Second chance or not?

[Perro_azul]

My ex bf and I broke up almost 4 months ago. We never went full no contact since we work together and he would write something meaningless from time to time. At first, I tried to get back together, but he rejected me saying that we need to start seeing new people. He told me he still cared about me and didn't want to give me any false hope. After this conversation in November, I've decided to move on. He would still write me and wish me a merry Xmas and New Year but nothing more.

Last week, all of a sudden, he texts me, and we engage into a conversation, sending each other some photos. Then he says that he missed me BUT he just wants to speak with me. "Nothing more right now, just speak." I say ok, and basically don't overthink it. A few days later, my friend spotted him meeting a girl (a date). I got super angry and told him not to bother writing me again and telling me he missed me if he is dating other people. He then called me, but I didn't pick up. The next day, he told me to meet him outside of the office, he brought some of my stuff I left at his place (yup, 4 months later). To be honest, I expected THE TALK, but I was too scared, so I met him, got my stuff and left without saying a word. The next day, we had a corporate party, he got kinda drunk and told me we needed to talk.

 

That's the key points of what he said:

 

-he misses me

- he is not ready to get back together, BUT he is not ready for us to be finished.

- he thought I was the one, his soulmate

- he wants to try to be friends and speak and see how it goes. "Let's try to be friends before we can be something else".

- hang out together and have fun

- he wants to take it slow, he doesn't want to rush back into our relationship again.

- he wants to try not to fight and argue everyday, as we used to ( this was the reason we broke up).

 

 

I agreed. Although he was drunk the night he told me all of the above, the next day he said that he meant it.

And now we are talking every day (by talking, I mean texting) and of course, we bump onto each other at work.

 

My question is:

 

Is this a path to reconciliation?

 

Is this a second chance?

 

Does he keep me around as a second option?

[Popsicle]

No it is not. He is just setting you up to be a backup plan.

[kxpxsc3]

Agreed with person above.

 

 

He was trying to date other people. IMO, he thinks you will take him back at any point so he'd like keep the option of you open in case any of his new prospects don't work out.

 

 

I would recommend to not agree to friendship if you want something more. Go NC and move on to someone who wants to be with you.

[Perro_azul]

Thank you, guys. I got it.

[Popsicle]

I also don't feel that coming back to be just friends is a very good effort (Esp after he was the dumper). If he wants you back, the only way to come back is on his knees. If he can't do that then you don't mean that much to him just like before.

[Perro_azul]

We have some issues that we both are not sure about. He told me earlier that he doesn't want to get back together just to break up again. So I thought maybe this is his way of trying to see if we can resolve these issues first. I know I'm trying to justify his words and actions. I'm also not 100% sure I want him back, maybe it's just too broken to fix. I think I will stick around as a friend for like 2 more weeks and then if we are not moving forward I'll withdraw.

 

UPD: he is the dumper but also..not. I was the one who said that were done but then I changed my mind (within an hour after breaking up) and he didn't.

Edited January 25, 2016 by Perro_azul

[Learningtowalkagain]

There's no 'taking it slow' with someone you were in love with before. One or the other is going to want to jump back into the relationship. I just went through a similar situation. I'm sure he misses talking to you, and I'm sure he cares for you, but it's obvious he wants to date around. I'd go NC with him. I also work with my ex, I just smile at her or say hi and am on my way.

[Perro_azul]

"I just smile at her or say hi and am on my way" That's basically what I've been doing for the past 3,5 months. I guess, I just don't care so much anymore to go into NC. I'm also trying to meet new people and not to sit around and wait for him. I think I'm in the right state of mind and don't expect much. If it works out - yay! good for us; if it doesn't - ok, next.

 

Haha, maybe I'm just lying to myself

[Finalchapter]

Hi perro..I am going through kind of the same thing. Except that my ex came back after a year. I am not even sure if I want him back but it just hurts so much to be used like this. I hope you find your closure. Do let us know how things turn out for you.

 

Wishing you well.

[privategal]

He has been really open with you as far as opening up the lines of communication and telling you what he wants right now.

Since you guys have had alot of fighting that broke you up and he sees the relationship as drama, if you are going to pull away speak CLEARLY.

You ran when he wanted to have the talk.

Id have one talk then let him know if he is dating you are ok with that but you dont want to be strung along as friends.

You would like to heal and date when you are ready.

The ex is always a comfort zone but this being friend zoned is too much.

He's still giving you alot of attention so you are fairly comfortable but are you comfortable thinking of him kissing, holding hands, having sex with others?

Your blocking that part out.

Thats why NC is best...its not to be rude, its so you can move forward and not be used.

Friends is getting you nowhere. Its taking away your chances of reconciling.

He cant miss you, and he can afford to be in limbo and not know what he wants as long as he still is hearing from you there's no pressure.

If you would ever like to be married someday and have a family (both down the road of course) then dont throw away precious years om a guy who cant decide.

Date...have alot of fun being single, maybe travel...but...you've got enough friends...you dont need your ex as your friend.

Have 'the talk' in person, then go...work on your career, maybe a new job, get your finances straight and work on a healthy you so your next relationship is healthier.

Do not be friends.

[Perro_azul]

Yes, we've always been very honest with each other in terms of what we want.

So while I KNOW he wants to date around and he did go on a few dates, I also believe that he wants to try again and see how it works out for us. I also think that if we jumped right back into our relationship, we would end up being hurt and disappointed again. He is trying to play it safe, and I'm doing the same. I don't want to get a quick fix of him for a month or so only to end up losing him again. Like I said I will not go into NC again, because it's just pointless and I don't want to toy with my emotions and his emotions. If it's meant to be, we will be together. If not, no NC/LC will help us and we will need to learn how to work and co-exist together peacefully.

 

I know I'm putting my heart on the line here, and this "friendship" can end up either way. But I will regret forever if I don't see it through.

 

I will keep you updated whether it worked out for me or not.

 

UPD. I know this forum preaches NC and "no friends" rule. But on the other hand how many successful stories did you actually see here? All I've seen so far is - I got my second change and it's not worth it.