Groomsmen Gifts

[UltimateZen]

Just a question: Could I avoid giving groomsmen gifts if I know that the guys who are on my side could care less about getting something? My problem is that my fiance is set on making sure I get some sort of gift to give to the guys because it is "tradition". My arguement is that I have already treated them to a good dinner/drinks as a thank you. Why do I have to spend more money on gifts? We have already spent mucho bucks on this wedding, why not eliminate a "tradition" that frankly, I have no interest in following. I am not about to get the guys pocketwatches or cufflinks or some trinket that is tacky to give just to fulfill a tradition.

 

Any feedback would help.

[moimeme]

So give them gift certificates for CDs or tickets to sports events. And don't be such a cheapskate. Unless you are paying ALL their other bills including the suit rentals and travel and hotel bills, you can't whine about spending too much.

[CurlyIam]

Wedding isn't the best occasion to save a buck, ZEN. IT says a lot about a person, it's supposed to be the most important day of your life. How many grooms do you have, 12? If you don't care about tradition, do it for your future wife's sake!

[beesknees]

Originally posted by moimeme

So give them gift certificates for CDs or tickets to sports events. And don't be such a cheapskate.

 

These are good ideas, and you can't skimp on this wedding tradition. When these guys get married, they will be buying one of these traditional trinkets for you as well if you're in the wedding party.

[UltimateZen]

Wouldn't call my question whining; the fact that we have already spent more money on the wedding than the average (which is to this day $30,000) wedding plus have purchased a house is enough to at least prompt consideration. My future wife has purchased pearls for all the bridesmaids and flower girls...what am I supposed to get the guys? Rolex watches? New sets of golf clubs? On the flipside, if I get them a trinket it will obviously be upstaged by the bridesmaids gifts. So by avoiding the gift itself, I not only save money but I can avoid any downplay of gifts.

 

Plus, I was in the weddings for the majority of my groomsmen and I had never received a gift for being in the bridal party. With that in mind, I can justify that a groomsmen gift is not necessary. It is not a matter of being cheap; it is being realistic. Everybody, especially women, think that a wedding is a time to bleed money to fulfill every fantasy. But when that fantasy is over, what happens afterwards? All of a sudden, the bank accounts are empty, bills are due, and the new couple is having to scrimp and pinch to get by. Fortunately, my fiance and I are in a position where we can have the luxury of both: a cinderella wedding and a secure future. But that still does not give a go-ahead pass to just spend money for no reason: like gifts to the wedding party. Who the hell thought of this anyway? Over 3 billion is made in wedding industry; so it is a business. Cut expenditures when inappropriate. That is how I see it.

[Moose]

UltimateZen.........[font=century gothic][color=red]IT'S ONLY MONEY!!!![/color][/font]This is your future wife's only wedding.

 

My Brother gave all of us groomsmen slick pocket knives with our names inscribed on them. I think they were 20 bucks each.......it was the best gift I could ever get.........so what's the big deal?

 

If you're so set like you say you are, this would be a non-issue.

[UltimateZen]

Originally posted by Moose

UltimateZen.........[font=century gothic][color=red]IT'S ONLY MONEY!!!![/color][/font]This is your future wife's only wedding.

 

My Brother gave all of us groomsmen slick pocket knives with our names inscribed on them. I think they were 20 bucks each.......it was the best gift I could ever get.........so what's the big deal?

 

If you're so set like you say you are, this would be a non-issue.

 

 

What does groomsmen gifts have anything to do with my "future wife's only wedding" You think that every women, when they dream about their wedding take into account the groomsmen's gifts? C'mon that is just ridiculous.

 

I don't think it is a matter of money, but a matter of principle. I have a hard time justifying this expenditure. It could be $20 or $2000; why spend the money when I know the groomsmen could care less about getting a gift. Why would someone get someone a gift when they don't care if they receive one or not? If I can get by that question then I can justify getting the gift.

 

I know that in the end I will cave in and get the guys the gifts only because it means so much to my fiance. Plus if I don't, then she will. I've learned that it is best not to upset this event in any way....but I have also realized that you just can't say "yes" to everything simply because it is "tradition." Case in point: it is tradition that that all guests give a money gift equal to the portion of the meals that are served to them. At $115 a plate, each couple should give $230 as a money gift plus a registry gift. But that does not happen because people only adhere to tradition when it benefits them. Some traditions call for a money dance. Who thought up this? Very tacky. To give a formal wedding and then ask to pay to dance with the bride and groom; not very sophisticated, but nonetheless is considered a tradition. We are not having a money dance, so therefore we are not adhering to "tradition." My point is this: just because we do not follow certain "traditions" does not mean that we are taking away from the wedding. Not giving groomsmen gifts is not going to send this wedding into a downward spiral ending in utter disappointment. Saying yes to some traditions and no to others are decisions that every bride and groom face. Why not at least question the gifts to the groomsmen?

[moimeme]

I don't think it is a matter of money, but a matter of principle

 

Then you've lost entirely because the principle is that groomsmen gifts are given

 

Case in point: it is tradition that that all guests give a money gift equal to the portion of the meals that are served to them

 

Since when? You don't read Miss Manners much, do ya?

[blind_otter]

AS a gift to the groomsmen when we got married my exH paid for their tuxedo rentals. I thought that was a nice gesture.

 

In turn, I paid for all my bridesmaids dresses. They were happy to be lifted of the expensive burden.

 

Just a thought.

[Moose]

GEEEEEZ.......OK, let's examine what you just wrote:

What does groomsmen gifts have anything to do with my "future wife's only wedding" You think that every women, when they dream about their wedding take into account the groomsmen's gifts? C'mon that is just ridiculous.

Then you say:

Why would someone get someone a gift when they don't care if they receive one or not? If I can get by that question then I can justify getting the gift.

AND In your very next breathe you say:

I know that in the end I will cave in and get the guys the gifts only because it means so much to my fiance.

You contradict yourself. Of course it's important to your future wife for you to follow tradition by giving your groomsmen a gift. It shows honor for having them. She'd love to see her new husband honoring others......it's tradition.

 

You're not looking at the big picture. This is supposed to be your one and only wedding. You don't question tradition, you don't try to skimp out financially either........frankly, I feel a little bad for your fiance' if you're worried so much about spending money on her wedding.

 

My FIL paid for our wedding, (which is traditional).........he's not the well to do guy some of us are......but I'll tell you this, money wasn't an object for his daughter. And it shouldn't be for you either. I gave my groomsmen each a watch, (won't tell what brand), with our wedding date and a thanks for being a part of it.

 

Come on......isn't your fiance' worth it? Quit your bitchin' and go all out for crying out loud.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by Moose

 

My Brother gave all of us groomsmen slick pocket knives with our names inscribed on them. I think they were 20 bucks each.......it was the best gift I could ever get.........so what's the big deal?

 

 

My exH gave our groomsmen pocket knives....by the end of the night they were throwing them at the wall to POP the balloons.

 

The next day we put our jeans on and the butts were cut out of them!!! (They had been in the bags in the trunk of the car)

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Moose

It shows honor for having them. She'd love to see her new husband honoring others......it's tradition.

 

You're not looking at the big picture. This is supposed to be your one and only wedding. You don't question tradition, you don't try to skimp out financially either........frankly, I feel a little bad for your fiance' if you're worried so much about spending money on her wedding.

 

I dunno. I actually had a wedding planner (e-gads what an outrageous expense, but a load off my mind during the organizational process)....she told us that nowadays many people create their own traditions.

 

For example, I didn't want wedding gifts. Made me feel greedy, grabby, and materialistc.

 

So I chose 5 charities and asked that our guests donate whatever they felt they could to one of those charities. Not traditional, but we created our own and I was much more satisfied with that, than getting 5 breadmakers and 3 toasters.

[UltimateZen]

Originally posted by moimeme

 

 

Then you've lost entirely because the principle is that groomsmen gifts are given

 

 

 

Since when? You don't read Miss Manners much, do ya?

 

Every wedding that I ever attend I make sure that my monetary gift equals the meal plus I give a wedding gift under the bridal registry.

 

 

Originally posted by Moose

GEEEEEZ.......OK, let's examine what you just wrote:Then you say:AND In your very next breathe you say:You contradict yourself. Of course it's important to your future wife for you to follow tradition by giving your groomsmen a gift. It shows honor for having them. She'd love to see her new husband honoring others......it's tradition.

 

You're not looking at the big picture. This is supposed to be your one and only wedding. You don't question tradition, you don't try to skimp out financially either........frankly, I feel a little bad for your fiance' if you're worried so much about spending money on her wedding.

 

My FIL paid for our wedding, (which is traditional).........he's not the well to do guy some of us are......but I'll tell you this, money wasn't an object for his daughter. And it shouldn't be for you either. I gave my groomsmen each a watch, (won't tell what brand), with our wedding date and a thanks for being a part of it.

 

Come on......isn't your fiance' worth it? Quit your bitchin' and go all out for crying out loud.

 

The contradiction lies in the fact that I have am battling with myself how I will proceed with my problem. Go back and read my original question before you go off and make statements as if I had already made the decision. I thought these posts were to be helpful to promote discussion and to help with answers. Quite frankly, I am not bitchin'. Sure I could go all out but show some sort of restraint for god sakes. Your woman must say jump and you are already in the air. I am only rationalizing the concept of tradition in weddings. People go to all lengths to put on a party as if it was an open check not once questioning anything when it is being planned. Before you know it wedding costs fluctuate above and beyond what was originally thought. Sure the brides parents are responsible for paying for the wedding; but not if they take 2nd or 3rd mortgages out on the house to pay for it and wind up living in a trailer because they spend so much just to give a party. In my case the costs were split between all 3 families: my fiance and I, my parents and her parents; with us fitting a good portion of the costs. Lastly, it is not her wedding cheech. It is ours.

[SexKitten]

so you have money to spend on a 30,000 dollar wedding (which isn't as bad as could be, actually) and a house, but you don't want to spend an extra what, 2-300 on your hroomsmen?

 

ew.

[moimeme]

Every wedding that I ever attend I make sure that my monetary gift equals the meal plus I give a wedding gift under the bridal registry

 

That's nice of you, but it's neither expected nor is it tradition.

 

I think this is one of the few expenses you have control over and that's why you are itching to go cheap on it. But it's a little late to try that now. I'm not in your financial league, but even if I was, I wouldn't spend that much dough on a wedding. It is, after all, just one day. However, since you already are spending all that dough, then your buds, whether or not they say they want a gift, will think you some sort of cheap b*stard for chintzing on them when you've paid all this much for the rest of the wedding and probably told them so. So bite the bullet. They're your friends, right? So you know stuff they'd like. This is your chance to celebrate your friends, too, so do so and try to take pleasure in it.

[UltimateZen]

Originally posted by SexKitten

so you have money to spend on a 30,000 dollar wedding (which isn't as bad as could be, actually) and a house, but you don't want to spend an extra what, 2-300 on your hroomsmen?

 

ew.

 

 

X 6 Groomsmen. Plus the $30,000 figure is an average. Boy, does anyone ever read these posts....just emotionally react to things they choose to see. Read my last post carefully; am I so wrong to at least consider cutting this cost? My thank you's came in the form of dinner/drinks/tuxedos/putting their families up in a hotel/providing a night of entertainment. Isn't $4000 enough spent on "thank you"? Sure, in your position, an extra 2-300 per groomsman isn't that bad. Ew on you; try looking at the bigger picture and not the one that is in fantasyland; but the real world.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by UltimateZen

X 6 Groomsmen. Plus the $30,000 figure is an average. Boy, does anyone ever read these posts....just emotionally react to things they choose to see. Read my last post carefully; am I so wrong to at least consider cutting this cost? My thank you's came in the form of dinner/drinks/tuxedos/putting their families up in a hotel/providing a night of entertainment. Isn't $4000 enough spent on "thank you"? Sure, in your position, an extra 2-300 per groomsman isn't that bad. Ew on you; try looking at the bigger picture and not the one that is in fantasyland; but the real world.

 

Hey, IMO, dinner/drinks/tuxedos/putting their families up in a hotal/providing a night of entertainment is gift enough.

 

I mean that sincerely. Other people will probably disagree with me, but I think that's fine. It's a damn materialistic world we live in.

 

Hell, after hearing that you are spending $30,000 - if I ever get married again, I'm going to Vegas. Nowadays what IS a traditional wedding, anyways? It's a day that you and future wifey share. If you are both happy, than IMO that should be the litmus test. Not what anyone else thinks.

[SexKitten]

i don't think i am the one who needs to look at the bigger picture.

[UltimateZen]

Originally posted by moimeme

 

 

That's nice of you, but it's neither expected nor is it tradition.

 

I think this is one of the few expenses you have control over and that's why you are itching to go cheap on it. But it's a little late to try that now. I'm not in your financial league, but even if I was, I wouldn't spend that much dough on a wedding. It is, after all, just one day. However, since you already are spending all that dough, then your buds, whether or not they say they want a gift, will think you some sort of cheap b*stard for chintzing on them when you've paid all this much for the rest of the wedding and probably told them so. So bite the bullet. They're your friends, right? So you know stuff they'd like. This is your chance to celebrate your friends, too, so do so and try to take pleasure in it.

 

 

You are not one defining tradition; so you cannot say what is or is not tradition; nor can I for that matter. I doubt they think of me as a cheap B*stard because my friends already know how much I do for them. And it is not a matter of biting the bullet; I just cannot fathom why we think tradition in weddings is so crucial when not every wedding follows tradition in today's world.

 

To continue, I have had equal say in the expeditures of the wedding; my fiance and I are very close, very much in love, and have made decisions that will provide the best possible wedding for US. We will definitley have wonderful day; I just thought this post would help me better understand why the concepts of "Tradition" have such a profound drive on weddings today. Very few people ever question this rational because it is expected. In my case, the topic of gifts to groomsmen when my fiance and I are already providing a wonderful night for them and their families is an expenditure that can be dropped. But as I said in my previous post, I have not made a decision on my opinion for these gifts I am just trying to see arguements for both sides.

[Moose]

I thought these posts were to be helpful to promote discussion and to help with answers.

And you're getting what you asked for.........

Your woman must say jump and you are already in the air.

I don't think so. You see, there's a big difference in catering to the one you love because you love her.......and doing what she wants because she told you to. I will jump for her whenever she wants, (within reason), because I love here, and without a doubt she loves me.

 

So you want to save money.....save money.....it's not my wedding. I'm just saying it's only money. Money is materialistic........this is a wedding, a celebration, a memory that'll last a lifetime. You can't put a price on it so stop trying and let it go!

[moimeme]

You are not one defining tradition; so you cannot say what is or is not tradition

 

Um. There's this thing called 'research' which leads to finding 'information'. Which is what I do for a living. I don't make stuff up. Now I can give you an armful of references if you like. Better yet, just go buy a Miss Manners book for yourself.

[billybadass36]

Originally posted by UltimateZen

X 6 Groomsmen. Plus the $30,000 figure is an average. Boy, does anyone ever read these posts....just emotionally react to things they choose to see. Read my last post carefully; am I so wrong to at least consider cutting this cost? My thank you's came in the form of dinner/drinks/tuxedos/putting their families up in a hotel/providing a night of entertainment. Isn't $4000 enough spent on "thank you"? Sure, in your position, an extra 2-300 per groomsman isn't that bad. Ew on you; try looking at the bigger picture and not the one that is in fantasyland; but the real world.

 

Dude, relax. Those dinner/drinks/tuxedos/putting their families up in a hotel/providing a night of entertainment, are things that you're doing to make the wedding special for you and your soon to be wife. These are not items that express a great deal of gratitude that you should feel for the men that are standing by you on your wedding day as you exchange vows with the woman you love and will love for the rest of your life. These men are (and likely have been for some years now) very special persons in your and your fiancee's lives and will, in all likelihood, continue to be part of your support network as you live your marriage.

 

The dinner/drinks/tuxedos/hotel rooms/night of entertainment are not thanking them for being there for you in the past, present and into the future (not to mention standing by you as you utter the most important promises you'll make in your life). Those are aspects of the celebration of your marriage, not intimate gifts thanking them for being there for you. Speaking of traditions, traditionally, the groomsmen get their own tuxedos. Traditionally, they get their own hotel rooms unless it's a destination wedding. Traditionally, the wedding couple and/or their families pay for the partay. The partay is not a "gift", but a celebration of the rite of passage that you're going through, the love that you share with your soon to be wife, and a chance for everyone to share in the joy of the future you will have together. The party is not a "gift" to anyone.

 

You do NOT neet to spend 2-300 dollars per groomsman. If you get them a nice personalized knicknack, you should be fine, and you can accomplish this for 2-300 dollars, total. Example: my father makes handmade knives. I'm buying the materials and helping him make handmade knives for my groomsmen with their names engraved on the blade. This is a nice thoughtful gift that I'm giving them with a bit of my own sweat and like $20-30 each. Not a big deal.

 

I think you are being a bit of a groom-zilla on this issue. It really isn't that HUGE of an ordeal.

[HokeyReligions]

You mean we were supposed to give gifts to the wedding party!!!??!

 

Seriously though, what do you see as a good compromise? What would show your friends that you appreciate them being there and serve as a "gift" that would satisfy your bride? What would make it fun for you? Talk to your bride about it. You are right - the wedding is for both of you, although I know many consider the wedding for the bride.

 

I can't imagine spending that kind of money on a wedding -- even if I had it to spend. It's seriously important for many though and I don't want to discredit that.

 

Does your bride see this as HER wedding? If she does then let her take care of the gifts for everyone. If you are both paying for the wedding - set a budget and let her figure out what she can get within that budget. If the guys don't want gifts then it doesn't matter what she gets for them.

 

If she agrees that the wedding is for both of you, then insist that you have some say-so regarding the groomsmen that you invited. It won't reflect poorly on her, and if it does -- it's the problem of the people who think less of her, not her problem. If you do want to show your groomsmen that you appreciate their participation and support -- take 'em out for a drink, get them each a drink with a little umbrella and they can keep the umbrella as their wedding souvenir!

 

 

 

Weddings are too stressful. Elope!

[UltimateZen]

Originally posted by moimeme

 

 

Um. There's this thing called 'research' which leads to finding 'information'. Which is what I do for a living. I don't make stuff up. Now I can give you an armful of references if you like. Better yet, just go buy a Miss Manners book for yourself.

 

I research a great deal myself; but one cannot truly dictate what is tradition and what is not. Weddings on the East Coast vs. West Coast vs. Europe all differ. I was not implying you made it up.

 

Originally posted by billybadass36

 

 

I think you are being a bit of a groom-zilla on this issue. It really isn't that HUGE of an ordeal.

 

Perhaps; and as I said in my previous posts, I am only trying to rationalize the expenditure.

[blind_otter]

Man when I got married I guess I blew all the rules.

 

Well Miss Manners can blow me, anyways. It's the year 2005, ferchrissake, not 1805. I'm sure your buddies will cry themselves to sleep at night and hate you forever if you don't get them some weird knick-knack.

 

Chill, baby. They are there to support you. I can't see any of them walking out/being pissy little b*tches because you didn't buy them an engraved pocket watch.

 

Ok, ya'll can continue yelling at this dude to buy presents.