Nighttime is the worst

[Mayday2016]

My lawyer made a judgment call and said since he's married that it's best to send the papers to him at the college. Mm only has so many days to respond and if he fails to comply he'll be served by sheriff, either at work or home. So lawyer said he'll play ball to avoid a scene. The most important thing in mm's world is his job. The best day of his life was when he got his professorship.

 

If his wife knows or not is a fuzzy area. If she's compassionate or not is too. I have never ever met her and mm being a proven liar whose word may very well be ****... Has stated that she is severely bipolar attending outpatient therapy multiple times a week because she is so detached from reality. His big 'thing' was saying he felt like the only sane person because her mental instability was so extreme. Whether this is true or not, I don't know. I don't like confrontation so I'd never find this woman to tell her. It's not my place to. She may know and she may have rug swept. I don't know but i feel like it's not my place to tell her, at all.

[Gigi2015]

My lawyer made a judgment call and said since he's married that it's best to send the papers to him at the college. Mm only has so many days to respond and if he fails to comply he'll be served by sheriff, either at work or home. So lawyer said he'll play ball to avoid a scene. The most important thing in mm's world is his job. The best day of his life was when he got his professorship.

 

If his wife knows or not is a fuzzy area. If she's compassionate or not is too. I have never ever met her and mm being a proven liar whose word may very well be ****... Has stated that she is severely bipolar attending outpatient therapy multiple times a week because she is so detached from reality. His big 'thing' was saying he felt like the only sane person because her mental instability was so extreme. Whether this is true or not, I don't know. I don't like confrontation so I'd never find this woman to tell her. It's not my place to. She may know and she may have rug swept. I don't know but i feel like it's not my place to tell her, at all.

 

 

None of that matters...he helped to create a child and he must contribute....how feels or cares no longer matters. What he's wife feels is not part of the equation (financially). It takes a lot of finances to support a child.... And. A father must at lest contribute

Edited February 10, 2016 by Gigi2015

[whichwayisup]

Stop and take a deep breath. Do nothing. Take another breath. You write out what you want to say him on here, do NOT, I repeat do not reach out to him again and please don't go bunny boiler on him and do something you're going to regret.

 

He is ignoring you and as much as that hurts, it seems that how he's chosen to handle everything. Don't react, just take a deep breath and count to 10 slowly.

 

Find another therapist, think about moving so you can live a healthier life. Be pro active in a positive way and any time you feel that urge to contact him or do something you'll regret, log onto LS and post, reach out like you're doing now. Someone will talk you out of it.

 

Stay strong and just focus on the good - Your kids!! Your baby. They are blessings and a good distraction for you right now.

[whichwayisup]

My lawyer made a judgment call and said since he's married that it's best to send the papers to him at the college. Mm only has so many days to respond and if he fails to comply he'll be served by sheriff, either at work or home. So lawyer said he'll play ball to avoid a scene. The most important thing in mm's world is his job. The best day of his life was when he got his professorship.

 

If his wife knows or not is a fuzzy area. If she's compassionate or not is too. I have never ever met her and mm being a proven liar whose word may very well be ****... Has stated that she is severely bipolar attending outpatient therapy multiple times a week because she is so detached from reality. His big 'thing' was saying he felt like the only sane person because her mental instability was so extreme. Whether this is true or not, I don't know. I don't like confrontation so I'd never find this woman to tell her. It's not my place to. She may know and she may have rug swept. I don't know but i feel like it's not my place to tell her, at all.

 

If she knows, there's no way she'd rug sweep the fact her husband has a baby outside of his marriage with another woman. I think he's greatly exaggerated the state of his marriage, let alone his wife's (possible) mental illness. If this is such a small town, you would have run into her already or heard something about her, especially if she has BP and getting help for it. I wouldn't believe anything he's told you.

[Ms. Faust]

Mayday, before you go bunny boiler on him, please remember how he has treated you. Whatever good memories you have are nothing compared to how he has treated you and your daughter afterwards:

 

Reducing you to sex at the end of his driveway.

Not being there for the delivery.

Not even asking what her name is.

Ignoring her.

 

That is a pretty devastating way to treat someone. What do you hope to accomplish with communication with him? Do you think it will be satisfying at all? The only communication there should be is between your lawyers.

 

Please stay away from him, he has nothing to offer you and your daughter but harm.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[Cloudcuckoo]

If she knows, there's no way she'd rug sweep the fact her husband has a baby outside of his marriage with another woman. I think he's greatly exaggerated the state of his marriage, let alone his wife's (possible) mental illness. If this is such a small town, you would have run into her already or heard something about her, especially if she has BP and getting help for it. I wouldn't believe anything he's told you.

 

I agree with which way, this man is full of horse manure about his wife....bipolar? Maybe so, but making her out to be outright out of control is just not right even if she is suffering from it!

 

What a horrid thing to do to the woman HE STILL LIVES WITH!

 

This man does not deserve the privilege of being your child's Father if he is willing to turn his back on you and the baby, and his wife...

 

He is filth in my humble opinion, and I wouldn't have this sick, sociopathic piece of scum anywhere near my children if my life depended on it frankly!

 

That still does not absolve him of his financial responsibilities to your little one darling, and forgive my obvious anger. I'm simply cross that you and your baby have been so cruelly disrespected.

[Cloudcuckoo]

QUOTE****... Has stated that she is severely bipolar attending outpatient therapy multiple times a week because she is so detached from reality. His big 'thing' was saying he felt like the only sane person because her mental instability was so extreme QUOTE

 

^^^^^^^ this is utter rubbish...people who are bipolar do not visit outpatients with such frequency and if they are in a severe manic or depressive phase they are usually admitted for their own safety and for appropriate treatment, otherwise they go about their lives as normal, that I DO know.

 

If her condition were that extreme, then she is not getting the right kind of help, least of all from the one person who is supposed to support her.

 

Do yourself and your baby daughter the greatest kindness and stay well away from this excuse for a man, he is the harbinger of misery.

 

Cuckoo

[privategal]

He is living in his own hell too keep in mind. He knows he has created a mess he cant escape. He knows he has hurt you, his child, his wife and himself and he knows the way he is handling it is wrong. Rest assured he is in misery due to these actions.

I agree to steer clear of contact as he will retaliate with having you arrested just to even the score.

He knows he's scum.

Handling everything through the lawyer is enough...he can avoid you...but has to look in the mirror everyday.

[RRM321]

I'm not coping well right now.

 

Please talk me down, I'm so afraid I'm going to get so ramped up I'm going to cross into bunny boiler territory. That I might show up at his work or his house. I feel like snapping and going insane is inevitable right now and I don't know how to keep the lid on the pot.

 

Here's the thing - buried inside the narrative of all this pain and anguish is another story about a beautiful woman with an amazing strength, compassion, and ability to love that even she's not fully aware of, yet.

 

The most attractive thing about you is the love, care, and compassion you selflessly pour forth from a place of real personal power. You've been demonstrating this while raising your two previous children. While you might recognize only the struggle and heartaches, witnesses on the outside can see something truly amazing in you!

 

Your description of the MM and his wives tales of woe strike me as someone who's powerless and emotionally castrated - and I'm sure this is why he sought you out. I don't buy into the mature lover you believed him to be. I see a selfish child attracted to and imposing his needs upon those amazing gifts you display.

 

You are and always have been a lighthouse in a sea where pirates roam. Lighten your heart and let go of who you thought he was. You're not at fault for shining so brightly, or for the storms that wash ashore.

 

You are still the amazing woman you have always been, you are terribly lonely but, you are not alone. You are also the most significant and irreplaceable person in the lives of three people including this beautiful new daughter to whom you are going teach, and to your surprise is going to teach you so many things you have forgotten about yourself.

 

I've been lonely and abandoned too, and with five kids of my own understand some of the agony. I also remember my own infant daughter during this time, and all the pain and struggle through her toddler years - along with the amazing miracles, hope, and lessons about love born in her presence.

 

Focus on her, and love you. This is a new beginning.

Edited February 11, 2016 by RRM321

[Shadowburn]

This is a beautiful post, RRM321

[Mayday2016]

Thursday night he showed up at my apartment. I can't believe I let him in, he just looked so pathetic.

 

He begged to talk, 'plead' his case for why I should withdraw the child support papers. The entire conversation was about HIM, HIS life. How this will ruin his life, how with his severe depression he will lose his life. How he doesn't have the reserves to bounce back from this.

 

Not once in an hour span did he ask about the baby, did he ask how I am. He made excuses for why he disappeared saying it was because he was getting his life back in order. He had stopped drinking and was working so much that he was just so wrapped up in being 'better' that he didn't realize he hadn't reached out to me. ? And then the papers came and it floored and unmoored him.

 

I asked him flat out did anyone know about me or the baby. He said in October his wife knew he was having an affair but did not know with whom. Apparently she told her father and he's made little comments to exMM here and there. He admitted to his brother over Christmas he had an affair, I'm not sure what he told him about me or at all. And that Thursday afternoon he talked to his therapist and finally told him about the baby. The therapist is the only one that knows he has a child as a result of the affair.

 

Here is where I am.

 

I am NOT withdrawing the paperwork. I'm going to secure a better financial future for my daughter even if he's an emotionally detached sociopath with clearly no decency.

 

But, the way he talked hinted at suicide. Now, I don't know if it was an empty threat to make me sympathetic so he can get off clean. But if he's serious and he does it and no one knows about her or me, what the hell do I do? She has a whole other family side. If she loses her father, she loses him potentially opening that door for her. How do I do that on my own? I want her to know her family as mine is dwindling. Granted his two siblings are in their 60's and MM's mom (baby's grandma) is close to death, but these people are part of her. I know people say DNA doesn't make a family but adoption is prevalent on my side of the family and all of us have always wanted to KNOW where we came from. What do I do if exMM actually kills himself? She'll lose ever knowing who he was and his family would be vital to her because they'd retain those memories.

[Ms. Faust]

Didn't he have two OW, you and someone else?

 

Which one did he admit to?

 

Also, although I hope he would NOT commit suicide (that would be horrible!) to me it sounds like a blessing if your daughter doesn't know him.

[Mayday2016]

Me. He said he told his brother about me. Apparently this other woman he saw so very briefly was 'not worth getting upset over' ... ? As far as I know he saw her a handful of times, although I do not regard him for his honesty.

[whatatangledweb]

I believe he just said that about suicide to get you to withdraw the paperwork. What did he say about supporting his child? Or did he just want you to disappear? Keep going after CS.

[Mayday2016]

He said NOTHING. He offered nothing. She was in the other room and he didn't ask to see her. Everything he said was focused on him and his life, his wants, his needs. He deadpan stared at me and said, "what do you want?" I said nothing in return, I didn't want to antagonize or upset him and just waited until he felt he was ready to leave. I was so blind before, he's such a narcissist and while a part of me will always love him, he has soured me so much because of his treatment of Rose.

[RRM321]

Here is where I am.

 

I am NOT withdrawing the paperwork. I'm going to secure a better financial future for my daughter even if he's an emotionally detached sociopath with clearly no decency.

 

But, the way he talked hinted at suicide. Now, I don't know if it was an empty threat to make me sympathetic so he can get off clean. But if he's serious and he does it and no one knows about her or me, what the hell do I do? She has a whole other family side. If she loses her father, she loses him potentially opening that door for her. How do I do that on my own? I want her to know her family as mine is dwindling. Granted his two siblings are in their 60's and MM's mom (baby's grandma) is close to death, but these people are part of her. I know people say DNA doesn't make a family but adoption is prevalent on my side of the family and all of us have always wanted to KNOW where we came from. What do I do if exMM actually kills himself? She'll lose ever knowing who he was and his family would be vital to her because they'd retain those memories.

 

Yes! Continue with steadfast conviction, file the papers, hold your head high and be the advocate for your daughter that he and no one else will. You must get this paternity into the public record.

 

Someday the extended family may seek you out but, I would not continue with this man in order to make that happen. (Be careful what you wish for, he may not be the only manipulative narcissist in that family.) He is toxic, and dangerously manipulative, keep that first and foremost in your mind. Defend yourself and your daughter with new clear cut boundaries.

 

You cannot control what he does, suicide is a classic manipulative ploy but, it may be his narcissistic way of avoiding the truth about himself and escaping scrutiny. However, I think you have learned the folly of sacrificing yourself to rescue this damaged person. As you so wisely noted, he only showed up after he got the notice, only talked about himself and HIS problems, and only suggested ONE thing - you backing down. You should be at least as concerned (and I suggest more concerned) for your own safety as you are about his suicide threats.

Edited February 14, 2016 by RRM321

[Dancewithme]

Do not open your door to him ever again. Go NC, he sounds too unstable and narcissistic to be around your daughter. Frankly, he sounds like a cornered animal, and could be a danger to you or your daughter.

 

Only deal with him through your attorney. And let go of the notion of him and his family being part of your daughter's life. Consider him a sperm donor only. With adoptions in your family, I understand the yearning for roots, but you must also realize families can be created through relationships and other connections.

[Popsicle]

What scares me about your situation is that you are alone. Again, I watch too much Forensic Files and I fear that this man, in his desperation, may try to harm you. Please tell as many people as you can about your situation and let him know that you have told others as well. Don't open the door for him anymore either when he shows up until he has responded through the courts to the legal paperwork and visitation and custody have been worked out.

[Popsicle]

I also don't think his wife knows of the baby and he probably is trying to not tell her (which is scary), based on him saying that he doesn't have the reserves.

[Mayday2016]

I also don't think his wife knows of the baby and he probably is trying to not tell her (which is scary), based on him saying that he doesn't have the reserves.

 

 

I can speculate about this or that, but I really don't believe anyone in his life knows about the baby, including his wife. He is all about appearing as a victim. He used to talk about past relationships and every woman wronged him, broke his heart, cheated on him. Only once did he ever admit 'that poor girl, I shouldn't have dated her' because he admitted he hurt her, this all came about when he was just going off on a tangent about himself. In our tale, if it ever comes to light, I will be the seductress, I will be evil, I will have tried to trap him with a baby. I could care less though. My mother knows everything, I told her it all. She said- yes, that is how he will spin it because he doesn't want anyone to know who he is, at all. He's gotten away with concealing his true self for 41 years. His family are rug sweepers. Years ago when he was in his 20's he had some criminal offenses, did jail time - when he reached out to his mom to finally help him his record was expunged and his history erased. He's a professor, I assume the state did a background check which came up clean as he was accepted to teach there. I don't know though, all speculation.

[ShatteredLady]

CONGRATULATIONS on the birth of your beautiful little girl!

 

My babies have given me the strength to carry-on through so many physical & emotional trials & tribulations. So many of us have nightmares in our history. I'm blessed everyday to have my children.

 

Do you have friends/family somewhere else that you can move to? You're only there because he's there.

 

There are many ways that you can socially reach out. I think it would be a bit easier somewhere else. You make it sound like you live in a tiny place where everyone knows everyone else. I was completely isolated in a foreign country with my kids. There are free activities at the library, mothers groups etc. I'm shy but I managed to make some good friends.

 

My niece has just become a single Mum & her doctor introduced her to another Mum in a very similar situation to her. They're helping & supporting eachother.

 

My brother took his own life. He was the gentle, selfless kind of person who thought he was doing the right thing for his loved ones when his life fell apart. Narcissists rarely do!!

Obviously I'm VERY sensitive to threats of suicide. My H used that against me when I discovered his affair. He even told me when he had planned to do it... Strange, he never researched "Ways to commit suicide" but he'd googled flights & hotels to see his mistress at that time!!

 

DON'T BE MANIPULATED!!

 

Your angel needs things!! Don't get caught-up in the distant future. It's about NOW & now she needs clothes, diapers & medical care. She has a very strong, loving Mummy. She's a blessed little girl.

[Fleur de cactus]

Mayday,

 

I am happy to hear that the baby is growing. I am proud of your fight to have support since that baby is half you half him.

 

Now, stop being worried about the father, he is nothing else besides being selfish, and does not want to hear about anything but him, and him and himself. I know you loved him but you know who truly he is now. He does not care about you, your relationship or the baby. He is not even curious to see the baby. You see what kind of person he is. He probably wish he goes to bed to find out that in morning you and baby disappeared and will never hear about you.

 

Love your baby, I am glad to hear that your mother is close to you. Continue support from your family. like someone here said, move away from this man. continues filing for support but move away. Stop being worried about him hurting himself, whatever he will do, it is not your responsibility. Now your responsibility is your baby not him.

[Mayday2016]

I am trying. Since Thursday I have cycled through feelings of anger, indifference, and then a song comes on we shared with each other and the tears flow, my heart hurts for how he turned out to be someone else in the end and I think of the worst and the best times. Music is such a trigger, we shared THOUSANDS of songs. I can't listen to anything without it triggering a memory.

 

Right now I'm fighting tears because I'm just so defeated. I feel like our affair was this dramatic battle where we pushed and pulled and gave and took and here I ended up the losers. There are no winners when you fall in love with a married man, everyone loses, everyone.

[Mayday2016]

I came back to my apartment for the weekend. I don't know if I've said but I'd been staying with my mom with the kids, I just needed the break. It's so hard being in town though, I have adopted a bad habit. Before I go to my apartment I cycle an extra 10 mins around town looking in all the parking lots of the hotels to see if xMM's truck is there. I can't believe I'm admitting this to anyone but it's a routine now. He used to go with me to the hotels here so I know his favorites. I just keep praying I'll finally find him one of these days to have proof he went on to a new affair. I know he has, he needed constant contact, constant praise. He needed someone just showering him with attention. We haven't spoken since that Thursday he came over.

 

The bad truth- I broke NC.

 

I texted for him to come over the night before I got to town. It took him over s full day to read it. He responded. "I'm just not sure" I texted 2x more times and he read but didn't text. Didn't come. Tonight I asked again to come over and he read but didn't respond, didn't come. The feeling of devastation is huge. I thought we had something amazing but also, his daughter is here. Isn't he curious???????

 

My reasoning, I needed him to not see me. I needed to feel okay in the 'big' email my lawyer told him to send tomorrow. I have to tell him to fill out the child support papers and mail them back or we're serving him by sheriff. My lawyer is a nice man and thinks we'll get more if we play fair. He wants xMM to step up on his own. If MM had come over this weekend I would have second guessed everything, including the filing. With him ignoring me again, I feel like it gives me more power to do what I need to. But the hurt of him not wanting to see the baby or me is so profound. I wept last night. Just wept for FOUR hours in my bed. I miss him so much and I've never known a hurt like this, ever. He had me so conditioned to expect constant contact and then *poof* he's gone and living with his baby is living with his ghost.

 

I don't expect him to respond to the email. I think one of two things will happen - one, he already got a lawyer and isn't concerned about any of this because he thinks he can get out of it. Two - he will be conflict avoidant and run away. He hinted at suicide after the last 'big' email. Wtf do I do if he does that?????? It will have been my fault so any shot of my daughter ever knowing that part of her family will be gone because they'll blame me and her. I'm scared he just might do that as a narcisstic **** you. I don't know how to navigate a life that he isn't in, but living life knowing he's not alive anymore? I don't think there would be any coming back for me from that.

 

So that's where I am. I already have the email drafted. I'm second guessing it but I crafted the words with enough of my personal hurt and 'business like' mindedness to hopefully make him understand I'm serious and I'm not backing down.

 

I'm off to go cry some more. Why didn't he come? He needed me 2-4 times a week due to his sex drive and now he's going without completely? I don't believe it. He told me he didn't replace me but he did, it's obvious. Why the **** couldn't he just be honest?

[Sassy Girl]

You're expecting honesty from a cheater, a liar and a criminal?

 

I think you really need some counselling because you're focusing on the wrong thing. Who cares if he 'needed' you 2-4 times a week... Needed you for what? Is that all you think you are worth???

 

You know who needs you? Your kids. The two older ones and your sweet baby girl. That's who you should focus on. The rest is just wasted energy