How to Avoid the Relationship?

[RedRobin]

I actually agree with that! ^^

 

What I don't agree with is your assuming that ALL men who date around and okay sleep around until such time they find that woman they wish to commit to (i.e. buy) DON'T have the right tools, or are willing to put in the effort to keep that house standing.

 

Are there men who are womanizers? You betcha. Are there men who will lie to a woman, tell her he wants a RL when he does not? Of course!

 

However, there are also men who are legitimately seeking commitment....men who are, in fact, buyers, but have yet to find a woman they wish to commit to.

 

And until such time they do....they will date around, and if the woman is willing (and in many cases actually initiates), he will have sex with her.

 

But once they do find her and commit to her.... their frame of mind is every bit as committed as the guy who chose NOT to date around.

 

As I said, my brother dated around (and yes had sex with different women)....BUT he is now just as committed to his beautiful WIFE as the guy who chose not to date/sleep around. He was raised to believe in commitment and knows how important it is to a healthy, functioning RL (as was I).

 

He has the right tools, the right knowledge and knows what it takes to keep the house standing.

 

He NEVER lied to women, never led them to believe he wanted a RL when he didn't....to the contrary he was always up front and honest...and usually followed her lead...which in many cases was straight to the bedroom.

 

He behaved this way...UNTIL such time he met his now-wife, to whom, again, he is VERY committed and very much in love with. Going on five years for them now (I think...lol)

 

I think it's wrong to paint every man with the same brush. There are good guys and bad guys....just as there are good women and bad women.

 

You have to judge each man (or woman) individually because they are all different..... even though from the outside, they may have had the same experience (of dating multiple women). However, does mean they are all the same on the INSIDE. Some have the right tools and know how keep the house standing....and some don't.

 

I know you don't agree RedRobin and I do respect that. I sense you've been hurt a lot and, as such, your negative experiences have shaped your way of thinking. I am sorry for that, I truly am. I almost want to give you a hug, cause I can feel your pain and hurt in virtually all your posts.

 

However, my personal experiences have been different...I have not experienced such negativity in my life with respect to men, I have been lucky I guess.

 

And as a result, I am able to stay more open and positive....and judge men and women on an individual basis...instead of painting them all with the same brush....just because they share a similar past with respect to their dating experiences.

 

As always wish you the best....

 

Please don't mistake my enjoyment of a bit of debate with pain.

 

Most of my experiences with men in all aspects of my life have been very positive. The ones who don't date around anyway. I think there might have been a time when I wasn't so firm about it... But I honestly never met one I liked or respected as a person. So... Just easier to avoid them. Saves us both a lot of headaches.

[katiegrl]

Please don't mistake my enjoyment of a bit of debate with pain.

 

Most of my experiences with men in all aspects of my life have been very positive. The ones who don't date around anyway. I think there might have been a time when I wasn't so firm about it... But I honestly never met one I liked or respected as a person. So... Just easier to avoid them. Saves us both a lot of headaches.

 

Okay thanks for clarifying... my bad.

 

I am actually very happy to hear that too.....believe it or not.

[Otter2569]

My experience is that most women will come out and ask about a relationship. Of the 4 women I am dating / talking with One has directly said she wants a relationship with me another, after days of serious sexting, said she wouldn't do anything unless we were exclusive. I know both women from prior datings. We used to have killer sex and I was exclusive with both at that time.

 

Only one of the two others seems to roll with it. We have gone out several times and have lots of fun. No heavy sex but a good time. She gives me space and is not pushy. I really like that.

 

I am just going to be honest with them and myself. Take it or leave it.

[elaine567]

Why would you prefer to have those 4 dates without knowing that there is NO WAY he's interested in anything deep, though? I'd be so thankful for him to tell me so I would get the opportunity to NOT waste my time!

Why would you want 3 - 4 dates with a guy who is 100% sure he's not going to be in a relationship with you?

 

Woman who want relationships have a hard time meeting men who truly want one, so why mess up any woman by leading her on for 3-4 dates and getting her interested and her hopes up, only to throw her under a bus.

 

Otter KNOWS he DOESN'T want anything serious from the outset, so he needs to be upfront about that ASAP, so no-one is even slightly confused.

[Otter2569]

Having history with two of these women I know the sex is/was fun and good but I don't see any long term potential with them.

 

I am open to a relationship but I would like it to evolve naturally and I am not going to commit myself unless its right for me.

 

It seems that many women want some kind of commitment right out of the gate. That's a bit of a turn off for me.

[katiegrl]

Woman who want relationships have a hard time meeting men who truly want one, so why mess up any woman by leading her on for 3-4 dates and getting her interested and her hopes up, only to throw her under a bus.

 

Otter KNOWS he DOESN'T want anything serious from the outset, so he needs to be upfront about that ASAP, so no-one is even slightly confused.

 

I think what he means is he doesn't know whether or not he wants a RL *with that particular woman* ...and how could he?

 

How could any man know that right out of the gate? He doesn't even know her!

 

Even men who claim they don't want a RL with *any* woman have been know to change their minds once they get to know a particular woman....and they end up wanting a RL *with her*.

 

Why can't everyone just relax, and enjoy the process?

 

This *do you want a RL* (even generically) convo should NOT be happening in the early stages.

 

No one knows what the hell they want in the early stages.... except they're attracted and want to get to know someone to see what, if anything, develops, gradually and naturally.

 

**And contrastly, there have been cases where a guy told a woman he DID want a RL, and she was excited to finally find a guy who actually wanted a RL, only to discover later, he did not want a RL *with her*!!*** After which she accuses him of leading her on!

 

Again, that convo should not be happening in the early stages....it's actually meaningless as feelings are fluid, can change on a dime, and like I said, no one knows what they want until such time they get to know the person.

 

That convo is a futile waste of time and energy in the early stages as far as I am concerned.

 

Just relax and enjoy the process, gradually, naturally, and see how it all unfolds.

Edited February 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[candie13]

This was precisely my attitude when I reentered the dating world after getting separated from my now ex wife.

 

I think that some people are unwilling to accept that fact that a guy may be open to a relationship, but just not with them. If you, me, or any other guy dates a girl a few times, sleeps with her, but during the dating phase find out something we don't dig about her and decide to end things, suddenly we were just leading her on. Whatever helps those ladies sleep at night is fine with me, but it isn't always the truth. We just weren't all that into you.

If they slept with you without having you mention the word 'rs' or exclusivity, they took the risk of being used for a test drive. A lot of men won't pay for the milk and won't want to buy the cow to begin with. Beginners' mistake, in my book.

[katiegrl]

If they slept with you without having you mention the word 'rs' or exclusivity, they took the risk of being used for a test drive. A lot of men won't pay for the milk and won't want to buy the cow to begin with. Beginners' mistake, in my book.

 

That is right, she (the woman) took that risk, so that's on her, not the guy.

 

If a woman does not want to risk that, then she should wait until said man tells her he would like a RL *with her* and that takes a long time in many cases.

 

Patience would serve her well ....as well as confidence, having faith in their connection, and the ability to relax and allow things to unfold gradually and naturally.

[candie13]

That is right, she (the woman) took that risk, so that's on her, not the guy.

 

If a woman does not want to risk that, then she should wait until said man tells her he would like a RL *with her* and that takes a long time in many cases.

 

Patience would serve her well ....as well as confidence, having faith in their connection, and the ability to relax and allow things to unfold gradually and naturally.

 

Pretty much, yup. I mean, there's always the connection, the authenticity of that connection, a lot of boxes to Check & bells to ring. I think sometimes people start with all the right intentions & want a RS, but the more they date, and after sleeping with eachother, then realize it's not it. It happened to me, it happened to male friends of mine.

 

Sex is important, but it's not the beginning & it sure isn't the end. Finding the right person is. To this degree, I agree with you, Kate, taking time to talk, to understand the other person, to connect, to nourish that connection.... It doesn't just happen over night, with a random guy. A lot of times, it fizzles out.

[Emilia]

This was precisely my attitude when I reentered the dating world after getting separated from my now ex wife.

 

I think that some people are unwilling to accept that fact that a guy may be open to a relationship, but just not with them. If you, me, or any other guy dates a girl a few times, sleeps with her, but during the dating phase find out something we don't dig about her and decide to end things, suddenly we were just leading her on. Whatever helps those ladies sleep at night is fine with me, but it isn't always the truth. We just weren't all that into you.

 

This is true but then it's human nature not to be happy with being judged over a period of time when you like someone. Rationally you shouldn't get your knickers in a twist but people do because they want to be liked and validated. You would need to have a heart of stone not to understand that.

 

Dating/relationships all are a process to weed out people we don't want. We expect the other person to just accept it. 'It's not you, it's me. We aren't compatible. It's no-one's fault. ' While the other person thought the opposite and figured they didn't have to spend Valentine's alone again just to get dumped after being screwed a few times.

 

Dating and relationships are a responsibility. You can get to know a person before you have sex, before you tie them to yourself with oxytocin. But that requires actually giving a f*** about anyone.