whoatemycookie Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) I'm not sure where this goes... but I'm sure the admins will move it. I've been having a very tough time with my break up. Very toxic relationship, much emotional abuse and a lot of hurt. And no contact has not gone very well. So I would really appreciate any advice that this forum can give. I met a guy in May of last year through a dating app (not a reputable one). At first he was a little weird to me - kinda aloof. He wanted more from the first date and I said no. The next day he was all about saying how much he couldn't wait to see me and he such a good time yet I was quick to point out that it was a little stalkerish given I didn't know anything about him and he me. We ended the day fighting and that was it. Anyhoo... feeling a little bad about it I asked about whether he wanted to something the following day which happened to be a Friday and we ended up spending the weekend together. I don't know what it was... but I ended up mentioning then that he was the guy I was supposed to marry. I think that was cat altar in this. From then on, he went to marriage overload. Moving in. Picking out names for our kids. I didn't think much of it... I just went along with it until his behaviour started to change and I became a little neurotic. At this point, I want to back up. On our first date, given that he was a little aloof and not talking about himself much, I just asked the random question: how long did your last relationship last? (usually I don't care, mine a fairly unremarkable anyway) and he said 2 months. However, facebook and instagram said another story. 2 years in fact - totally intimate until the day they broke up (a week after valentines day and he still sent her flowers, she had moved out by then). I thought that was strange & asked him about it and he said he only said 2 months because it seemed that long. Okay - whatever. But that answer didn't sit well with me and was constant thing in our relationship. I just didn't trust him. He then started to promise to do activities with me but cancel (sometimes telling me and sometimes not) and take the neighbours wife instead (whom came with us on all our dates). It just seemed awkward. I mean I'm not an angry person, but these things made me frustrated, confused and irrational. Anyhoo - long story short. Charming person that he was, I ended up lending him money so he could square a way any problems that might hinder us in the future (he was going through bankruptcy - another red flag, I know) which he was grateful for. However, once he actually used that money, he dumped me. Then slept with someone else. Now this might not all seem like a lot written down but going through it seemed very emotional. Every time I would get ditched for the next door neighbours wife I would call him an a-hole (and probably some other names and say it hurt me and WTF?) but instead of apologising he would then ask me to apologise for my reaction to it because my words hurt him. Sometimes when I refused he would say that I rarely apologised. I didn't know at the time but a friend pointed out after the fact that was classic abuse... but today I still feel like I am to blame for all of it because he ultimately said that me pointing all that out and being "draining" and "taxing" was the reason he broke up with me. So this happened in August 2015. I went on an ultimate tirade because I'm like going WTF just happened. Here was the guy saying he wanted to be in it hell or high water yet bailed because of teething problems (or so I thought) and the fact we didn't know each other. And plus I'm still reeling that this guy got away with my money so I'm cussing him out non-stop for literally 5 months (restraining order cussing, mind you). I sometimes hate reading these forums because ppl write that if you want him back stick to the no contact but its obviously too late for that and he has moved on (which hurts because for some strange reason I miss him). But then again - do I really want a guy who treated me this way even though I knew he was my one the second date we had? I don't know... sometimes I feel ty like its all my fault that I was angry person and didn't let things be as they were... but I don't think I was wrong expressing how I felt. No contact officially started December 9th when I filed papers to take him to court to get my money back which he tried to get out of... but he still makes me angry and upset, more with myself (considering I did leave a couple of times but he won me back because he said he was scared and subsequently hurts people) that I was sucked into this and made me into a person that I'm not. That's the hard part to get over. Anyway, thought I might share. Just been really tough. Thinking that you've actually met the one and you end my feeling worse than ever. Edited January 21, 2016 by whoatemycookie Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 You don't seem to have any clear boundaries and limits. He walked all over you because he could. You let him just walk into your life and change it. Don't ever do that. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author whoatemycookie Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 You're basing this on what? Who says I didnt? And thanks for not making me feel even more like ****. Kudos to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 You're basing this on what? Who says I didnt? And thanks for not making me feel even more like ****. Kudos to you. Read what you wrote and you will understand my comment. Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I think you have a lot of work to do on yourself - we all do. However a few things raise some red flags to me when reading your post. There's the fact that you wish you did no contact because you think he was the one and now it's too late for that and it seems you want him back and wish he would come back to you. Also, the fact that you still feel he's the one even after he treated you like total crap. The reality is that he's not the one as evidenced by his actions. This guy has serious issues. He lied to you about how long a relationship lasted, would cancel on you and go out with his neighbor's wife instead, and she accompanied you and him on all of your dates. Regardless of his words-saying he wanted to marry you and have kids or whatever-his actions told a different story, and his actions are what matter more than anything. Forget that you felt you were going to marry him. That is irrelevant now. This guy treated you like dirt and you let him do so. Satu is right about the boundary thing. You need to learn to love yourself so that you don't let people walk all over you, mistreat, and disrespect you as this guy did. Take care of yourself and truly learn to love yourself and once you heal, you will see how this was a toxic relationship, doomed from the moment he lied to you about the length of his prior relationship. This guy is not a catch and didn't value you. Do you value you? If so, why are you still thinking he is a good match for you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tobrieornottobrie Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 It sounds like this has been a very difficult situation for you, I'm sorry that you're hurting. Would you be open to the idea of maybe seeing a counselor or therapist of some sort? It may prove really helpful to have an unbiased professional to talk to about everything that's happened. I hope that things get easier for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Sorry you are hurt . Unfortunately there people who take advantage on nice people and use them. That man is a vey bad person please stop wishing to have him back. If you have your money back. Move on . He is not worth. Link to post Share on other sites
TakeItOrLeaveIt85 Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 I'm so so sorry to read this, although I better get used to saying that having just joined, doubt many of us have endless happy endings!! However as I started, it's horrible to experience such a false faker such as your ex, I find (from very personal experience) that relationships that start fast or false (marriage mode so soon??) end badly and very quickly, but of course that's just my experience! It's awfully hard to move on, even when they have wronged you, when you spent much of the relationship unhappy...you can't help thinking about nice moments you shared. You just have to focus on the fact that you will never know where you stand with a person like that!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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