How do i become happy being alone again?

[MistaYates]

Ever since i got into 2 bad relationships im constantly out and about to where i tire myself out. I feel like i miss out, i feel like my exs are out having fun while im home. How do i become happy again being alone?

[soph-walker]

You cannot rely on people, objects or jobs to make you happy.

 

You are responsible for your happiness in life.

 

Relying on a relationship to make you happy in life is not healthy. A relationship alone should enrich your life, you should be great partners and overlap each other..but essentially it's important to remember that you have the ability to be your own best friend.

 

Spend time enjoying things you love doing. Focus on here and now, not what is in the future. The here and now is what shapes our future.

[Satu]

Ever since i got into 2 bad relationships im constantly out and about to where i tire myself out. I feel like i miss out, i feel like my exs are out having fun while im home. How do i become happy again being alone?

 

Pursue your interests. Do new things. Learn new things. Connect with the people around you; spend time on them, and with them.

 

You are in a situation where a huge number of possibilities are open to you. See the opportunities before you, and make some choices.

 

 

Take care.

[ScienceGal]

I was just thinking yesterday about how much I prefer to be in a relationship. I miss the companionship and the emotional/physical intimacy. But, I am happy on my own, in the sense that I would rather be alone than with the wrong partner (lord knows I've done that enough). So, I have to embrace it and have faith that I will meet a great guy if I keep loving myself and doing the things I enjoy.

 

Hang in there.

[smudge21]

You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else, otherwise you link your happiness to that one person, and run the risk of always thinking you can't live without them, or without anyone in your life.

 

Don't think that your ex's are out living a great life, they're probably just out living, good and bad, same as you are. Try to find and do what makes you happy or at the very least puts a smile on your face. Only think of yourself and look at this time as a chance to do whatever the flip you want to do. It's your life, live it.

[candie13]

I think finding yourself all of a sudden, alone, is traumatic. Not just The loss of love & emotion but the loss of connection is horrible. I feel for you, OP.

 

While there is truth in the fact that you can make yourself happy and that you need to cultivate this ability of being happy yourself, I think you cannot achieve this by yourself. It just doesn't drop out if Heaven, like that. Fear of loneliness, anxiety are normal after a RS ends, especially if we did integrate the connection with our partner deep in our life.

 

I am looking at being single from the lense of our basic human need of feeling connected, feeling significant, feeling accepted / understood / loved. You just cannot get there by yourself, all of a sudden, only because you put your mind to it.

 

To me, the answer lies in our ability to understand what we need, what we really really miss. Maybe we miss companionship - so find time to revisit friends & spend time with them. Maybe we miss being understood... So we find books that talk about feeling wounded or lonely and try to intellectually rationalize our loss / pain. Maybe we just need to talk and be heard - so we may join meet ups to express ourselves... Or maybe we're not quite there yet, not ready to talk... So we just need to let the steam out - go running, or do yoga...

 

The pain is yours if you allow it to isolate you from the rest of the world. I believe in connection. Connection, communication and patience.

 

You are not alone, OP. you may feel alone, but you are not alone. Closing yourself in your own house and thinking in circles about your ex, about how they are and what they may be doing Will make go insane. Make baby steps towards the outside world and ankor yourself on yourself. Here and now. Today. Things that you enjoy doing or things that are significant to you.

 

Hope this helps !

Edited January 24, 2016 by candie13

[candie13]

Basically, it's a process and you are the project leader. It takes time, it will hurt, but you will make it, if you really want to get out of that place.

[Brapting]

This is a very good question, one that could take up pages and pages of discussion.

 

Personally, I think that there are many answers, tips and pointers. Some would work well for some people and others for other people. I myself find this kind of 'wishy-washy', vague answer frustrating, but deep down I know that it is probably closest to the truth.

 

I can admit that for a long time, I felt like I needed a relationship to be happy, but I am coming to realize that this kind of thinking has always been misguided.

 

For one, it places all the emphasis on the external. It is like saying that certain things outside of me and my control have to be in alignment for me to happy. Can you control peoples smile's? Imagine if you believed that you could only be happy if everyone that you met smiled at you. Imagine what the unpredictability and lack of consistency would do to your emotions. I feel that the antidote to this is to start small...baby steps. Maybe think what are the little things that you can control and 'do' fairly consistently that make you happy. It can be a small thing like having a cup of tea every morning, or remembering a happy moment from your past everyday.

 

Secondly, saying that a relationship will cure unhappiness is like saying I don't need to exercise or eat healthily, I can just take a diet pill. It is a quick fix that rarely works and is more likely to cause disappointment in the long run. Like being in good physical shape, happiness requires effort and investment. It is a common misconception that everyone is entitled to happiness, they are entitled to the pursuit of happiness...but this still requires them to actually be proactive and pursue it. No person or thing (like a relationship) will just come along and hand happiness to someone on a platter. Like most things in life, it comes with hard work and it will normally be valued more because of this.

 

Thirdly, assuming that you were to engage in a relationship because you thought it alone would make you happy (and I do not deny that many people do this) you have to wonder what kind of situation this would create. The responsibility for maintaining your happiness would be unintentionally dumped on the relationship and the other person. This would place a lot of pressure and strain on the relationship and I can't think of many people who would be content managing someone else's self-esteem like this. Many people find it taxing enough managing their own self-esteem, let alone someone else's! This kind of relationship can only lead to the other person either abruptly and painfully calling time and running for the hills...or staying whilst sacrificing their own needs and wants to placate the other person. And when you think about it, would you really someone to stay in a relationship with you purely because they were scared of making you unhappy?

Edited January 24, 2016 by Brapting

[candie13]

Oh, and you can't make it by yourself ! Cheers

[Brapting]

Oh, and you can't make it by yourself ! Cheers

 

Whilst I don't doubt that human contact plays an important part, it is worth remembering that everyone is different. I would argue that it is equally valid if the OP needed some alone time, or if they were the type of person who values alone time more than human contact. Neither is more valid or valued than the other. It is what fits for the OP and I think that their control and faith in this choice is one of the defining features of happiness.

 

Please don't be fooled into thinking that you need other people to help manage your emotions. It is fine to want other people's help, but you don't have to rely on them. I found CBT techniques very helpful. They might be worth a google.

Edited January 24, 2016 by Brapting

[loveweary11]

It just happened to me after a recent breakdown.

 

After several years of unhappiness, I'm finally happy alone.

 

In fact, I'm happier alone than I was in probably 50% of my happy marriage.

 

There is something very magical and serene about being alone once you get the feel for it again.

 

And you will... I didn't think I was the kind of person who could be happy alone after all the relationships and marriage taking up my whole adult life.

 

Consider this:

 

Were you happy before your first relationship in life?

 

Eventually, you will return to that feeling of self-derived happiness. It may take a while though...and it comes naturally. I found I was forcing it as people suggest on the forum, but that didn't work.

[candie13]

I think we need to individually put on The hard Work. But i stay convinced that The others - friends, acquaintances, family, people who enjoy The same things as us or go through The same things as us can help smoothen & accelerate the healing process.

 

Isolation is no 1 enemy that slows us down. We are deeply social creatures. But i understand that for men, this concept is particularly difficult to accept & put in practice. Even cbt is showing how to amend our behaviour.... when interacting with The outside world.

[RySant]

Before, I always have a problem with being "happy being alone"

 

I never had any kind of relationship whatsoever, and I thought the only way for me to achieve bliss is if I found somebody.

 

But now I guess, the Universe taught me on how to become independent first. Now, I can confidently say that I am at least "at peace" with myself by being alone. Single is so underrated in my opinion. People can't see the benefits of it. Being alone, learning from your "aloneness" can make you see a LOT of things that you won't be noticing if you are with someone else.

 

I suggest that make use of your being single right now to find who you really are as a person, what you can do on your own, and what you enjoy on your own as well. There are no permanent thing in life. People come, people go. Today, you're single. But in the future, I am pretty sure, you'll have someone else again. So focus on your singleness right now so that when you find yourself a single woman again in the near future, you won't be feeling loss and confused about who you are and where you'll go from there

[Brapting]

I think we need to individually put on The hard Work. But i stay convinced that The others - friends, acquaintances, family, people who enjoy The same things as us or go through The same things as us can help smoothen & accelerate the healing process.

 

Isolation is no 1 enemy that slows us down. We are deeply social creatures. But i understand that for men, this concept is particularly difficult to accept & put in practice. Even cbt is showing how to amend our behaviour.... when interacting with The outside world.

 

I agree, but everyone has different needs and circumstances. More introverted people find social contact quite exhausting and I am not certain of the OP's friend and family situation. Not everyone has that kind of family or those kind of friends.

 

I would argue that CBT isn't really about trying to make people more social (although it is often deployed for this purpose). It is more about examining and re-examining one's own thought processes. Indeed, the emphasis is more on the cognition rather than the behaviour.

 

I have nothing against socialising and human contact can be fun. I do have a problem with the suggestion that being extroverted and outgoing is somehow the 'right' way of being and something to aspire to. That if you are not extroverted and outgoing then you are somehow 'flawed' and need 'fixing' or 'correcting'.

Edited January 24, 2016 by Brapting

[candie13]

I have never mentioned anything about extroverts or how introverts should be fixed. You are projecting your own frustration and limiting self beliefs.

 

Break ups are the those experiences that bring almost as much pain as death of a dear one. They incapacitate people, they trigger fear, panic attacks and sometimes bring depressive épisodes. While time alone to digeste reality is crucial, isolation in those moments of vulnerability is extremely dangerous. Very.

 

I am not saying "go out & party". I am saying "in those moments of deep suffering, you feel alone and staying alone Will only enhance the loneliness and dispear". Talk. Reach out. Force yourself to express the pain. Read books about pain, read "the deeper wound".

 

I hope you mean well, but that post of yours shows fear and self judgement and judgment of the others. If you trust to talk to that friend "who is not close enough" or family member, you Will be astonished to discover just how much they care for you. And the good it does to you to reach out. Pain of loss is deeply human and it's what connects all of us. BUT you must have The Courage To Reach out FIRST. And that is scary. It implies admitting in front of someone else your vulnerability. That is what makes you uncomfortable. Read "daring greatly" by Brene Brown. We - all of us, all - are vulnerable. Now, you can't pour your heart out in front of everyone. But people who had suicidal thoughts said what stopped them was mentioning it to the others.

 

lack of connection distorts The way people percieve reality. Stay connected however way you can & feel confortable. It takes guts to admit your weakness - even in front of yourself. This is Why you need to reframe it, but by holding onto reality and not to those thoughts of dispair running wild inside your head.

 

It is that easy. Open your mouth. Share. Talk. By hearing yourself talk, you Will figure out what you need to do next.

[candie13]

Connection & running. The endorphines need to get moving ! De

[soph-walker]

Not sure if you've seen the film/read the novel 'Wild' by Cheryl Strayed.

 

If not, do so with urgency

[Brapting]

I have never mentioned anything about extroverts or how introverts should be fixed. You are projecting your own frustration and limiting self beliefs.

 

Break ups are the those experiences that bring almost as much pain as death of a dear one. They incapacitate people, they trigger fear, panic attacks and sometimes bring depressive épisodes. While time alone to digeste reality is crucial, isolation in those moments of vulnerability is extremely dangerous. Very.

 

I am not saying "go out & party". I am saying "in those moments of deep suffering, you feel alone and staying alone Will only enhance the loneliness and dispear". Talk. Reach out. Force yourself to express the pain. Read books about pain, read "the deeper wound".

 

I hope you mean well, but that post of yours shows fear and self judgement and judgment of the others. If you trust to talk to that friend "who is not close enough" or family member, you Will be astonished to discover just how much they care for you. And the good it does to you to reach out. Pain of loss is deeply human and it's what connects all of us. BUT you must have The Courage To Reach out FIRST. And that is scary. It implies admitting in front of someone else your vulnerability. That is what makes you uncomfortable. Read "daring greatly" by Brene Brown. We - all of us, all - are vulnerable. Now, you can't pour your heart out in front of everyone. But people who had suicidal thoughts said what stopped them was mentioning it to the others.

 

lack of connection distorts The way people percieve reality. Stay connected however way you can & feel confortable. It takes guts to admit your weakness - even in front of yourself. This is Why you need to reframe it, but by holding onto reality and not to those thoughts of dispair running wild inside your head.

 

It is that easy. Open your mouth. Share. Talk. By hearing yourself talk, you Will figure out what you need to do next.

 

Haha. I am only projecting my belief that deep down, people are more than capable of judging their own need for human contact at any given time. I do not pretend to psychoanalyse others and I am not the kind of person that presumes that I know what other people are thinking and feeling or what is best for them.

 

I do not think labelling people is particularly helpful as things are always on a continuum, but this does not change the fact that different things work for different people.

 

Some people put a greater reliance on other people when dealing with pain. Others are more private, self sufficient and resourceful. Neither is more 'right' or 'wrong' and I am confident that the OP is able to make their own decision with regards to this.

Edited January 24, 2016 by Brapting

[candie13]

Slamming a bunch of generalities won't do The OP any favors. If he was that resourseful & private, he wouldn't be here talking and asking for ideas to improve the quality of his life.

[candie13]

I am only projecting my belief that deep down, people are more than capable of judging their own need for human contact at any given time.

I highly disagree. When we are scared and anxious, we are not thinking properly at all, I tell you that.

 

I do not pretend to psychoanalyse others and I am not the kind of person that presumes that I know what other people are thinking and feeling or what is best for them.

I respect that.

 

I do not think labelling people is particularly helpful as things are always on a continuum, but this does not change the fact that different things work for different people

on the contrary, being specific and understanding what works for you - and not just in moments of distress, to me, that is what works best.

 

Some people put a greater reliance on other people when dealing with pain. Others are more private, self sufficient and resourceful. Neither is more 'right' or 'wrong' and I am confident that the OP is able to make their own decision with regards to this.

Well... hopefully the OP is over 18, but age doesn't mean that other your ability to make decision, you are also capable of making those decisions for yourself. One can rely of intuition, but my own experience showed me that sometimes, in order to get out of a down period, what I needed to do was counterintuitive. I'd never have thought of it. Basically, Einstein way saying that you cannot solve a problem at the same level of consciousness as at the level that that problem was created.

 

I'm not saying my way is the best way - also I do admit that my posts above might led one to believe I do, apologies about that, , I don't want to be guilty of hubris. IMHO, the way out is research and self exploration. We live in an era where we don't need to reinvent the wheel ourselves, by ourselves. There are some amazing books and amazing teachers that can provide light as to how get through this. And then, indeed, it is up to the OP - and everyone of us - to make our choices and make our way out.

[Brapting]

Slamming a bunch of generalities won't do The OP any favors. If he was that resourseful & private, he wouldn't be here talking and asking for ideas to improve the quality of his life.

 

I guess it kind of depends how you define 'connecting with others'. How often? Face to face? Superficially or deeply?

 

I hadn't really considered internet forums as 'connecting with others'. For a start, posters are anonymous and separated by a computer screen and many miles of distance. Although I can see how it could be defined as connection.

 

Personally I would 'admit to' and seek advice to things on here which I probably wouldn't consider bringing up with many people face to face. Sure, some of this may be self protection, but a large part of it is being a fairly private person. I agree with you that there is a time and a place and I am confident that I could raise something with someone if I needed to.

 

With the help of CBT and other techniques, I have found that overtime, one can accomplish a confidence and belief in one's own ability to manage one's emotions, whatever happens. Once someone has this, the world is their oyster.

[Brapting]

I highly disagree. When we are scared and anxious, we are not thinking properly at all, I tell you that...

 

...There are some amazing books and amazing teachers that can provide light as to how get through this. And then, indeed, it is up to the OP - and everyone of us - to make our choices and make our way out.

 

I don't doubt that fear and anxiety muddles one's thinking, but this is not an inability to make autonomous decisions. If this were the case, all scared and anxious people would be sectioned.

 

Often scared and anxious people will relentlessly seek an external answer/solution/'magic bullet' to a core problem, when the only core problem is their inability to manage the symptoms of fear and anxiety. Deep down everyone is uniquely beautiful and worthy. Normally they know what the right choices are for them.

 

The solution is to cheerlead their ability to know what is 'right' for them and express one's confidence faith in the person's ability to make that choice. I feel that this works so much better that telling them what to do and what not to do.

 

For what it is worth, I am a bit of a geek with reading self improvement books for tips and I do believe that they add value.

Edited January 24, 2016 by Brapting

[MistaYates]

I appreciate all the responses. Its a terrible feeling knowing 6 months down the road, your ex whom cheated on you with a guy that she is still with. Makes me feel like ****. Staying home is depressing, and being alone is also depressing, knowing shes out getting her hole filled.

 

I believe that people who are undeserving of being in a happy relationship deserve to be punished. Its ****ed up.

[Brapting]

I appreciate all the responses. Its a terrible feeling knowing 6 months down the road, your ex whom cheated on you with a guy that she is still with. Makes me feel like ****. Staying home is depressing, and being alone is also depressing, knowing shes out getting her hole filled.

 

I believe that people who are undeserving of being in a happy relationship deserve to be punished. Its ****ed up.

 

Keep the faith bro. I am not going to tell you to feel better about it. There is nothing 'wrong' with how you feel. You are a human being. Pain, betrayal and loneliness are perfectly normal emotions and you share them with 7 billion other people on the planet. It may not seem like it, but the mere fact that you are feeling them is a positive sign that you are a normal human being. In a way, it would be more worrying if you felt nothing.

 

Secondly, emotions and moods are partly like weather. I read a news story recently about a Welsh (UK) village where it rained everyday for 85 days straight. After the first week, the villagers must have thought 'this is horrible', after the second week they must have thought 'when will this stop' after the 11th and 12th week, they must have been convinced that it would never stop raining. But it did. After the 85 day, the clouds cleared and it stopped raining. After a few days and weeks, the villagers probably realized that it was just something unfortunate that happened once. It was horrible at the time, but it passed and sure it may rain again in future, but there will always be moment when the clouds clear and sunshine returns.

 

...my point is that emotions and moods are always temporary. Like waves that roll back and forth. Sure, in the moment, they may feel unrelenting and permanent, just as the 85 days felt to the Welsh villagers. But they will eventually pass. Knowing and reminding yourself of this fact may go a long way to easing your pain.

 

Unlike the weather, emotions and moods can be encouraged and molded. This is not to say that healing can be rushed...you get to decide and control what you feel ready to put in. Thoughts influence feelings/emotions and feelings/emotions influence thoughts in a cycle. For example, if someone thinks "I am worthless", they respond by feeling 'worthless'. This in turn makes them think "I am worthless and a loser" which in turn makes them feel even worse! Very quickly, this process can snowball. However, the inverse is also true and everyone can teach themselves to identify negative thoughts and replace them with more rational, reasonable and realistic alternatives. You can decide what you think if you want to.

 

Personally, I feel that your 'ex's' behavior is 100 per cent a reflection on her. I think that you can reasonably slam the doors down on her in your mind. You cannot escape the reality of what happened, but you can decide what you take from it. Perhaps this could be that this was one woman (out of 3.5 billion on the planet) who clearly didn't give me the respect that I deserved. There are plenty who would and plenty who will if you are willing to try again. Maybe allow yourself to feel the negative feelings (cry if you want) and then accept them for what they are: negative feelings, no more, no less. They are understandable, they will not kill you and they will pass if you give them time.

Edited January 25, 2016 by Brapting

[ZHguy]

I appreciate all the responses. Its a terrible feeling knowing 6 months down the road, your ex whom cheated on you with a guy that she is still with. Makes me feel like ****. Staying home is depressing, and being alone is also depressing, knowing shes out getting her hole filled.

 

I believe that people who are undeserving of being in a happy relationship deserve to be punished. Its ****ed up.

 

It is a terrible feeling to be wronged. Sometimes I too feel like 'when's my victory moment going to come?', and I also feel like there a lot of people who's victory moment is way past their due date, e.g. their ex's cheated on them, they lost their whole life because of it, meanwhile their ex is rocking their world achieving success after success.. .A great example is my mother, who I feel like had the universe against her, when her ex-husband was completely in the wrong, and gets his way even today. It's hard to fight on when you feel like the whole world is waging a war against you. I think I know what will help though, and it's boosting your confidence.

 

I think you should spend more time focussing on your life, e.g. get on a work-out plan, learn how to cook something, re-design the interior of your living room/bedroom, learn a language, or save up to go out somewhere.

Or you could even take some classes like boxing, or rowing. What this will do is not just make you more confident as you get better, but it will help put you in a different group of people, where hopefully you can meet new people (yes, there are other ways of meeting people than in the bar). When you meet new people and have conversations with them, you will automatically feel elated. I know, this advice isn't the magic recipe to get the world on your side, but it's something.

 

Hope I helped, take care of yourself