After 4 long years...

[insidemymind02]

I have been reading here for a while, so many stories similar to mine, and I find myself in a place where I need to have the strength to be able to keep putting one foot in front of the other the next several days/weeks/months.

 

A little back story, I will try to keep it brief. My story is not that different from many of the others here. Our started 4 years ago by becoming friends, it developed into more, I knew he was married and worked my hardest to withhold but our EA became physical. I knew that it wasn't right and we only had limited physical exchanges, but I was sucked in to the situation. Move forward to a mini DDay where his wife is tipped of by someone that something is going on. I tell him that I was out, since it was painfully obvious that he was choosing her, and that he did not need to connect with me anymore and work on his family. That worked for about 6 weeks and then he sent me a text message and I ignored it. Later that afternoon his wife contacted me about what went on between us and I took the path of least resistance and downplayed the entire event. Never heard back from her and didn't here from him for several months.

 

Fast forward a year later and he contacts me on LinkedIn, his wife saw that conversation and the **** hit the fan again and that she might contact me again. At this point he says he is looking at getting a divorce and can he come stay with me. I was in shock at thinking she might contact me and said to him did he really think that was the smartest thing to do, to move in with the woman your wife is suspicious of? After that exchange we didn't talk for several months and then he would show up on some other social media outlet that he had not been on and was now on. Repeat that several times over the past 2-3 years. Each time how much he cared about me and missed me, etc. It was so easy for me to get sucked up in the words each time, but then his true character would come back out and I would stop communicating with him again. I think I did NC 6 times with him that lasted around 4-5 months each.

 

This past week, he contacted me on a new email that I have for work and it caught me off guard, once again. The conversation last night got really real on my part and my hope is that it is the final time I hear from him. He brought up once again how much he wants to be friends, how missed I am, and would I just give him one more chance to be his friend. I said in not so nice terms that I was done with the bull**** and that while it was great that everything worked out for him, and I wanted to be happy that everything worked out, in reality I wasn't. I also told him that the heartbreak hit me like a slap in the face with I lied about there being something between us, when I thought there was. His response to this didn't surprise me, he never intended to hurt me, how much he cares about me, etc. and do I think it would be best if we went our separate ways, have it be out of sight out of mind. I told him this was what I wanted. He questioned is and I just didn't respond.

 

That was the end of the conversation and I have been sucked into the crazy place since that time. I was hoping that being able to get it out will help, and for those of you still with me, I appreciate that. I just know that it is going to be hard the next few days. I deleted the text that he sent me, put him back on block on all of my emails that I can. But he always seems to find a new way in...

 

I go back and forth between so sad, so angry and want to blow the lid off of it and put a billboard up that he is a cheater and liar, pray for him because he is obviously in need of the lords work, and wanting him the be hurting the way I am....

 

Wow....just a little bit of verbal vomit but it helped to get it out to someone.

[Satu]

The truth is that he's not in a very good state, mentally and emotionally.

 

He's dysfunctional and toxic.

 

I think he wanted to use you as a lifeboat that he could jump into from his sinking marriage. I'm glad that you are too self-aware to allow it.

 

Feel your feelings, and express them, and they will stabilise.

 

One thing I must say though:

 

People like him never voluntarily remove themselves from your life.

The have to be forcibly ejected.

 

 

 

Take care.

[insidemymind02]

Thanks Satu

 

Those are the same words that I have used to describe him. His entire situation supports the low self-esteem, and mental and emotional issues. But he chooses to keep himself in that situation...which again speaks of his issues.

 

I just hope I was forceful enough. My fear is that this still isn't over.

[Satu]

Thanks Satu

 

Those are the same words that I have used to describe him. His entire situation supports the low self-esteem, and mental and emotional issues. But he chooses to keep himself in that situation...which again speaks of his issues.

 

I just hope I was forceful enough. *My fear is that this still isn't over.

 

*That depends on you.

 

You're obviously very intelligent and self-aware, so it is within your capabilities.

[insidemymind02]

*That depends on you.

 

You're obviously very intelligent and self-aware, so it is within your capabilities.

 

 

I get this. I know that I have to be the one that once and for all has it all end. Obviously, at this point, I have more strength and security than he does. Just amazed me that he kept coming back to be rejected for 3 years now.

 

thanks

[Satu]

*That depends on you.

 

You're obviously very intelligent and self-aware, so it is within your capabilities.

 

 

I get this. I know that I have to be the one that once and for all has it all end. Obviously, at this point, I have more strength and security than he does. Just amazed me that he kept coming back to be rejected for 3 years now.

 

thanks

 

In a sense its true to say that people do what they do because they know how to do it.

 

He knows how to behave in a way that brings rejection as its consequence, so thats what he does, and thats what he gets.

 

He's not doing it consciously or deliberately, its just the way his subconscious steers him.

 

He'll more than likely never become aware of the way he brings himself to the point of rejection, and will most likely never move beyond it.

 

That might sound harsh, but breaking out of these self-defeating behaviour patterns takes work and commitment.

 

"The truth will set you free."

 

The truth that sets us free, is the truth about ourselves.

 

Not everyone wants to walk that path...

[lemondrop21]

Reading your story was painful. This man has inserted himself into your life and brought pain time and time again. I'm so sorry.

 

However, I can also tell you're incredibly strong. You've resisted him before. You've gone NC on him for months on end, multiple times. That is truly impressive. I know you get sucked in initially, but then you tell it to him in no uncertain terms and get right back on the wagon. Brava! Based on your past experiences I know you'll be able to do it again this time.

 

That said, please feel free to post here when you need to, always nice to have new company.

 

Also, am I reading correctly that he's not even asking to be with you, but rather, to be your "friend??" I don't usually advocate this but at this point I would forward any emails/texts to his wife or at least tell him you're going to do so if he contacts you again. You sound fed up. I would be, too. This man clearly isn't able to help himself and may need to hit total rock bottom in order to get the wake-up call he needs.

Edited January 23, 2016 by lemondrop21

[brothers343]

Your in mental and physical hell. Your letting this man keep you in his inner circle and once you leave that circle your kind of free but you come back and your trapped again. He doesn't respect you...if he would he will set you free. It's hard becouse you have given this man 4 years of your life but in a sense you have wasted 4 years. Emagine the possibilities if you were free and you were to have those 4 years again. It's never to late to start. Good luck.

[insidemymind02]

Reading your story was painful because this man has inserted himself into your life and brought pain time and time again.

 

However, I can also tell you're incredibly strong. You've resisted him before. You've gone NC on him for months on end, multiple times. That is truly impressive. I know you get sucked in initially but then you tell it to him in no uncertain terms and get right back on the wagon. Brava! Based on your past experiences I know you'll be able to do it again this time.

 

That said, please feel free to post here when you need to, always nice to have new company.

 

Also, one quick thought - why on earth does he think that you'll take him back time and time again when he's still in the marriage? After this many years it's clear he's never getting out, although I wouldn't be surprised if his wife throws him out at some stage. What an ego.

 

 

Lemon

 

Thank you for your positive words. It is crazy that after all of this time it still hurts. Last night was very different because instead of me just not contacting him in stated do you want to just go our separate ways, which is the first time he has said something like that.

I wish I knew why he thinks I will take him back. He has made it painfully clear that he is not leaving, nor can he afford to leave with his salary and the prenup that she had him sign which means he is pretty much indebted to her for almost everything.... that continues to add more to how broken this man really is! I had some good cries, wrote in the journal and wrote a new #1 at the top so that I can start my count all over again.

 

I am so ready to be done with him and at one point was going to give an ultimatum that if he contacted me again I was going to contact his wife, who in a strange world of fate has one of her medical offices across the street from where my father lives. MM does not know that little tidbit of information. I want to say something to her as his behavior continued, but I also want to be done with this and that would start it up all over again and I am, for the most part, past the guilt and don't want to have deal with that and the shame again.

 

Thanks lemon for the welcome. It just helps to read the other advise given and to be able to share my story with "people"

[insidemymind02]

Brothers

 

Hell is a great word and I think about it being that constantly. I go several months without him in my life and without thinking of him and then he shows up and the cycle starts all over again. He just wants to feel some sort of validation and I give it to him. I am amazed that even with blocking every contact, he finds ways to reach out to me.

 

I am working on reclaiming my life, for more than a few months, but for every happy minute of it.

[Popsicle]

You ended it and told him that you have someone else and when he asked, told him that it's best that you go your separate ways for good. That was good, ending it for good is for the best. Just keep it that way and you'll be alright eventually.

[insidemymind02]

Popsicle

 

He was the one that said let's go our separate ways and I just agreed and then discontinued the conversation. I don't want him knowing anything about my life. I just want this to be the final ending. It's gone on long enough....

 

thanks

[Popsicle]

Popsicle

 

He was the one that said let's go our separate ways and I just agreed and then discontinued the conversation. I don't want him knowing anything about my life. I just want this to be the final ending. It's gone on long enough....

 

thanks

 

Sorry I misread a few things, I guess.

 

Now that I reread, I don't know, I think he might contact you again. I'm sorry.

 

I think if you tell him that you're seeing someone else, that might work though.

[sandylee1]

I agree with LD. Tell him if he contacts you again..his wife will know about it.

 

The prenup .... sounds like an excuse..unless she's the one with the cash and he gets little if he leaves. She's a smart woman if that's the case.

 

He just wants sympathy. Tell him to get lost and leave you out of his messed up life. His wife doesn't sound like a woman to mess with.

[insidemymind02]

I agree with LD. Tell him if he contacts you again..his wife will know about it.

 

The prenup .... sounds like an excuse..unless she's the one with the cash and he gets little if he leaves. She's a smart woman if that's the case.

 

He just wants sympathy. Tell him to get lost and leave you out of his messed up life. His wife doesn't sound like a woman to mess with.

 

Sandylee

 

She is the smart one and the one with the money prior to the marriage and he gets pretty much nothing, may have to pay for college that she paid for, if he leaves. Add the 2 little ones into the mix and he isn't going anywhere unless she forces the issue. I don't want to mess with the wife, which is why I have thought about telling him I will contact his wife if he does again, but I don't want to be a part of it since I don't want her to come after me 4 years later. I will own my part of the initial situation, but not for the 3 years after that where I have pretty much been NC.

 

He needs to man up and walk away from me and just live the life he chose, which I have told him many times.

[Satu]

snip

 

Sandylee

He needs to man up and walk away from me and just live the life he chose, which I have told him many times.

 

He will never choose to exit your life voluntarily. He may contact you less frequently, but he'll never choose to permanently cut contact with you.

 

He needs to know that he still has the option of contacting you at some point, as a way of coping with the inner and outer chaos that his life consists of.

 

You are the big red button with 'emergency' printed on it.

[Red123]

Sandylee

 

She is the smart one and the one with the money prior to the marriage and he gets pretty much nothing, may have to pay for college that she paid for, if he leaves. Add the 2 little ones into the mix and he isn't going anywhere unless she forces the issue. I don't want to mess with the wife, which is why I have thought about telling him I will contact his wife if he does again, but I don't want to be a part of it since I don't want her to come after me 4 years later. I will own my part of the initial situation, but not for the 3 years after that where I have pretty much been NC.

 

He needs to man up and walk away from me and just live the life he chose, which I have told him many times.

 

Some of us don't ever go after the OW. I can say I don't like her or rather dispise her but I put the blame on my H for his A. I struggled with her attempting contact but I never went after her. I'm not a teenage girl and I would have felt that way if I did. She may surprise you. If he won't leave you alone I would threaten him with it. The MOW in my situation didn't stop attempting contact until my H threatened to contact her H with proof of the A. We haven't heard from her since April 2014.

[insidemymind02]

snip

 

 

 

He will never choose to exit your life voluntarily. He may contact you less frequently, but he'll never choose to permanently cut contact with you.

 

He needs to know that he still has the option of contacting you at some point, as a way of coping with the inner and outer chaos that his life consists of.

 

You are the big red button with 'emergency' printed on it.

 

Well that just SUCKS!

[Marc878]

Your his plan B if the wife kicks him out.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Some of us don't ever go after the OW. I can say I don't like her or rather dispise her but I put the blame on my H for his A. I struggled with her attempting contact but I never went after her. I'm not a teenage girl and I would have felt that way if I did. She may surprise you. If he won't leave you alone I would threaten him with it. The MOW in my situation didn't stop attempting contact until my H threatened to contact her H with proof of the A. We haven't heard from her since April 2014.

 

I agree. I did call the OW but only because my H had misled her that I had a boyfriend. I said there is a guy but he is married, believe me he is no boyfriend. H picked someone 15 years younger in her 20s - single - and I only feel sorry for her. At my age, I got what I asked for with MM but in your 20s, you should be out dating single guys, not MM in their 40s. As for MM's wife, she did call my H and they talked but she never called me. We had met years ago, I was sure she would contact me, MM in fact said she would come after me, but she hasn't so far. Most wives are aware their husbands are no victims (thought they act like one)

[insidemymind02]

Reading your story was painful. This man has inserted himself into your life and brought pain time and time again. I'm so sorry.

 

However, I can also tell you're incredibly strong. You've resisted him before. You've gone NC on him for months on end, multiple times. That is truly impressive. I know you get sucked in initially, but then you tell it to him in no uncertain terms and get right back on the wagon. Brava! Based on your past experiences I know you'll be able to do it again this time.

 

That said, please feel free to post here when you need to, always nice to have new company.

 

Also, am I reading correctly that he's not even asking to be with you, but rather, to be your "friend??" I don't usually advocate this but at this point I would forward any emails/texts to his wife or at least tell him you're going to do so if he contacts you again. You sound fed up. I would be, too. This man clearly isn't able to help himself and may need to hit total rock bottom in order to get the wake-up call he needs.

 

That is correct. He thinks after all of this that he can still call me one of his best and closest friends that he has. All that I see are red warning lights that are saying thank goodness you got out when you did!!!

[insidemymind02]

Your his plan B if the wife kicks him out.

 

Maybe in his mind, but I am done and don't want to be with someone now that I take a step back and look at it see how many issues he has.

 

Why do that?? He fought so hard to save the marriage and he still needs a back up plan?

[insidemymind02]

Midnight thank you for sharing. I feel like this last time is it for me. Next time she gets some proof. I don't have a lot since I deleted it all as a part of my cleansing process, but I did save this last text conversation.

 

If only there was a way that I knew he was with someone else and they could do the dirty work instead....lol

[insidemymind02]

I guess the good thing about all of this is that each time it gets a little easier. I spent about 14 hours a mess, did some writing and reflecting, and am starting to feel better. I just wish that I can get my mind to stop playing on the mind games that it does. I seem to create all these situations to justify the feelings that I want him to have. I want his coworkers to ask him what is the matter, why he is in such a mood. I want him to be hurting just as much as I do. I guess that is only natural.

[insidemymind02]

I get so frustrated with the emotions that seem to just pop up and slap you in the face. I sit here and feel such an overwhelming sense of hurt and rejection, even though I know when it ended it was the best thing for me. I think what is so difficult about xMM showing up again and agin is that it opens up the emotions each time. I don't want to be with him and I want to live a life that is happy and healthy, but his reappearance just brings back all of the negative thoughts. My mind goes back to is he thinking about me, is he miserable, I want him to be miserable, why was I not enough, maybe we can just be friends and it still work.

 

This is the part that I hate about all of this. I know the answers to all of those questions, but my mind is just working overtime this afternoon. I want to just blow up his "happy" little world, but that is more to make me feel good and hurt him.

 

Hopefully he will take me at my word about contacting his wife and this will be at the last time. This cycle is killing me!