Letting a break up drag unnecessarily because you are still in love

[Chicago.]

My break up with my exgirlfriend of 4 years has been dragging on and on because I have let it and I really appreciate this forum as it has helped me open my eyes to a lot.

 

I felt she did not love me towards the end of our relationship and it ultimately led to my disinterest and a mutual break up.

 

Shortly after the break up she decided she wanted to get back together. I ignored her calls and texts for about 4 days until they stopped. It was about that time that I realized I had made a mistake in not trying to work on the relationship and ignoring my ex.

 

She had a completely different attitude once I tried contacting her after I felt I made a mistake. I realized I was in fact very in love with her and realized she made me happy....she did not respond to me trying to reconcile and asked for space. After giving her space she told me she didn't know what she wanted. I would go back and forth between contacting her, seeming pushy, and giving her space, and none of it changed her opinion on wanting me back.

 

Finally after over a month of this she decided to end it and say she would be trying to move on and I began working towards accepting her decision.

 

Two days later we somehow..although we live an hour apart...ended up at the same bar on the same night and were on the dance floor at the same time. My ex had been ignoring me so I danced with another girl. Well that drove my ex up the wall and she left the bar crying, blew up my phone, and text very hurtful things (she was intoxicated, but still).

 

I didn't take her very seriously so I ignored most of it. A couple days later she contacted me and I still assumed she was not cooled down and still reacting out of jealousy and didn't want me back, so I ignored her.

 

A few days after that she texted me asking for a date and I agreed. We went on a date and had an amazing night, she hinted towards reconciliation and I jumped all over it, asking if we could be exclusive a little too early..something I realize I should have been patient about.

 

We talked about a second date but I felt she became disinterested and I took that very personally as I expected she was serious about wanting me back. I ended up telling her not to contact me until the idea of a date with me excited her but after a week she never did.

 

Then I got into an accident which landed me in the hospital and practically bed- ridden meanwhile I recover. Reluctantly, since we left off on an open ended note, I advised her of my condition a few days later. She offered to come see me But I let her know that I would not like to have her just come as just a friend. At first she assumed I was trying to pressure her into a relationship with me and she became upset and questioned why I advised her in the first place.

 

I explained that I would like to be able to show affection...then she advised that she is not seeing anyone , has not slept with anyone, still doesn't know what she wants, and would be offering me the full girlfriend experience if I were to let her see me.

 

I realize that what I have to do is decline her girlfriend experience offer for the sake of not dragging on this break up any longer ( been 2 months ). Although the idea of having the woman I truly love by my side during this time sounds perfect, it isn't the perfect circumstance. I should not accept any less than someone who wants to be with me..I just don't want to decline the offer. Do you agree that I should decline and once again initiate NC?

[DrMario]

A lot has gone between you two, it seems like you both have issue's being honest with not only each other but yourselves, clearly you wouldn't be going back and forth so often if you didn't feel an awful lot of love for each other, normally in an average scenario one person wants to stubbornly ignore the other while the other reaches out, but your both stubborn and you both fold and reach out, my advice is that you both talk and figure out what it is that you want, leave your pride at the door when she walks through it, if you want to be together and work on your issues, do that, if not, break up in a nice way that's meaningful to you both, cut the games and do whatever makes you both happy.

[privategal]

My break up with my exgirlfriend of 4 years has been dragging on and on because I have let it and I really appreciate this forum as it has helped me open my eyes to a lot.

 

I felt she did not love me towards the end of our relationship and it ultimately led to my disinterest and a mutual break up.

 

Shortly after the break up she decided she wanted to get back together. I ignored her calls and texts for about 4 days until they stopped. It was about that time that I realized I had made a mistake in not trying to work on the relationship and ignoring my ex.

 

She had a completely different attitude once I tried contacting her after I felt I made a mistake. I realized I was in fact very in love with her and realized she made me happy....she did not respond to me trying to reconcile and asked for space. After giving her space she told me she didn't know what she wanted. I would go back and forth between contacting her, seeming pushy, and giving her space, and none of it changed her opinion on wanting me back.

 

Finally after over a month of this she decided to end it and say she would be trying to move on and I began working towards accepting her decision.

 

Two days later we somehow..although we live an hour apart...ended up at the same bar on the same night and were on the dance floor at the same time. My ex had been ignoring me so I danced with another girl. Well that drove my ex up the wall and she left the bar crying, blew up my phone, and text very hurtful things (she was intoxicated, but still).

 

I didn't take her very seriously so I ignored most of it. A couple days later she contacted me and I still assumed she was not cooled down and still reacting out of jealousy and didn't want me back, so I ignored her.

 

A few days after that she texted me asking for a date and I agreed. We went on a date and had an amazing night, she hinted towards reconciliation and I jumped all over it, asking if we could be exclusive a little too early..something I realize I should have been patient about.

 

We talked about a second date but I felt she became disinterested and I took that very personally as I expected she was serious about wanting me back. I ended up telling her not to contact me until the idea of a date with me excited her but after a week she never did.

 

Then I got into an accident which landed me in the hospital and practically bed- ridden meanwhile I recover. Reluctantly, since we left off on an open ended note, I advised her of my condition a few days later. She offered to come see me But I let her know that I would not like to have her just come as just a friend. At first she assumed I was trying to pressure her into a relationship with me and she became upset and questioned why I advised her in the first place.

 

I explained that I would like to be able to show affection...then she advised that she is not seeing anyone , has not slept with anyone, still doesn't know what she wants, and would be offering me the full girlfriend experience if I were to let her see me.

 

I realize that what I have to do is decline her girlfriend experience offer for the sake of not dragging on this break up any longer ( been 2 months ). Although the idea of having the woman I truly love by my side during this time sounds perfect, it isn't the perfect circumstance. I should not accept any less than someone who wants to be with me..I just don't want to decline the offer. Do you agree that I should decline and once again initiate NC?

Make up your mind. You are both playing games. I want you/ I need to move on...contact/ no contact....she offered to be with you...take it or leave it. Make a firm stand

[Chicago.]

I have been very consistent with my decision to want her back since I contacted her 4 days after our break up. The problem I have is she is not offering to get back together, only to see me, and she has not seemed to be nearly as consistent.

Make up your mind. You are both playing games. I want you/ I need to move on...contact/ no contact....she offered to be with you...take it or leave it. Make a firm stand

[Alamo657]

I have been very consistent with my decision to want her back since I contacted her 4 days after our break up. The problem I have is she is not offering to get back together, only to see me, and she has not seemed to be nearly as consistent.

 

Of course... she is not willing to commit seriously with you any longer.

She might want to see you for the affection, the company and the sex.

But the break up affected the foundations of your relationship for a long time.

 

The moment she meets someone new, she will dump you or have 2 boyfriends at the same time.

 

You are young, just give up on it, learn from your mistakes, and move on. You're loosing your time with a young woman who is not at an age where commitment is a strong value.

[Learningtowalkagain]

 

A few days after that she texted me asking for a date and I agreed. We went on a date and had an amazing night, she hinted towards reconciliation and I jumped all over it, asking if we could be exclusive a little too early..something I realize I should have been patient about.

 

You did nothing wrong by asking her to be exclusive. If you have a serious history with someone, there's no "taking it slow"...one or the other is going to want to be exclusive. There are way too many feelings/emotions/I love you's to go from an exclusive relationship to a just dating.

 

I dated my ex gf all of 2014. We both loved each other very much, talked marriage, but decided to call it quits because we both wanted different things. I still loved her, and I know she still loved me, but I went NC. This past September she approaches me in the parking lot at work with tears in her eyes, says she misses me this and that. I talked to her for about a half hour, then decided to keep things the way they were. November she buys my daughter a bunch of gifts for her birthday. We hang out, she tells me she still loves me, says she thinks I'm her 'soul mate', and says I was the only guy she ever loved. This goes on for a month or so. Finally I asked her what she wants out of this. She says to take things slow. I can't take things slow with someone I was once in love with. So I gave her an ultimatium. She tells me she loves me but doesn't believe in going backwards in life, and she feels emotionally numb/guarded. At the time I thought "I messed up"...but when someone pushes their way back into your life and says the stuff she was saying, I became emotionally invested again. So there was no "taking it slow". So don't beat yourself up over asking to be exclusive.

 

She asked me to have a drink with her this past Tuesday. I declined and wished her well. Unfriended her on social media, and blocked her number. I'm full NC. (Unfortunately I can't block her IMs at work, but I can/will ignore them).

 

Like the above poster says, sounds like both of you are unsure and playing games. I think she is baiting you to keep you around. I would go NC. If she really wants to reconcile, she'll make it known. More than the texts to 'hang out' or whatever. If she asks you out again, just say "I'm not interested in a friendship, there are too many emotions involved between us. If you change your mind you know where to contact me. Until then, take care".

[Chicago.]

Thank you all for reading and offering advice. I had practically brought myself to a point where I was comfortable losing her but knew I still wanted her... and now I'm still very thrown off by how our meet went that I'm uncomfortable with both ideas.

 

When we broke up i immediately tried seeing other women and continued doing so as much as I could bear (it was making me miss my ex more) but I never went further than kissing 1.

 

Meanwhile she apparently gave head to an ex boyfriend..says she doesn't regret it and did it because she liked making him happy, she tried sleeping with another friend but only could get as far as making out with him, hung out with another male friend who she admitted to him that she thought he was cute but he is in an open relationship with his girlfriend and despite this they never did anything, and lastly received oral from a male friend but did not like it. She said the latest encounter made her contact me because she was reminded that she did not like the idea of being intimate with a stranger.

 

She states she would keep seeing all three men because nothing further has happened and will.

 

She states she is willing to reconcile but she is still unsure of some things, but she knows she wants to work on a relationship.

 

She states our relationship would be different in the sense that she is going to be less needy now and continue to try to see other friends including the men above as friends.

 

I feel that she is not serious about reconciling and reinvesting in the relationship and I know if this is the case we are doomed to fail. I confronted her about this and she said this is what she wants. She also asked that I be honest with her that if what she did while we were not together is going to affect how I treat her that we aren't going to work, which is true.

 

I am not comfortable with that she gave head to the ex. It was within a couple weeks after we split. But then again, the same night her and I split I was in the back seat of a girls car making out with her and would have gone further if I could have...I almost regret her being honest with me...She has not even asked about what I have been doing since we split. She would not get over what I did if she found out.

 

Anyway I obviously love her but I feel like I'm being had, I wish there was a **** test I could give her but there really isn't anymore room for games. She is asking me what I want to do. Whether I'm going to want to reconcile and now I have to be asking myself this because of how she went around searching for something else so much within her comfort zone and what she did with her ex, it almost seems like getting back with me is not something she truly wants although we have a great time together and are very compatible with each other.

 

I would like to try to believe that we could reconcile but finally learning that she wasn't really just being a good little girl and learning how to be by herself (i didn't actually believe it anyway) while we were apart stings and I cannot believe she gave head to the ex. I am surprised at my apprehension towards going forward with my decision to reconcile and I would just like some advice as I do love this woman and would like to reconcile, but I also just feel like I should dump her. Thanks for reading.

[Beechy1973]

It's time to move on.

 

Sounds like you both have some development to do to try and find who you are, never mind committing to each other.

 

I guarantee if you remain in pursuit of this girl she will mess you about badly. The more you pursue the more she will hurt you. While this is going on it will erode your self esteem, and that can be challenging to regain.

 

My advice is to forget her and remember the good times, and view it all as a learning curve.

 

Good luck.

 

Beechy

[CarolynC]

There's nothing worse than prolonging a break up. I've been there, and I know what it's like to be in a yo-yo situation. I was in the same situation, and then I decided that I needed to really make things work. I bought my bf a book, Robot Check and so far, sogood