jsmith92 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 So i have been with my current girlfriend for 10 months now, everything is good and we are happy. Im 24 and she is 22, this is my third relationship, i have only been single for 6 months since my 18th birthday, ive slept with 4 girls in total. My girlfriend has an opposite past to me, im her first relationship over 6 months and i know she has a past of sleeping around. She knows my number but i dont know hers, my guess is its around the 10 mark but possibly more. I havent really thought about her past until recently, she says she is very happy with me and that after a few years of being single she is happy to be in a relationship and we have spoke about the future quite a lot. We have known each other for three years and were really good mates before we started seeing each other. I know her number is going to be a lot more then mine, shes got the experience of the single life whereas ive had 2 long term relationships before the one im currently in. Ive just been curious lately to find out what her exact nunber is, is it worth me bringing it up or should it not matter? Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Ive just been curious lately to find out what her exact nunber is, is it worth me bringing it up or should it not matter? It obviously matters. Have you sought advice for the shampoo she uses? For her education? For her sense of humor? For any of her other characteristics? No you havent, because those truly don't matter. You took the time, put your thoughts to keyboard and posted. You care. So here's what you do--think 2 steps ahead. Path 1--You don't ask. Is this really possible? Is it going to gnaw at you more than it does now? Will you be able to just shut up your mind about it and move on? Be honest, most people can't 'just move on' about anything. Path 2--You ask. --2A--Its a small number. Yeah, life is good...unless...is she lying? Will you accept her answer as fact? --2B--Its an uncomfortable number. Not gross, but a few over where you think is tolerable. Is that going to gnaw at you? Will you need gory details? Will you compare your performance against the idealized ones you have created in your mind for her? --2C--Triple digits. Then what? Puke right in front of her as you run to be tested? Think of a high number, then triple it. Is that a dealbreaker? Do you really want to hear that number? There you go, all the possibilities. Pick your path, but you have been warned. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 Itl probably be 2A, she knows ive just stuck to mainly long term girlfriends so i feel she wont want to put me off but would be interesting to hear her answer. Im comfortable with my own performance, i wouldnt compare as she says im one of the best she has had and i believe her when she says that as i do know what im doing, ive got experience myself, its just with a few girls not a big number of them. I havent thought about it the last 10 months and dont know why i have started to now but i will probably bring it up and see what she says. She knows about me id just like to know about hers too, even if it does suprise me. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 jsmith92, Her past isn't any of your business. Don't ask questions unless you can deal with the answers. When I was single(divorced) and dating I was interested in a guy's attitude towards women and relationships, not numbers. Personally I wouldn't rock the boat at this stage. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 No don't bring it up and put it out of your mind too. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 Thinking about it, i cant see how it will do any good me asking. She knows my background and i roughly know hers, was just wondering if it was normal to ask at this stage, im just curious. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 The past is the past. Focus on the present. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Thinking about it, i cant see how it will do any good me asking. She knows my background and i roughly know hers, was just wondering if it was normal to ask at this stage, im just curious. Normal? As in the sun rises in the east? No, not that normal at all. I was married for 23 and have dated seven women afterward. I don't know any of their numbers... not a one. However, I do believe them when they tell me I'm the best ever, so just go with that. Life will be simpler. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
The D Train Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 If you're at the stage where you are committed with each other in a relationship, get it out of the way and ask her. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Itl probably be 2A, she knows ive just stuck to mainly long term girlfriends so i feel she wont want to put me off but would be interesting to hear her answer. Im comfortable with my own performance, i wouldnt compare as she says im one of the best she has had and i believe her when she says that as i do know what im doing, ive got experience myself, its just with a few girls not a big number of them. I havent thought about it the last 10 months and dont know why i have started to now but i will probably bring it up and see what she says. She knows about me id just like to know about hers too, even if it does suprise me. Just as WhatYouWantToHear intimated, what is your real purpose behind your sudden compulsion to know? Is it simply curiosity? Is it borne from a right to full disclosure? Is it for fodder in anticipated future arguments? Is it to rest-assure yourself that you are, indeed, *better* than her? Personally, I'd be more interested in discovering my underlying *need to know* and what my planned reaction to the information would be, rather than my SO's actual answer. Good luck to you, OP...if you plan to go ahead with satisfying your compulsion, you're undoubtedly going to need it... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I work under the assumption that if someone wants me to know something, they'll tell me. I have a 'never dig' policy. As a consequence, people often confide in me, because they know I'm not hungry for information about them. Its good to respect other people's boundaries as much as you do your own. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cablebandit Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 be glad she has had some sex before you. When young we all want a virgin because that leaves us in the superior position when it comes to experience and it protects our fragile egos. I used to deal with this same issue as my wife was somewhat promiscuous in her teens/twenties. Her number was 15 when I asked and mine was 25. My number was higher and I was STILL bothered just like you. It was because of my own insecurities. I knew I had a lot of young/new sex with girls who were not very experienced but IMAGINED my wife had been having porn style sex with the best lovers who were all 9+ ". After we discussed my insecurities (THAT"S THE CURE) I discovered that she had had the same new/young/inexperienced/awkward sex that i had and most of it was very forgettable. Now I am glad she had some sex before me because at least she figured out what she likes and how to communicate that to me. Armed with that data and a willingness to learn even more about her likes, I can now confidently look back and say that I am a better lover than 14 other guys she had and a few were on the large side. That's a pretty good ego boost and where you will be once you confront and deal with your insecurities. Every woman is different so you must learn what SHE likes and do that. If you do...YOU will be KIng Dick in her mind 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 My girlfriend has an opposite past to me, im her first relationship over 6 months and i know she has a past of sleeping around. She knows my number but i dont know hers, my guess is its around the 10 mark but possibly more. ..... Ive just been curious lately to find out what her exact nunber is, is it worth me bringing it up or should it not matter? First question: Why do you think that she has a large number of partners? Is this just some speculation on your part? Second question: Why does it matter? Don't get me wrong, this isn't me about to espouse some sort of line about sexual double standards or trying to shame you will parrotted talking points. You may have some legit reasons for wanting to know information. I personally would want to know IF there was some indication that there was a behavior that could come back to haunt me, i.e. if my SO had a problem with money I would want to know some more details about it. Sometimes or behavior is an indication of other underlying issues. However, I wouldn't dig into something just out of idle curiosity, but if you are seeing anomalies then you should find out where they're coming from. Is there any odd behaviors that she is exhibiting that is giving you pause? If not, let it go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 Quite a few questions for me to answer there. Im not in anyway threatend by her past, she says to me i am one of if not her best she has been with n i believe her when she says that. Without meaning to be big headed i know i am good in the bedroom, i dont have a lot of experience in terms of the number of girls i have slept with however i have had lots of sex in my time experimenting lots of things and i always want to satisfy the girl im with more then anything. Im her first serious boyfriend, when we were mates she told me she had a few crazy years between 17 & 19 where she just didnt care about herself (she lost her mum at 18) and she just did lots of things without caring. Since we have got together we briefly spoke about past and she says she isnt proud of how she has acted at times but now that she is happy with me this is what she wants. We are happy, its just a case of her knowing everything about my past when i dont know hers i suppose . Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 It's none of your business how many she's slept with. You should never ask a woman that question. What she did before she met you is irrelevant unless she was doing it for money or something. People go through different phases. Some are more exploratory (and popular!) than others. Fact of life. Doesn't make them a bad person or incapable of faithfulness and love. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 It's none of your business how many she's slept with. You should never ask a woman that question. What she did before she met you is irrelevant unless she was doing it for money or something. People go through different phases. Some are more exploratory (and popular!) than others. Fact of life. Doesn't make them a bad person or incapable of faithfulness and love. I know many people who have asked there partners, ive been open about my past why cant i expect her to be open about hers. We briefly literally just spoke about it as it came up and she said its less then 10 so im just going to leave it at that. Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Her past isn't any of your business.... It's none of your business how many she's slept with. You should never ask a woman that question.... Its funny, when people say things like that, they are telling you a lot about themselves more than providing sound advice. No reasoning, just defensiveness. Be wearry of people like this. It's also path 2D: She gets really defensive and mad and saying things like 'none of your business' and 'you should never ask...'. I would say thats worse than telling you 108 guys, because you can't have an honest and open relationship with someone like that. Her being embarassed and even ashamed is one thing, but defensiveness and anger is another. My advice wasn't advice in either direction. I think its fine to want to know and to ask--just think through the possibilities and make sure you can handle them. Asking/not asking could both be right answers, just make sure you chose the right one for you and your relatioship. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Yes, and the person who asks someone their number is a big red flag that says "double standard" and "control issues" and "inadequacy." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 It is not controlling, im not obsessed on knowing. We spoke about it briefly and thats it now, shouldnt have to be a big deal or for people to be seen as controlling for wanting to know. If you find it a big deal you might not be too proud of your own number. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 It is not controlling, im not obsessed on knowing. We spoke about it briefly and thats it now, shouldnt have to be a big deal or for people to be seen as controlling for wanting to know. If you find it a big deal you might not be too proud of your own number. ?!? Your words from your original post: So i have been with my current girlfriend for 10 months now, everything is good and we are happy... I havent really thought about her past until recently...Ive just been curious lately to find out what her exact nunber is... is it worth me bringing it up or should it not matter? As to your posted final question, people have been responding with their advice, just as you'd asked them to. You should have rephrased your query to read, "Tell me that I have the God-given right to insist to know her number" since that's how you wanted others to reply. Had you done that, those of us who couldn't genuinely tell you that could have been spared the insult ("If you find it a big deal you might not be too proud of your own number") and would have skipped over the thread. But thanks for answering my question as to what you intend to do with the info, once you get it out of her: you plan to [attempt to] shame her with it, just as you [presumptuously] attempted to shame those who didn't go with your choice of "should I bring it up", but rather went with your choice of "let it go". Best of luck with your relationship where "everything is good and [you] are happy". Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 Another know it all ^ The other woman was telling me i have no right to know her business, thats her opinion and one many would disagree with Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Another know it all ^ The other woman was telling me i have no right to know her business, thats her opinion and one many would disagree with Yes, you asked others' for their opinions; "the other woman" gave you hers and you didn't like it. Just like several others gave you their opinions and you didn't like theirs', either. So you lashed out and let everyone who shared their opinion which you asked for AND that didn't say what you wanted to read that 'they are perhaps embarrassed by their own number'. It was uncalled for...but, very revealing. And, very telling as to why you want to know her number AND what you intend to do with the information, once you get it out of her. Again and still, best of continued good luck in your relationship which is [currently] 'all good'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 But i didnt have a pop at anyone else did I? It was the way she was so against me debating about asking. It is my business she cant tell me it isnt, and you dont know what i would have done with the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
joystickd Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I say yeah ask that way you can make an informed decision of her. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 But i didnt have a pop at anyone else did I? It was the way she was so against me debating about asking. It is my business she cant tell me it isnt, and you dont know what i would have done with the answer. Your reply read as if it was not directed at anyone, but instead to the thread's participants in general; you did not bother (as you had with other responses) to quote any one poster, in particular, when replying. You are correct: I can not "know" what you are going to do, as I don't know you nor am I you; however, I can create an opinion, based on the knowledge at hand, which is based on your interactions within this thread when responding to others, to form a pretty sound educated guess as to what you will do with the information. So far, you've been pretty danged argumentative and insulting ("If you find it a big deal you might not be too proud of your own number" and "Another know it all") when people write something you don't want to read . Perhaps you're different in real life when people tell you something you don't want to hear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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