Reclaiming the present, building something new

[Sunyata]

Some of this may sound way too cerebral.

 

I've been looking down at my hand lately, moving it into a fist, and back into an open hand. I feel like this simple movement can change your life. You can direct your will against the strong current of your habits and conditioned psychology. The power to do something else anyway, so to speak.

 

I want to put that to use in working out and putting some muscle on. It would also help me tap into my masculinity which I have kept deeply depressed. I'm 30 and have had so much disappointment and isolation. I am alone on a Saturday night and might go for a walk, but other than that, have nothing to do. I am just starting to make some new friends after cutting off all my nasty friends two years ago. I was sort of the punching bag, though I also sort of asked for it with my energy.

 

Somehow in the past few weeks I've gotten more in tune with tapping into the softness of my emotional body, and letting that expand to recognize the same experiences in others. That my drama and suffering is rarely mine alone. When you remove thoughts and concepts from your suffering, it really becomes almost enjoyable... at least compared to how it was. But this is hardly a major movement I'm fully settled in. I don't know how long it will take for me to integrate it more and feel it more regularly. I wish sitting alone on the floor meditating could make it all happen instantly.

 

So anyway, thinking of buying a stability ball and some weights, but will probably just do nothing instead. So I will get older and regret whatever pointless way I chose to use my days in the very nice living situation I am currently in, still having a slight feeling of youth. Or I dunno.

 

Does what I'm saying resonate with anyone or is it fully self involved?

Edited January 24, 2016 by Sunyata

[Buddhist]

So anyway, thinking of buying a stability ball and some weights, but will probably just do nothing instead. So I will get older and regret whatever pointless way I chose to use my days in the very nice living situation I am currently in, still having a slight feeling of youth. Or I dunno.

 

Does what I'm saying resonate with anyone or is it fully self involved?

 

Well if you're recognising that you have this tendency to give up on yourself, you're 75% cured of it. Recognising the problem is most of the work in overcoming it. I'm 43 and am only just starting to live in a real way. You can gain that sense of vitality at any age, life doesn't pass us by. We too often ignore it and continue on brain dead.