Separating after only 4 months of marriage!

[JenniferG]

Hello everyone!

 

My husband and I got married just 4 short months ago. We are currently taking a break from our relationship. We have 2 kids together and life was just miserable. We were fighting constantly, living as if we were roommates, we were both incredibly unhappy, and just didn't feel the same way about each other. We kind of rushed the wedding and thought maybe that would help, of course it didn't. We didn't want to keep fighting in front of the kids and making them suffer as well. It's only been a week but I personally feel so much happier. I'm not worried about what his attitude will be when he walks through the door, i'm no longer walking on eggshells, i'm not living this miserable life like before. And we are actually communicating and getting along so much better. We've talked about this possibly becoming permanent, and how if we were to do this now we would keep it as friendly and non-stressful as possible. We don't want to keep going this way and end up resenting each other down the road. My issue right now is that I feel so happy, but he's having a harder time than me. I kind of feel this weight lifted off me because i'm not crying on a daily basis anymore or feeling completely stressed out. Would it be wrong to just end it now? We've tried working on things so it's not just a matter of "giving up". I honestly feel like we would be better apart from each other and just remaining close friends. Any input would be much appreciated!!

 

Jen

[Downtown]

Jen, welcome to LoveShack. I'm sorry you both have had such troubles. If you feel comfortable doing so, it would be helpful if you would provide more details about your situation. That way, we can provide more meaningful responses. For example, are you both in your early twenties? Who started most of the fighting? Was it over jealousy or other issues? Is your H verbally abusive? Were there several breakups/makeups prior to your marriage?

[PegNosePete]

My issue right now is that I feel so happy, but he's having a harder time than me.

How is that your issue? His happiness is his issue.

 

I honestly feel like we would be better apart from each other and just remaining close friends

Do you really feel as though you can be "close friends"? Just a sentence before that, you said you were crying on a daily basis and feeling completely stressed out. Can you handle being close friends with someone who, just a short while ago, made you feel that way? I know I certainly couldn't.

 

Maybe one day in the future when emotions have calmed down, but not now. Polite acquaintances, sure, for the kids sake. But close friends, no way.

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband and I got married just 4 short months ago. We are currently taking a break from our relationship. We have 2 kids together and life was just miserable. We were fighting constantly, living as if we were roommates, we were both incredibly unhappy, and just didn't feel the same way about each other. We kind of rushed the wedding and thought maybe that would help, of course it didn't.

 

I'm curious as to how you've identified marriage as the problem? With 2 kids together, I'll assume you're been a couple for a while, what's changed in the last 4 months?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Poppyolive]

Why were you crying daily?

 

 

No kidding. This is a weight lifted off your shoulders. Take one step at a time. If he's having a harder time, let him be. Allow him to have his time, feelings, tears, etc. You can't do it for him and you can't be the one to help him feel better. You do you and he'll do him. Then you can look at down the road. How you will co parent etc. If he's not feeling great about this, sorting your roles out will be too stressful. But, there is also the possibility of him getting angry and make things difficult/ awkward, because he is feeling hurt. And that is why I asked why you cried daily?

 

Your kids should be both of your priorities now. Take care of yourself. He will hopefully fall into place when he has grasped the changes.

[ASG]

I'm curious as to how you've identified marriage as the problem? With 2 kids together, I'll assume you're been a couple for a while, what's changed in the last 4 months?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Nothing. As per the OP, they rushed the wedding in hopes it would magically cure the relationship. They were having problems before.

[whichwayisup]

How old are your kids?

 

Before you go rushing off to divorce, go to marriage counseling/couples therapy. You both owe to your children to TRY to make it work.

 

Do you actually "love" him as a husband or is he just comfortable and safe?

[oldshirt]

We need background info and info on what's been happening that has made this situation so bad.

 

 

- ages?

 

 

- how long together?

 

 

- ages of children?

 

 

- what is the problem(s) Any abuse, alcohol/drug abuse, infidelity, abandonment etc?

 

 

-what have you don't to try to fix it?

 

 

- did that help?

 

 

- any medical or mental health issues?

 

 

We need more information and need to know what is going on that is making it so bad. If he is chaining you upside down in the basement and torturing you and killing kittens infront of you and the kids that is one thing and would justify exiting the marriage.

 

 

But if he is a good, decent person that treats you well but you are in an affair with someone at work, that is a whole other story.

 

 

The devil is in the details here so please give some honest background and what the situation is.

[Brady375]

They say advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer and wish you didn't.

In order to make a marriage to work two people have to be willing to put the work in.

I have read what you wrote and what I will say is that IF you are getting Along so much better now that your seperated Why change that at the moment. Why go and get divorced. You made a life long commitment to getting married and have kids. Maybe you guys should stay seperated for quite a while and see how that goes and while doing that going to marriage counseling together. That may not be what you want to hear and you may want to end it here and now which would be Easier to Do. But doing the easy thing and the right thing usually are never the same. In the end you or him or the both of you may decide that for yourselves and Your Kids that there is No way you can reconcile. But if anything you and ur husband Owe it to your kids to Work it out and see If there's any chance you can provide a healthy two parent home.

Also there is no perfect person for anyone.....every long term relationship you find yourself in will sour at times ESP a Life Long one. The key factors are simple to me and usually apply to Most relationships ESP when kids are involved. are Both people willing to work at it. Are both people committed to eachother; no cheating, no substance abuse. If so a lot of the were miserable we argue there is no chemistry no passion can be worked on. If these are the sole reasons you divorce or reasons similar to it you May find yourself in the same circumstances in any other Long term relationship you find yourself in in the future.

Finally I don't live your daily life. I am only writing things so that you ask yourself Some questions. Maybe look at things from a diff angle. Devils advocate type thing. Good luck. Ultimately you have to decide. No One can give you permission to divorce. It would be unwise to pass off that responsibly to anyone else. You have to own it.