying.

 

MJJean - Yep

 

Arieswoman / bathtub-row - Come on guys, just because someone changes their mind on children doesn't mean they're cheating. It just means that they don't want children or don't want one with me. There's no intuition or evidence of that. If he cheated it'd make it much easier to break things off! But no.

 

Arieswoman - I don't think it's a similar case aside that I want kids and he may not. If anything I'd be "your ex-husband" as I'm the one who wants children and currently he's denying me but I would never cheat, I'd be upfront and honest and just move on.

[leftright]

I have to say the comment about having kids before you met him would piss me off. I personally didn't want to have a child just for the sake of it. I wanted to be in love and married before I brought a child into this world. Two committed parents was my aim and I think it's the same for you OP.

 

 

Just to add. That's the statement that set me off and brought me here (until I can go the therapy). It was rather cruel and vicious and telling. When I brought up him saying it, he said he was asking, bull. It was a statement. I don't know guys, I think honestly this is the end. I don't want to struggle with someone or fight with them about keeping their promise to extend the family nor do I want to force someone if it's not what they want. And quite honestly I don't want someone who let something like that slip out of their mouth.

 

It's quite easy to ignore but the reality of it is, people tend to speak their truth, you just gotta listen to what they're saying.

[leftright]

If your not having sex and not happy and the romance is gone...he is probably thinking the marriage already isnt great and can forsee kids being costly, limiting his lifestyle...and if he ever thought of divorce to find new passion and romance then this would tie him to child support etc. Are you sure he's not in an affair while traveling?

 

Romance isn't gone, but the sex after 7 years is not as vibrant or frequent as we used to be. We're still intimate, kissing, hugging/snuggling, holding hands, dates, etc.

 

Re affair, No he's not, I'm 100% sure. He's at his parents home, they're elderly and it's both his parents 70th so he's visiting them for a couple of months to celebrate those milestones.

 

I've been cheated on before by a partner, I know the signs, and in this relationship there's nothing that has happened that has ever indicated that scenario. We also have access to each other's cell, fb, email, computer, etc. and I'm in charge of paying the bills - if he were able to sneak an affair in, it'd be quite the feat.

 

And re support... I'm actually the money maker in the family, if anything I'd probably have to pay him spousal support, not sure child support would even be considered. *He works, I just have my own business and its doing very well.

[MJJean]

I have to say the comment about having kids before you met him would piss me off. I personally didn't want to have a child just for the sake of it. I wanted to be in love and married before I brought a child into this world. Two committed parents was my aim and I think it's the same for you OP.

 

I'm sure every woman who has waited had her reasons. But the reality is that fertility is finite. A woman pregnant at 35 or older is automatically classified as "high risk" and the pregnancy referred to as a "geriatric pregnancy". Post 35, a woman's fertility is decreasing and her chances of miscarriage are increasing along with the chances for birth defects and maternal-fetal complications during pregnancy and birth.

 

Waiting until 35 or older to start trying to conceive, especially with out medical intervention, is simply biologically unsound.

 

Women can say they delayed motherhood for <reasons>, but the body doesn't much care about <reasons>. The reality is, if the delay is too long, there is chance of it never happening.

 

 

Romance isn't gone, but the sex after 7 years is not as vibrant or frequent as we used to be. We're still intimate, kissing, hugging/snuggling, holding hands, dates, etc.

 

If you're still intimate and not TTC, it does sound like he doesn't want a baby, either with you or with anyone. Maybe he did want children when you married and has decided he's too old and/or set in his ways to have one now. Maybe he's figured out that he wants a baby in theory, but not in practice.

 

If he doesn't want to be a father for real, at least he figured it out BEFORE a child was conceived.

 

None of the speculation helps, though. You're still short on time and a decision needs to be made. Either you stay together and TTC, you stay together and accept not having children, or you split up and at least one of you goes on to try for a child. If you stay in limbo, nature will make the decision for you.

[bathtub-row]

Arieswoman / bathtub-row - Come on guys, just because someone changes their mind on children doesn't mean they're cheating. It just means that they don't want children or don't want one with me. There's no intuition or evidence of that. If he cheated it'd make it much easier to break things off! But no.

 

I didn't suggest that he might be cheating because of him not wanting kids. I suggest it because you said you guys don't have sex. You're making the same mistake that most women make when it comes to underestimating how important sex is to men. Not having sex and his arrogance toward you almost certainly means he's having an affair.

[SJS]

I didn't suggest that he might be cheating because of him not wanting kids. I suggest it because you said you guys don't have sex. You're making the same mistake that most women make when it comes to underestimating how important sex is to men. Not having sex and his arrogance toward you almost certainly means he's having an affair.

Or he "shut off" sex to avoid a possible pregnancy...

[leftright]

I didn't suggest that he might be cheating because of him not wanting kids. I suggest it because you said you guys don't have sex. You're making the same mistake that most women make when it comes to underestimating how important sex is to men. Not having sex and his arrogance toward you almost certainly means he's having an affair.

 

Are you kidding me? Lol. So here's the thing. I'm actually the one with the high sex drive, you're underestimating how important sex is to women. Please don't group all women into that stereotype because it's simply not true. I embrace sex and my sexuality and slowing down has been challenging but I love him so I was willing to embrace other ways of intimacy.

 

I guess that a lot of the conversations and relationship problems here often have to do with infidelity which is why it continues to be brought up?

 

Cant' it just be as simple as what others have said... he's changed his mind? People can do that without resorting to cheating.

 

 

SJS - Or he "shut off" sex to avoid a possible pregnancy...

 

Yes I considered this as well. I mean yes he was depressed when he first arrived due to what I mentioned earlier, not being able to work, so I gave him space and encouraged him to find other ways to be happy until he could. But then it just continued - re the lack of sex. We shall see I suppose.

[leftright]

I'm sure every woman who has waited had her reasons. But the reality is that fertility is finite.

 

None of the speculation helps, though. You're still short on time and a decision needs to be made. Either you stay together and TTC, you stay together and accept not having children, or you split up and at least one of you goes on to try for a child. If you stay in limbo, nature will make the decision for you.

 

Mine was that I wasn't in a relationship earlier and I figured, especially after we had spoken about it... we were on that track. Nope.

 

But there's truth in your words and that's pretty much the point where I'm at ie either TTC or split and explore my options. It's that important to me. Of course I'd love TTC with my husband, but it really isn't looking like it's going to go that way.

[BlueIris]

I got divorced because my exH moved the goalposts, as Arieswoman put it, 11-12 years into our marriage and on a point that we had agreed to before we married. It was a huge issue (but not children) and he simply changed his mind and said, no. I couldn’t live the rest of my life married to someone who made unilateral decisions for me, not with me. So I had two choices- do the same to him (make a unilateral decision and let him just deal with it) or tell him that it was too important to me so we should get divorced and have an easy amicable divorce.

 

Just to add. That's the statement that set me off and brought me here (until I can go the therapy). It was rather cruel and vicious and telling. When I brought up him saying it, he said he was asking, bull. It was a statement. I don't know guys, I think honestly this is the end. I don't want to struggle with someone or fight with them about keeping their promise to extend the family nor do I want to force someone if it's not what they want. And quite honestly I don't want someone who let something like that slip out of their mouth.

 

That was a very revealing statement. It’s also odd that when he moved he was disappointed that his old friends had changed. People change, usually voluntarily and happily.

 

Parenthood is wonderful even if you don’t have a partner and I wouldn’t give it up for the world. I’ve known quite a few people who had children either with a donor/surrogate or through adoption. While you’re going to therapy, with or without him, I see no downside to getting eggs frozen and seeing the doctors to get ready for your future as a parent.

[leftright]

I got divorced because my exH moved the goalposts, as Arieswoman put it, 11-12 years into our marriage and on a point that we had agreed to before we married. It was a huge issue (but not children) and he simply changed his mind and said, no. I couldn’t live the rest of my life married to someone who made unilateral decisions for me, not with me. So I had two choices- do the same to him (make a unilateral decision and let him just deal with it) or tell him that it was too important to me so we should get divorced and have an easy amicable divorce.

 

That was a very revealing statement. Its also odd that when he moved he was disappointed that his old friends had changed. People change, usually voluntarily and happily.

 

Parenthood is wonderful even if you don’t have a partner and I wouldn’t give it up for the world. I’ve known quite a few people who had children either with a donor/surrogate or through adoption. While you’re going to therapy, with or without him, I see no downside to getting eggs frozen and seeing the doctors to get ready for your future as a parent.

 

Yes agreed 100%.

 

And the funny thing about moving here, I kind of had a feeling that it would be a little difficult for him as it had been a couple of years since he stayed here for an extended time, and his friends had simply moved on - they're all friendly but they're all living their own lives. So I tried to urge him for me to immigrate to Oz. We're both travelers but I think for me it's a bit easier to just go with the flow.

 

But yes and yes. I'll look into the frozen egg possibility this week and have been seeing doctors, I started when we first spoke about trying, to check my levels and make sure things are a-okay (I've gotten good feedback from them). I've thought about adoption but I think this is something I would have to do alone, I figure if he doesn't want a biological kid he wouldn't want an adopted one. Of course I'd love being pregnant and passing the genes down, but if I'm unable then I have no problem adopting, well if I can. I'm open. A kid is a kid.

[love4eva]

He's got a point. You could have had a child earlier in life and chose not to. That can't be pinned on him.

 

Now, not having a child after discussing it is partially his fault. It's also partially your fault. You let months of precious time pass before bringing it up. You pussyfooted around with the issue and did nag about it after a while. All you really had to do was say "We agreed to have kids. My fertility is waning. I'm going off birth control. If we have sex, it could lead to procreation." At that point, if he had any objections, he could choose not to participate.

 

 

sorry..this post makes no sense to me...

 

 

first of all...women are often in their early thirties still not mothers for multitudes of reasons...careers, long-term relationship ended because some jerk couldn't realise how lucky they were..family issues etc...

 

 

the thread title says "husband"....this for me...is the dealbreaker.

 

 

Listen to husband...let him sleep..in the morning = dear john letter

 

 

if he didn't want kids..then excuse me..why did he wlak down the aisle with u?????????

 

 

I can understand the situation if he already has kids

or..

you told him u don't want kids and now change your mind..

 

 

but really...this guy has rocks in his head if he thinks women walk down the aisle not intending to have kids if they haven't b4.

[Trishern]

Any update o your situation?