Coping with my wife's possible infidelity

[Erratic]

This was actually part of another thread but it was recommended to me that I start a new thread for better response.

 

My wife and I have been having problems for a few years, admittedly I share equally in the blame. However, in January my wife went on a trip with out me for a few days and met someone. I found out about it a week after she got back. When I confronted her she very adamantly denied anything had happened. I had no reason to doubt her since she openly told me about everything they did after I found out. She continued to talk to the guy over the phone and by email on a daily basis. Most of which was via cell phone and work email and I rarely new about it. After receiving the phone bill a few weeks later and finding out how much they were actually talking I confronted her again. This time it turned into an argument which ended with braking both my hands punching a wall. *yes I'm an idiot for this* In case your wondering I have never physically abused my wife or any one else for that matter with the exception of maybe myself. I may have a hard time controlling my anger but it is rare that it comes to such an act of violence as this. Besides 10 minutes before breaking my hands I found out my wife was probably having an affair. While sitting in the emergency room with a friend that drove me I realized I had a serious issue with anger management that needed to be addressed. Over the next 12 weeks I was in and out of doctors offices and therapy (physical and mental). My wife was staying at a friends house and I was doing everything I could to work out the problems I have and our relationship has.

 

During the past 6 months we have experienced an emotional roller-coaster that has left both of us feeling alone and miserable. She continued to talk to this guy and I continued to beg her to stop. She refused to go to marriage counseling with me and admitted to not giving me a fair chance to prove to her that I wanted our marriage to work and that I could change. Recently I had decided that I was ready to give up, there is only so much you can take of your wife rejecting you physically and emotionally. Her feelings for the OM turned to love and were mutual, I know this because she told me.

 

Now that I have told her I want a divorce she is ready to go to marriage counseling and ready to come home. She is willing to stop talking to him but has not at this point. The problem with this is that I am ready to move on, I have not found someone else but would rather be alone and happy then married and miserable. She feels that I should give her a second chance when in fact I begged everyday for 4 months for her to stop talking to him and give us a try. Is it unfair of me to not give her a chance? I am still willing to go to marriage counseling but it is simply to see if anything is still salvageable in our relationship, which I do not feel there is.

 

Shortly after my decision to get divorced I was cleaning and discovered a journal in which she wrote about her feelings for this guy and how most of the crying was because she could not be with him and not about how our relationship was ending. There was a lot of things in this journal that I was unaware of, and now I am convinced that she had sex with him in January on her trip and she met him at some point after the trip and I can only speculate that they had sex again. The journal does not explicitly state they had sex but makes many references that IMO can only mean sex. For example she stated that she felt she was nothing more then another notch in his belt, that he should not have been thinking with his penis the night they met, and that she regrets giving him what he wanted. To my surprise this did not make me terribly mad or upset, in fact it made me feel as if my decision was the right thing to do.

 

I guess to try and wrap this up I am curious as to what other people's opinions are. I would be happy talk to people more about this and I in no way am looking for someone else to make my decision. I am concerned that if I give her another chance that I will never be able to forgive her for this and that she will get fed up and want to leave before I feel that I could ever trust her again. I struggle with trust issues and find it hard to let go of things and fear that I may make her unhappy again later in life and that she will do something similar again.

 

Thank you for listening and any advice you may be able to provide.

[Erratic]

A response from where I originally posted and my response.

 

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

I don't think she deserves another chance, and you don't deserve the pain giving it to her will cause. She has expressed no remorse and is in denial. She is making it all about you. For counselling to work she has to be upfront and honest, she has to have no contact with the guy ever again (no email, no instant messaging, nothing), she has to accept your anger and sadness, she has to accept responsibility for causing this. She hasn't done any of that. In many ways it sounds like she is settling for you. You are her second choice. Hell she didn't even wanna go to couselling until you were threatening divorce. She only wants to work on it now because she doesn't want to lose you and him. If she had her way she'd have both of you.

 

I say file for divorce, kick her to the curb, find a loving beautiful woman who can appreciate you, and let her suffer the pain she deserves. I applaud you for working on your anger issues and trying to fix you. This will aid you a great deal in your next relationship. That also shows why it can't work between you two, she blames you for everything and accepts no responsibility, you accept responsibility and fix the things that need to be fixed. She caused most of this and you're the only one willing to fix any of it. I say the best thing that could happen to you is having this horrible woman out of your life.

 

I don't think this is entirely true, my wife has expressed remorse, granted I feel it simply as a reaction to my decision. Even though I feel that she was in the wrong, I can not, with a clear conscious say that this is all her fault. It takes two people to have a successful or unsuccessful relationship. I have excepted my share of the blame as best as possible and I found help. My wife on the other hand has not done much to make any changes, but in her defense she is more then willing to do whatever it takes to fix our relationship, now. I agree that it feels like she is settling for me and that I am her second choice. This would be yet another problem I struggle to see past. If I meant so much to her she would have stopped talking to him in January or February, or March, April, May, I'm sure you get the point.

 

Everyone has faults and I am in no way perfect, nor is she. I love my wife and would do anything for her even now after what has happened I will be there for her if she needs me, but only as a friend.

 

So this does not appear as a problem I played no part in I would like to explain a little more about what led to the events in January. Prior to the aforementioned problems, I struggled with our relationship for about 2 years, maybe longer. I was distant, emotionally unavailable and had no real interest in my wife or anybody else. We would have days where we were both happy and nothing felt more perfect. However there were times when it took every thing I had not to walk out. My marriage was a vicious cycle, we would get along for a few weeks then slowly start to drift apart, having small disagreements occasionally. As the disagreements became more frequent they turn to arguments, eventually leading to an all out raging battle that would last for hours. We would say mean spiteful things to each other, lots of crying, shouting, and finger pointing. These fights would usually last long into the morning and we always resolved the problem before going to sleep. Then the cycle would start over, everything was great, we got along well wanted to be together, but it slowly faded once again. This cycle is what started it all and I played a major role in it by not being able to communicate with her. I was always afraid that I would hurt her feelings or make her upset and thought that if I deal with it on my own or ignore it, that it would go away.

 

Since January I now know that I was wrong and that clear communication is a necessity in a good relationship. But I'm not sure if me being able to communicate with her now is going to save our marriage. No matter how much I communicate it is not going to make me trust her or feel that emotional connection that we once had so long ago.

 

During the years that I was having issues, my wife did try very hard to make me see what was happening and she became very discouraged by my actions. Eventually she began to stop trying and started spending less time with me. Toward the end of last year I asked if she was going to leave me and we had a long discussion about how unhappy we both were. By this point neither one of us really did that much to resolve the issues we were having. It took what happened on her trip for me to come to the realization that I wanted to stay married. This would be about where my original post would pick up. I didn't know about the OM for a week after her trip and only had her word to go on as to what happened between them. Now it's her word to me against her words in a private journal and I don't see why she would write something that was not true, but I can see why she would lie to my face.

[jmargel]

Why all of a sudden does she want to try counseling? Before this happened, what kind of problems were you two having? Forgiviness and rebuilding trust is a very, very hard thing to do. Question is, do you love her still? If you do, then rebuilding that is possible. Forgetting what she did would even be harder. This isn't something that's going to be solved in a few weeks. Be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster if you stay with it.

 

However not is all bad. You love her for the good she possess. Being lied to, betrayed and rejected are a hard thing to swallow especially by the woman who's suppose to love you for the rest of your life. No one here should tell you what to do. Just remember that you are still harboring alot of resentment towards her and I believe maybe you are basing your decision on that? If so that's the wrong reason to not continue to try to rebuild the relationship. IMO when the love is gone that's when it's time to move on.

 

If she cheated in January that will come out in the counseling, everything will. More importantly she will really feel the pain she inflicted on you and realize that what she has for this other guy is not love, it's an infactuation. True love is a sustaining love and that's something they don't have for each other.

 

I struggled with our relationship for about 2 years, maybe longer. I was distant, emotionally unavailable and had no real interest in my wife or anybody else.

 

Well that probably explains why she sought what she was missing from you, in someone else. Imagine the resentment she has for being rejected all those years? She didn't have the affair to get back at you, she had it because she was missing something extremely important in her life. She thought she could fill that void elsewhere because she had no other option. Yet we all know that doesn't work.

 

You two have major communication problems, and that I believe this is the result of all this going on. Counseling will allow you two to communicate better. You are not just giving her the chance to save the marrage, she is giving you the chance as well. Personally if I was in your shoes I think I would owe it to myself and her to try it.

[Owl]

At this point, you need to decide what YOU want to do. Don't worry about her, worry about yourself.

 

If you decide that you want to work on your marriage, then get to a counselor...preferably one to do marriage counseling, and one to help each of you individually. Make sure that the marriage counseling has a background in dealing and HELPING marriages that have suffered from infidelity. Start setting some BOUNDARIES, for both of you. Counseling can help you define these. Recognize that it takes HARD work, and a lot of time to recover from something like this. But it can be done, if both of you are willing to put in the effort needed.

 

If you decide to end the marriage, then do so now. Don't make her wait to figure out what you're going to do...make up your mind and take action.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

I'm gonna suggest that you read DazednConfused's thread. It's long but I do think that it could help you and shed some light on how to handle things with your wife. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

Your wife isn't thinking clearly. She's still addicted to the feelings this OM gave her. That excitement, new crush-like feeling. That isn't love, that's LUST. It's attraction and can become borderline obsession. Unhealthy.

 

You two have a history together, a marriage, friends, family etc...Memories.

 

OK it seems there were problems in the marriage beforehand, as long as YOU know that it's not YOUR FAULT that she went outside the marriage. She could have come forward and discussed it then or asked to go to councilling to work it out. That was HER choice, her mistake to make to allow an affair to happen, not you.

 

She wants the marriage back because she felt the consquence of her actions - She cheated and you wanted out. She saw what she was about to lose and decided to end it with this OM. Now she needs to do NO CONTACT with him, she has to give you her email password and allow you access to anything you want so she WILL not be tempted to contact him. She has to make it up to you by allowing you to feel secure and eventually then with alot of work that trust can be rebuilt.

 

Right now you're so emotional and making a final decision isn't right. Maybe separating for a while, but don't file for a Divorce until the marriage can be possibly fixed through marriage councilling.

 

Is this OM married? A choice you can make is telling HIS wife what happened, that way there will not be contact for sure between the two of them. Just food for thought...

 

She needs to seek one on one councilling for herself, as do you. She cannot cry on your shoulder about this OM, letting go and ridding her feelings for him. Once she can get past that point, her thinking pattern will change. As I said earlier, she is NOT thinking straight right now. Unless she can completely see wtf she's done, show the remorse and work her tail off and make this up to you - then hopefully she'll be more of the person you feel is your wife. Do you know what I'm saying?

 

Hang in there, keep posting and read Thumbingmyways thread as well as the above by DazednConfused.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. She says she wants another chance but continues to contact this guy. I think that says it all. She is a cakewoman who wants to stay in a marriage and continue to be with this guy. She did not even have the decency to get checked for STD's.

If she was truly serious she would have absolute no contact with this guy and be checked. The bottom line is that you seem to be the doorprize. If the roles were reversed and you refused to stop contact with the OW how do you think your wife would be acting? She refuses no contact so there is no reason for you to stay with her. Move on and find someone in the future who can truly love and respect you and who you do not need to share with another man. She continues to show her lack of respect for you and your marriage by refusing to give up contact. I think that says it all. It is time to move on. I wish you luck.

[Horse]

I've never been through anything like this, but maybe some distance might help.

 

If you think you have it in you to ever forgive her, I think you should give her a chance and try to work it out. The way I see it, you basically checked out of this relationship two years ago. It took the real possibility of losing her (her affair) for you to realize that you need to make a change and really commit to repairing your marriage.

 

Sometime during those two years she got fed up and checked out too. Now she is facing the same real possibility of losing you and is willing to do what she has to do to make it work.

 

It took you two years and her affair. It took her four months and the threat of divorce.

 

If you were working hard to make her happy and make the relationship work when she had the affair, then I would say "Bail out," but you weren't. If there were things that you did or didn't do that contributed to the affair and you are willing to change and you still love her, then you should at least try.

 

You both made mistakes. People do this. We aren't perfect and honorable all the time. The best we can do is try.

 

But... If you feel like the love is gone and there is no foundation to rebuild your relationship on, then there is no point because you won't be willing to put in the effort to fix this.

[Erratic]

So far every one seems to have the same general advise. I appreciate everyone's input and I am glad that I added more information so that it does not appear that this problem was one sided. Please continue to give your opinions and advice regardless of how you feel.

 

I completely admit that I was wrong in how I handled things prior to her affair. I was also willing to forgive her when I found out, I was even willing to forgive her a few weeks ago. When I broke my hands, as strange as this may sound it was probably the best thing that has happened to me mentally. I came to a realization that day that will forever change my life.

 

The problem that I face now is that during all of our problems I never truly lost sight of what I wanted, which was to be with her. I did the best that I could to be there for her, but as you all probably know sometimes that's hard to do and no matter how much you try it just isn't enough sometimes. Like I said I admit that I was wrong and I have been to therapy to learn how to cope with my anger and learn how to better communicate. Since January I have spent every second I could trying to prove to her how much I loved her and how I could change. She did see that I was making changes and that I was trying but she openly admitted that it did not matter because she was no longer in love with me, she just loved me. (A clarification on the difference between "in love" and "love" would be greatly appreciated). I was also informed that she was in love with the OM, having heard the severity of what "love" and "in love" meant to my wife you can imagine how this news made me feel.

 

When it comes down to it, I know we were both wrong and I am not interested in trying to blame either of us for being more wrong. All I wanted since January was a chance to prove that it can be fixed. Now it's June and I have spent the last 6 months doing what ever I could to fix our relationship. For our anniversary I took her on a romantic weekend get away, I locked our cell phones in the glove box and gave specific instructions to the front desk that we are not excepting any calls no matter how urgent. The weekend was nice but who wants to spend a romantic weekend for 2 hanging out with a friend. This was my big push for her to want this to work, not only did it not go as well as I hoped, it took less then 20 minutes after she got her cell phone to call the OM. This was about when I was ready to give up. I started researching divorce and affairs, began to figure out how things should be divided and started to talk to her more about separation and divorce. I don't think she realized just how serious those conversations were, because now that I have given her my decision she is telling that I was talking as if those conversations were hypothetical.

 

Any way basically I know I was wrong and I am willing to go to counseling but I feel that mind is already made up and it is going to take a miracle for me to change it. I mean it's been a week since she realized just how serious I am and she is already wanting to give up and back out of the marriage counseling.

[jmargel]

Well why wouldn't she want to back out of marriage counseling when you are telling her basically the same thing she told you a few months ago?

 

Part of love is learning to forgive. It's not going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination but you both hurt each other. It doesn't matter who did it first. When you planned the romantic getaway she was already beyond that "line". She was hurt so badly that no matter what you were to say or do in the long run things wouldn't change or so she thought.

 

When I broke my hands, as strange as this may sound it was probably the best thing that has happened to me mentally. I came to a realization that day that will forever change my life.

 

Exactly how did it change? She wanted out, you wanted in the marriage, now it's the opposite. Realize what you are going to lose by divorcing her. Realize that you won't be waking up next to her every morning. Realize that your birthdays and holidays are going to be without her. Realize that all the little things you two remember doing together are just going to be a memory. Realize that if you even find someone else that there is no guarantee you are not going to have problems with any new women in your life.

 

We are human, we make mistakes. You made mistakes and so did she. You can't expect her to "get over her hurt" right away just because you were making changes. But she made things worse by cheating. However, remember the reason WHY she cheated.

 

Love in itself is a true love, a sustaining love. A love that will be there. "In love" is the want to experience new things with someone you admire. She was not in the right frame of mind when she were saying these things. Try to remember that. You are focusing on the hurt you received and not hers.

 

A relationship or marriage isn't about 'What can you do for me', it's about 'What you can do for each other'. If you want to goto counseling with her, give her something positive to think about. Going to counseling with such a negative attitude is only going to produce negative results.

 

In alot of cases marriage can be saved after an affair.

[Erratic]

Originally posted by jmargel

Well why wouldn't she want to back out of marriage counseling when you are telling her basically the same thing she told you a few months ago?

Your logic is faulty, she can give up after a week and that's acceptable. I however spend 4 months begging on a daily bases never getting a positive result and now I'm wrong? I told her I would go it is only fair to give her the respect that I was denied. It's hard after 6 months to be willing to do what I begged for after I have started to let go. Her actions have consequences too, she cheated on me because I was not meeting all of her needs. I made my decision to divorce because not only were my needs not being met either but she was walking all over me. My attitude toward marriage counseling is honesty no matter how negative it may seem that is all I want out of it. If being honest and open with each other leads to working out our problems then so be it, but I am not going to lie to my self or give her false hope that there is a chance. IMO there is no chance but my feelings changed once there is no reason they can not change again.

 

Originally posted by jmargel

Part of love is learning to forgive. It's not going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination but you both hurt each other. It doesn't matter who did it first. When you planned the romantic getaway she was already beyond that "line". She was hurt so badly that no matter what you were to say or do in the long run things wouldn't change or so she thought.

I read your post that is in your sig. it was very informative. The past 2 years that I have not emotionally been in the relationship did not suddenly start for no reason. We have been together for about 10 years and been married for a little over 5. We met shortly after I graduated from high school and she was a senior. Neither of us really ever experienced a serious relationship, but in the beginning we didn't care. As time went on the new wore off and disagreements began. We went from our parents houses to living together, again was a great idea then. My wife has told me in the recent months that even before the wedding she had doubts about our relationship, I however did not, I was completely in love with her, she could do no wrong in my eyes. Soon after we got married we bought a house and a new car and the responsibilities started to become overwhelming. We argued over money mostly but there were other problems that neither of us really ever wanted to address or even admit to. How things in our relationship played out and led to the present situation, I agree is unimportant. However, the events that happened still must be addressed, or like your weed analogy the roots will still be there.

 

Originally posted by jmargel

Exactly how did it change? She wanted out, you wanted in the marriage, now it's the opposite. Realize what you are going to lose by divorcing her. Realize that you won't be waking up next to her every morning. Realize that your birthdays and holidays are going to be without her. Realize that all the little things you two remember doing together are just going to be a memory. Realize that if you even find someone else that there is no guarantee you are not going to have problems with any new women in your life.

I learned that I can no longer allow someone else to control my emotions. It is not there actions that I react to, it is what I am telling myself that causes my reaction. I need to be more open with people and learn to express my self in a healthy manor that does not resort to violence. If I can over come self destructive attitude then I can deal with problems in a tactful manor in which the problem will be resolved instead of temporarily fixed which in turn will end the cycle that my relationship has been in for many many years.

 

Originally posted by jmargel

We are human, we make mistakes. You made mistakes and so did she. You can't expect her to "get over her hurt" right away just because you were making changes. But she made things worse by cheating. However, remember the reason WHY she cheated.

I never tried to say that either of us or anybody else for that matter is perfect. I fully expect people to make mistakes. The problem is that her mistake was devastating to me, the one person that I thought I could trust and rely on for the rest of my life betrayed me. My actions over the past 2 years were not always positive but I never completely checked out of our relationship near the end of last year I went to her to address the issues we were having. Maybe it was to late then but she at least knew that I wanted to workout our problems prior to January. To make matters worse her trip with out me was a Christmas gift from me, a 4 day getaway to give us some time to think about things. So before you tell me that I pushed her to do this which I don't disagree with entirely, please recognize that I did make an attempt to fix our marriage prior to her affair.

 

Originally posted by jmargel

Love in itself is a true love, a sustaining love. A love that will be there. "In love" is the want to experience new things with someone you admire. She was not in the right frame of mind when she were saying these things. Try to remember that. You are focusing on the hurt you received and not hers.

Not sure if I completely understand what your saying, how was she not in the right state of mind. She told me that she was not in love with me prior to her affair and during her affair. I try not to focus on the hurt I received entirely, the issue is that everyday I deal with conflict about her boyfriend "yes he considers himself that and so does she". Like I said in an earlier post I have found information that conflicts with what she tells me. Not being able to trust my wife is very difficult to deal with. I find myself looking up strange phone numbers on the phone bills. Sneaking a peak at her cell phone, I found messages from as recent as the day I looked which was earlier this week. The messages say things like I love you, I miss you, wish you were here, pet names for each other, the one that bothered me the most was from about 2 weeks ago that said something along the lines of "I miss waking up next to you". Needless to say no matter how much she tells me she wants things to work with me, she has not given up the OM. Exactly how can I even consider working things out if she will not stop talking to him?

 

It may also help to mention that the OM lives more then 1,000 miles from us and is not married. This information may be useful due to the fact that they are still seeing each other occasionally which requires travel and my wife has gone on trips 2 or 3 times a month since January. I would like to think that the distance makes it more difficult for them, but if he is showing up where ever she goes for the weekend then I'm sure it is far worse then if they lived in the same city.

 

Originally posted by jmargel

A relationship or marriage isn't about 'What can you do for me', it's about 'What you can do for each other'. If you want to goto counseling with her, give her something positive to think about. Going to counseling with such a negative attitude is only going to produce negative results.

Like I stated at the beginning of this post, I will go to counseling, it is only fair to give her the opportunity that was refused to me. I have nothing positive to say to her so I do the best I can to not give her false hope. I do tell her that my feelings may change eventually but just telling her I will go to counseling should be positive enough. As for the negative attitude, I am not malicious or ignorant when we talk and I try to have conversations about my feelings toward her and why I am not willing to change my mind. The simple fact of the matter is that if she can't figure out that the OM sill being around is never going to fix this then she has poor judgment and is not truly interested in our relationship. I WILL NOT tell her to stop talking to him ever again, she has to figure that out on her own. All of our friends and family constantly tell her to end it with him even if I do not want this to work it would still show me that she truly wants to try and that has yet to be seen.

[june bennett]

I have to say there is more involved in cheating on a spouse than anyone ever knows. I am in the same sort of problem now in my life. My husband and I have been married going on 15 years. The problem is we still love our spouse no matter what but the question is always if we love them are we still in love with them. Thats the question you have to ask. Sometimes its hard for the other one to leave because we do love the other and care what happens to them and how they feel, and because of this we are willing to neglect what would make ourselves happy in order to make our spouse happy.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by june bennett

The problem is we still love our spouse no matter what but the question is always if we love them are we still in love with them. Thats the question you have to ask.

 

Oh, pul-eeze! Not the old "I love him, but I'm not in love with him".

 

Every cheater says that......but they seldom seem to have a clue as to what it means.

 

Love is LOVE. "In Love" is a hormone / pheramone driven INFATUATION.

 

People who 'fall in love' first experience pleasurable dopamine releases in association with the object of their desire. And sometimes that infatuation will grow, over a period of time, into real love. Not always though.

 

Real love is a whole different thing. It lasts beyond the brevity of chemical reaction. It's caring for your mate, valuing them, comforting them, giving to them. It's deriving pleasure from their happiness....and not merely your own. It's the ability and the desire to do all those things AFTER the chemicals have worn off.

 

Of course, it's possible to stray from love, when your relationship has been allowed to deteriorate; when resentment and anger have been allowed to grow. Even then, you can still have love for your partner, even when you, yourself, don't know it. Sometimes, all you have to do is clean the crud off.

 

But sometimes, I think love can be destroyed utterly....when it's neglected for long enough.

 

Folks who buy into that whole Love / In love load of malarkey must find the whole subject of intimate relationships to be entirely confusing. They're so distracted by their own physiological responses to romantic stimuli.

 

If you could put that old fallacy out of your mind, June Bennett.... I think you'd be well on your way to finding some clarity in your situation.

[june bennett]

Let me explain this a little more clearly. I have been married for 15 years. I am the type of person who when dating never dated two guys at the same time. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. My husband after we were married took the attitude that I shouldn't be hanging on him in public and I shouldn't sit too close to him. I would say when this began to happen we had only been married maybe 6 months. He started constantly scolding me like a child for little things I would do, ie leaving a light on in the house, just little things. I in turn kept my mouth shut and dealt with it the best way I new how. There were other things he did that made me feel neglected, if he seen someone he knew while we were out he would never introduce me to them until they would ask who I was. I played the role of the good wife. (mouth shut, head down, cleaning, cooking, waiting on him) I did this for all this time. Now I have decided I need something else in live. I need to make myself happy, should I live the rest of my life to suit him. I don't know. I have tried to leave and he starts crying, this is what stops me. Is it pity or love. I still care what happens to him and how he feels so you see I do still love him, I am not in love with him. I am not in love with anyone else either, I am not getting any younger and maybe one day I will fall in love again, or then again maybe not. This doesn't mean I can go through life unhappy and feeling alone. I have needs, my need to be held and caressed are much stronger than my need for infelidity at this time in my life.

[jmargel]

June,

 

What you have is the classic case of 'communication problems'. On both your ends. You failed to tell him the things that were bothering you and he failed to listen and understand what a marriage really needs. I believe Marriage counseling will help you both out quite a bit. You have nothing to lose, right? Most insurances are accepted as well. Talk to your husband and find a licensed MC this week. If your husband doesn't want to do this, then give him the ultamatium. We can't tell you how to feel or try to explain what you are feeling. However we can give advice on what has worked for us in the past.

 

You two are disconnected, the bond is there but isn't present right now. MC will help you bring that back. It can also give you a whole new life with the person you said your vows to. At least give it a try.

[june bennett]

Well I went by myself 9 years ago because he said it was me not him. This is not a one sided deal. Besides he was too busy hunting to go to MC. Then I took up hunting thinking maybe this would be a bond we shared but it seems now all I do is cook for all his friends and take care of my daughter who is 7.

 

So you see this is no good either, if it were not for my daughter I would leave today and he would never see me again. I could make a new life somewhere but she is strictly a daddys girl. This it seems he does well (being a good father) I just wish he could be the same and invest as much with our relationship.

 

I have a close friend who happens to be a man, this too he hates he is always accusing me of running around with him, but this man and I have a lot in common and enjoy the same things. I have never said anything to him about his friends and yes some of which are women. It just seems to me I am a proisner he has captured and will hold me until its too late. If he didnt think this he would at least try to work out our problems. When I do try to explain how I feel he just tells me that is stupid or its me or I need to learn to cope. What does he think I have been doing the past 15 years, I have just been coping.

[Bryanp]

To June,

 

I think based on your description of your marriage that is time to leave. Do not let his tears stop you. Clearly he has no conception of what a marriage and a relationship is all about. Leave this selfish person and move on to a better life.

[jmargel]

If he's not willing to goto MC, then you probably have no choice but to leave. However, you hanging out w/ another man is going to make your husband resent you and not want to do things with you. Don't stay for your daughter's sake, all she is going to witness is coldness and fighting between you two.