My BIGGEST regret is not establishing relationships with girls in my teens

[clia]

It was superficial THEN. But what if you could reunite with someone from your adolescence/childhood and be just as happy if not happier than with the person you are with now? With one, you get to experience your youth and adulthood versus the other you only get to experience the adulthood piece. Wouldn't you naturally have feelings for that one where you got to experience that youth with, especially if you knew you could be just as happy if not happier? And if that is not the case now...how do you know 10 or so years down the line that childhood sweetheart of yours wouldn't become the best person ever? You wouldn't know.

 

What if, what if, what if...

 

What if you could reunite with someone from your adolescence/childhood and they turned out to be a total loser?

 

What if you could reunite with someone from your adolescence/childhood and they turned out to be a drug addict?

 

What if you could reunite with someone from your adolescence/childhood and they turned out to be the worst person ever?

 

You keep ignoring the other side of this and insisting that it will only go one way. As everyone on this entire site has pointed out to you, that's not the way it works.

[clia]

My best friend fell madly in love with her high school boyfriend. They had sex - both of their first times. After that, he told all his friends and they told more friends and suddenly she was the "loose" girl at school.

 

What a sweet story. I bet she really yearns to be back with her first love.

 

Ha...that reminds me...one of the guys I dated in high school made up a story that we started to have sex but I was on my period and he was grossed out. He told everyone and it wasn't even true!

 

God, I wonder if he's still available! It would be so sweet to dump my husband to reunite with such a wonderful guy.

[GunslingerRoland]

But what if you could reunite with someone from your adolescence/childhood and be just as happy if not happier than with the person you are with now?

 

 

But this a huge leap... it`s hard to find a great relationship in the first place. The theoretical of finding another great relationship with someone you used to date, is fine, but 99% of the time, those wouldn`t be great relationships. So why are you dwelling on the 1% case?

 

 

No one is arguing with you that in theory it is sweet for a couple to reunite and live happily ever after. But it's just one of many paths to a happy relationship.

 

 

Great relationship is the goal, the path to get their may be more or less, cute or sweet or make a better story, but the bottom line is the relationship at the end is what really matters.

 

 

And you actively choose, to avoid looking for a great relationship of your own, and instead pine for a great relationship with a cute story that you can't achieve. And to top it off, you try to convince others that ARE in great relationships that they should leave those relationships to try and achieve the same fairy tale story you are obsessed with...

[BlueIris]

What if, what if, what if...

 

What if you could reunite with someone from your adolescence/childhood and they turned out to be a total loser?

 

What if you could reunite with someone from your adolescence/childhood and they turned out to be a drug addict?

 

What if you could reunite with someone from your adolescence/childhood and they turned out to be the worst person ever?

 

You keep ignoring the other side of this and insisting that it will only go one way. As everyone on this entire site has pointed out to you, that's not the way it works.

 

That's right and I wonder why.

Why do you want to keep believing something that upsets you when it's wrong?

Do you want to be upset?

Are you using this wrong belief to avoid something or as an excuse for something?

[loverage21]

But this a huge leap... it`s hard to find a great relationship in the first place. The theoretical of finding another great relationship with someone you used to date, is fine, but 99% of the time, those wouldn`t be great relationships. So why are you dwelling on the 1% case?

 

 

No one is arguing with you that in theory it is sweet for a couple to reunite and live happily ever after. But it's just one of many paths to a happy relationship.

 

 

Great relationship is the goal, the path to get their may be more or less, cute or sweet or make a better story, but the bottom line is the relationship at the end is what really matters.

 

 

And you actively choose, to avoid looking for a great relationship of your own, and instead pine for a great relationship with a cute story that you can't achieve. And to top it off, you try to convince others that ARE in great relationships that they should leave those relationships to try and achieve the same fairy tale story you are obsessed with...

 

There is actually a 78 percent successful reuniting rate for those who get back together with their first loves later in life. Studies show they can pick up right where they left off.

 

I mean, you got to experience your childhood with that person.

[Bobbi7]

So much irony about how you just posted that you couldn`t get a date because you were a plain jane, and yet you talk about being able to be yourself while dating as a teenager.

 

 

Teenage dating is all about the superficial. The car you drove (or even having a car at all) was a huge factor, your access to money (whether you made it or whether it was from the parents), how popular you were. It was very superficial.

 

 

Às long as two popular people got together it didn`t matter how much they had in common as real people, it was a good couple because it fit in with the crowd and it looked good.

 

Well, when I had a crush on a guy in high school I didn't care about what car he drove-I wouldn't have cared if he drove a Volvo station wagon, if he had a ****ty car, that impressed me. I didn't care about if he worked at burger king either. Or if he lived in a big house. I didn't look into those factors. You're talking about the jocks and cheerleaders, not the rest of the population. Now, I'm as shallow as ever as an adult! Read my Volvo Station wagon thread.

[ufo8mycat]

 

I mean, you got to experience your childhood with that person.

 

So what?

 

I don't care much to revisit my childhood.

 

My high school boyfriend that I was desperately in love is now a total loser (and probably was then too).

 

So IF my teenage boyfriend was a totally different person to the one he actually is today then your theory might hold some weight.

[lana-banana]

There is actually a 78 percent successful reuniting rate for those who get back together with their first loves later in life.

 

I'm a data junkie so I had to look up the study you cited. The 78% (actually 72%; six percent reunited but later broke up with their partner) comes from a first study in 1993 of just 1,001 couples. When she did a repeat study in 2005 the number dropped to 56%, and of those couples, only 5% actually married. Not what I'd call happily ever after.

 

And most importantly:

 

Not everyone has a lost love. Dr. Nancy Kalish surveyed 1,600 random people who had no idea she was a reunion researcher. The vast majority had never tried and didn't even want to contemplate a reunion with their first loves. In fact, three-quarters said they were not interested. Some even wrote comments like, ``Hell, no! Who would want to do that?'' in the margins of the survey.

[loverage21]

So what?

 

I don't care much to revisit my childhood.

 

My high school boyfriend that I was desperately in love is now a total loser (and probably was then too).

 

So IF my teenage boyfriend was a totally different person to the one he actually is today then your theory might hold some weight.

 

So if your first boyfriend was not a loser today and you knew you could be just as happy if not happier with him, wouldn't you naturally have more feelings towards him?

[ufo8mycat]

So if your first boyfriend was not a loser today and you knew you could be just as happy if not happier with him, wouldn't you naturally have more feelings towards him?

 

No. It also isn't anyway rooted in fact because he IS a looser. If he wasn't... well he would be some one else all together. I wouldn't naturally have more feelings towards him. I could not move on from my teenage years, home town and the people there fast enough and I have zero desire to romanticise it.

 

You seem to be reluctant to make connections between how people were in high school and how they ARE today.

 

You also seem to consistently overlook that no one KNOWS if they could be happy or happier with someone. I am recently separated and I didn't get married thinking yeah.. this will do. This was the love of my life. I thought we were going to travel australia in a camper van as grey nomads.

 

I am 36 and starting again. Which while isn't how I planned my future it is full of opportunity

 

A boyfriend from my high school who were all destined to work at the local car factory, have two kids and a house in the burbs, punch cones and drink beam and coke around a fire in a 44 gallon drum isn't a step forward for me.

Edited January 29, 2016 by ufo8mycat

[basil67]

So if your first boyfriend was not a loser today and you knew you could be just as happy if not happier with him, wouldn't you naturally have more feelings towards him?

 

How does one *know* that they could be happy or even happier with them if they aren't interested in trying? Why would one even bother trying with a first love who it didn't work out with?

 

I am in contact with my first boyfriend who I dated in the early 80's. He's not a loser, but I have zero desire to date him again. And I'm sure he feels the same about me (not withstanding that we're both happily married to other people)

[basil67]

loverage21, I must say how disappointed I am that you've gone back to this fruitless cycle. I thought you'd started to move past it.

 

You know how you regret not dating in high school? One day, you're going to very much regret losing these years to this crazy obsession. And then you'll still be writing your regrets on a messageboard (or whatever technology they have then)

 

How's your therapy going?

[loverage21]

How does one *know* that they could be happy or even happier with them if they aren't interested in trying? Why would one even bother trying with a first love who it didn't work out with?

 

I am in contact with my first boyfriend who I dated in the early 80's. He's not a loser, but I have zero desire to date him again. And I'm sure he feels the same about me (not withstanding that we're both happily married to other people)

 

It probably didn't work out because you were 16, 17, or 18 years old when you broke up. But let's say later down the road you run into each other and find out he or she has changed and has become s better person. You know that if you got back together you would be just as happy if not happier than you are with your current SO.

 

But you decide to stay with your current SO because you are already in a relationship (status), but would you deep down inside have more love (feelings for) that teen/first love?

[GunslingerRoland]

There is actually a 78 percent successful reuniting rate for those who get back together with their first loves later in life. Studies show they can pick up right where they left off.

 

I mean, you got to experience your childhood with that person.

 

 

That number is skewed by the fact that those are 78% of people that intentionally decided to get back together with their ex. Obviously most of the reasons people wouldn`t get back with their ex, they would never even try.

 

 

And again, I don`t even care to keep in touch with most of the friends I had in childhood. I don`t see what is so special about having a significant other from that time period.

 

 

I mean if I had met my wife just a few years earlier when we were in high school, that would be great. I'd have spent more time with her, but that is because of who she is, and what our relationship is, that it sounds appealing to me.

[Revolver]

When I hear people recount experiences of their own sexual/romantic escapades when they were in high school and college, I have a hard time not feeling a little jealous of their experience. I feel like I missed out on their "young love" experience and it messes with me a little.

 

Intellectually, I know this is dumb. Everybody's life is different and you can't compare yourself to other people that way, but emotionally it can be tough to deal with sometimes.

[Rejected Rosebud]

loverage. You ask over and over again, "what if you KNEW you could be just as happy or happier with your first love if you were with them today?"

 

ALL the people who participate in your threads say "THAT MEANS NOTHING TO ME," in so many words, anyway.

 

Why don't you listen to what people say?

[loverage21]

loverage. You ask over and over again, "what if you KNEW you could be just as happy or happier with your first love if you were with them today?"

 

ALL the people who participate in your threads say "THAT MEANS NOTHING TO ME," in so many words, anyway.

 

Why don't you listen to what people say?

 

But in reality, are we really falling in love with the relationship rather than the person?

[neowulf]

Because I am caught in a delimma. A bad spot.

 

If you could spend both your innocent days and adult days with someone and have a great bond, wouldnt you have more feelings for that person versus someone you didn't spend your innocent days with?

 

You're caught in a bad spot, but it's not because of the reason you think.

 

You're caught in an obsessive loop about this. You're fixated on the idea that people can only ever *really* love ONCE in their lives.

 

That the first time they experience love is the ONLY time they'll really ever experience it. That everyone else that comes later is just second best. A compromise.

 

People have told you this isn't the case. They've told you in different ways, with different voices and different stories.

 

The problem is not the answers you're receiving. It's your inability to simply accept it.

 

Getting the same answers over and over won't change you. You need something deeper than this forum can realistically provide you.

[Rejected Rosebud]

But in reality, are we really falling in love with the relationship rather than the person?

Heck no. YOU, on the other hand, are completely in love with a romantic ideal you have and it has nothing to do with ANY person.