Author jsmith92 Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 I havent been argumentative with everyone. Just with yourself and the other woman, one of you telling me its not my business and being all defensive, and yourself thinkin you know me, you dont. Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Again, people this emotional and defensive and italics/bolding/quote mark-using about a geniune question are saying more about themselves than providing any help or insight into your question. Quit feeding the trolls. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I havent been argumentative with everyone. Just with yourself and the other woman, one of you telling me its not my business and being all defensive, and yourself thinkin you know me, you dont. That's why *we* are "arguing"...because "[i be] thinkin know [you] and dont"?!? I already stated I don't know you...so *we* can't be arguing when *we* are in agreement...yet, here you are, arguing over that to which *we* have already agreed. Hmmm. Here's another educated guess: I'll bet whatever her answer is, you won't be happy with it and you'll 'argue' with her about it, all the while insisting that you will have the last word in that 'argument', too. Hopefully, she'll be equally wise and will also *let* you have the last word, as you are wont to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
big dog Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 it would probably be better to get it over with now if it's bothering you at all rather than to get serious and maybe even marry later only to have it cause problems down the road. At least if there's an issue with it now you can maybe part ways... possibly even maintain the friendship. If it's gonna keep bothering you then you need to just get it done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 But this is the point she has already given me an answer, less then 10 and i have left it. So your educated guess, surprise surprise, is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 You have to understand that this topic specifically is very volatile for a lot of people and has less to do with examining the past and more to do with a woman's sexuality. So you're probably going to take some lumps that were intended for someone else many years ago. If this was written by a woman and wanting to understand something about her boyfriends past involving cheating, bouncing capriciously through relationships, or otherwise being a player I can promise you that there would not be nearly as much issue with poking into someone's past trying to draw conclusions about their character today. I was on a messageboard years ago where a woman was beside herself when she found a bunch of old love letters from her boyfriends ex that were several years old. She admitted that if he had a string of one stands in his past she could deal, but a substantial relationship with mementos of expressions of love caused her to pinwheel. So yes, the past can be an issue and I don't fault you, out of hand, for wanting information. People have different things that they associate with "problems". The problem that I do have is why you would want this information. Much like other behaviors, the context is what tells you everything. If your only reason to know is to simply compare notes then I would suggest letting go, but if you're seeing something that may have implications about the relationship then I can understand. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
loveflower Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 It's none of your business how many she's slept with. You should never ask a woman that question. What she did before she met you is irrelevant unless she was doing it for money or something. People go through different phases. Some are more exploratory (and popular!) than others. Fact of life. Doesn't make them a bad person or incapable of faithfulness and love. This is ridiculous. It's very much OP's business. People have the right to know who they are involved with. Tell a employer your past is employment none of his business. Guaranteed you get zero job. you past jobs pretty much determine your next job. irrelevant? HR will tell you that past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. personally, I need to know because someone who used to sleep around is dirty and incompatible with me. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Quite a few questions for me to answer there. Im not in anyway threatend by her past, she says to me i am one of if not her best she has been with n i believe her when she says that. Without meaning to be big headed i know i am good in the bedroom, i dont have a lot of experience in terms of the number of girls i have slept with however i have had lots of sex in my time experimenting lots of things and i always want to satisfy the girl im with more then anything. Im her first serious boyfriend, when we were mates she told me she had a few crazy years between 17 & 19 where she just didnt care about herself (she lost her mum at 18) and she just did lots of things without caring. Since we have got together we briefly spoke about past and she says she isnt proud of how she has acted at times but now that she is happy with me this is what she wants. We are happy, its just a case of her knowing everything about my past when i dont know hers i suppose . Because you wanted to be a blabber mouth Like Ralph Kramden's MIL that does not mean that you have to make it her problem. There is no reason to exchange numbers. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 It's none of your business how many she's slept with. [...] What she did before she met you is irrelevant unless she was doing it for money or something. Or unless... fill in the blank with your particular area of distain. I grew up in a small town. I remember that I particularly did not want to be with someone that got around in the sense that all of my buddies had slept with her... or who was cavalier, indiscriminate, indiscreet, etc. That's just the way gender/sexuality/moralistic systems works in our society and it doesn't matter how much the ones who got around don't like it, that's how it's going to be for the next thousand years as well. There was one young woman in particular who dated a buddy of mine through high school. We were all good friends. They broke up and she dated somebody else for awhile- no big deal. She had been faithful and she was seen as respectable. But after that second relationship ended she started jumping from one guy to another quickly. She was attractive and social, so she could have her pick- she'd chat them up and they'd bite. Eventually she got around to me... by that time I was disgusted. First, I had the sense that she was conducting sex tryouts, and second most of my best friends had already slept with her. Every time it was said that she had gone out with yet another guy there would be a long, awkward silence immediately thereafter. I found it curious that she didn't understand that in jumping from one back seat to another she had devalued her currency. Keep in mind, this was a few decades ago and it was southern, rural, small town America. Like it or not, who slept with whom was everybody's business. You couldn't have your cake and eat it too. You have to understand that this topic specifically is very volatile for a lot of people and has less to do with examining the past and more to do with a woman's sexuality. So you're probably going to take some lumps that were intended for someone else many years ago. If this was written by a woman and wanting to understand something about her boyfriends past involving cheating, bouncing capriciously through relationships, or otherwise being a player I can promise you that there would not be nearly as much issue with poking into someone's past trying to draw conclusions about their character today. Yes, this is true. Women hate what they refer to as the double standard... the fact that men are not penalized socially in the same way as women for promiscuity. But yea, there are several rather forward speaking women on LS who openly and deliberately judge men on the promiscuity factor as being indicative of character... and then you have others who get their feathers all ruffled when anyone implies that female promiscuity matters in any way whatsoever. OP, you know you've got a good woman who is true-blue with a relatively low number. That's all that really matters. Don't ask and don't worry about it anymore. Appreciate her for who she is and grow in your relationship with her. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I don't see any benefit in asking. She's with you...she's happy..your happy....just enjoy the relationship and see where it leads. As long as you're true to each other in THIS relationship ....then 'her number' really doesn't matter. Also.. sleeping with lots of people doesn't necessarily make you a better lover. My first BF only had one GF before me and he was a great lover.......head and shoulders above my next BF who'd had way more. No need to make her uncomfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 It is really interesting how many threads are started here about this very issue. These treads are either about someone who already asked and got an answer that was a high number and they can't get over it... or the thread is about someone who is wondering about the past number of partners but is not sure if they should ask because they would most likely be bothered by a high number of past partners. SO It seems to me that if this is a really important issue to someone, in the early stages of dating they just admit that it is important for them to be in a relationship with someone who has a small number of past sexual partners. That way you don't pry into someone's past before you get to know them. You are just stating something about yourself and what you want and the other person can make an informed decision whether or not to continue seeing you based on this information. I mean, if it's going to be an issue later, then maybe it's best to just get it out in the open early. Maybe just state that OP, if it is in fact important to you, that is. She can then make the decision what to do. For me, knowing a girlfriends past sexual activity was always an area I *hated* talking about. And I have always hated it when girlfriends start asking a lot of questions of me regarding this issue. Sometimes girlfriends would start offering the information and it always felt like TMI!!! Don't ask don't tell!! That's my policy. Link to post Share on other sites
joystickd Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I say yes. Basically getting to know someone means you are evaluating them to see if they meet your criteria to move further into a relationship. It's important to know things like that because you wouldn't want someone that has characteristics or has done actions that go against your beliefs, values, etc. I see it as a issue of women being not afraid to be judged but afraid of being seen as not relationship material because of their actions. Actions have consequences and as an adult we all have to deal with them. The more we try to avoid talking about our actions in order to avoid the consequences then the worse the consequences become. I'm one to ask and not afraid to answer if asked and suffer the consequences Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I think the original posters was asking an innocent question and everyone of you None-Of-Your-Businessesers brought your own emotional baggage to the party and dumped it on him. Sorry you guys have regrets, but finding out about a person, especially their intimate details, is how we fall in love. Replace 'How many sex partners?' with 'How many cars have you owned?'" and use your none-of-your business logic: How many cars a woman has owned is none of your business and only shows how immature you are. You should never ask any one about how many cars they have owned, because its not like they can go back and change that and its not who they are now. Asking that only shows how little self-esteem you have about yourself and shows you are lookign for way to sabotage the relationship and use it against them. The person who makes that argument is nuts. Sharing past experiences, the good and bad, is how people bond and come to love one another. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 10 months into it and after you've determined you're the best your SO's ever had is a little late in the game to be asking another their number, IF it's for legitimate reasons. It is, however, a perfect time to ask if one's simply looking for *dirt* to fuel future arguments in an otherwise 'everything's good and we are happy' stage of a relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I think the original posters was asking an innocent question and everyone of you None-Of-Your-Businessesers brought your own emotional baggage to the party and dumped it on him. Sorry you guys have regrets, but finding out about a person, especially their intimate details, is how we fall in love. Replace 'How many sex partners?' with 'How many cars have you owned?'" and use your none-of-your business logic: How many cars a woman has owned is none of your business and only shows how immature you are. You should never ask any one about how many cars they have owned, because its not like they can go back and change that and its not who they are now. Asking that only shows how little self-esteem you have about yourself and shows you are lookign for way to sabotage the relationship and use it against them. The person who makes that argument is nuts. Sharing past experiences, the good and bad, is how people bond and come to love one another. Well, I think that's where you're missing the point. People who enjoy their relationships don't regret having them because they're not judgmental about themselves or others about having the fortune to be popular and able to have an active social life. And they're not about to put up with someone who is resentful of that and isn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Well, I think that's where you're missing the point. People who enjoy their relationships don't regret having them because they're not judgmental about themselves or others about having the fortune to be popular and able to have an active social life. And they're not about to put up with someone who is resentful of that and isn't. Again, this says more about you than the original poster or the issue itself. You are inferring judgementalness and resentfulness where none implied. You are incapable of having an unbiased discussion of this subject because of your emotional attachment to it. Sort of like a lot of people on both sides of abortion, gun control and religion. You are making incorrect assumptions about the other side's opinion and intentions. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 OP just close this thread. It's going no where now except in circles. You have your answer from your GF and seem satisfied with it so I guess there is nothing more on the table for you. Peace! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted January 24, 2016 Author Share Posted January 24, 2016 Yes, i have my answer and i have just left it at that. If it was a lot more its not like i would have overreacted and ended the relationship or anything. I started this thread as i just wasnt sure if it was right of me or not to ask or even think about her past. Its just she knows all about my past and i wanted to know a little bit more about hers I don't see why that is such a big deal. Far too many defensive women on here. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 ...Far too many defensive women on here. *Odd*. Exactly 5 women said 'No, don't ask'...AND exactly 5 men said 'No, don't ask' yet, the women got accused of being 'far too defensive'. Link to post Share on other sites
joystickd Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 *Odd*. Exactly 5 women said 'No, don't ask'...AND exactly 5 men said 'No, don't ask' yet, the women got accused of being 'far too defensive'. If the situation was reversed the question would be: Would you feel that men are being too defensive? I believe he should ask not for the sake of knowing but for the sake of evaluating her for relationship and higher levels of commitment. We all judge. It's best we accept that. You go to a job and you are judged whether you are the best candidate. A felon gets judged because he committed a crime in the past. I know it will be said that it's different but the simple fact is you are judged. This doesn't pertain to anyone person but in general. What's the problem with asking if I'm looking to spend my life with someone and invest time and emotion? Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Its most definitely your business to know this - ONLY - if you have a different standard and belief system for sex and love then hers...and NOT the number of partners - but only ask if she shares your belief system or not. But then it appears you don't fundamentally have a difference in sexual practices or beliefs so DONT ASK about it now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted January 24, 2016 Author Share Posted January 24, 2016 Its the way you have gone about it, so defensive and like i have been out of order even thinking about it. I can take it if i get a response like 'no leave it, it wont do your relationship any good' but instead i have certain people being very defensive saying its none of my business n people like yourself looking for a reaction. I wasnt thinking about asking with the view of causing trouble like you assume, i was just curious. I have briefly spoke about it with my gf in a civil manner and that is the end of it. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 ...What's the problem with asking if I'm looking to spend my life with someone and invest time and emotion? As I've previously indicated, repeatedly, in this thread (but you missed), there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with it. IF it's for the right reason AND IF it's asked in the appropriate time-frame. Waiting 'til you're 10 months in to an exclusive relationship and have determined you're "the best she's ever had" is a little bit like closing the barn doors after the horses have run out... ...and suggests ulterior motives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted January 24, 2016 Author Share Posted January 24, 2016 As I've previously indicated, repeatedly, in this thread (but you missed), there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with it. IF it's for the right reason AND IF it's asked in the appropriate time-frame. Waiting 'til you're 10 months in to an exclusive relationship and have determined you're "the best she's ever had" is a little bit like closing the barn doors after the horses have run out... ...and suggests ulterior motives. This is your problem, you dont know my motives so stop assuming you know everything, you dont. Link to post Share on other sites
joystickd Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 As I've previously indicated, repeatedly, in this thread (but you missed), there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with it. IF it's for the right reason AND IF it's asked in the appropriate time-frame. Waiting 'til you're 10 months in to an exclusive relationship and have determined you're "the best she's ever had" is a little bit like closing the barn doors after the horses have run out... ...and suggests ulterior motives. Slow down there. Real I was talking in general. My post didn't pertain to you. I just used yours as a point of reference. Don't get defensive.. Link to post Share on other sites
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