Husband does not support my career and education

[Terrible situation]

At this point, while I am typing this, I know for sure I am not giving up this time. I really need help in understanding this situation that has arisen in my marriage. Since Day 1 my husband has been opposed to me working. His reason initially was that we are trying to have a baby. Our baby is now 1.5 years old and I am wanting to get back to education and working part time but I am facing hell.

 

As it is, my husband provides no support with respect to my career or education. Finally a few months back I did not care anymore and continued to work hard, only for him to have a long debate and fight until 5 am this morning. Every time something's going better in my life, he makes it a point to have a huge fight, then apologize the next day saying he was having a severe 'headache', 'leg pain' or some other 'pain'. He has used pain as a reason for long fights almost every time. This time the reason was 'chest pain'. How can it be a coincidence each time? It's definitely starting to look like an excuse to me.

 

I support him fully for his work or any other dream he has.. In fact, I always help him with work, presentations, preparation for important meetings etc. But he never provides even a fraction of the support that I provide him. I know that people should do things without expecting anything in return, but it is affecting me a lot that he doesn't think of my career and education the way I think about his.

 

A few years back, he lost his job and wanted to do business. We invested $10000 as initial capital, I worked along with him for 13-14 hours a day and then he gave up and moved on. Then he wanted to do something else, we invested $6000 and he gave up again. Then we ended up losing almost $500k in the stock market because of his bad decisions. He just wouldn't listen when I told him how to navigate around the stock and we ended up losing all that money. All this has made me even stronger to pursue a career and education and support my family financially. With all the money lost, I am especially concerned about our son's future. I want to provide my child a secure future by contributing financially. Is that so wrong?

 

I have done everything that people do in order to garner support from their family to pursue their education and career. I only want to support my family and help in contributing financially, so why is my husband so opposed to it??? Why would any man do this? Shouldn't he be happy? Instead he sabotages my every effort. I cannot wrap my head around it. Any advice would be very helpful.

[dreamingoftigers]

Because he's one of "those guys" that has to be " in charge" of the domestic setup and finances.

 

Those guys often suck at both.

 

But the way, my father often had "hurting feet" and they've remortgaged twice.

 

In the immortal words of my boss "this marriage is a team and I'm the Captain, if she doesn't want to follow the team dynamics then she's " off the team.""

His last wife "left the team" after he cheated on her, but according to him "the marriage was already over."

 

This is going to be a long-term conflict unless you can somehow convince your husband that you are a living, breathing human-being with your own wants, needs, desires, dreams and aspirations I stead of just a wife-appliance. Good luck with that.

[dreamingoftigers]

Furthermore, if he was so concerned about a parent being home for baby-time, he could have easily been that parent.

 

My husband did that for a time and it worked very well. He is generally an attentive father. (Actually he ISvan attentive father, I am just really pissed off at him this morning / unrelated).

 

It's 2016, he could figure it out without trying to subjugate you and make excuses.

[BlueIris]

It isn’t wrong at all to want to work and succeed. Keep doing it!

 

Recognize that he will sabotage you. You've seen how he goes about it, so when he starts, deflect his efforts. I know, easier said than done, but don’t allow him to derail you. Come up with some mantra or detachment mechanism when he tries to mess with you. So, if he tries to fight with you into the night, tell him you have to go to bed and that you’ll think about what he’s saying. Sleep in another room if you have to. Try to be calm and nice about it, but don't let him pull you off course mentally or emotionally.

 

This is going to be a long-term conflict unless you can somehow convince your husband that you are a living, breathing human-being with your own wants, needs, desires, dreams and aspirations I stead of just a wife-appliance. Good luck with that.

 

Yeah, could be! I like how you put that.

[TX-SC]

I feel like I just time warped to 1950. You have just as much right to a good career as he does. Honestly, it just sounds like you are married to an a-hole. I hope I'm wrong and I mean no disrespect.

 

If he will not change, consider divorce as an option. Don't let him ruin your career and THEN divorce.

 

My wife is a professional and makes more than I do. I do half of the housework and we both work. It's only fair.

[dreamingoftigers]

I feel like I just time warped to 1950. You have just as much right to a good career as he does. Honestly, it just sounds like you are married to an a-hole. I hope I'm wrong and I mean no disrespect.

 

If he will not change, consider divorce as an option. Don't let him ruin your career and THEN divorce.

 

My wife is a professional and makes more than I do. I do half of the housework and we both work. It's only fair.

 

I lived in a small town in Saskatchewan for a couple of years that was stuck in a time-warp.

 

I'll never forget one of the teacher's daughters saying how much she appreciated her boyfriend because he "let her work." And she was a heavy equipment mechanic. Something she worked at for years and apprenticed for etc.

 

Weirdest, most awful place I ever lived. The people there just couldn't understand why I was working full-time in town when my husband was already working full-time.

 

But what can you expect when the owners of the gas station won't open the pumps when American Idol is on.

[BlueIris]

I feel like I just time warped to 1950. You have just as much right to a good career as he does. Honestly, it just sounds like you are married to an a-hole. I hope I'm wrong and I mean no disrespect.

 

If he will not change, consider divorce as an option. Don't let him ruin your career and THEN divorce.

 

My wife is a professional and makes more than I do. I do half of the housework and we both work. It's only fair.

 

My exH was like that too but I don’t think it's sexist. He just has to be the biggest fish in any pond, the most successful, the most impressive, the star, or he gets sulky or jealous. He's lost or given up lots of friends and colleagues because of it. He even sulked about and ignored our kids’ accomplishments for a long time! Now he grudgingly acknowledges their successes. Sometimes. When he's had a drink.

[turnera]

Read this book and come back and tell us if he fits. It's a fair bet he doesn't support you because he's insecure and wants to ensure that you are totally dependent on him. That way, you can't see 'what else' is out there, that you might leave him for.

 

You can search for an online version, too, if you want to get started today.

 

But bottom line, you have to stop letting him define you. My controlling husband talked me out of taking my antidepressants (that I needed because of him), because he felt it made HIM look bad. So I stopped.

 

Don't be that woman. Every therapist you could go to would tell you one thing: stop letting him dictate YOUR future. He should be supporting you, loving you, wanting YOU to be happy. Not stopping you and not supporting you. That's not love; that's control.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I can see a few reasons her husband may not be supportive:

 

1. The way you are approaching the issue puts him on the defensive. In your post, you brought up a few examples where his "bad decisions" led to your family losing money. Is it possible he feels emasculated by the reasons you provide for wanting to work? Many men are sensitive about being able to be he provider... maybe he is hurt that hes not living up to his/ your expectations and is lashing out? He way hes hading it is obviously not mature, but if thats the case, perhaps reassuring him that you think he is a good provider, and you want a career for you, would help.

 

2. His expectation was that you would stay at home to take care of the kids, and now that seems to be changing. Is this something you discussed before marriage? Everyone in this thread seems so offended that some women would choose to stay at home, but in fact, thats a private choice you should make as a family. I dont think you need to be in a time warp to see many benefits to having one stay at home parent, if you can afford it. However, it seems like thats not something you are interested in. What is your husband's perspective?

 

3. He really wants to control you by keeping you dependent on him. Only you can figure out if his motives are shady.