Nighttime is the worst

[Mayday2016]

Not sure if anyone remembers my initial post. Met my MM in November 2014, in June 2015 discovered I was pregnant. He accepted no responsibility, reduced our affair from a full blown romance to a booty call. Our daughter was born end of December 2015.

 

She's almost 3 weeks old and he's come over three times since she was born. He does not acknowledge her, does not look at her. He doesn't even text or email me anymore just because, now we don't talk for 4-7 days or however long until he wants to see me again. This is a man I was so head over heels in love with. A man I would have done anything before.

 

The way he acts around her is repulsive to me. The way he has reduced my role in his life is just as repugnant. I hate myself for lacking self-respect.

 

I am filing for child support on Monday. As far as I know his wife discovered me in September but he still saw me. She has no idea about the baby, or she may, I don't know. My new baby's medical bills are already over $8,000 from her nursery stay and outpatient visits and I'm so strained carrying for my 2 children from my divorced marriage that buying the baby her needed necessities is stretching the budget. I am not filing to be vindictive however, he will see it that way. I wish I could negate that but I'm just planning on staying no contact (we haven't spoke in days) .. When he gets the financial avidavit from the court I'm scared. Scared of him lashing out, scared of him becoming suicidal, scared of him trying to physically harm me... Scared of a lot. He's never shown that type of temperament but back a dog into a corner and they attack, right?

 

Just tell me I'm doing the right thing. I'm giving him up so my daughter can have what she needs. He is the only thing I have in my life. I have no personal relationships outside of him, I'm virtually alone day in and day out. By filing for child support I'm severing any chance he'd ever voluntarily step up on his own as a father or fall back into the feelings he once had for me. I am terrified but I cannot be selfish and keep him, he was never mine anyway. Just tell me this is the right thing... Or the wrong thing, I don't know.

[Ms. Faust]

IIRC people recommended you get the ball rolling while pregnant. I absolutely think you are doing the right thing. He needs to financially provide for his child.

Are you still sleeping with him?

[Grammie]

You are doing the right thing - whether he was in your life or not - he has a financial responsibility to his daughter. As long as you treat this as a business relationship, I think you will be okay. He is required by law to support his child; he doesn't have to see her or have a relationship with her; but he must provide financial assistance. My advice is to go through the state - don't make a side deal with him. Don't accept less than what your daughter is entitled to financially. I would also ensure it is garnished from his wages, that way, it minimizes the interaction with him. And remember that child support and visitation are 2 separate things. He could file for custody/visitation (depending on how things shake out at his home)....and there is little that you can do about that. While she is still an infant, I would think overnights would be limited, especially if you are breast feeding. But also prepare yourself that he may get joint custody and the 'normal' every other weekend visitation. You may be able to counter that with providing documentation of his visits with her and communication with you regarding her. Not trying to scare you or anything; just want you to be prepared. He will most likely try to 'sweet talk' you into dropping the official child support requirement, to keep it just between you two. Please don't do that.

 

Good luck to you and your family.

[Popsicle]

Tell his wife about the baby and tell other people you know about this whole situation and your fears and then tell MM that you told all these people and that he will go down if he physically harms you or your daughter at all.

[Popsicle]

Of course, you could always just tell him that he needs to give you X amount per month (AND that you've told your friends and family), and he will probably cough up the money.

[whichwayisup]

Just be prepared that his wife may want a paternity test done for proof that this child is his.

 

Your (ex)MM is a real piece of work, you've allowed him to treat you like sh.it, so please, even if his wife ends up divorcing him, do NOT get back together with him.

[Mayday2016]

You are doing the right thing - whether he was in your life or not - he has a financial responsibility to his daughter. As long as you treat this as a business relationship, I think you will be okay. He is required by law to support his child; he doesn't have to see her or have a relationship with her; but he must provide financial assistance. My advice is to go through the state - don't make a side deal with him. Don't accept less than what your daughter is entitled to financially. I would also ensure it is garnished from his wages, that way, it minimizes the interaction with him. And remember that child support and visitation are 2 separate things. He could file for custody/visitation (depending on how things shake out at his home)....and there is little that you can do about that. While she is still an infant, I would think overnights would be limited, especially if you are breast feeding. But also prepare yourself that he may get joint custody and the 'normal' every other weekend visitation. You may be able to counter that with providing documentation of his visits with her and communication with you regarding her. Not trying to scare you or anything; just want you to be prepared. He will most likely try to 'sweet talk' you into dropping the official child support requirement, to keep it just between you two. Please don't do that.

 

Good luck to you and your family.

 

I'm using my divorce lawyer. He's actually not going to charge me because he wants MM to pay the fees. He knows more about MM's financial picture than I do. MM has a trust fund, makes around $100,000 yearly from his career alone, and has side ventures. MM used to always tell me how his credit cards were declined buying groceries or things like that, he'd plead poverty but He has no idea what it's like to want for anything. I'm not sure what I'd get for our daughter but even $100 a month would make sure I could buy her diapers. I am nursing so thank god I don't need to buy formula but I will need MM to put her on his insurance. I tried to do it without him but after 3 weeks I'm realizing I need his financial contribution. My daughter is gorgeous and a sweet, sweet baby- how he could ignore her whilst being in the same room as her just blows my mind and scares me a bit. I wonder if it's a sign he's a sociopath or disconnects from reality.

[Poppy47]

You are DEFINITELY doing the right thing for your baby. Unfortunately there will always be that tie with him now, like it or not.

 

He is treating you and your child like dirt. I understand how alone you are feeling, but the baby is far more important than your own needs right now. You have to step up and look after her future.

 

You also need to look out for your family's safety. Don't see him alone . Let your lawyer and others know your fears. Do not let him in your door ever again.

 

No telling what he or his wife might do. Best be prepared for the worst scenario.

 

You are under a considerable amount of strain with a new baby and two other children. Be aware of getting run down and depression.

 

Above all, again, do not see him alone. Do not be swayed to withdraw the baby's rightful claim to financial support. She will need it for many years to come and she will need you to be her champion.

 

YOu are already doing a might job,

 

Warm wishes,

 

Poppy.

[Poppy47]

Of course, you could always just tell him that he needs to give you X amount per month (AND that you've told your friends and family), and he will probably cough up the money.

 

Bad idea Popsicle.

 

He can always "forget" the payment. It would involve too much personal contact with the mongrel dog.

 

Poppy.

[Ms. Faust]

Did you ever get that paternity test, btw?

[Popsicle]

Bad idea Popsicle.

 

He can always "forget" the payment. It would involve too much personal contact with the mongrel dog.

 

Poppy.

 

That is true.

[burnt]

He accepted no responsibility, reduced our affair from a full blown romance to a booty call.

 

He doesn't even text or email me anymore just because, now we don't talk for 4-7 days or however long until he wants to see me again.

 

The way he has reduced my role in his life is just as repugnant.

Given the above is true,

the following clearly isn't;

He is the only thing I have in my life.

I am terrified but I cannot be selfish and keep him, he was never mine anyway.

He is not IN your life. So no, it's not possible to keep him.

 

By filing for child support I'm severing any chance he'd ever voluntarily step up on his own as a father or fall back into the feelings he once had for me.

You are not the one to severe any chance of him stepping up. He has severed that himself. Given the way he has essentially disowned his own daughter and the way he has ditched you, you can be sure he won't change.

 

You have seen his true face now.

You ARE doing the right thing. It's his responsibility to provide financial support for his daughter.

 

You are very strong to have handled it alone as far as you have. Stay strong.

[Mayday2016]

Did you ever get that paternity test, btw?

 

What I'm told Will happen is this: he will receive a financial affidavit he has to fill out and return to the courts then they will put us on the docket, he will request a paternity test when we initially step in front of the magistrate, we get our testing done then come back to the courts and they will issue an order of support when she comes back as being his. It can take months before I see a dime from him but as long as I start the ball rolling sooner rather than later it's in her best interest .

[Mayday2016]

Given the above is true,

the following clearly isn't;

 

He is not IN your life. So no, it's not possible to keep him.

 

 

You are not the one to severe any chance of him stepping up. He has severed that himself. Given the way he has essentially disowned his own daughter and the way he has ditched you, you can be sure he won't change.

 

You have seen his true face now.

You ARE doing the right thing. It's his responsibility to provide financial support for his daughter.

 

You are very strong to have handled it alone as far as you have. Stay strong.

 

I delivered her alone. I was in labor and delivery alone and I welcomed her into this world alone. I told him three days after the fact and he never even asked her name.

[Ms. Faust]

What I'm told Will happen is this: he will receive a financial affidavit he has to fill out and return to the courts then they will put us on the docket, he will request a paternity test when we initially step in front of the magistrate, we get our testing done then come back to the courts and they will issue an order of support when she comes back as being his. It can take months before I see a dime from him but as long as I start the ball rolling sooner rather than later it's in her best interest .

 

I hope they will order temporary support upon confirmation of paternity. How would you feel if your MM and his wife decide to fight for visitation/ partial custody? Although I see many couples choose to go NC with the OW and child, I have also read of them fighting for visitation/custody.

[Mayday2016]

I hope they will order temporary support upon confirmation of paternity. How would you feel if your MM and his wife decide to fight for visitation/ partial custody? Although I see many couples choose to go NC with the OW and child, I have also read of them fighting for visitation/custody.

 

This is tricky. She has really severe mental health issues. I have a year worth of emails from him talking about her going through intensive out patient therapy, her punching him, her being catatonic laying on their deck, her forgetting to take her meds. I do not worry about him as much as his wife.

[Popsicle]

What did he come over for the 3 times?

[Ms. Faust]

This is tricky. She has really severe mental health issues. I have a year worth of emails from him talking about her going through intensive out patient therapy, her punching him, her being catatonic laying on their deck, her forgetting to take her meds. I do not worry about him as much as his wife.

 

Welp, I will tell you my little bit of antecdotal knowledge that I have from parousing the Other Child thread on SI forum (from the betrayed spouse's perspective).

 

From what I have read these are the most common scenarios I've seen:

 

The couple will reconcile and go full force as a team against the other woman, while also going NC with the child and OW.... basically paying child support and no communication beyond that.

 

The wife will take over dealing with the OW and OC, and the MM will wash his hands of it. I have read of visitation worked out in this scenario, but with the Wife basically doing everything.

 

The MM will call the shots, and wife will take a backseat. Affair usually continues. I hope for your sake this is NOT what happens, especially since it sounds like you still jump when he snaps his fingers.

 

It's a dealbreaker, and the couple divorce.

 

Either which way, whatever the outcome, you know you are in for a ride, but it is for the best. You are making the right decision. I recall you income is limited and most of it is from your ex husband in the form of spousal support. Having just recently had a baby myself I know how expensive they are, especially if one is needing to work.

 

Also, did your MM send you her medical records, docs, prove other than his word of mouth that his wife did these things? Because you've seen what he has done to you and the baby and I wouldn't exactly call that reaction that of a mentally fit person.

[Mayday2016]

What did he come over for the 3 times?

 

The first time he was lonely. the second time he was sick and needed sympathy. The last, I was lonely and just wanted someone to talk to but he left after 20 minutes. I won't lie. He's the only adult interaction I have outside of my mother or sister. I have no significant friends or personal relationships, it was just him fulfilling my needs for connection for over a year, old habits die hard.

[whichwayisup]

I hope they will order temporary support upon confirmation of paternity. How would you feel if your MM and his wife decide to fight for visitation/ partial custody? Although I see many couples choose to go NC with the OW and child, I have also read of them fighting for visitation/custody.

 

This is something to be aware of. If his wife decides to not divorce him, he has a right to visitation and shared custody, especially if they get a good lawyer. Legally he has every right to have access to his child.

[Bufo]

You have stepped up to the plate of real life. Your child's well being is far more important than some love fantasy. You need to put on your "I don't care about his feelings or comfort boots" and kick him in the financial ass. Hit that home run while you are up to bat. Being "nice" to him just won't get you or your child anywhere in life.

 

Sorry to be blunt but I'm trying to encourage,you to keep up the good work

[anika99]

This is tricky. She has really severe mental health issues. I have a year worth of emails from him talking about her going through intensive out patient therapy, her punching him, her being catatonic laying on their deck, her forgetting to take her meds. I do not worry about him as much as his wife.

 

 

Well first of all, given what a creep this guy is, I would take anything he says about his wife with a grain of salt. You are totally doing the right thing and it's what you should have done from the start.

 

 

Also I wouldn't worry too much about him wanting visitation or shared custody. Since he hasn't even acknowledged the baby I doubt he's going to suddenly become interested in raising her and I certainly don't think his wife is going to want to keep you and the baby in their lives so I wouldn't be too concerned about that aspect.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I delivered her alone. I was in labor and delivery alone and I welcomed her into this world alone. I told him three days after the fact and he never even asked her name.

 

Your job is to stand up for and protect her. He's a POS. He doesn't deserve to be in the same room as her. You make sure he contributes to her care. That's your job... And dump him... He's no good.

[Popsicle]

I think your MM is just waiting for the fallout. He knows it's coming and he basically will be waiting to see how his wife reacts and what she wants to do. (Stay or leave)

[Midwestmissy]

I'd be more concerned with his mental health than his wife's. He's been capable of lying, leading a double life, ignoring a child, putting his family's financial future and security at risk, leading the OP down a fairy tale path of lies and false promises - and his marriage was unhappy because of his crazy wife? Something tells me her mental state is a direct result of his mind games. He's a classic manipulator. I'm so sorry this has happened. I'm so glad you have a healthy child. You have to think only with your brain now - he's not a good person. You need to be an angry mama bear and get what is legally due to you for this baby.