Nighttime is the worst

[kieraglass]

Mayday,

 

I'm so very happy you had the courage to have this baby. Your story was similar to mine, but they ended differently, unfortunately.

 

You are a courageous strong woman.

 

You know what you need to do here. You know, intrinsically. Take him to the cleaners and get your child her due. Be sure to inform family and friends fully of of him, his phone number, address, for your own safety. And make sure he knows they have his information. I think he is not well, and I am worried for you.

 

He sounds like he very clearly registers on the scale of sociopathy. What kind of a man ignores the existence of his own infant in a room?

 

What a sick self absorbed f**k.

 

Now wonder his wife went catatonic on their deck and has checked herself into the bin.

 

Be glad he has shown who he truly is. Be so very grateful.

 

I'm so happy you had her. I've met little to no women who made the choice you and i made to stand up and take responsibility for our affair pregnancy. I'm so very happy and proud of you. I'd give anything to hold my son, as you hold your daughter. Love her, squeeze her tightly, and let go, at once, of this monstrous man.

[still_an_Angel]

What I'm told Will happen is this: he will receive a financial affidavit he has to fill out and return to the courts then they will put us on the docket, he will request a paternity test when we initially step in front of the magistrate, we get our testing done then come back to the courts and they will issue an order of support when she comes back as being his. It can take months before I see a dime from him but as long as I start the ball rolling sooner rather than later it's in her best interest .

 

I'm not in the US but I had experience getting CS from my kids' dad. Because he refused to pay it, he lied, dodged, made arrangements that he never kept up with, changed jobs, left the country, etc, it took a long time before Inland Revenue was able to get some money out of him.

You need to have a plan in place if problems arise (and in your case it seems it will) it takes time to sort out paternity, source of income, and all arrangements to be put into place so the government can collect. Hang in there, you are doing the right thing.

 

 

You are your daughter's protector, you need to prioritize her needs above yours. When he receives notice of your CS application, he will be a changed man, be careful.

[privategal]

what a SELFISH J-E-R-K!

I am not sure how you can let him into your home with your flesh and blood child right there and he doesn't touch her, look at her, bring diapers, offer money, even a gift for her or want to hold her?

He is a sociopath.

I would be terrified of this man, I cant even believe this story.

When he came over the 3 times he likely wanted to see if you would come onto him. He likely hoped you were all healed up, wanted to see if you got your pre pregnancy body back and were ready to get back in the saddle.

If he could ignore his wife to have an affair, he can ignore his baby to have an affair.

I this this man deserves a special place in hell. He is emotionless and your fears of what will happen after you file sound legit.

After he is served, I would take the baby and stay with your parents a few days and put up a security camera to record around your house so you can see if he has shown up. He truly has the characteristics of a dangerous person in my opinion.

 

 

And it shouldn't take going to court to have a father step up to pay for his child. Hes gotta be forced. He may have even come over to share sob stories so you wouldn't hate him for his pre planned action to do NOTHING for you and this baby. Please stay strong.

Edited January 19, 2016 by privategal

[Mayday2016]

I've been struggling the last few days. We never had a real ending, he just kind of disappeared. He stopped texting and emailing and I decided not to reach out to him. We have a child together, we were a real romance at the beginning. It wasn't instant intensity, it was all so gradual but we talked all night, every night. Then once I found out I was pregnant, he withdrew little by little and come end of September I was just a booty call to him. I didn't understand and still barely do.

 

Every night I stare at my phone wondering why he's silent. Wondering how we could go from speaking every day to not at all. Wondering how this man needed me and we had a connection and I was 'like winning a lottery' he had been 'playing for the last 20 years'... And now nothing.

 

I had my lawyer file for child support Tuesday so he's never allowed here again for fear he may harm me or our daughter, as far as I know he doesn't know yet.. But it still doesn't stop me from missing him. At night is the worst. I weep in my bed as our 3 week old sleeps next to me on her boppy pillow. My heart aches, physically I feel sick because I miss him so much. We met November 2014 so it wasn't a quick romance, it wasn't a short fling, however, I realize I barely knew him. I know he's bad news. I know. I know any man that could throw me out of his life and ignore a child he created isn't someone I should want in my life but I miss him. I miss his wit, I miss our musical connection, I miss his body, his voice, the quiet calm and ease about him, I miss his intelligence the most. We talked all night, no other man has intellectually stimulated me like that and the sex? Oh my god, never have I been touched in such a way.

 

It's so hard. I can't express these thoughts so I weep and weep and weep. I hate myself for missing someone that ghosted me, cast me out, and hurt me so so deeply but I'm just struggling. I didn't think we'd run off into the sun together, ever but I thought he'd step up, continue to be split between two worlds. I know it wasn't realistic but the way I felt about him, why have I never experienced that for another man? I legitimately fell in love and life isn't fair because I feel I burned my wick for him and now there'll never be enough for anyone else.

 

I wish I could just let go but it is a withdrawal of epic proportions and tonight is the worst I have felt yet, I feel as if a part of me has died and the missing him has me paralyzed in this bed. How could he not miss me? How did he just let go of it all?

[lemondrop21]

I've been struggling the last few days. We never had a real ending, he just kind of disappeared. He stopped texting and emailing and I decided not to reach out to him. We have a child together, we were a real romance at the beginning. It wasn't instant intensity, it was all so gradual but we talked all night, every night. Then once I found out I was pregnant, he withdrew little by little and come end of September I was just a booty call to him. I didn't understand and still barely do.

 

Every night I stare at my phone wondering why he's silent. Wondering how we could go from speaking every day to not at all. Wondering how this man needed me and we had a connection and I was 'like winning a lottery' he had been 'playing for the last 20 years'... And now nothing.

 

I had my lawyer file for child support Tuesday so he's never allowed here again for fear he may harm me or our daughter, as far as I know he doesn't know yet.. But it still doesn't stop me from missing him. At night is the worst. I weep in my bed as our 3 week old sleeps next to me on her boppy pillow. My heart aches, physically I feel sick because I miss him so much. We met November 2014 so it wasn't a quick romance, it wasn't a short fling, however, I realize I barely knew him. I know he's bad news. I know. I know any man that could throw me out of his life and ignore a child he created isn't someone I should want in my life but I miss him. I miss his wit, I miss our musical connection, I miss his body, his voice, the quiet calm and ease about him, I miss his intelligence the most. We talked all night, no other man has intellectually stimulated me like that and the sex? Oh my god, never have I been touched in such a way.

 

It's so hard. I can't express these thoughts so I weep and weep and weep. I hate myself for missing someone that ghosted me, cast me out, and hurt me so so deeply but I'm just struggling. I didn't think we'd run off into the sun together, ever but I thought he'd step up, continue to be split between two worlds. I know it wasn't realistic but the way I felt about him, why have I never experienced that for another man? I legitimately fell in love and life isn't fair because I feel I burned my wick for him and now there'll never be enough for anyone else.

 

I wish I could just let go but it is a withdrawal of epic proportions and tonight is the worst I have felt yet, I feel as if a part of me has died and the missing him has me paralyzed in this bed. How could he not miss me? How did he just let go of it all?

 

Your pain is so evident in your post and I am so sorry to read about it. I'm sure others will say "how can you feel this way about a man who did this to you?" but you state that you know he's bad news. You're just processing feelings. That is okay.

 

That said, I really think counseling might help you cope - is this a possibility for you? Do you have family or friends to help you with the baby? What is your support system like?

 

Sending you best wishes and healing.

[Popsicle]

Everything that has to do with an A ending is already super painful enough, but have you considered that you may also be dealing with post-partum depression?

 

I suffered from that too when I had my first born. Most of my friends have too during at least one of their post-partum stints. It's so common. I really feel that it is a test from God to see how strong you can be for that baby, because there is nobody else who will love and care for that baby like you will.

[Ms. Faust]

I am real grateful for my husband. When I gave birth last June he was in my face with the camera. He cut the umbilical cord. When we go to parties he saunters around with our daughter in his arms. He is so proud of the child we made together.

 

Your MM robbed you of that joy. He robbed you of being able to beam over him being a proud parent. He robbed you of a happy pregnancy. Just replay in your mind over and over the 3 times that he came over to your house and did not even acknowledge his daughter.

 

His baby daughter.

 

I think it's safe to say he did not love you. He didn't even respect you. And now he doesn't love or respect his child, too.

 

A**hole.

 

I hope you feel better. I would strongly urge you to speak with your OB about your situation and depression.

[Mayday2016]

Your pain is so evident in your post and I am so sorry to read about it. I'm sure others will say "how can you feel this way about a man who did this to you?" but you state that you know he's bad news. You're just processing feelings. That is okay.

 

That said, I really think counseling might help you cope - is this a possibility for you? Do you have family or friends to help you with the baby? What is your support system like?

 

Sending you best wishes and healing.

 

I have no support system. I'm divorced, I have 2 children from that marriage that are with me full time as their father lives on the other side of the states. All I have is my mother but she is much too old to help care for children. I've only been able to tell her bits and pieces. No one understands, they cast shameful looks if you admit to an affair, even if you tell them he was talking about getting divorced .. Which obviously never happened. I wasn't disillusioned in the beginning but I feel as if I am now. He said so many things over the last 61 weeks that never would have led me to believe this would be my life.

 

Believe it or not I tried to see a counselor recommended by my OB the day after my birthday (he actually ignored me the day of causing me to have a mini breakdown) and she told me I couldn't be her patient as it was a conflict of interest. I assume his wife sees/saw this therapist as well. I tried to find others in town that were comfortable with me bringing 2 preschoolers to appointments but clearly, I'm still without mental health access so that didn't go well at all.

 

I know he's a terrible person but he was my life for over a year. Every spare moment I'd dedicate to him. Even now he's the last thing I think about when I go to bed and the first thing I think about when I wake up. My daughter, I look at her and I see his huge blue eyes, she has his mouth and when she scowls it's like looking at his face. I miss him, his arms, I miss touch. I would give almost anything on a night like tonight just to feel him, just to be able to touch him, to brush my fingers against his cheek or feel the heat radiating off of him as he sits next to me.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mayday2016, your post truly touched my heart as I imagine it will many who read it.

 

Though it may be hard to believe, you are doing great because you are allowing yourself to face the tragedy of your experience while also facing the truth of who this man is.

 

You and your baby both are blessed not to have him in your lives as the person he is showing himself to be is not someone who will add to happiness and peace for you in the future.

 

I don't know of your beliefs but if possible I encourage you to get a Bible and read from Psalms, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John to see how compassionate God is and for encouragement to pull through this and enjoy a better future. You'll be amazed how much this will help you. As you are doing this you will find other encouraging places in God's word that will infuse you with strength for yourself and for your precious little girl.

 

Ask God to put strong encouraging people around you and He will. Remember it takes time for Him to work out His purposes for your life so just get to know Him better and wait for Him to do His great work in you!

 

I sense you have a lot to offer others in this world and that you are going to come out of this as an amazing woman your daughter will be extremely proud of as you put your faith in God and stay connected to Him. Pour your heart out to Him, dear Mayday! He cares for you and your child and for every little thing you're going through.

 

Good for you, btw, in taking your child's father to court for child support.

 

I will be praying for you.

 

LS can be a mixed bag of support and criticism. Try to disregard those who may cast stones at you as often they are people who have been deeply wounded and deal with it by flinging bitter words at others. There are many here who will support and encourage you and just allow everyone who is wise and kind to help you through this.

 

Your best days are ahead of you, I believe!

 

God bless you!

[Popsicle]

You are lonely. Totally understandable.

 

 

I just don't want you to forget that there is no reason why you can't have another relationship in your future where you get to experience all those things you miss from xMM again (once the baby gets a little older and preferably with a single guy )

[Mayday2016]

I am real grateful for my husband. When I gave birth last June he was in my face with the camera. He cut the umbilical cord. When we go to parties he saunters around with our daughter in his arms. He is so proud of the child we made together.

 

Your MM robbed you of that joy. He robbed you of being able to beam over him being a proud parent. He robbed you of a happy pregnancy. Just replay in your mind over and over the 3 times that he came over to your house and did not even acknowledge his daughter.

 

His baby daughter.

 

I think it's safe to say he did not love you. He didn't even respect you. And now he doesn't love or respect his child, too.

 

A**hole.

 

I hope you feel better. I would strongly urge you to speak with your OB about your situation and depression.

 

I had her alone. My mother watched my other two children. I labored and delivered her alone. I had a great nurse but it's not the same. No one held my hand, no one was there to experience how overwhelming it all was. We had to stay in the hospital a few days due to baby's prematurity (she was 36 weeks) and it was just her and I with the occasional phone call from my mom letting me know how hard it was caring for my other 2 while I was gone. It was lonely and isolating, i think the nurses felt badly because they knew I was a single Mom. I never ever thought I'd be a single mother ever.

 

I told him 3 days after the fact He never asked her name. He never asked if we were well. He never asked for photos. He just said she is my child and if I know what's good for me, we'll never revisit that topic of conversation. I should hate him, right? It's just he wasn't always that way. He was gentle with me, kind.. And then a few weeks into my reveal of the pregnancy he became someone else. A complete 180, I still don't understand how he instantly turned so cruel and cold after being loving for so many months. Maybe I'm still living on who I thought he was but he revealed a different side before reality set in, he said a month back a part of him hates me for breaking promises and that I made the decision for his emotional withdrawal by keeping the pregnancy. So I brought it on myself, right? Why couldn't have both him and her? Why did I have to choose? It's not fair.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Both you and he have been through a very emotional and rough ordeal. Turns out there was a lot about him you weren't aware of. It seems as though he portrayed himself as someone he was not.

 

The reason he could instantly be so cruel is because all along he had that underlying element to his character. You just hadn't seen it. That cruelty is still there and will be there until he gets help for it.

 

Very kindly, it's this selfishness and this cruelty that allowed him to cheat on his wife. You are now experiencing how his selfishness can hurt others. Be very glad you aren't married to him.

[LivingWaterPlease]

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=as+sure+as+the+sun+ellie+holcomb

[Babs22]

I am very sorry you are going through this alone. I am certain that it will not take long at all for you to get over this man. He abandoned you and your daughter, he is not much of a man. Hugs to you and your precious little girl. You have shown how brave you are to give birth and raise your children on your own. You and she deserve so much better than he ever had to offer. Please take care of you and your precious children. Hugs to you.

[still_an_Angel]

I had her alone. My mother watched my other two children. I labored and delivered her alone. I had a great nurse but it's not the same. No one held my hand, no one was there to experience how overwhelming it all was. We had to stay in the hospital a few days due to baby's prematurity (she was 36 weeks) and it was just her and I with the occasional phone call from my mom letting me know how hard it was caring for my other 2 while I was gone. It was lonely and isolating, i think the nurses felt badly because they knew I was a single Mom. I never ever thought I'd be a single mother ever.

 

I told him 3 days after the fact He never asked her name. He never asked if we were well. He never asked for photos. He just said she is my child and if I know what's good for me, we'll never revisit that topic of conversation. I should hate him, right? It's just he wasn't always that way. He was gentle with me, kind.. And then a few weeks into my reveal of the pregnancy he became someone else. A complete 180, I still don't understand how he instantly turned so cruel and cold after being loving for so many months. Maybe I'm still living on who I thought he was but he revealed a different side before reality set in, he said a month back a part of him hates me for breaking promises and that I made the decision for his emotional withdrawal by keeping the pregnancy. So I brought it on myself, right? Why couldn't have both him and her? Why did I have to choose? It's not fair.

 

 

 

I'm so sorry to read this. No child deserves such rejection from a parent. Your daughter needs you Mayday, you are her ONLY PARENT. Please find the strength to fight for her.

 

 

And I'm so sorry to say but he has not given you the choice in this matter, he has already left the building. He has denied his own daughter. Why do you pine for such a heartless person?

 

 

Sorry but your daughter's situation must take first seat, she has to come first. Focus on what needs to be done for her.

[M1ke12]

I've been struggling the last few days. We never had a real ending, he just kind of disappeared. He stopped texting and emailing and I decided not to reach out to him. We have a child together, we were a real romance at the beginning. It wasn't instant intensity, it was all so gradual but we talked all night, every night. Then once I found out I was pregnant, he withdrew little by little and come end of September I was just a booty call to him. I didn't understand and still barely do.

 

Every night I stare at my phone wondering why he's silent. Wondering how we could go from speaking every day to not at all. Wondering how this man needed me and we had a connection and I was 'like winning a lottery' he had been 'playing for the last 20 years'... And now nothing.

 

I had my lawyer file for child support Tuesday so he's never allowed here again for fear he may harm me or our daughter, as far as I know he doesn't know yet.. But it still doesn't stop me from missing him. At night is the worst. I weep in my bed as our 3 week old sleeps next to me on her boppy pillow. My heart aches, physically I feel sick because I miss him so much. We met November 2014 so it wasn't a quick romance, it wasn't a short fling, however, I realize I barely knew him. I know he's bad news. I know. I know any man that could throw me out of his life and ignore a child he created isn't someone I should want in my life but I miss him. I miss his wit, I miss our musical connection, I miss his body, his voice, the quiet calm and ease about him, I miss his intelligence the most. We talked all night, no other man has intellectually stimulated me like that and the sex? Oh my god, never have I been touched in such a way.

 

It's so hard. I can't express these thoughts so I weep and weep and weep. I hate myself for missing someone that ghosted me, cast me out, and hurt me so so deeply but I'm just struggling. I didn't think we'd run off into the sun together, ever but I thought he'd step up, continue to be split between two worlds. I know it wasn't realistic but the way I felt about him, why have I never experienced that for another man? I legitimately fell in love and life isn't fair because I feel I burned my wick for him and now there'll never be enough for anyone else.

 

I wish I could just let go but it is a withdrawal of epic proportions and tonight is the worst I have felt yet, I feel as if a part of me has died and the missing him has me paralyzed in this bed. How could he not miss me? How did he just let go of it all?

Yes it is the worst.

 

I am going through that now.

 

The total lack of feminin presence gets to me. I want to talk to my friends wife and my friend at the same time. Strange I know. I just want to talk because I can't talk to mine. Treatment center.

[Mayday2016]

Well, he received the papers last week. I expected him to reach out, trying to appeal to my emotions by pleading with me to withdraw the petition for child support. I honestly thought he'd text or email asking me to think about his family and how this would hurt them, how it would hurt him but nothing but silence. Just complete silence.

 

In all of this, all of the crap he put me through.. The hell and the devastation, I miss him. He is still the first thing I think about when I wake and the last when I go to bed. I can't get him out of my head, what the hell is wrong with me? My heart aches for him, why did he just disappear? The hard thing is I live where I do because of him. Hes a college professor and my apartment is just a 3 min walk from his office. Every time I leave the house I have to drive past the college and some days his truck is there and other days it's not and I always wonder where he is when he's not at work.. If he's off meeting another girl or spending an afternoon in a hotel with someone like he used to do with me before I got my apartment.

 

The baby is not sleeping as much as she's getting older and has started opening her eyes and looking around. She has his eyes and it's so hard looking into them. It makes me hurt so much for both her and I, that this is the way life will be now. Believe me, I never expected him to treat us as a second family but I had hoped he'd hold her and be kind to me, that he'd help with things she needed, etc. I suppose hoping for that was my being delusional because this is a man who will never think of anyone but himself. I wish I could accept that though but I haven't been able to. I haven't been able to admit he's a piece of crap because I still have so much hope he'll come around. This all sucks so much and every night I cry for him, his lack of presence in my life feels like a death. It does and it's so hard to navigate my life without the reassurance of him coming over anymore, of him laughing with me, being with me. I'm sure he sounds like a monster, his actions prove he is but when we were together, I've never been as connected to a person. Maybe it's time for therapy.

[whichwayisup]

Therapy will help you cope with this and so you can go on and enjoy being a family with your daughter. Having expectations and hopes about him will only bring you down. He has chosen to walk away and stay silent, as much as you don't want that, it's something you eventually have to accept.

[66Charger]

Child support has nothing to do with your personal feelings about your MM. This is not your money, it belongs to your daughter. I will not comment on your relationship or emotional needs, However the child must come first and every need must be fullfilled.

 

Seperate the two. Emotional support does not pay for diapers and shoes or the healthcare bill.

 

Dont second guess this. It is your daughters money and the lack of it, may cost her her health, or God forbid, her life.

 

Wishing you and your child good health forever.

 

From a Single Father of a teenage daughter..yikes!

[Mayday2016]

I am angry and I'm trying to maintain myself but every day it's becoming increasingly harder. I live in my town for my exMM, since I had my daughter I actually stay at my parents house 5 days out of the week because I cannot stand to be here in town by myself anymore.

 

ExMM teaches at the college here and I am right next to his office. Anytime I leave the house I have to drive past his office to go anywhere. If I see his truck, it restarts the clock... If I don't see his truck it restarts the clock. He ghosted me weeks ago, I had to file for child support, and the baby is over 6 weeks old and he hasn't contacted me about her. I know he won't, he's a sociopath but I am going through serious withdrawals not talking to him.

 

I'm not coping well right now. I don't understand how he could just disappear. How he could make it so apparent it wasn't love and rainbows but him using me. It felt like there was serious depth here for a long time but him just disappearing off the face of the earth and not reaching out at all, I wouldn't have predicted this even four, five months ago. I am finally letting it sink in he used me. The fog is lifting a little and the sadness is slowly being exchanged with anger.

 

I'm craving contact really bad. We have iPhones and I ****ed up and broke NC. iMessage showed he read the message, yet he didn't respond. He's a dramatic man and when I filed for child support, I figured he'd write me a huge email or text or plead or beg me to not do that.. He didn't. The fact I know he's still around seeing his truck at work and he's not reaching out is starting to drive me crazy. The fact he knows his daughter is a block away and he is not curious about her is making me really mad.

 

Please talk me down, I'm so afraid I'm going to get so ramped up I'm going to cross into bunny boiler territory. That I might show up at his work or his house. I feel like snapping and going insane is inevitable right now and I don't know how to keep the lid on the pot.

[sandylee1]

When you think of doing anything stupid...just remember your children. They deserve a mother in a good frame of mind to look after them. If he was foolish enough not to think about the consequences then that's his tough s**t. He risked his marriage...so he can deal with it.

 

You really don't need a pathetic excuse of a man like him in yours or your daughters life. She's better off never knowing him. DNA doesn't make someone a responsible parent.

 

DON'T contact him again. He's just going to use those messages against you. He'll make you out to be a psycho stalker. You've filed for CS.... let that go through.

 

Sometimes it makes me sad that a man with such morals would actually be teaching others.

 

Focus on your children..they don't need you chanelling your thoughts to such a low life.

 

You need to know your worth and stop making a man like him detract you from those who need you most.

[Popsicle]

Have you really filed for child support?

[Mayday2016]

Have you really filed for child support?

 

Yes. I filled out all the paperwork, I had my lawyers secretary notorize the affidavits on the 21st of January. His assistant then submitted ours and sent exMM a copy too. My lawyer is sending all communications to his office, not his home. I still think his wife doesn't know.

 

It's hard not looking like a psycho stalker when we have a baby. If it was just me coming out of this at the end, I could just go and not look back.. Well, I'd glance over my shoulder a couple times but the baby looks just like him. Same eyes, it's impossible not to have a minute to minute reminder of him.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Yes. I filled out all the paperwork, I had my lawyers secretary notorize the affidavits on the 21st of January. His assistant then submitted ours and sent exMM a copy too.My lawyer is sending all communications to his office, not his home. I still think his wife doesn't know.

 

 

Why? Don't you have this mans address?

 

Serve the ******* at his house! He has no business absolving himself of his financial responsibilities to his child, and frankly, it makes me really cross when children are the subject of this kind of open neglect!

 

Honestly, I'm seething for you and your baby! He must take responsibility for his 'fun' with you and cough up to support his child.

 

Whether his wife knows or not doesn't change the fact that he made this little one with you, and when she does know, which I believe is inevitable, she will be devastated certainly, but if she is a mother too, she will eventually (if she can bear to be around the vile man who forced her into this situation) understand that the child must be taken care of if she is a compassionate woman, though don't expect her to hold you in any kind of positive light. You aided and abetted her husband to create a new life unbeknown to her.

 

I understand that confrontation is not what you might want, but this is your child's future, and the idiot you got involved with to make that little one MUST take responsibility!

 

Wishing you strength and lots of luck. I really feel for you.

 

Cuckoo x

[privategal]

You know with mailrooms and such theres a chance he may not have gotten it, or it got lost or is sitting in some box there he never checks.

Id have your lawyer serve him at home.

If his wife knew she would never allow him to deny that responsibility of seeing that baby.

What a JERK.