How to Avoid the Relationship?

[Rejected Rosebud]

Men often get called a douche when we say the wrong thing.

Leading a woman on purposefully is not related to "saying the wrong thing." Behaving how you think you need to so you can get laid IS douchey.

[candie13]

I will field these questions from my perspective, as a guy. After 3-4 dates, hang outs, whatever, I usually still have no freaking clue what I want from that particular woman. IMO, that is the entire point of dating, to get to know one another. I have been in situations where I was not even thinking about a relationship...but then I met the right girl and all that crap changes. Some woman pushing a relationship on a guy she just met is not only unattractive, but kinda creepy.

yup... It'd freak me out too! Hold your own & get on with life.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I will field these questions from my perspective, as a guy. After 3-4 dates, hang outs, whatever, I usually still have no freaking clue what I want from that particular woman.

Yeh but that is not relevant to this thread.

 

THIS guy is NOT AVAILABLE for ANY relationship with ANY woman. But he wants female companionship and probably sex (which is fine IMO).

 

Isn't it the "right" thing to do to make sure he's let women know in advance that this will NEVER turn into a relationship?

[RedRobin]

Exactly !!! Spending Time does not equal a RS. Having sex does not equal a RS. Him asking You To be exclusive and be in a RS with him is. Good post, enigma!

 

I don't like this, but this is reality. It's how things are. You can call these men douches, but that won't change the reality. So You either learn from this ... or consider you're in a RS after 3-4 dates... I guarantee, if You do The later, you'll have some huge surprises down The road.

 

I don't do that either. I don't have sex with strangers and I am pretty good at avoiding men who multi date and have sex with strangers too. It's been a very long time since I've been anywhere close to the situations you are talking about.

 

*shrug* you asked me what my effing secret is for finding a relationship? That's what it is. Relationship oriented men looking for commitment don't do those things. They just don't.

 

The guys who wanna 'hang out'? Who don't say anything? Avoid. Who claim to want to date, but amazingly all their suggested dates end up at their house or yours? Avoid.

[candie13]

I don't do that either. I don't have sex with strangers and I am pretty good at avoiding men who multi date and have sex with strangers too. It's been a very long time since I've been anywhere close to the situations you are talking about.

 

*shrug* you asked me what my effing secret is for finding a relationship? That's what it is. Relationship oriented men looking for commitment don't do those things. They just don't.

 

The guys who wanna 'hang out'? Who don't say anything? Avoid. Who claim to want to date, but amazingly all their suggested dates end up at their house or yours? Avoid.

It takes time to figure them out. I dated a guy - 6 dates - and he became pushy about sex. It didn't happen - The guy "accidentally run into an ex". It was good fun, learnt a lot from it.

 

Maybe you have the superpower of reading men's minds, who knows. I was happy to be wined & dined, hoping for the best & expecting the worst.

[RedRobin]

I will field these questions from my perspective, as a guy. After 3-4 dates, hang outs, whatever, I usually still have no freaking clue what I want from that particular woman. IMO, that is the entire point of dating, to get to know one another. I have been in situations where I was not even thinking about a relationship...but then I met the right girl and all that crap changes. Some woman pushing a relationship on a guy she just met is not only unattractive, but kinda creepy.

 

But... You are not a relationship oriented guy. Who cares if you fell into one? I'm not playing the lottery with my vagina, thank you.

 

Point being, women who ARE relationship oriented should avoid the OP and avoid guys like you, no offense.

 

If she doesn't know what she wants, then fine. If you and I came across each other, I'd take 'no information' as my answer and walk. I'd still consider it douchy for not being upfront. Which you aren't being.

[candie13]

Nope. Because he doesn't really know that for sure. Funny things happen when men and women start to spend time together. I would not suggest anyone lie to a woman to get laid, I myself have never done so, but that doesn't mean someone should start making claims on date one, either.

 

I can guarantee you that any guy who tells a woman he wants a relationship right away, has sex with that woman, but decides she isn't right for him after all....will probably be called a lying douche.

it takes time. Him saying he wants a RS doesn't mean he wants a RS with her... That part is to be figured out. And sometimes, with or without sex, but with all The best intentions, things just don't click.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Please, do go back through my posts and find where I advised anyone to lead women on. Thanks.

 

OK:

 

OP:

Whats an effective way to say to someone that you want to date but not get into anything serious?

 

I just got out of a relationship and the last thing I want to do is to jump into another

 

 

You:

Why say anything at all? There is another thread on here right now talking about dumb crap men say that ruin their chances of getting laid.

 

Translation: Why tell a woman you do not want to get into a relationship? It will ruin your chances of getting laid.

[candie13]

But... You are not a relationship oriented guy. Who cares if you fell into one? I'm not playing the lottery with my vagina, thank you.

 

Point being, women who ARE relationship oriented should avoid the OP and avoid guys like you, no offense.

 

If she doesn't know what she wants, then fine. If you and I came across each other, I'd take 'no information' as my answer and walk. I'd still consider it douchy for not being upfront. Which you aren't being.

You are more than your vagina, You know ? And if you only think about protecting your vagina, you might attract men only thinking about getting into your vagina.

 

 

My key take out is that there are no rules & no playing safe. My sister met husband at a party & they ended up spending the weekend together. Dated for 5 years, after which he asked to marry her. He's 4-5 years younger. Makes no sense, but they had - and still have a fantastic chemistry.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Nope. Because he doesn't really know that for sure.

 

He said this:

 

Whats an effective way to say to someone that you want to date but not get into anything serious?

 

I just got out of a relationship and the last thing I want to do is to jump into another.

 

Sounds like he knows it for sure. In any case for the purposes of this thread we should take it at face value.

 

And a woman he's dating should have the chance to hear this from him. If she wants to take the chance that her fine self will sway him from his resolve that is up to her, but MOST smart women with a little experience under their belt will NOT hang around for this (if they're looking for a relationship themselves).

 

Yes, it will probably make it more challenging for him to get laid than if he just acted like the dating might possibly lead somewhere ... when he knows it won't.

 

There ARE women who like casual dating and sex, maybe a little harder to find them than the men, but at least he wants to be a stand up guy. Yay for the OP! :bunny:

[xxoo]

There is a personal responsibility to not assume a relationship based on actions, including dates and sex. Always make sure it's be discussed and is clear.

 

There is also a personal responsibility to not to suggest a relationship with actions, including dates and sex. Always make sure it's been discussed and is clear. Especially if you are concerned about avoiding a relationship, be very clear right from the outset. And understand that dating will interest in a relationship no matter what you say, so probably don't do it.

[RedRobin]

it takes time. Him saying he wants a RS doesn't mean he wants a RS with her... That part is to be figured out. And sometimes, with or without sex, but with all The best intentions, things just don't click.

 

I'd prefer with no sex with a guy who is not relationship oriented, thanks. Also prefer not going on 3 to 4 dates, then having him try to segue me into a FWB situation because that's where Sexy Talk wants to try and bin me or he finds relationships too scaaawy.

 

Anyway, we aren't talking about 20 something's here. Both the OP and Enigma are grown arse men. They know damn well what they want. And that's NSA sex on their terms as long as possible while they play the field... Preferably with women who aren't also playing the field so that they feel secure.

 

If they want casual sex, then it should be no problem finding women who want casual sex. No reason to be sneaky unless they are trying to get over.

[RedRobin]

You are more than your vagina, You know ? And if you only think about protecting your vagina, you might attract men only thinking about getting into your vagina.

 

 

My key take out is that there are no rules & no playing safe. My sister met husband at a party & they ended up spending the weekend together. Dated for 5 years, after which he asked to marry her. He's 4-5 years younger. Makes no sense, but they had - and still have a fantastic chemistry.

 

Three people won the powerball here in the U.S. last week too. I still don't play the lottery. ****ty odds.

[candie13]

OK:

 

OP:

 

 

You:

 

Translation: Why tell a woman you do not want to get into a relationship? It will ruin your chances of getting laid.

my experience was that interested men acted interested. It was NOT what they were saying but how they acted that separated the RS material men from f*ck buddy material. At the beginning It may go either way. He may ask for netflicks & chill or NOT. What really matters is how he behaves after You say no. Maybe he wants a RS but really really wants to sleep with you. Can't blame a guy for tryin'. If he falls from the face of the Earth after you turn him down.. You pretty much know.

 

It's behaviour, in my humble opinion.

[candie13]

Three people won the powerball here in the U.S. last week too. I still don't play the lottery. ****ty odds.

i'm not asking you to put out to get dates, honey, chill. Too many women tried to use sex to fish for bf for this OLD trick to ever happen. I'm just saying that there are no rules. I got an amazing BIL, i guess my sister won the proverbial lottery .

[xxoo]

From the point of view of the person not wanting to be deceived by an insincere guy (or girl), any inconsistency should be a sign. If the behaviors are attentive but the words are absent: beware. If the words are there by the behaviors are lacking: beware.

 

Basically, if a guy wants a relationship, expect him to be quite clear and consistent in both word and deed.

 

____________________________________________________________

 

From the point of view of the guy wanting to avoid a relationship, notice how on this thread both words and deeds can be interpreted as "relationship". Beware.

[RedRobin]

my experience was that interested men acted interested. It was NOT what they were saying but how they acted that separated the RS material men from f*ck buddy material. At the beginning It may go either way. He may ask for netflicks & chill or NOT. What really matters is how he behaves after You say no. Maybe he wants a RS but really really wants to sleep with you. Can't blame a guy for tryin'. If he falls from the face of the Earth after you turn him down.. You pretty much know.

 

It's behaviour, in my humble opinion.

 

See, there's the problem. If he'd suggest it with me (a stranger) he'd suggest it with lots of other women and has. Of course I blame him for trying. I don't want a guy who has no discretion and expects instant intimacy.

 

I don't have relationships with men who have a habit having sex with strangers. So if a guy suggested that early on, he'd be out. No second chances.

 

Maybe that's where things are off track. I give guys plenty of rope to hang themselves. As you suggest. He hung himself right there. A relationship oriented man wouldn't do that.

[candie13]

There is a personal responsibility to not assume a relationship based on actions, including dates and sex. Always make sure it's be discussed and is clear.

 

There is also a personal responsibility to not to suggest a relationship with actions, including dates and sex. Always make sure it's been discussed and is clear. Especially if you are concerned about avoiding a relationship, be very clear right from the outset. And understand that dating will interest in a relationship no matter what you say, so probably don't do it.

 

I don't understand, sorry. if you're not sleeping with him, he's seeing others, I'm seeing others. He wants sex, I say "not outside a commited RS". End of story. What's so much to be discussed, I don't understand ...

[xxoo]

I don't understand, sorry. if you're not sleeping with him, he's seeing others, I'm seeing others. He wants sex, I say "not outside a commited RS". End of story. What's so much to be discussed, I don't understand ...

 

If he's seeing others and you know that, it's quite clear (to me) that it's not a relationship.

 

But is he seeing others? And does he tell her if he is? That's where it gets less clear.

[candie13]

See, there's the problem. If he'd suggest it with me (a stranger) he'd suggest it with lots of other women and has. Of course I blame him for trying. I don't want a guy who has no discretion and expects instant intimacy.

 

I don't have relationships with men who have a habit having sex with strangers. So if a guy suggested that early on, he'd be out. No second chances.

 

Maybe that's where things are off track. I give guys plenty of rope to hang themselves. As you suggest. He hung himself right there. A relationship oriented man wouldn't do that.

perfect, I'll have those not RS oriented men who dared to suggest sex after 2 months of dating, got turned down but still stuck around after I said no, until I felt comfortable to trust him & until we had The exclusivity talk!

 

i don't judge men for having had sex outside RS & i do not consider them not RS worthy. I look at their RS past to judge that. If they had no serious RS, then yes, i won't date them.

[RedRobin]

I have been in a relationship with my GF for over 2 years now. I spent about 2 years single, but before that, I was with my ex wife for 6 years. Before her, I was with the same girl for 4 years. I guess I am just not the relationship type guy.

 

So? That proves what? That there are women who agree to a relationship with a guy who isn't relationship oriented? Good for you. As the guy pitching non communication, I guess there are women you could convince to be in a relationship with you that you could string along for quite awhile with that strategy.

[candie13]

If he's seeing others and you know that, it's quite clear (to me) that it's not a relationship.

 

But is he seeing others? And does he tell her if he is? That's where it gets less clear.

you have no information that you are The only one. So assume he is seeing others, of course. I act based on direct information that concerns me. For instance, him not seeing or not sleeping with others and offering exclusivity is one of The things that should be cleared out. Exclusivity should equal a RS. But again, he defines our interaction. Yes, when sex is involved, cards on the table.

[candie13]

So? That proves what? That there are women who agree to a relationship with a guy who isn't relationship oriented? Good for you. As the guy pitching non communication, I guess there are women you could convince to be in a relationship with you that you could string along for quite awhile with that strategy.

Can I get them ? I even take non virgins !

[xxoo]

you have no information that you are The only one. So assume he is seeing others, of course. I act based on direct information that concerns me. For instance, him not seeing or not sleeping with others and offering exclusivity is one of The things that should be cleared out. Exclusivity should equal a RS. But again, he defines our interaction. Yes, when sex is involved, cards on the table.

 

 

But this thread isn't about avoiding men who are not relationship oriented.

 

It's about being the non-relationship oriented man, and how to avoid a relationship. If he really wants to avoid any misunderstandings, it's not good enough to assume that the woman thinks like you. He is concerned about misunderstandings, so he needs to be clear from the first date--"I'm not looking for a relationship", not just when sex is on the table.

[katiegrl]

But if he KNOWS he doesn't want to have a relationship, but just to have casual fun, WHY would you prefer to find this out on the 4th date rather than sooner?? :eek:

 

Maybe I am missing something...but how would he KNOW he wants a RL with a particular woman unless and until he dates her awhile?

 

I know guys (not any I have dated, but one of my brothers who is now happily married, and friends of my ex's) who were not looking for a RL per se (and told the women that)...but were open to it.... IF they met the "right" woman.

 

They dated a ton, mostly casual, but then met the "right" woman, the women they fell in love with... and went on to enter into a RL with her.

 

Two of those men, including my brother, are now happily married to those women.

 

I think it's important to remain flexible.... and open to the various changes and nuances that happen after two people and begin dating.

 

The same guy who was not looking for a relationship, upon meeting the right woman for him...may very well change his mind and want a RL with her.

 

Feelings are fluid, always changing.... and much of it depends upon the person you are dating....how you feel about that particular person.... and your connection with that particular person.

 

Rigidity has no place in dating OR a relationship.

 

Stay open, stay flexible. Trust in the process.

 

This attitude has always worked for me.

 

If after dating a while, you discover the guy (or gal) is NOT what you're looking for or seeking, then move on.

 

But if you click, for heaven's sake give it a chance. Does not mean you have to have sex with him.... but date him for awhile.. see how it plays out.

 

If he's not for you...then again move on.

 

I don't understand these rigid attitudes....arghh, what a turn off.

 

JMO

Edited January 26, 2016 by katiegrl