I haven't posted here much, but I have an update

[TreadingLightly]

MM is getting a divorce. He filed right after Christmas and the first few days his W seemed pretty unfazed by it. However, she has had a few ugly doses of reality as far as having to work to contribute to the care of their kids and has now become unhinged, is trying to drag it out and has started to scream about infidelity.

 

Yet the A started at her request (there have been multiple texts, including one that says "I won't hold any [affair partners] against you.") Here where we live, while there is a choice of fault or no-fault divorce, fault is very rarely dealt with. And judges don't give much credence to fault in a D that doesn't involve lots of money, which this one definitely doesn't.

 

He has never admitted to her that he is actually having an affair, and until he filed for divorce she has acted like she doesn't care where he spends his time because she has been able to live off of him.

 

Tonight she threatened to go to his boss and ask about his past travel schedule to attempt to prove he's been cheating and tell his boss how awful he is. I'm actually gobsmacked she would do that, but she was drunk when she said it. I heard the recording of it, and she really sounds like she is coming apart at the seams. (recording is legal here where we are)

 

Before y'all say she should be supported by him more than child support which will be about 30% of his gross income + insurance for the kids, she has a professional degree that she refuses to use, and there are jobs in her field available. So she has the means to support herself (fairly well) and contribute to the kids' support as well.

 

Since he filed, we have spent very little time together. His lawyer knows about me, as do his parents and I think his boss does now, so her threats to expose him are pretty empty.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure what the point of this post is except to share that he is taking steps to get free of his marriage, and then we will discuss what we want in the future. Neither of us is looking for another marriage anytime soon, and he is actively looking for his own place to live. I guess we will start dating like "normal" people do.

 

I just want to say I have read here a lot, and found the support offered to posters very comforting, and the wisdom shared very helpful.

I'm bad with names, but there are a few posters who have ended up with their MMs, and one said something like "I chose to stay with him, not to wait for him." and that was so helpful to help me direct my thoughts.

 

I did stay with him, and stopped bugging him about the future, and he figured it out for himself.

Edited January 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge and paragraphs

[anika99]

Well the woman's long term marriage is ending, her family is breaking up, her life and her future are being forever changed against her will and on top of all that her husband is making her crazy with lies and gas lighting her. No wonder she's having a freaking meltdown.

 

His divorce is none of your business, what the wife does or does not do with her degree is none of your business. Stay out of the details of her life and the details of the divorce. I have read your past threads and see that you have compromised yourself a lot to win this MM. You are not in a position to judge the wife.

 

Make sure you don't let the MM move straight into your place and tell him you would rather not hear the details of his interactions with his wife or the divorce. It will save your sanity and keep you from becoming part of a jerry springer episode. Do not try to manage or control the outcome because you won't succeed and you will go mental.

[Popsicle]

Why didn't he know that wife saying "I won't hold any side pieces against you" was a threat/dare, not permission?

 

And you should stay completely out of their divorce.

Edited January 24, 2016 by Popsicle

[minimariah]

stay out of their divorce & relationship as much as you can; don't think about her too much + try to stay as neutral as you possibly can be when it comes to her; stop demonizing her & taking any pleasure in her pain; no matter what you think you saw or heard... you don't know this woman and you definitely of their marriage; if you're not capable of being respectful to her then stay NEUTRAL & as emotionally uninvolved as you can be -- only advice i have for you.

 

good luck to all involved.

 

p.s. if he has children, moving in with you right away is a really bad idea.

Edited January 24, 2016 by minimariah

[salparadise]

...he is taking steps to get free of his marriage, and then we will discuss what we want in the future. Neither of us is looking for another marriage anytime soon, and he is actively looking for his own place to live. I guess we will start dating like "normal" people do.

 

Hmmm, transitioning from covert affair to traditional dating... good luck with that. My only advice would be lower your expectations and don't be invested in specific outcomes.

 

The stbexw might be the one having a meltdown today, but as we all know, change is constant; nothing ever stays the same.

[minimariah]

...and tell him you would rather not hear the details of his interactions with his wife or the divorce.

 

^ this. he should stop fueling you with negativity against the wife -- recording her and showing you her texts, trying to show you how much of a she devil she is while he's a really great guy......... yeah - he lied to you before. he's painting her as someone who wasn't interested in him & told him to find other women and it turned out they were actually sleeping together during your affair ---- so be careful with all of that.

 

she simply doesn't need to be discussed.

Edited January 24, 2016 by minimariah

[Dancewithme]

Back way, way out of this drama. Extricate yourself from his marriage, you have helped MM do enough damage there. What the wife is or isn't doing in the marriage is none of your concern, and what kind of man runs back to his OW to tell detrimental tales of the mother of his children? Tell him to come see you when he is single. If you and he are meant to be, he'll find his way back when the divorce is done. Do not be a soft place for this man to land if and when he divorces. Do not open your home to him. He needs to be on his own to get over his marriage ending, and have a spot where his ex will feel comfortable with the kids visiting. That will not be with you.

 

You sound like a nice person, who made bad choices in loneliness.

 

I apologize for the rambling, I am waiting on my coffee...

Edited January 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
References to other postings without attribution redacted

[TreadingLightly]

I said he is actively looking for his own place to live. Guess everyone missed that part.

I said I didn't know what I was looking for by posting, so I shouldn't be surprised by the vitriol in some of the answers.

I am a nice person. And a pretty good one. I have a good life of my own, and I'm happy that MM is taking steps to make his better for himself. I have been consistent in my message to him since we met, that he needs to focus on making his life better for himself, not for me or anyone else.

Thanks for listening, but I think this really isn't the best place for me to post, I'll just see myself out, no hard feelings.

[William]

On the contrary, thread starter, continue to post and let moderation take care of the vitriol. Report specific posts and we'll deal with them.

 

As a courtesy, I've removed content which alluded to other postings without attribution, which is a violation of LoveShack.org policy. As published in numerous policy statements, and our guidelines, if referring to other threads or posts of the thread starter, and thread starter only, as no other references are allowed, those references shall contain links to specific posts and quote the content of those posts relevant to the current topic.

 

I'll further direct members to remain on this topic, this update, and to treat the thread starter with the respect and civility that all LoveShack.org members are expected to be treated with.

 

Thanks in advance for your cooperation with this moderation directive.

[minimariah]

Thanks for listening, but I think this really isn't the best place for me to post, I'll just see myself out, no hard feelings.

 

[]Divorce is HARD... for everyone involved. that being said, it is important to stay neutral and respectful - if he has children, you will need to at least be civil to their mother so your negative opinion of her (based on her relationship with him) can be SUPER damaging.

 

that means -- he shouldn't drag you into their conflict, he shouldn't monitor her texts and calls and show them to you and he shouldn't record her in her moments of despair - especially if her threats are empty.

 

i will remind you that you only have ONE SIDE of their relationship and it takes two to tango - do not delude yourself into thinking he's The Hero and she's The Villain; do NOT fall for that trap.

 

just like you claim you're a good person; his wife probably is, too. and you both made some pretty massive mistakes - []. you're both human and made mistakes - okay. leave it at that. your relationship with him does not need the stress of you two demonizing her - it will backfire, trust me. so at least THINK about removing yourself mentally and emotionally from their conflict. she isn't anyone relevant to you right now and you should let him handle her.

 

[]

Edited January 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Non-conforming content removed and member moderated

[Doublegold]

Treading--stay strong and positive! Best to you both.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Treading,

 

I hope you'll come back to continue to update and post. I am here to support you if you'd like to come back.

 

I believe it's important for OW/OM's to come back to update when their AP (MM/MW) files for divorce.

 

I plan to treat your posts with kindness, compassion and respect if you should decide you can benefit from posting here.

 

Sending much support to you and welcoming you back to LS should you decide to come.

Edited January 24, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[TreadingLightly]

Why didn't he know that wife saying "I won't hold any [affair partners] against you" was a threat/dare, not permission?

 

And you should stay completely out of their divorce.

 

That was after the multiple instances of her telling him to find [another person] to fulfill his needs, a warning not to fall in love with his AP, and a discussion of them just co-existing as roommates in the house with separate bedrooms.

 

He is trying very hard to keep me out of this, and I am on board with the plan. But right now this is a big thing happening in his life, and he needs to talk it out. As do I, because I don't want to add to his stress, so I chose an anonymous forum.

Edited January 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Pejorative to the subject and/or those contributing.....which is part of our community guidelines.

 

Affair partners are not 'side pieces', they're affair partners.

 

Other humans are not 'cum dumpsters', they're human beings.

 

On this forum we enforce this kind of respect for people. I missed the side piece thing in the opening post and that was my fault for not catching it. Let's not have any reprises of such language. Thanks!

[TreadingLightly]

I have not met his children, and that is not in the cards for many months still. I want them to come out of this with as little stress as possible, and he does, too. So as an adult I realize that I am rightly taking a back seat to them for as long as it takes for them to settle into their new family situation.

 

When he informed his employer of her threats against his job, they took it very seriously and have already taken legal steps to bar her from the premises. Unlike me, his boss and coworkers know her firsthand and apparently aren't in any way surprised to hear of her reactions based on her past behaviors.

 

I have every intention of being civil to her, even pleasant. I don't have any need to tear her down to make myself feel better, and I have no desire to replace her in her children's life. She is their mother, and in spite of her actions against MM, she does love them and want what is best for them.

 

I am however, horrified by her words, actions and threats, and MM is as well. They have talked about divorcing eventually for years, and he didn't expect her to go off her rocker when he finally had enough and filed. And his breaking point was when she made a screaming drunken phone call to his parents late one night, then threatened to leave and take the kids to her pedophile father's house. He filed a week later. I think it was the smart decision.

 

I failed at storytelling class, so I hope I have now filled in enough of the gaps to make more sense.

[TreadingLightly]

Pejorative to the subject and/or those contributing.....which is part of our community guidelines.

 

Affair partners are not 'side pieces', they're affair partners.

 

Other humans are not 'cum dumpsters', they're human beings.

 

On this forum we enforce this kind of respect for people. I missed the side piece thing in the opening post and that was my fault for not catching it. Let's not have any reprises of such language. Thanks!

 

Gotcha. I won't use the pejorative again. I apologize.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I have not met his children, and that is not in the cards for many months still. I want them to come out of this with as little stress as possible, and he does, too. So as an adult I realize that I am rightly taking a back seat to them for as long as it takes for them to settle into their new family situation.

 

When he informed his employer of her threats against his job, they took it very seriously and have already taken legal steps to bar her from the premises. Unlike me, his boss and coworkers know her firsthand and apparently aren't in any way surprised to hear of her reactions based on her past behaviors.

 

I have every intention of being civil to her, even pleasant. I don't have any need to tear her down to make myself feel better, and I have no desire to replace her in her children's life. She is their mother, and in spite of her actions against MM, she does love them and want what is best for them.

 

I am however, horrified by her words, actions and threats, and MM is as well. They have talked about divorcing eventually for years, and he didn't expect her to go off her rocker when he finally had enough and filed. And his breaking point was when she made a screaming drunken phone call to his parents late one night, then threatened to leave and take the kids to her pedophile father's house. He filed a week later. I think it was the smart decision.

 

I failed at storytelling class, so I hope I have now filled in enough of the gaps to make more sense.

 

 

You seem to have a great attitude about all of this but the more you post the more challenges it seems to me that you have ahead of you. For instance, if the FIL of your MM is a pedophile and the ex wife is threatening to take the kids there, I can imagine that would be crazy making for your bf, and is such an irregular problem to have in the mix. You definitely need support and am so glad you're back to post.

 

Did you write that you don't have support there where you live? Imo, you really need friends or family to help you through this as you post here, too.

 

The first thing I'd recommend for you to do is to find some support from persons whose faces you can see and whose arms can give you a hug when you need it as it seems to me you'll be busy providing support and hugs for your bf and will need to have someone to support and hug you when you feel drained by his woes.

[TreadingLightly]

You seem to have a great attitude about all of this but the more you post the more challenges it seems to me that you have ahead of you. For instance, if the FIL of your MM is a pedophile and the ex wife is threatening to take the kids there, I can imagine that would be crazy making for your bf, and is such an irregular problem to have in the mix. You definitely need support and am so glad you're back to post.

 

Did you write that you don't have support there where you live? Imo, you really need friends or family to help you through this as you post here, too.

 

The first thing I'd recommend for you to do is to find some support from persons whose faces you can see and whose arms can give you a hug when you need it as it seems to me you'll be busy providing support and hugs for your bf and will need to have someone to support and hug you when you feel drained by his woes.

Correct, I have very little in the way of IRL support. My mother knows some of it, but she is 4 hours away, and I have two friends who also know, but they are in different parts of the country, so no hugs for me right now. I do have local friends, but I have not shared any of this with them because I don't know them well enough. This is a good outlet for me to let it out and not unload on him, after all, "this is not my circus, not my monkey."

 

As far as the FIL, MM's attorney is aware of the issue, and is ready to deal with it immediately if she makes good on the threat.

 

I do get home to see my family every three months or so, I get hugs then.

Edited January 25, 2016 by TreadingLightly
additional info

[LivingWaterPlease]

Great that you see your family fairly often and believe that'll help you tremendously.

 

Also, good that your MM has a competent attorney! Divorce is so rough on everyone involved.

Edited January 25, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[whichwayisup]

I have not met his children, and that is not in the cards for many months still. I want them to come out of this with as little stress as possible, and he does, too. So as an adult I realize that I am rightly taking a back seat to them for as long as it takes for them to settle into their new family situation.

 

When he informed his employer of her threats against his job, they took it very seriously and have already taken legal steps to bar her from the premises. Unlike me, his boss and coworkers know her firsthand and apparently aren't in any way surprised to hear of her reactions based on her past behaviors.

 

I have every intention of being civil to her, even pleasant. I don't have any need to tear her down to make myself feel better, and I have no desire to replace her in her children's life. She is their mother, and in spite of her actions against MM, she does love them and want what is best for them.

 

I am however, horrified by her words, actions and threats, and MM is as well. They have talked about divorcing eventually for years, and he didn't expect her to go off her rocker when he finally had enough and filed. And his breaking point was when she made a screaming drunken phone call to his parents late one night, then threatened to leave and take the kids to her pedophile father's house. He filed a week later. I think it was the smart decision.

 

I failed at storytelling class, so I hope I have now filled in enough of the gaps to make more sense.

 

Talking about divorce (for years) and actually doing it are two different things.

 

Just keep your head down and allow him to go through his divorce as best as he can and try not to get sucked into the drama of it all. Find it in your heart to have compassion for his (ex) wife because some day you will be around her children and you do not want to resent or hate her, the kids will pick up on any hate you feel towards her so keep that in mind.

 

No reason to meet their children, keep your R with their father away from them as long as possible, not just a few months but more like a year. They will have tons of adjustments and changes to cope with and learn a new life without being under one roof as a family unit. Put them first and the rest will fall into place as it should.

[ladydesigner]

I am however, horrified by her words, actions and threats, and MM is as well. They have talked about divorcing eventually for years, and he didn't expect her to go off her rocker when he finally had enough and filed. And his breaking point was when she made a screaming drunken phone call to his parents late one night, then threatened to leave and take the kids to her pedophile father's house. He filed a week later. I think it was the smart decision.

 

I failed at storytelling class, so I hope I have now filled in enough of the gaps to make more sense.

 

There are a lot of presumptions against the wife off of what is being said,recorded, and twisted.

 

The wife doesn't have all the facts about her life correct? Her lying WS still has not admitted the A with you?

 

You do know this kind of cowardly and passive aggressive behavior might drive some over the edge?

 

I get it andi would be pissed off too!

 

Hopefully she gets help for herself and for her kids.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I agree with wwiu about not meeting the children for quite awhile. That will just complicate things for all of you.

 

I can imagine you want the best possible relationship with the children in the future and they're going to have to get used to their parents being apart. Divorce is a huge chunk for children to swallow without having to meet their dad's girlfriend before they've adjusted to the fact their parents won't be together anymore.

[TreadingLightly]

There are a lot of presumptions against the wife off of what is being said,recorded, and twisted.

 

The wife doesn't have all the facts about her life correct? Her lying WS still has not admitted the A with you?

 

You do know this kind of cowardly and passive aggressive behavior might drive some over the edge?

 

I get it andi would be pissed off too!

 

Hopefully she gets help for herself and for her kids.

 

As far as admitting an affair, he has merely refused to admit to any specifics. She knows he has had one, but until sometime in December she didn't make it an issue. He is trying to protect my privacy, and I appreciate it.

 

Can you admit that there is a possibility that she might be what I am presenting her to be? Not every BS is a saint or a good person, just like not every person who never had an affair is a good person, nor every person who has had one is going to be a serial cheater.

 

When I was a BS, I was pretty awful, and looking back I wasn't proud of my behavior. I was also young and immature and learned from the experience.

Edited January 25, 2016 by TreadingLightly
additional info

[ladydesigner]

As far as admitting an affair, he has merely refused to admit to any specifics. She knows he has had one, but until sometime in December she didn't make it an issue. He is trying to protect my privacy, and I appreciate it.

 

Can you admit that there is a possibility that she might be what I am presenting her to be? Not every BS is a saint or a good person, just like not every person who never had an affair is a good person, nor every person who has had one is going to be a serial cheater.

 

When I was a BS, I was pretty awful, and looking back I wasn't proud of my behavior. I was also young and immature and learned from the experience.

 

This BS doesn't have all the facts. She may not be a good person but she also has no idea why her M is falling apart.

[TreadingLightly]

I agree with wwiu about not meeting the children for quite awhile. That will just complicate things for all of you.

 

I can imagine you want the best possible relationship with the children in the future and they're going to have to get used to their parents being apart. Divorce is a huge chunk for children to swallow without having to meet their dad's girlfriend before they've adjusted to the fact their parents won't be together anymore.

 

This is something that he and I have discussed many times. I am steadfast in my answer to wait as long as possible, and then a bit longer, to meet them. I have zero need to play mom to them, and zero desire to confuse or upset them.

 

Theoretically the three adults in this mess can remember that the kids' welfare and well-being is the most important issue.