why so sleazy?

[LoveNoLoss]

Over the weekend, I ran into one of my husband's seven ex-OW he had during our marriage. Now, I understand it is easy to talk smack about an OW but I really am failing to understand this particular scenario.

 

I had known who she was and had even talked to her a few times over the course of the last few years. I never really gave her the time of day(thought-wise) except for the fact that my husband (and I joined in) use to make cracks about her mainly because she was such a "classic" groupie for one of the bands he played. She and her girlfriend were quite the pair!

 

It really hit home when I went to see the band that my husband use to play in this weekend. She appeared ALOT more trashy than I can remember. First of all, she is a smoker and that alone blows me away that my husband was with her... he can't STAND anything associated with smoking much less a person. Now, the night was a theme on who can dress up best like a white trash person. Funny I know, but its a yearly tradition for the band. She of course participated in this theme and did her part to dress up like white trash. I now realize it probably wasn't too much of a leap for her. Either way, she played the part acting like a drunken fool and rubbing up against a member of the band's leg like a dog in heat. She was wearing a mini-skirt and someone like her just shouldn't when the back of your legs look like cottage cheese and you have a bruise the size of a grapefruit on the inside of your thigh. She REALLY isn't an attractive woman and coupled with all of this, well... you get the picture.

 

I did voice my disgust to my husband after the weekend about all of this (we are not together anymore and live separate). I asked, how could you go so low on the food chain? I mean really, I always thought the two of us as fairly classy people. I felt pretty embarrassed considering...

 

He admitted that he had stooped low and that this was all apart of his "old self".... its been almost a year since he has been "OW free". He said he thinks he purposely hooked up with women that were much lower on the intelligent and looks scale... ummm ok... I am not totally sure what the reason for this is... why drive around a Pacer when you have a Porsche sitting at home waiting for you??? Can someone shed light on why men do this? What kind of standards did the man I married have?? Doesn't it speak volumes of his character? He always claimed I was the most beautiful woman he had ever been with, never intended to leave me, and was happily married to me the whole time. He claims he had low self esteem which made him seek out ANYTHING he could get his hands on.... wouldn't it make sense to go for at least semi attractive if indeed one wants to boost their ego?

 

Help... opinions please?

[Pocky]

Originally posted by LoveNoLoss

He claims he had low self esteem which made him seek out ANYTHING he could get his hands on.... wouldn't it make sense to go for at least semi attractive if indeed one wants to boost their ego?

 

It decreases the chance of rejection. If he had low self-esteem, he certainly wouldn't do well by chasing after an attractive woman and having her tell him to get lost.

[LucreziaBorgia]

She REALLY isn't an attractive woman

 

Which is why she has to do this:

 

Either way, she played the part acting like a drunken fool and rubbing up against a member of the band's leg like a dog in heat. She was wearing a mini-skirt and someone like her just shouldn't when the back of your legs look like cottage cheese and you have a bruise the size of a grapefruit on the inside of your thigh.

 

Ok, this will sound harsh and probably offend at least someone, but...

 

One of my best friends is in a popular band here in the south, and they have all at one time or other hooked up with the most skanky nasty ho's you can possibly imagine in their time. Why do they do it? Because it strokes their ego - those types of girls worship the 'rock star' - in ways that really attractive and 'classy' girls don't need to do, and generally don't. Skanks are less of a challenge, more needy, and tend to 'worship' more - its a total ego thing. They seem to like the attention they get as one of the 'band sluts' and there is even a pecking order amongst them (I've gotten to know a lot of these girls over the years - since I'm the 'friend girl' to one of the members, they often befriend me in attempts to get to him). The guys sometimes don't want to have to worry about a classy, intelligent woman presenting an emotional and physical challenge - they just want to have the types of girls who will let them get away with pretty much anything because they are a 'rock star'. I've heard some stories about what these girls are willing to do... they just make it so easy, so why not? The guys get to tag it, and then get on the bus the next morning and she's out of mind as soon as she's out of sight. Its sad when one of them really starts getting feelings for one of the guys - because they have ZERO respect for a girl like that, and wouldn't actually date one. I saw a lot of infidelity over the years too. A few of the members past have been married - but it didn't stop them from tagging a skank every once in a while.

 

The current members really don't do stuff like that anymore, but some of the stories I've heard over the years from their beginning days... hoo, boy.

[kkat]

First of all, listen to anything LucreziaB has to say on this or any topic. This dame knows of what she speaks.

 

Secondly, please don't automatically hate me as I am an ex-OW, but I wouldn't give it a second thought - and certainly it is no reflection on you that your H had an A or sex with a skanky woman.

 

This is about him and his illness, not about you - or her for that matter. If he had that many relationships exterior to your marriage, he obviously wasn't analyzing the pros and cons of these women before he got involved with them, nor does it sound like he stayed involved for long term relationships with them.

 

Further, I am an example that physical beauty, intelligence, etc. don't necessarily factor into a man's ultimate choice. I'm the ex-OW and am considered a style icon, a classic beauty, am a self-made businesswoman of substantial financial accomplishment, whip smart, funny, the best friend you'd ever want, and despite this commentary, humble and loving. I mention these things only to make a comparison. His wife is uneducated, devastatingly unsophisticated, not pretty or sexy (although did have a pretty face years ago - I saw pictures), and honestly, quite the skank in appearance, without a trace of sexuality. She has very few friends because few women respect her, she is a fish out of water in most circumstances.

 

Still, then man loves her. It's not about the appearance.

 

Your H clearly wants to be with you, but he strayed because of problems he has within himself. You sound like a beautiful, confident woman who is doing quite well moving on from the affair.

 

Good luck to you!

[lindya]

Sounds to me like these groupies aren't the only ones pandering to the more misogynistic elements of some band members.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sounds to me like these groupies aren't the only ones pandering to the more misogynistic elements of some band members.

 

I'm merely reflecting what they say in the language that they use in order to better illustrate my points. Sometimes it helps to see things from the other side, and if you can show pretty clearly what that 'other side' is like - including using the language - then the answers can become more clear.

 

I'm aware that misogyny runs rampant in situations like this - but I've been around these guys for over ten years, and these women do not think of themselves as exploited or 'victims'. They freely choose to do this, and they do it often. Then they brag about which ones they've slept with, and compare notes about it. They try to one-up each other in person and on the (now defunct) message boards over the times they've done it with a particular member. When I say there's a pecking order, I mean there's a pecking order. If you were to go backstage and pull out some feminist stuff about how they are exploited and should be outraged by being called 'slut', 'ho' or 'skank' - trust me, they'd turn it on you.

 

They perceive their ability to have who they want as having power of sorts. Are they sexy looking? Sure, usually - but not always. Do they care even one iota if there is a husband or girlfriend at home? Nope. (I am not implying that OW are like this - just the particular girls I've known over the years). What makes them skanky? Well, some are - others just carry themselves that way when they are at a show. Some are female Lotharios who are in it for the conquest. Some are very needy, and hide that under a hard, hard shell of makeup and attitude.

 

If you choose to see what I say as a reflection of misogyny on my part, then there's little I can do to stop you. Words only have the power that you give them. Me? I don't give unnecessary power to words. I use the language freely, because pretty much nothing offends me and sexist language is just words in my book - just more things to illustrate a point.

[lindya]

If you were to go backstage and pull out some feminist stuff about how they are exploited and should be outraged by being called 'slut', 'ho' or 'skank' - trust me, they'd turn it on you.

 

I have absolutely no doubt of that.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Anybody up on stage is going to get lots of attention, doesn't matter what they look like. With the surplus of no-strings-attached free ayas, most guys let it go to their heads. If they were the average Joe walking down the street, no one would even give them a second look.

 

My mother had a helluva time with my father and his groupies during the first ten years of their marriage. No long term affairs -- just a string of one night stands. A few of which turned into fatal attractions where the girls would call the house and try to stir up trouble. Like LB, I could TELL you some stories! How my mother put up with it and stayed married to him anyway, I'll never know.

 

Naturally, because I grew up around music and that environment, I was subconsciously attracted to guys who were just like my Dad. My first love played in a band, and my mother tried to warn me. Should have listened, cause BOY was she right!! After that, I vowed never again to hook up with anyone affiliated with a band, who spent their weekends on the road surrounded by drunk, horny, groupies.

 

Ironically, my current partner is a drummer…or a former drummer I should say. And I'm not too embarrassed to admit that I would have been way too paranoid to continue our relationship if he hadn't already quit his band.

 

BTW --- Anybody wanna buy a Hip-Gig? He's sellin' it cheap!

 

Help... opinions please?

 

Don't date guys in bands.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey Lovenoloss,

My h is in a band too.. He hasn't been out in the playing out world in a while.. His drummer just got out of prison and they been replacing him with others.. This band member isn't reliable and cost them alot of money after screwing up this recording.. I couldn't believe that they would bring that low life back into the band he only brings the band down.. He is a druggy and stays on probation all the time..

[lilmoma1973]

CONTINUED from lilmoma

Anyway i got my mom to watch our daughter so i could go to one of his shows a yr ago and my h said "i couldn't go this wasn't a place for me" I was furious i haven't been to anymore of his gigs since we had our daughter and she is 5 now .. I surprized him with taking her to my moms and he got mad.. I told him them if you want me to support you and believe in you then why won't you let me go.. His reply was you are too closeminded.. I don't get it.. I use to go while i was preggo and even before and he never said i was closedminded now im a mom and i am .. I just don't get it.. He has a webpage on myspace and he sent it and you should see the women on there they are trashy looking skanky hos and worshiping them some are teenie boopers and i said something about that and my h said once again you are so closedminded.. Don't get me wrong but i don't like tattoos and im no trampy and would never put me pics on there half naked and saying things like"i know you want to get in my pants in my profile" If that isn't trashy then what is if that is closed minded then i guess i must be.. He said everyone has their on opinions if that true all im doing is giving my opinion doesn't mean they have to agree.. The thing is he says they are freaks too and that isn't his thing either if they want to come to his show and give money he is all for it.. He says im too negative and goodie two shoes .. Im not a goodie two show person i just have morals and values and know that you can dress sexy and not look freaky and still get attention.. My daughter seen someone at the movies when we was walking out and said eeewh moma that person dresses crazy and i said not everyone dresses the way we like .. but that doesn't mean you don't have your own opinion.. I told h i guess my daughter is closed minded too because she didn't think rubber boots and torn knit hose and different color hair was appropriate to go to a movie. This couple couldn't have been no more than the age of 13 what is this world coming to.. All thekids are turning goth i don't get it!! I GUESS IM OLD FASHIONED!! The thing i get pissed about is my h wanting me to support him and believe in his band but yet he doesn't want me there saying ill be all negative.. Personally he don't want me there i won't support him !! I WON'T BELIEVE IN HIM!! He has cheated seven yrs ago but i still fear that it will happen again .. I EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED SO THAT I WON'T BE FOOLED AGAIN.. I never thought he would cheat and he did and i will never let my guard down fully again that way it will be easier.. Him being in the band makes me think it will happen again cause grouppies will do anything .. He cheated not with grouppies it was his ex that he has a son with she is a tramp and likes to sleep around.. so i think isf he will be with her he will be with anything.. I am alot prettier than her and look a hell of alot better than her and i just never understand why he did that .. i never have treated him the way she did she cheated on him the whole time they were together.. I guess im not trampy enough i don't know!! Sorry so long hope i don't get bashed

[lilmoma1973]

Hey its me again lilmoma,

sorry forgot to add this .. I made the comment to h that i have watched the elvis movie look how he did his wife.. He says it isn't like that nomore!! I don't believe that.. I also watched the movie Rockstar and they did it also and h said i watch too many movies those are real lives of real people it happens in bands and when people get famous and that is what im afraid of.. thanks

[LoveNoLoss]

While you all have good points it still doesn't explain "the attraction." I guess it is different for women. I know I have to at least be moderatly attracted to the person I am with. I KNOW my husband's taste and believe me, she doesn't fit the bill. So, I guess it's easier for guys to "put a so called bag on the face" and go at it.

 

I don't understand why being in a band = sleeping with groupies. Then doing it AND being married? What gives? What about guilt, or I love my wife. I know he slept with some without condoms so what if I had caught something? Don't these things cross the mind of a musician boning everything that moves much less anyone else?

 

He claims he loved me all the way through it and still loves me more than anything... is this possible when one is a musician on the road every weekend and sleeping with groupies?

 

Damn the rockstar life.... I will NEVER go near that again...

[EnigmaXOXO]

So, I guess it's easier for guys to "put a so called bag on the face" and go at it.

 

Or…maybe the darker the lighting and the more trashed one gets, the better the booty looks? Also called "Coyote Ugly."

 

But in all seriousness, I think it's wholly possible for people to become "drunk" on celebrity status and actually start believing their own hype. Absolute power corrupts, and too often people get carried away with themselves and become 'Gods' in their own minds….or "rock stars"…whatever your poison.

 

Never underestimate the frailty of the human ego.

[Mr Spock]

Gawd. Would you rather he have f*cked someone much better looking and in better shape than you?? I'm sure that wouldn't help your self esteem either. Bottom of the line is your husband got his rocks off with multiple other women. Why?? Because he's an assh*le. And he could.

 

 

Don't decry some chick's fun time because you don't like it. That's not the issue. In fact, it detracts from your issue with him.

 

 

There is nothing stopping him from banging every girl that crosses his path. Saying "I love you" and actually changing are very much not the same thing.

 

I have a suspicion that you will need to turn a blind eye to make your marriage work. Really, there is no incentive for him to stop-you're not there.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey Enigma,

You make a very good point that could be the reason .. Maybe the tramps and trashy people make them feel like they are God and that is the reason they are with them .. They make them feel like they matter and make them feel good about themselves if they are having a selfesstem issue...

[LoveNoLoss]

Mr Spock,

 

I would have preferred that he didn't sleep with anyone but yeah, I get your point.

 

As for decrying her good time... I wouldn't waste my time..

 

as for turning a blind eye, I would prefer to be with someone where I didn't have to do that. We are no longer together.

 

I always feel like such a freak because you hear all these stories about people having maybe one or two affairs and they are in a bad marriage.. blah blah blah... but then there is me... 7 years of marriage and seven women although I suspect there are probably way more...

 

My husband and I were very happy together. We had a great sex life...etc. I was a very patient wife and let him play in bands our entire marriage. Most musicians would think I was the dream wife... and probably even dreamier if they were slutting around... clearly that was my situation. I still stick with the idea that he is a Narcissist (sexual).

[SexKitten]

you're not together anymore. let it go.

[Mr Spock]

Ah...OK. I get it-sex kitten is right. Now you're just obessing, which is NOT healthy. Let it go. Your husband slept with those women because he wanted different poontang, and he could get it and that's pretty much ALL.

 

It's men.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Ah...OK. I get it-sex kitten is right. Now you're just obessing, which is NOT healthy. Let it go. Your husband slept with those women because he wanted different poontang, and he could get it and that's pretty much ALL.

 

It's men.

 

yep, i'm in agreement with this assessment. the original question was why did her husband sleep with a chick she considered to be a skank. the answer that came immediately to mind was that he did it because he's a skank too. and skanky guys place a lot of value on having new poontang.

 

**note: i'm NOT saying LoveNoLoss is a skank - i'm saying that she unfortunately married one.