ZA Dater Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Here is a scenario. I work quite closely with someone in that she does consulting work for me, there was romantic interest from my side but none from her, so I left it. Earlier this week I drop her details of what I need done in terms of a project I am working on, no timeframe because it isn't time sensitive. She replies, that its her birthday on Friday and she is off and her weekend will be quite busy. I reply with the info she is looking for and wish her a happy day and a great weekend. The thing is here I don't get a reply and part of me just thinks based on past that she gives me so much info, no needed info and then when I reply in kind and take an interest she backs away. Just seems strange. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Here is a scenario. I work quite closely with someone in that she does consulting work for me, there was romantic interest from my side but none from her, so I left it. Earlier this week I drop her details of what I need done in terms of a project I am working on, no timeframe because it isn't time sensitive. She replies, that its her birthday on Friday and she is off and her weekend will be quite busy. I reply with the info she is looking for and wish her a happy day and a great weekend. The thing is here I don't get a reply and part of me just thinks based on past that she gives me so much info, no needed info and then when I reply in kind and take an interest she backs away. Just seems strange. Was a reply required? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 Was a reply required? "Thank you for the wishes" would have been nice and furthermore there was some work related stuff that did warrant a reply. Its fine actually, just seems weird to draw me to a point and then just pull away Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 "Thank you for the wishes" would have been nice and furthermore there was some work related stuff that did warrant a reply. Its fine actually, just seems weird to draw me to a point and then just pull away I don't think it's weird and I don't think you deserved thanks. All you did was basically say "have a good weekend". If she's gotten snowed under and you need a response about the work stuff, then follow it up as you would a male colleague. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 I don't think it's weird and I don't think you deserved thanks. All you did was basically say "have a good weekend". If she's gotten snowed under and you need a response about the work stuff, then follow it up as you would a male colleague. Oh ok, am happy to admit I am wrong. After all I have decided in 2016 I am going to dedicate myself to work completely at the expense of most of things. So the fact I cant read people is hardly surprising. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 "Thank you for the wishes" would have been nice and furthermore there was some work related stuff that did warrant a reply. Its fine actually, just seems weird to draw me to a point and then just pull away How do she do that? All she did was reply about her plans... You're reading too much into it. Simply because you 'extend' doesn't mean it should mean anything else to anyone else. It's in your mind that you're being 'drawn to a point' and your interpretation and imagination is going a bit wild.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 How do she do that? All she did was reply about her plans... You're reading too much into it. Simply because you 'extend' doesn't mean it should mean anything else to anyone else. It's in your mind that you're being 'drawn to a point' and your interpretation and imagination is going a bit wild.... I am happy to be corrected in this case. Unfortunately its an old habit of mine to read too much into things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 How do she do that? All she did was reply about her plans... You're reading too much into it. Simply because you 'extend' doesn't mean it should mean anything else to anyone else. It's in your mind that you're being 'drawn to a point' and your interpretation and imagination is going a bit wild.... This probably gives you an indication of how clueless I am with people and why its probably better for everyone that I just rather keep my head buried in work! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 I don't know whether this has ever been suggested to you, and I certainly mean nothing derogatory or insulting by it, it's a genuine enquiry.... Do you have, or have you ever been diagnosed as having 'Asperger's syndrome'? It sounds from what you post that social interaction is challenging to you, and you take things extremely literally.... My youngest daughter has a mild form... she has plenty of friends but has some, shall we say, 'strange' notions about social interaction.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 (edited) I don't know whether this has ever been suggested to you, and I certainly mean nothing derogatory or insulting by it, it's a genuine enquiry.... Do you have, or have you ever been diagnosed as having 'Asperger's syndrome'? It sounds from what you post that social interaction is challenging to you, and you take things extremely literally.... My youngest daughter has a mild form... she has plenty of friends but has some, shall we say, 'strange' notions about social interaction.... I just lack experience with females full stop. I don't have any issues with guys, there seems to be less ambiguity in the way I deal with them. I have two friend, one of which I don't see often so I basically just resort to spending my working to pass the time. My self confidence is probably at a lifetime low at the moment. Edited January 22, 2016 by ZA Dater Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Oh ok, am happy to admit I am wrong. After all I have decided in 2016 I am going to dedicate myself to work completely at the expense of most of things. So the fact I cant read people is hardly surprising. I really actually understood your feelings on it. I think its easier to take it personally a little, not that you were making a big deal, but maybe those unrequited feelings play a bigger role than you might think. Either way I semi agree a response would have been both polite and professional because its acknowledging. I think your hurts may still be fresh a bit. Its ok to feel bad. Just wondering have you considered letting her go on this project and finding another to work with? Not because of personal reasons per se, but even if you strip away the dating issue she doesn't seem like a good communicator or willing to invest and take the project seriously so its actually a bum deal all around. Did you flat out proposition her to date and she out and out rejected it? Or was it coy flirting on your end and she didn't reciprocate then it just dropped? If u weren't able to have a direct conversation about it and both state your stance and say hey yes, romantically its not our time or we don't mesh, but we could be great colleagues and friends and make the project really great? In other words if you've left it gray, she might be tight lipped about it but may feel confused too and not know how to bring it up. How did that dating situation unfold and was there closure to the issue? Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 I just lack experience with females full stop. I don't have any issues with guys, there seems to be less ambiguity in the way I deal with them. I have two friend, one of which I don't see often so I basically just resort to spending my working to pass the time. My self confidence is probably at a lifetime low at the moment. exactly, your ego is bruised and its perfectly understandable. Id actually say you find some work life balance and find a little fun and lightly connect and date. But date in a light hearted way. My now husband was my strict platonic friend for a few years. We may have had underlying chemistry but we didn't know it, we were focused on it at ALL we just talked about work, life, other people...then once we got to know eachother it was SO crazy to find there was real love there. So, I actually highly recommend being friends. Not stringing any one along or no games. Just really be real. Really just be you. Your flaws, your fears, whatever...they are an asset. One day you will retire and then will you have a life outside of work built? And friends you invested in? Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Ive rejected guys in the past and really liked them, but my head, or my plate was too full, timing was bad...it was happening too fast, lots of reasons but I never thought badly of them, even regretted a few later but there wasn't any way for me to like them at the moment, as I just had my heart and mind all over the place, maybe didn't really know what I wanted. It was all to do with me and my place in life, my fears or job. Do not let this rejection get you down. Women ARE tough to handle or understand at times. They are also soft, full of emotion, and can be good communicators If you handle with care. I will help you here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 I really actually understood your feelings on it. I think its easier to take it personally a little, not that you were making a big deal, but maybe those unrequited feelings play a bigger role than you might think. Either way I semi agree a response would have been both polite and professional because its acknowledging. I think your hurts may still be fresh a bit. Its ok to feel bad. Just wondering have you considered letting her go on this project and finding another to work with? Not because of personal reasons per se, but even if you strip away the dating issue she doesn't seem like a good communicator or willing to invest and take the project seriously so its actually a bum deal all around. Did you flat out proposition her to date and she out and out rejected it? Or was it coy flirting on your end and she didn't reciprocate then it just dropped? If u weren't able to have a direct conversation about it and both state your stance and say hey yes, romantically its not our time or we don't mesh, but we could be great colleagues and friends and make the project really great? In other words if you've left it gray, she might be tight lipped about it but may feel confused too and not know how to bring it up. How did that dating situation unfold and was there closure to the issue? Extremely good questions. I expressed interest in her, I never really had any yes or no from her at all. Based on the way I communicate with her I don't think she is left in much doubt I do think she is a great person. I did ask her out once via e mail before this project started and she didn't reply. I cannot really charm anyone never mind flirt! The reality is there isn't a day I don't think about her in some positive way, she just has a lovely personality and I just find myself feeling like that kid looking into a sweet shop but the door is locked. Nevertheless I work well with her and I enjoy interacting with her, albeit in this largely one way monologue because she never asks me anything. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Extremely good questions. I expressed interest in her, I never really had any yes or no from her at all. Based on the way I communicate with her I don't think she is left in much doubt I do think she is a great person. I did ask her out once via e mail before this project started and she didn't reply. I cannot really charm anyone never mind flirt! The reality is there isn't a day I don't think about her in some positive way, she just has a lovely personality and I just find myself feeling like that kid looking into a sweet shop but the door is locked. Nevertheless I work well with her and I enjoy interacting with her, albeit in this largely one way monologue because she never asks me anything. That's actually really inconsiderate of her to not answer. Because now your frustrated and it effects the work dynamic. Plus she also sounds genuinely not real into the project. So even though you like her, Id maybe change THAT and try not to work with her because your putting all your effort into work so you don't need drama or confusion or frustration there, you need good communication, mutual interest, questions back and forth. She is not good for the role. But, you like her. So you will keep her so you can interact with her, but at the end of the day it seems it will work against you. I think it may be too late, but you needed to address the elephant in the room with "hey, its ok if you weren't interested in dating, if you wanted to decline a social date. I just would have really appreciated an honest reply back so we can go from there with honest communication as colleagues and friends" its not cool that she handled it like that actually. And she still is. Kindness and consideration is answering "thank you" and "Lets touch base Monday and speak again on where we are with the project" I would really look into moving on from working with her. She takes up too much thought of yours and she is flaky imo. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 I also wonder if she doesn't take you or the project seriously, knowing you have a soft spot for her, she might even be like, the guy likes me and hit on me. I don't have to work too hard here who cares. I blow him off, hes still always nice and lets me off the hook and I'll coast through cause its working for me. I think you may be giving her too much credit for being sweet, great, nice. Not that your in love, but love is blind. You are unable to see shes actually being a jerk but shes pretty so she can give zero ***s and your ok with it! lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 I also wonder if she doesn't take you or the project seriously, knowing you have a soft spot for her, she might even be like, the guy likes me and hit on me. I don't have to work too hard here who cares. I blow him off, hes still always nice and lets me off the hook and I'll coast through cause its working for me. I think you may be giving her too much credit for being sweet, great, nice. Not that your in love, but love is blind. You are unable to see shes actually being a jerk but shes pretty so she can give zero ***s and your ok with it! lol She does really good work and mostly we communicate just via e mail, she doesn't work in the same building or even some area as I do. I'd be happy with a friend in her, sadly she is very ambiguous when it comes to that and I guess a part of me enjoys the impossible challenge, purely because I don't have anything else to focus on in terms of people. In a sense she just works with me because I am paying her to, that's what it really boils down to. She isn't actually that pretty but she does have a very engaging personality and we do get on well in the face to face arena. She writes and speaks beautifully, both things I appreciate. As you say I guess one never knows what the future holds but at the moment its just far easier for me to pout effort into work than to try pour effort into trying to meet random people when I lack any confidence to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 She is being very careful not to give you any hope that she is interested because she knows you are interested. She is not responding to personal stuff. She is not drawing you in. That's wishful thinking. She's not interested, period. She no doubt hopes that doesn't terminate her employment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 She is being very careful not to give you any hope that she is interested because she knows you are interested. She is not responding to personal stuff. She is not drawing you in. That's wishful thinking. She's not interested, period. She no doubt hopes that doesn't terminate her employment. Perhaps, perhaps not because some days more information is offered up but alas, yes, I think she isn't interested in me in any shape, form or capacity. Just one of those things I need to somehow live with...among many others. It was her idea to work with me to begin with.... Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Here is a scenario. I work quite closely with someone in that she does consulting work for me, there was romantic interest from my side but none from her, so I left it. Earlier this week I drop her details of what I need done in terms of a project I am working on, no timeframe because it isn't time sensitive. She replies, that its her birthday on Friday and she is off and her weekend will be quite busy. I reply with the info she is looking for and wish her a happy day and a great weekend. The thing is here I don't get a reply and part of me just thinks based on past that she gives me so much info, no needed info and then when I reply in kind and take an interest she backs away. Just seems strange. She's telling you in a professional way that she won't have time to work on the project. She may also be hinting to you to not contact her Friday-Sunday, as she will not be available. That's all I read into her message. I don't think a reply to your message was necessary. A "thank you, you too," would have maybe been nice, but not necessary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Perhaps, perhaps not because some days more information is offered up but alas, yes, I think she isn't interested in me in any shape, form or capacity. Just one of those things I need to somehow live with...among many others. It was her idea to work with me to begin with.... That's about paying the rent, not about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 That's about paying the rent, not about you. This is part time work, its hardly substantial at all. In fact what she does for me is mostly a hobby, she does other work during the day. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 You probably write her a little too much if this is just a hobby of hers, so she knows why you write so much and it annoys her. The second you hit on her she was probably really ticked and lost respect because it was like ohhhh, I see. You didn't want my brain or expertise or input, you wanted a date. Your going to want to join some clubs, or go to happy hour with the work crew, or find ways to be more social. Thats how you observe, listen, learn about people skills, boundaries, appropriate conversation. Either way the project seems unimportant all around so your paying someone to be a friend who doesn't want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Chris2016 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Perhaps, perhaps not because some days more information is offered up but alas, yes, I think she isn't interested in me in any shape, form or capacity. Just one of those things I need to somehow live with...among many others. It was her idea to work with me to begin with.... Can you find/get someone else to work for you? Because you have a romantic interest in her and it's not returned. I'm trying to let go of my crush at work. I know she knows that I'm interested. I know that it's not returned. I ask her personal questions, she doesn't. I initiate email conversations, she doesn't. I compliment her, she doesn't. We'll engage in the hallway, but I know it's just breadcrumbs. She likely likes the ego boost. She'll be leaving in a few months, so that's good. I put on my headphones or earmuff (so I don't hear her). I try to avoid where she'll be at. I don't engage in the hallway anymore, just say hi/hey and move on. If I have to interact with her, I keep it to work. Basically, I'm going NC. When she leaves, I will not go out of my way. Bye. (I'm promising myself that.) She's just a passerby. On the positive, I've lost weight. Dress better. Trying to improve my life. My crush was simply a wake up call. I don't know where it'll all lead me, but I do like myself better. And I will never have a crush on someone at work again. Sorry for the ramble. I'm not good at giving advise. I write easier if I write from my own experience. I hope it helps in anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
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