when you insist to stay , just be creative ...

[Phoenician]

After all those 18 years riding a roller coaster , with 3 kids on board .

 

Reaching the point where a lot of ppl called me names ; some viewed me as a coward , others as a sex maniac , and some admired me ..

 

Being HD, wife LD and so many discrepencies even outside sexual life ( givology, selfishness, laziness...)

 

 

I am now in better position , embarking in new concepts , some might agree about approach or dislike , but I am seeing the light .

 

I am becoming more realistic , accepting my wife as she is , trying to trigger her to give more and take more.

 

what she can't give , I am getting it from outside ;with limits , no PIV no Oral sex , just hangouts with ppl who are like me , in same situation, needs affection but not The big sin ; we cuddle , we dance and have passion for very short time , the beauty of it , the moment we go out of that night club we are back to our partners , with respect to them and our families

 

Call it cheating , call it dishonesty , I don't care , I call it being wise , and the day she gives more I will refrain more ...

[privategal]

Just seems like after all these years your supposed to wine and dine and cuddle and dance with your spouse.

You know on the prices right when they open the curtain and show you the prize?

Seems like what 18 years won you both is a stagnant boring tired marriage that you settle for. I'm not judging, choose what you like to do but I just feel so sad for both of you.

[A.Moscote]

Just try not to deceive anyone, can u?

[Popsicle]

You're a man so you're probably unsuspecting of emotional affairs (because they aren't physical).

 

That will be your first mistake.

[dreamingoftigers]

You are dancing right on the edge and I think you know it.

 

How come you aren't taking your wife out dancing?

[MJJean]

So, your "creative" solution is to remain married and cheat. Going out dancing and cuddling and comisserating with others in low sex or sexless marriage IS cheating, make no mistake.Physical and emotional intimacy with someone other than your spouse is pretty much the clasic definition of cheating, even if there isn't actual sex involved.

 

Cheating isn't a creative solution. It's so commonly used it was cliche when Phroahs ruled Eqypt and Caesar ran Rome.

[TX-SC]

I am HD and my wife is LD. I put my effort into making her happy and she does the same for me. No, the sex is not nearly enough for me, but it makes it even more special when I do get it. I could never cheat on her, neither emotionally nor physically. Mark me down as one who thinks you are making a huge mistake.

[ShatteredLady]

OP. This is such an unhealthy obsession for you. Please let me explain before you jump on that statement.... A poor lady came to this site, distraught after finding that her H has been secretly filming her doing private things (even using the toilet, 'positioning' her during sex etc) this is clearly a sick invasion of privacy.

 

Your mind goes to 'What if he's been living in a low/no sex marriage?'. Come on!! What do you now see as unacceptable, truly, for a sexually frustrated man? (They were NOT in a sexless marriage obviously!) I have no doubt that you had some morals, at some point but now you seem to be pushing the limits in such an unhealthy way!!

 

It's ok to 'spy' & tape a woman naked without her permission?!? It's ok to just go into the darkness of a club & get satisfaction as long as it doesn't go 'all the way'. I fear that you're on a very slippery slope.

[burnt]

Phoenician, I have read many of your posts, but not all. So, clearly I don't have the whole story.

 

But based on what I did read, you truly aren't happy in this marriage. Your frustration has been showing in EVERY one of your posts.

 

Can I ask you, why you are not considering a divorce?

 

What are you gaining by staying in this marriage?

[Rejected Rosebud]

Can I ask you, why you are not considering a divorce?

 

What are you gaining by staying in this marriage?

Some people seem to need to feel superior to another person at all times so they remain in a relationship with somebody that they disdain or even despise. That's what I feel is going on here, from the posts.

 

OP has said it's because of the kids but I believe they are teenagers or even over, and can you imagine what it would be like to grow up in a family with this dynamic between the parents?? :eek: "Staying together for the kids" is NOT the best idea when you are disgusted by their other parent and you plan on making them pay every day for your feelings.

[Phoenician]

[]

 

 

-Leave

-or Cheat .

 

 

I won't leave , my kids will suffer a lot ; at the same time I can't cut it and throw for cats.

 

 

And the truth is that she is a good person , She loves me , I love her ; but she doesn't feel aroused by sex; and I can live without sex.

 

 

If you call 2-3 times per month outside sick time a healthy sex life for an HD person ; for me it is not .

Edited January 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rejected Rosebud]

Rose , you said nobody can change , don't contradict yourself ; 18 years is not a trip , it is a journey, I am HD++ , she is LD , and lazy by nature ; what options I have

 

NO, I never said that. I said YOU can't change her. You could certainly change yourself, though, in case you didn't want to behave in such a cowardly and, sorry, creepy fashion. (groping on strangers in dark clubs? :eek:)

 

Anyway I am not going to try to talk to you anymore. I will just say this one thing: You present yourself here as a person who plays a very active role in becoming a NON SEXUAL presence in his own marriage.

[dreamingoftigers]

[]

 

 

-Leave

-or Cheat .

 

 

I won't leave , my kids will suffer a lot ; at the same time I can't cut it and throw for cats.

 

 

And the truth is that she is a good person , She loves me , I love her ; but she doesn't feel aroused by sex; and I can live without sex.

 

 

If you call 2-3 times per month outside sick time a healthy sex life for an HD person ; for me it is not .

 

Or choice C: tell her exactly what your deal is so SHE can make a choice.

 

Conflict-avoidance is what brought you here.

 

Most cheaters are conflict-avoidant.

Then they make excuses like "oh my spouse made it so boo hoo hard for me."

 

Jeepers, I am probably the most HD female I've ever met IRL.

 

You grow up and realize you aren't "entitled to cheat" because you "want sex that bad."

 

Eleven years under my belt. Been the main provider in my family and so forth. Dealt with husband's addiction issues too.

 

I swear when I hear cheaters cheat, it just remind me so much of my father playing that same old victim card of how he "needs his alcohol" because he couldn't deal with the trauma of my brother being brain injured. Sounds tragic, right. Only problem was he's been that entitled to his booze since before my brother was born.

 

You can attach whatever cute label you want to it "I'm just so HD and no one understands me." Or you can realize that you're an adult, married to another adult. Make afult choices and confront the issue honestly and fairly.

 

Ask your wife straight-forward to think over for a week if she's happy with you, and if there's any need you aren't meeting. That's the first step.

 

Talk with her about it. Then introduce what's going on for you and the struggle you've been having.

 

Because if I had a sad-sack cheating husband like yourself, you can damn well bet the last thing I'd be worried about was his special "HD." Unless he could quit the cheating BS and invest where I would I actually need to feel appreciated in the marriage.

 

FRANKLY, almost every time I hear a husband saying "she doesn't like sex" what I really hear is, "I haven't a clue how to turn her on and the emotional disconnect is the size of the Gulf of Mexico."

 

You aren't listening to her at all because you've tried to get her to listen to you, and guess what? You aren't getting what you want.

 

You've been on here for a LONG time. I have yet to see you put two solid weeks into trying any other advice that posters have offered you.

 

So you've chosen the path that NO ONE suggested: whine, criticize, play victim and now cheat.

 

I swear, there's only one married man, because its always the same pattern. Different justifications: everything from "I need variety" to "the house isn't clean enough" to my boss' "the money I make entitles me to certain things." But its all the same guy.

 

It's like trying to reason with an addict. Seriously, look up justifications that addicts use to get their drugs, it should stand right out. "No one understands you, you need it, you'll stop if it gets out of hand" fit whatever you need to into the situation. They all behave like petulant children.

 

As a daughter who found her father's affair: your kids will be disgusted with you, and rightfully so. Being a "good spouse" for X number of years doesn't buy you a ticket to the Genital Amusement Park. And your kids will know that too.

Edited January 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[burnt]

I won't leave , my kids will suffer a lot ;

Thank you for clarifying that.

So in other words, if you didn't have kids in the picture, you certainly would have left your wife--is that a fair statement to make?

 

what options I have

 

-Leave

-or Cheat .

 

If I may elaborate the two options a bit farther:

 

option 1: Leave; and your kids 'suffer'. Can I ask you to really think about what you mean by 'suffer'? What will they gain? what will they lose?

 

If you leave, they will see their parents live separately; true. There are many parents separate but still love and are loved by the kids and the kids actually learn to grow as responsible adults as a result. If you separate, in time your kids will learn to accept that their parents had differences and separated amicably. They will learn that people change, but still can respectfully treat each other by going their separate ways and allowing the other to find their happiness in their own ways.

 

option 2: Stay and cheat secretly. Tell yourself that seeing someone secretly so long as your wife doesn't know is acceptable.

Do you really think your kids are SO stupid that they won't put 2 and 2 together down the road and won't know that their father betrayed their mother's trust?

How exactly do you think your kids will be saved from 'suffering' if they were to know that their father resented their mother all these years and called her 'selfish' and 'lazy'.

What lesson are you leaving for your kids to learn from your behavior? That it is far better to lie and cheat to your life's partner than to be honest and accept the differences as a mature adult?

 

Just by reading your posts, everyone here can sense your disrespect and resentment towards your wife. You don't think your kids can't sense that? Think again. Kids are more intuitive that you think. They can tell the differences between loving parents and resentful parents, no matter how the parents try to hide them.

 

So you are living with someone year after year after year after year…unhappily.

 

Do you really think it's healthy for the kids to be living in a home with parents who can't make peace, can't respect, can't trust, can't be honest, can't be open?

 

Yes the kids from divorced families suffer.

 

But kids from dishonest, unhappy, cheating parents get destroyed for life.

 

Phoenician,

You and your wife are not sexually compatible and do not belong together.

You have the right to be with someone who can make you happy.

She has the right to be with someone who can respect her and someone who she can trust.

Your kids have the right to see their parents content and respectful, even if they get separated.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for clarifying that.

So in other words, if you didn't have kids in the picture, you certainly would have left your wife--is that a fair statement to make?

 

 

 

If I may elaborate the two options a bit farther:

 

option 1: Leave; and your kids 'suffer'. Can I ask you to really think about what you mean by 'suffer'? What will they gain? what will they lose?

 

If you leave, they will see their parents live separately; true. There are many parents separate but still love and are loved by the kids and the kids actually learn to grow as responsible adults as a result. If you separate, in time your kids will learn to accept that their parents had differences and separated amicably. They will learn that people change, but still can respectfully treat each other by going their separate ways and allowing the other to find their happiness in their own ways.

 

option 2: Stay and cheat secretly. Tell yourself that seeing someone secretly so long as your wife doesn't know is acceptable.

Do you really think your kids are SO stupid that they won't put 2 and 2 together down the road and won't know that their father betrayed their mother's trust?

How exactly do you think your kids will be saved from 'suffering' if they were to know that their father resented their mother all these years and called her 'selfish' and 'lazy'.

What lesson are you leaving for your kids to learn from your behavior? That it is far better to lie and cheat to your life's partner than to be honest and accept the differences as a mature adult?

 

Just by reading your posts, everyone here can sense your disrespect and resentment towards your wife. You don't think your kids can't sense that? Think again. Kids are more intuitive that you think. They can tell the differences between loving parents and resentful parents, no matter how the parents try to hide them.

 

So you are living with someone year after year after year after year…unhappily.

 

Do you really think it's healthy for the kids to be living in a home with parents who can't make peace, can't respect, can't trust, can't be honest, can't be open?

 

Yes the kids from divorced families suffer.

 

But kids from dishonest, unhappy, cheating parents get destroyed for life.

 

Phoenician,

You and your wife are not sexually compatible and do not belong together.

You have the right to be with someone who can make you happy.

She has the right to be with someone who can respect her and someone who she can trust.

Your kids have the right to see their parents content and respectful, even if they get separated.

 

Who knows, they might be sexually compatible if this guy invested in actual intimacy and found out what her emotional / physical needs were. My marriage practically transformed intimacy-wise after the criticism and contempt (from both ends) disappeared. It's such a relief. I thought such an "uncrossable Gulf" could never be bridged. I thyght he would never do x, y or z. Turns out i was dead wrong. The intimate communication could still be improved, but man oh man, ever much better than where we were.

 

But hey, OP doesn't know, he won't try, and is turning a blind eye to the consequences of his own actions.

 

I fully agree with the rest of your post.

Divorce, handled properly, is far less traumatic than the kids finding out or even suspecting about the stepping out.

 

Even the suspicion eats at people. Frigging awful and such a crappy thing to do when you have kids. It completely screws up your trust in people, for life.

[dreamingoftigers]

And what crappy role-modelling to teach kids about how to handle conflict in a relationship. Ugh.

[Phoenician]

I am HD and my wife is LD. I put my effort into making her happy and she does the same for me. No, the sex is not nearly enough for me, but it makes it even more special when I do get it. I could never cheat on her, neither emotionally nor physically. Mark me down as one who thinks you are making a huge mistake.

 

TX , How long have you been married ?

kids ?

[Phoenician]

[]

 

-We are respecting each other ,we love each other ,I love my wife ,

we argue nowadays in a very polite way ,we are proud in this family ; my kids are happy ; we are sharing very nice moments ; the issue is me , I am HD , she can't give more than what she can ,that's her , she is happy with 1-2 times sometimes per month I can't blame her anymore ...

 

 

at the same time what am i supposed to do with my fantasies ?

 

I am human .

Edited January 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dreamingoftigers]

[]

 

-We are respecting each other ,we love each other ,I love my wife ,

we argue nowadays in a very polite way ,we are proud in this family ; my kids are happy ; we are sharing very nice moments ; the issue is me , I am HD , she can't give more than what she can ,that's her , she is happy with 1-2 times sometimes per month I can't blame her anymore ...

 

 

at the same time what am i supposed to do with my fantasies ?

 

I am human .

 

You are NOT respecting your wife.

 

Read After the Affair, you can find a list of justifications in there, I think you've covered most of the list.

Edited January 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[burnt]

So divorce is hilarious !

Pheonician,

So, initially when asked why you stay in the marriage, your answer was "for the kids".

Now the answer is "because I love my wife".

 

There are inconsistencies in your own responses. Can you please get your story straight first.

 

-We are respecting each other ,we love each other ,

You respect her? Do you know what respect is? You call her 'lazy'; you post about her being 'selfish' for not giving BJ. You posting messages saying she is using you as a wallet for money but doesn't care about your needs. You saying she just takes your money but doesn't give to you what you need.

I'm sorry did you say you … 'respect' …her??

 

I love my wife ,

So you are cheating on her.

I see…

 

at the same time what am i supposed to do with my fantasies ?

I am human .

 

Do you know what married humans are supposed to do? Something called 'communication'...

 

Since you have been married for 18 years, and since you value marriage SO much that you think the option of divorce is hilarious,

here's a question for you.

Do you know what a marriage is supposed to be about?

 

Since you 'love your wife', since you 'respect each other' and since you value marriage THAT much,

have you thought about talking to you her …honestly, openly, bluntly?

 

How about take the same things you have posted in LS and saying those exact things and tell her how you feel. How about allow your wife who you love and respect to come to this site to read all the entries you have written about her telling strangers how you feel about her laziness and selfishness your resentment and dissatisfaction?

 

That's what marriage is about--HONEST COMMUNICATION.

 

Sorry, what you have is not love, when you cannot even communicate with your loving respecting wife about your needs.

 

If she truly is loving to you and respecting to you, you two together can agree upon an open marriage.

 

But whatever you do, you simply cannot say "we love each other" one second, and then "I'm doing things behind her back" the next second.

[Phoenician]

You are NOT respecting your wife.

 

Read After the Affair, you can find a list of justifications in there, I think you've covered most of the list.

 

dreamingoftigers,

 

Socially and my culture it is not acceptable that a partner divorce just because of sexual incompatibility ;

 

It is obvious by now to me that ; I am the one cursed with HD , I am the black sheep of the family .

 

 

The only disrespect I have toward my wife , is related from my point of view to vows, to givology in sexual relation ; from my point of view a partner should sacrifice as part of vows ...

 

forget about platonic respect for a moment .

 

I have reached a great point of acceptance ; she is LD , I can't and won't anymore try to change her .

Apart from this , she is great ; and since last reconciliation , our home is great , everybody is happy , except me .

 

We argue in a respectful way , we shout sometimes and apologize , we eat from same plate , we enjoy time to time common interrests , we go out ...

 

Call me coward , If I divorce , I loose everything , even the image that I am a good person , she will loose her image which is a good one ...

 

 

In my envirnment , Society and culture ,sexual satisfaction is the lowest pririoty in Marriage , for both male and female;

 

With the medical conditions I have , it is expected that I will loose my libido very soon ; hence the problem will be resolved by itself ....

But now my testerone level is on the roof ...

 

Please , before you give your opinion where i respect every opinion , as long as it doesn't humulate ...

 

just put yourself in my shoes ,

 

we are human , made out of flesh ,desires , emotions ; if you think yourself that you can by pressing a button suppress your emotions , sorry to say it you are damn wrong .

[Satu]

What do 'HD' and 'LD' mean?

[wmacbride]

dreamingoftigers,

 

With the medical conditions I have , it is expected that I will loose my libido very soon ; hence the problem will be resolved by itself ....

But now my testerone level is on the roof ...

 

Please , before you give your opinion where i respect every opinion , as long as it doesn't humulate ...

 

just put yourself in my shoes ,

 

we are human , made out of flesh ,desires , emotions ; if you think yourself that you can by pressing a button suppress your emotions , sorry to say it you are damn wrong .

 

 

How did you feel before you found out that you will "lose your libido"? Was there always this incompatibility between you two, or is this something new now that, as you put it, "your testosterone is now through the roof"?

 

 

There is something about what you posted that doesn't make sense to me, and maybe you can clarify. You say you are going to clubs and dancing , etc. with other women, but it doesn't sound like you are having sex with them, as you are indoors with people around.

 

You use your wife's low sex drive to explain this behavior. How does her lower sex drive rationalize you going out and doing what amounts to cheating on her on an emotional level?

 

What it sounds like it boils down to is (a) you want to cheat, and (b) you want to blame that on your wife.

[oldshirt]

Kids are harmed when they live in a toxic environment of chronic hostility or abuse or chemical abuse, abandonment etc etc.

 

They are not harmed when they have two loving, involved, supportive parents that happen to live in two separate homes.

[carhill]

What do 'HD' and 'LD' mean?

High (sex) drive versus Low (sex) drive.