Privatelover01 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Do you stay in a 20+ year marriage because of kids, fear of disrupting the household, of losing friends, of being "that guy" or do you stay, suck it up and never feel true intimacy and happiness ? I weigh the pros and cons of both and I wonder does a person do what's best for the kids or best for themselves ? So hard to find the right conclusion. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 change only occurs when the misery of staying outweighs the fears and upheaval of leaving. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 (edited) Do you stay in a 20+ year marriage because of kids, fear of disrupting the household, of losing friends, of being "that guy" or do you stay, suck it up and never feel true intimacy and happiness ? I weigh the pros and cons of both and I wonder does a person do what's best for the kids or best for themselves ? So hard to find the right conclusion. What's wrong with the marriage? How long has this been going on? You just both lost interest? Or just 1 lost interest? Has there been any attempt at marital counseling? I assume no physical abuse is going on. Are there arguments and fights? How old is the youngest kid? This shouldn't be a happy condition for her or you. Both of you should want to fix it and should try to fix it. If you approach it that way, the answer will eventually become apparent. Approach it this way: I want us to go to a marital counselor and try to fix this. The possible outcomes are: - One party refuses to even try to fix it, and that becomes the basis for leaving. - You both try to fix it, and you fix it. - You both try to fix it, but can't. However, in the course of trying to fix it, it becomes apparent which person is standing in the way of it being fixed and that becomes the basis for leaving. - You both try to fix it, and you don't really succeed, but you don't uncover anything that would prevent it from being fixed, in which case, we've been trying to fix this for X years, becomes the basis for leaving. In every single outcome, you did everything you could to make it work. You aren't "that guy" (whatever that means?) in any of these outcomes. I mean, the way you set it up is perfect, choosing between the following, would be a real dilemma: -Staying without trying to fix it is not a good choice. -Leaving without trying to fix it is not a good choice. So, try to fix it. Either you'll fix it or you wont, but either way: -Trying to fix it and succeeding is a good choice. -Leaving after you've done everything you possibly can to fix it, but failed, is a good choice. . Edited January 24, 2016 by testmeasure Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Do you stay in a 20+ year marriage because of kids, fear of disrupting the household, of losing friends, of being "that guy" or do you stay, suck it up and never feel true intimacy and happiness ? I weigh the pros and cons of both and I wonder does a person do what's best for the kids or best for themselves ? So hard to find the right conclusion. I'm confused. Are you asking about this for your own situation or are you wondering if your MM that you are having the affair with will leave his family? Are you married with kids as well or are you trying to predict what MM will do? Link to post Share on other sites
Brady375 Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 You have kids. Remember that marriage is a life long thing and in a time frame that Big and Vast there will be periods; sometimes long periods of problems. Your post is vague but what I can say is "successful people don't make the right choices they make their choices right." Now idk your exact situation but if there is no cheating or substance abuse I say get creative. Find something to do together hobby wise. I know it sounds dumb but my marriage would of ended years ago. I had little urge to make an Effort but I was married so I found a gym to join and go to together and Endure workouts together and it kept us together longer. If you leave and it's simply cus of a lack of passion or things of that nature the same thing will surely come and go w a new chick. Sure you can trade your relationship in every time it goes through long sour patches but that may mean your not marriage type. Unfortunately u have kids so your commitment goes beyond you. Again I don't know your circumstances or what you may have suffered through I'm just posing questions you may need to ask yourself. I think people sometimes get out of thei first marriage looking for more and wind up in a 2nd to encounter different problems equally as challenging. Some of the second marriages survive cus maybe people realize or accept its what you make it. Idk. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Make the decision for him and break up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 I'm confused. Are you asking about this for your own situation or are you wondering if your MM that you are having the affair with will leave his family? Are you married with kids as well or are you trying to predict what MM will do? Since she's mentioned dating after the end of the affair, I'd guess she's projecting on to her MM... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Do you stay in a 20+ year marriage because of kids, fear of disrupting the household, of losing friends, of being "that guy" or do you stay, suck it up and never feel true intimacy and happiness ? I'd guess many people stay for just those reasons. It takes a special combination of exasperation and bravery to leave a 20-year marriage... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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