Recovery and healing path - children of alcoholic parents

[candie13]

hi, guys

 

First of all, a big thank you to all the contributors of the Abuse section, you have helped me figure where a large part of my distress comes from.

 

So I'm a kid of alcoholic parents. The alcoholism is in control since 12 years, the family dynamic is better, so on and all, things look "perfect".

 

Understanding of my background

Yeah, so basically, thanks to you guys, I was able to understand the denial phase and got acquainted with Al Anon, which until 2 weeks ago, had no idea existed. I've started to listen to a lot of materials about the characteristics of adult children of alcoholic parents - all the 13 signs and read some research that explains very well about the psychological profile of the "victims" - in my case, the alcohol consumption was present since my infancy, so I never really knew "normality". Ok, I also understood where all the anger and frustration came from and I am working on myself towards forgiveness and self compassion and self love.

 

Solutions, anyone?

But by myself, it's crazy, I can't really make progress. Plus, I hate all that literature explaining all the f*cked up ways we are, like our need of control and fear of intimacy instead of providing and focusing on ways to heal this.

Literature to accompany through healing ?

I am done living in the past and reliving my childhood and having those tense relationships with the authority figures. I'm applying the "one day at the time" and all the other things... but there must be something more, out there, no? I find it hard to believe that there are indepth research about alcoholism since 50 years ago and yet no one tried to map a way out of that mayhem.

 

Action plans, anyone ?

I don't want to F*ck up my life. I don't want to continue living by blaming my parents, I'd like to focus on healing myself ... So what I am doing, is I am changing therapists - to one specialized in addiction and co-dependence. I want to read books, but I don't want to get all that info explaining just to which extent I've been damaged and reaching the end of the book by telling me in one short sentence to "parent myself". What does it even mean?

 

I know I also have to talk and express myself and my anger and my pain. I've done pottery once every 2 weeks, but I think maybe I need to do it once ever week...

 

I don't want to obsess over it, but ... before, it's like I was in the darkness. I had no idea which demon I was fighting against. Now I know it's alcohol - but also emotional and physical abuse. Are there books / other ways to heal that not only explain the psychology of abused children but that help the adult abused children heal ?

 

I don't want to end up with an alcoholic. I don't want to end up alone.

 

what's your journey been? How do you heal yourself?

[AMJ]

I can relate very much to basically all of what you said. My father has been an alcoholic for about ten years, and a rage-aholic for my entire life. During the past 6 months, I've been trying to help my mom leave him, literally, because I cannot watch her suffer any more. Well, with my help her threats to leave became serious, and it woke him up, so suddenly he decides to get sober. And now, she's lost her nerve to leave. I think it's only a matter of time before he relapses, and his attempts to get sober are really just a ploy to keep her from leaving. Needless to say it's a giant ugly mess and I do really understand where you're coming from.

 

I've been in therapy for years. I think it's good you're looking for a therapist who specializes in addiction. My experience is that it's really difficult to find a therapist who you click with, it's just as hard as finding chemistry in a relationship. I think, if after 2-3 visits, you don't feel like the therapist is working for you, it's time to find a new one. And even when you find a therapist who does work for you (by helping you make progress in some way), eventually that progress will plateau, and it may be time to find a new therapist, who will have a new perspective or way to help you grow. This is all an individual process that only you can decide what and who feels right for you.

 

I very much resonate with the frustration about spending so much time identifying why we have the issues we have, whether its in books or with a therapist. For me, I cannot explain how tired I am of telling my father's story, of HIS issues being MY issues. Even when a therapist tries to connect my current problems to my family, I immediately get resentful. I'll say, "yes, I know, I get it. My family is screwed up, my dad was an *******, I know. What I don't know, is how to recover? How to move on? How to fix myself? How to fix this current problem?" But still, therapists will always want to dig into my past, get me to talk about all of those painful memories and how they made me feel.

 

I feel like you- I just want a plan of action with concrete steps. Let's fix this problem and move on. Who wants to spend years of your adult life dealing with all of this painful stuff from your childhood? I certainly don't. I don't want to repeat my parent's mistakes, either.

 

I've learned that one thing we- adult children of alcoholics- have a problem with is self-compassion. We tend to blame ourselves a lot, for things outside of our control, including the alcoholic, and the difficulty of recovering from having an alcoholic parent. I hear a little bit of that self-criticism in your post. It's like you're frustrated with yourself for not being able to heal more quickly. So I'd suggest as a first step to give yourself some serious credit for all the steps you've taken so far to heal. Healing is not easy, dealing with these issues is really difficult. Lots of people just bury it all away, block it out, because it's too painful to do what you're doing.

 

What I'm trying to say, is that it IS a day-by-day journey, and I don't know if there is a 'action plan'. If I knew, I'd absolutely tell you! I wish one existed. But I think you're on the right path, and as long as you continue to do this self examination, you won't have a "****ed-up life" and you won't be alone.

 

I've been to two Al-Anon meetings. My mom went weekly for about 6 months and it was really helpful for her. Both meetings I went to were mainly spouses, and I know it would be better for me to be with other adult children. Al-Anon is something people need to explore at their own pace, I think. The literature is helpful, and it's also a totally different experience, unlike anything I'd ever experienced- to get such unconditional, honest, unbiased support from a room full of complete strangers.

 

What was most surprising for me, was how much I cried uncontrollably in my first meeting. I thought that I was only angry at my father, and I hadn't expected that instead I'd cry. I also had an experience in an Al-Anon meeting that made me pretty angry. One woman told me that I shouldn't be angry at my father because alcoholism is a disease like cancer. I can't even explain how angry that made me. I have every right to be angry with him- beyond his drinking. It's not like he's been the perfect father my entire life and then just has this one problem.

 

Anyway, I've also read more books about all of these issues than I care to admit. And for me, reading about it is helpful. One in particular is called Women Who Love Too Much. My current therapist suggested I read about emotionally unavailable men, in which I learned my father is a sociopath. That turned on lots of lightbulbs and helped me make sense of a lot of things. Now I'm reading a book called Women who love Sociopaths. I've read about self-compassion, recovering from being heartbroken. My mom has really found a lot of help from the Al-Anon book. I can't remember which book it was, but one I read talked a lot about self-parenting. It's important, but I agree it's hard to understand.

 

Self-parenting is about identifying the "little you"- your inner child. Your inner child is the part of you that is often scared and hurt, and your outer child reacts by protecting the inner child. So your outer child gets angry to defend your inner child. Self-parenting is about protecting the inner child so the outer child can become an adult.

 

For example, a woman at work is rude to you somehow- maybe she makes a snide comment about your weight, or the fact that you're single. Your inner child is really hurt by this and offended. Your reaction may be to insult her right back, but instead, you're supposed to have an internal conversation with yourself- the way that you would comfort your own son or daughter. Generally it's about learning to be nice to ourselves, comforting ourselves the way our parents never did. Parents are supposed to teach children how to comfort themselves to cope with anything difficult in life. Our parents didn't have good coping skills- because their parents didn't either- so they didn't teach us good coping skills. So we as adults are a little lost.

[candie13]

AMJ, I feel like giving you a BIG hug ! My first Al Anon meeting - I cried and cried and cried. I never thought I could cry so much in front of strangers. It was like hearing myself from the mouth of 4 other people and hearing my mom from the mouth of 2 others.

 

I've had some lightbulb moments these days, I'll respond properly soon. Just a big thank you for taking the time to write that wonderful post !

[AMJ]

And as ironic as this is, while I was writing this my dad was out drinking all day. He relapsed within a month and a half, just like I predicted. I guess the good news is, my mom wants to leave him again. Hopefully she won't change her mind. I told my therapist, I'm not sure how ****ed up this is, or which outcome I was supposed to root for. The truth is they have never- ever- had a happy marriage. It probably sounds strange to want your parents to separate but not when you've seen them so miserable together their entire lives. Was I supposed to root for my dad to stay sober, so he and my mom could continue to have a miserable life together? Or am I supposed to root for him to drink again, so he can just continue to be miserable on his own and she can figure out how to move on, enjoy the few years of life she has left?

[candie13]

Girl, i was 11 or 12 and dad had had am affair. Was physically abusive towards mom & yes, alcohol & brusing was involved. Mom asked me if I thought she should leave my dad... And you know what? The alcohol of my dad transformed her in this horrible screaming controlling woman that was scaring me. She was physically abusive with us younger and I feared being stuck with her, without my dad... Can you believe that? And what really really scared me to death was me having to be with her and support her as a single & bitter woman, when she was old. So i told her to stay. The only thing i wanted was to grow up and leave that place as soon as possible !

 

Imagine the guilt trips...

 

AMJ... It is not because a man doesnt drink that he stops being an alcoholic. Do you understand?

[candie13]

And as ironic as this is, while I was writing this my dad was out drinking all day. He relapsed within a month and a half, just like I predicted. I guess the good news is, my mom wants to leave him again. Hopefully she won't change her mind. I told my therapist, I'm not sure how ****ed up this is, or which outcome I was supposed to root for. The truth is they have never- ever- had a happy marriage. It probably sounds strange to want your parents to separate but not when you've seen them so miserable together their entire lives. Was I supposed to root for my dad to stay sober, so he and my mom could continue to have a miserable life together? Or am I supposed to root for him to drink again, so he can just continue to be miserable on his own and she can figure out how to move on, enjoy the few years of life she has left?

 

What i have learnt, AMJ, is that we need to let our parents solve their own problems. They are The adults, you are The child. You can give advice to your mom & support her, but you cannot fix her problems or her RS with your dad.

 

Urge your dad to go to The AA. It is very very hard not to relapse. My dad stopped The heavy drinking 12 years ago. But he still gets very drunk a few times a year. He still consumes alcohol. One never ever heals from this.

[candie13]

If you want to, you can make them both see a therapist specialized in addiction / Co dependency. But you can't go at their place.

 

See... It is their marriage. i think that by getting too involved, you parent your parents instead of treating them like adults. Your mom goes to Al Anon. She knows. She is able to décide for herself. If you want to get better, please do not act according to your pattern.

 

I Will take The Time to write a proper response to your first post.

 

Take care, girl !

Edited January 24, 2016 by candie13

[AMJ]

My dad also had an affair when I was 12. They separated for two years and then he came crawling back. She stayed with him, and I can say that they've had some happy times since then (that was 20 years ago) but are not and have never been happy together. He wasn't an alcoholic then but he was a really difficult person to live with. Something will set him off and he'd throw a huge fit, breaking things, screaming at all of us..sometimes I'd dare him to hit me because it felt like I was getting my ass kicked already, and I felt like I'd rather just get hit than yelled at with so much hate. He is just full of hate and anger. We live in a small town with not many restaurants but he's been kicked out of at least half of them for angry outbursts that were, to say the least, humiliating for me. He's even went back to one restaurant years after being kicked out to apologize to the waitress who he yelled at. She told him- nope, you still can't come back in, *******. Her dad owns the place. Anyway that's just the type of person he is- who gets kicked out of restaurants for yelling at waitresses at 60 years old? He'd throw computers across the room, smash fax machines with a hammer or his fist, punch holes in walls.

 

When I turned 18 I went as far away as possible to go to college. I've kept a relationship with my family but never really let myself get too involved with my parent's issues. I thought I could have my own life, a better life, be successful, hopefully take care of my mom financially so she didn't have to live with his abuse any more. I struggled after college to find a good job, since I am in the line of work that wants to help people, contribute to society and therefore not earn a large salary. I was able to support myself, living with roommates in crappy apartments, but I've been living paycheck to paycheck since I was 18. I worked while I was in college and needed to take out student loans. Anyway then the stock market crashed in 2008, and I was laid off. There literally were no jobs to even apply for, and I decided to go to graduate school. I took out more student loans to pay for that.

 

It took me a while to realize that I was trying to live this life, like my peers, that was honestly just beyond my reach. It was hard for me to accept that I will need to work so much harder than everyone else to have the things they have, the lifestyle they have. I've gotten better at letting go of the resentment and jealousy I'd feel towards all the people who just had it easier- their parents buy them houses, pay for their college tuition, pay their rent while they are looking for the perfect job, help them get jobs, or GIVE them jobs at their parent's companies, pay for their travel to amazing places that I wanted to see but could never afford to go to- all of this help that my peers received, that was nonexistent for me, was always a source of childish anger in me. The sad reality is, I've always tried to compete with these people, and I've always fallen short. I've simply just tried to do too much, and it's hurt my self esteem. I can't have all the things they have, and it's a good feeling to just accept that.

 

I graduated five years ago and am still struggling financially. My mom cannot support herself on her own, and it is killing me to watch her suffer from my dad's abuse. How many times can you watch your own mother have a complete mental breakdown, cry and cry and cry for days on end, and just walk away without trying to help?

 

 

I tried to live my own life for years, and I haven't been successful. I thought, something needs to change, now I need to help her. Maybe helping her will help me help myself. Maybe part of my healing will come from helping her have a more peaceful life.

Edited January 25, 2016 by AMJ

[MrDuck]

For example, a woman at work is rude to you somehow- maybe she makes a snide comment about your weight, or the fact that you're single. Your inner child is really hurt by this and offended. Your reaction may be to insult her right back, but instead, you're supposed to have an internal conversation with yourself- the way that you would comfort your own son or daughter. Generally it's about learning to be nice to ourselves, comforting ourselves the way our parents never did.

You know OP I only clicked on you out of a little interest as I am the son of a man who drank. I was thinking I'd just read and run because I didn't think i'd have anything useful to say.

 

Bottom line is my childhood wasn't the worlds greatest, we lived in a leaky caravan & my dad did drink, and drink mad him bad tempered & yeah, violent too. But I did have the worlds worst childhood either, I had a ton of freedom, which meant I grew up very independent. There's good ways and bad ways to teach your kids any positive qualities, I would never advocate my fathers parenting but as an adult I think I'm resilient, I have a thick skin, and I'm a fighter - I don't know when I'm beat!! They're qualities I've relied on up till now in my life so I'm pleased to have them.

It's not really something that I talk about, now, or especially as a kid/teen, partly because I used to be somewhat embarrassed of him (but I'm not anymore, the way he chooses to live his life Is on him), but mostly because it's always been something that effects other people (or at least other peoples perception of me) more than it's ever effected me! I don't like people forming preconceptions or attributing any of how I live my life to him, and I especially don't want anyone's sympathy!

 

I think because its still something that people stereotype very much (and god I hate to be stereotyped ). I think I always believe that it never affected me. Sure I have he odd quirk (but who doesn't), but certainly not emotionally effected.

Probably because i'm guilty of buying into the same stereotype I hate. I think people look for the poor waife in the corner who never says a word, crys constantly and sports a black eye. I think that's often the person people try to help as well. But that wasn't me, I was loud, Mr happy-go-lucky class clown, captain of the sports teams. So people see what they expect to see, so no one ever saw me as a victim and I've never seen myself as one either.

 

Which is why I never intended to comment on your thread.

But none of that meant that I didn't used to climb in through the back window if I knew my dad had been drinking else he'd of swung for me. Sure as I got older I got quicker, and drink made him slow, so he tended to miss anyway, but that doesn't erase intent.

I guess the fact that it was just me and dad, I have younger half brothers but back in those days I never used to see them so I only had to look after myself, I had no one else to protect. Nevertheless, It wasn't a great environment to grow up in and if i'd stayed he'd of dragged me right down into the gutter in the end, but I didn't stay I changed it up, I bought a one-way-ticket at 16 and I never looked back. I guess that was my way of breaking the cycle. I thought maybe I could sell coconuts on the beach and live the good life. It could of very easily been a disaster but lady luck was kind to me. I met a girl and we volunteered our way around the whole world, I worked on some amazing projects with some amazing people and it opened my mind and my heart in a big way.

We we're brilliant friends me and her but not a good a couple and we'd never of worked long term. Still when she told me she was pregnant, I told her I'd raise him (because I've never been afraid to dive head first into something without a plan and mostly because that was my kid and no kid of mine would ever ever feel like they weren't wanted!

I was 17, with a new born, on my own, still travelling for the first two years till I got a job on a game reserve in Africa and worked there till I came back home, and I didn't. have. a. clue! I just made it up as I went along (but I lucked out majorly cause he happens to be the best kid in the world ).

 

That's where the quoted paragraph struck home (why I wrote all this). I knew I wanted my son to be a better man, than my dad, and than me, and I knew that "do as I say, not as I do" is BS, that doesn't work. So I realised the only way to give him the chance in life that he deserved was to be the dad that he deserved. I had to grow up and be the man that I wanted my son to be.

I would never of dreamed of parenting myself, but truth is, I didn't grow up and learn to be a man I proud of, until I had to teach my son to be that man.

It comes natural, since I've been looking at it though my sons eyes. I always knew that he's taught me every bit as much as he I taught him, but I hadn't really thought of it through a self-parenting perspective before. So I don't really know how helpful me saying any of that is but reading the above really made me think and as self help techniques go I think that that's probably a pretty good one!

[AMJ]

MrDuck, your story is incredible- thanks for sharing. Bless you for being such a good father to your son. I know most children of alcoholics or abusive parents do not like to think of themselves as victims, because we're fighters by nature- always striving to survive, to get ahead. Being a victim is allowing yourself to be weak, and the weak don't survive.

 

I think part of healing though, is not really thinking of yourself as a victim, but thinking about the ways that you were mistreated, so that you can learn to heal that pain. I personally believe doing so is a sign of strength, because it's not an easy thing to do. And the only reason I go through the self-healing and self-examination process is to heal and hopefully someday give my own children a better life, be a better person.

[MrDuck]

MrDuck, your story is incredible- thanks for sharing. Bless you for being such a good father to your son. I know most children of alcoholics or abusive parents do not like to think of themselves as victims, because we're fighters by nature- always striving to survive, to get ahead. Being a victim is allowing yourself to be weak, and the weak don't survive.

 

I think part of healing though, is not really thinking of yourself as a victim, but thinking about the ways that you were mistreated, so that you can learn to heal that pain. I personally believe doing so is a sign of strength, because it's not an easy thing to do. And the only reason I go through the self-healing and self-examination process is to heal and hopefully someday give my own children a better life, be a better person.

 

 

Hey everyone's story's incredible. We all have our own challenges, no? I have a tattoo on my pec that says "Superman's busy" ..everyone has there path to walk, you have to be your own hero.

 

 

Yep very true, fight a little bit harder, get a little bit quicker, smarter, don't show them your hurt, don't quit.

 

 

True. I do see the sense in that. I see people that get caught in a cycle of abuse, of alcohol, of the same mistakes. I guess having my son saved me because I couldn't look to my dad for parenting tips so I had to look at what mistakes he made. It made me confront what kind of parent I didn't want to be.

I'm sure I make mistakes all the time, but at least they're different mistakes