plauged by indecison

[laura_wells]

I got married nine years ago. I was very young and still unaware of who I was and what I wanted/needed. We come from different cultures and always had a difficult time communicating and relating to one another. I was miserable at first but wasn't strong enough to get out. We eventually went on to having three children. The last nine years we've been pretty much been living like roommates, each doing our own thing. My husband suffered depression, which made living with him very difficult. He was constantly running from any issues and chose instead to hide behind the TV in bed. He was on medication and going to see a therapist irregularly. He had odd jobs and finally I helped him start college. I helped him a lot in the first years. I taught him and helped him write papers..

 

I never felt like I got what I needed emotionally, physically and intellectually. I always considered myself an intellectual and a thinker and could barely carry on a conversation with him. I think that he was always intimidated by me. I have grown to be a strong, independent woman who is self-sufficient and supports myself and my family. I have a great friend and family support and got whatever needs I could met by them. We are close and get together often. I don't feel like I get any needs met by my husband. There's barely any communication going on. There is no shared interests, let alone passion, chemistry, or love.

 

Because of the kind of person I am, I don't give up easily. I've tried all these years to develop a connection with my husband. I've tried to make myself respect him and love him. I've always been good to him and treated him well.

 

On his part, he feels like I have been cold to him. I suppose that my strength of character was too much for him. He was too weak to stand his ground and felt like I was overbearing. I haven't been very soft and nurturing as he would like or needed. Partly its because I didn't feel fondness for him, nor respect for him. Although to my children I am extremely warm and loving it does not come easily nor naturally to be warm and loving to my husband. I wish I could but it just isn't there.

 

My husband deals with this lack of warmth by seeking it elsewhere. He has numerous times over our marriage lied to me and gone to bars to hang out. I know that he hadn't had sex or perhaps gone to do anything inappropriate but he didn't know how to handle his feelings of inadequacies and looked for an escape to get some semblance of feeling like a man. After a series of incidents of lying to me and going out late at night we separated last year, but soon after got back together. Nothing really changed since then and 3 months ago I found that he was doing the same so we separated again. We are now separated 3 months. We are both seeing the same therapist. She says that she wants to work on each of us separately for some time to build ourselves before we see if there is anything there between us.

 

She wants to help my husband to be stronger and heal his insecurities, as well as not to run from his problems but to learn to communicate. She is working with me on thawing my emotions that she feels are frozen from sexual molestation of my past and she feels I would then be more in touch with my emotional side and be able to express myself more warmly and lovingly like he needs.

 

I feel that even is we accomplished in therapy what she has intended for us it wouldn't change the way we feel for each other. I feel like there is simply no chemistry and it can't be created by therapy or by working on these areas. I think I am a strong, independent women who is always striving to improve myself and he is emotionally immature. Throughout our marriage I have tried to make things better and have always been the one to initiate any dates or attempts at communication and he was always negative and felt like this is the way it is and it can't improve. Suddenly now when I've had enough and want out he is now open and wanting to make things better.

 

The difficult part for me is my children. I love them more than anything and have always been doing everything to protect their innocence and well being. Because of the fact that my husband and I don't fight and pretty much get along fine, aside from having no relationship, I feel so guilty tearing their lives apart and creating such complications for them. It breaks my heart to have to break up their family like this and create such pain. As crazy as it sounds, it feels selfish. The other difficult aspect is the fact that my husband is a good man. He is simple and kind and never hurt me. He is also a phenomenal father and showers my children with love and attention. He simply does not contribute to my life in any way. I do not need him and have not missed him at all during our separation. He is so broken now and feeling so sorry for himself. He is doing all that I want now and really hopes that we will get back together. He likes me and thinks if he works on himself to be the kind of man I need we can be happy. And I feel guilty for doing this to him.

 

Is it right to act so 'selfishly' at the expense of so many people? I don't see much changing in the way I feel about my husband but wonder if its ok to live with having fulfillment in the arena of family life and finding comfort in seeing him being so good to my children and trying to be good to me or is that ridiculous? Is there a chance that he can work on himself to the point that I can respect him and love him? So far I do see that he is trying to be more positive and give me my space and work with the therapist weekly. But it hasn't changed the way I feel. I feel like something snapped in me and I've disassociated myself from him.

 

It may sound so clear when reading this what makes sense to do but I am plagued with indecision and guilt.

If anyone has any advice or have been through a similar situation and can tell me how it worked out for them, it would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks for reading

Edited January 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Brady375]

I saw no one replied yet so I'll try and give my 2cents. Based on what I read I think you can manage things and get them back to being better. There is no Perfect person for anyone. And in a life long relationship things will come apart and grow back together. There will be periods of rough patches. It's a long haul "for the rest of your life." Based on the problems you are having I personally don't feel they are Deal breakers and you Already have kids and a family in place. I feel that if you leave it will be very hard and in the end you will meet someone else with a whole different slew of problems. I believe in the saying "successful people don't make the Right decisions they make their decisions right." You have kids which is a big factor to me. Try Make your decision to have a family w this man the Right One. What helped breathe new lift into my marriage for a few years was we both enjoy working out so we signed up for gym classes together. The simple drive there and home and going through workouts together helped. She was top in the class at finishing the workout routines and w that I was "impressed"/"attracted" to that. It was a positive side of her I loved. As opposed to the problems we were having where she was needy dependent and a pain lol. Find something to do together that you both can enjoy. Something you both can be good at maybe. You owe it to your kids to try. I read your post last night and I don't remember any issues of abuse or substance abuse etc. if I'm wrong I'm sorry and feel free to correct me and I'll reply.

[Brady375]

Also I know what your dealing w. I deal w my wife "not bringing anything to me life etc" and when I write things out they seem clear and I'm also confused and plagued w guilt. We have no kids and there has been issues w substance abuse and the kid thing, mainly her missing the chance for a family since I don't want kids and she does is a big one.

Even if you didn't have kids I think you have to remember that their may be a Point in your long life that you hit a road block and suffer from depression. You may not be brining much to the table for a while. Would u want him to end things over it? If he is committed to u I think that's a big factor. If he is committed to you and not going anywhere, not cheating etc I think the problems can be worked on. Do you think if you find someone new you won't hit Other types of Problems equally as challenging? I don't live your life but I'm playing devils advocate and I think you need to ask yourself these questions.

[Brady375]

I re read your post and I also know the feeling of "after I say I'm Done, Now she says she's going to change". It's hard to accept this statement from them because I feel that them Changing Now is Self Serving. Before if they made efforts and would of made moves to improve things and jump through all of the hoops they are jumping through now it would of genuinely been for the other person. But Now that you have said its done NOW he is doing things but large in part to get what he wants. If I were u because of the kids I'd see if the changes he has made are Real or once things settle will the baseline for the relationship be what it once was. I know this is hard to do because in order to induce this change in him you had to Legit "leave" and now Mentallly your done and you preceive putting in effort into this More for him then you. Again your having to do for him. But think of it as doing it for your kids and you and your family.

 

My situation is very similar. I am an A type personality. I make great money I provide for my wife. And she was up and coming when we got engaged. She is very emotionally immature, innocent sweet and naive, dependent. As opposed to immature in nasty temper tantrums etc. my post is under "seperated" right above yours. I went on an equally long rant lol feel free to read it.

Edited January 25, 2016 by Brady375

[laura_wells]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, brady375. I really do take seriously the fact that we have children and are a family. It's what's weighing down on me so heavily. The problem is that I feel that throughout my entire marriage I was lying to myself and pretending that things were ok when they were not. I never had feelings for my husband and I covered it up even to myself to try to create some semblance of happiness. There was never any communication or intimacy. We simply are not compatible. We never had good discussions about anything and had a very shallow, surface relationship. I want to be genuine about myself and my life and don't feel like I can continue living a fake life. I want intimacy more than anything. Now, he felt that I didn't love and respect him and he did things short of cheating to get the attention he needed. He lied many many times and went out late to bars to find an escape. It's clear that though I was mostly nice to him and provide for him like a mother, it didn't work for him either. He wasn't getting what he needed. So we're taking time off now and I'm going to see whether my feelings for him change. I'm seeing if he can be a responsible, mature man but also whether I can actually love and respect him since I can't go on living a lie.

[Brady375]

Well what he did is not cheating. Not even close. Going out to a bar wo telling u is a breach of trust but the two are very different. We're your kids "accidents" or did you consciously have them? Like I said if your happier right now seperated there is no reason to rush things n divorce when kids are involved. You cannot raise them in a negative/abusive household that will do more harm then good, but you also have to heavily consider your responsibility to them and that means digging in some and giving this the ample time and effort it requires before packing it in.

The problems that you Site as your issues, are common. Some people marry and possess All of the things you are asking for Only to Lose them Along the way somewhere since a Life Long Relationship is a Long run together. With time and effort they can regain these things. Again I don't live your life just giving my 2cents. I say stay seperated and be Honest with your self that your 100% open to viewing his efforts and changes for the kids sake. Don't just dismiss them cus your mind may be a steal trap and "made up". As time goes on maybe coming up w some plans for small dates or something seein if the time together can induce some positive vibes.

[laura_wells]

Thank you for your feedback. Im clear that he didn't cheat. However the lies were very painful to bear. Last year I found his credit card charged by Ashley Madison numerous times. At another time I saw some disturbing sexual chat with some woman. He had been going out late at night until 4-5 in morning and saying he was with friends. I was worried sick and kept calling and texting and many times he wouldn't answer. I couldn't sleep until he got back. When he got home he reeked and said promised he was with friends. I would cry at times and he didn't know how to comfort me. I then tracked his phone and found that he had been going to these bars. We tried to address it but didn't get deep enough in understanding and fixing the problem. A few months ago I realized that he wasn't going where he said he was so I had him followed and found that he was again going to bars. I know he didn't cheat but went to escape. The pain was and is very real and harsh. When it happened now again is when I cut my ties. I couldn't bear the pain. I'm not sure how this time can help me learn to trust again and how I can know whether he's changed and wouldn't do it again. He doesn't share what he's feeling and so it's hard to know what's going on inside. I feel like he's an enigma. I don't know him. He's simple but his way of dealing with feelings of inadequecies is to run instead of facing them and dealing with them.

[Brady375]

I read your post and I think I may feel the same stuff. My wife is sweet but has a very Low Emotional IQ. Like she doesn't communicate well, no tanturms or anger but she deflects like crazy and tries to say things like "oh well u did this and this" In order to justify the things she does I have issues w. It drives me nuts cus it feel like her parent not her husband and it's like talking to a child sometimes. Qualities about her are what I love and hate at the same time. Hate them when I'm trying to deal w real life issues, love her Simple nature when we are just in a normal relaxed state of being. We don't argue week in week out in the traditional sense over small stuff. We both are easy going in that regard. But w her innocent qualities comes dependency on me, and a strong feeling like I don't have a Partner in things. We don't click In the sense of viewing situations the same or knowing what the other is thinking. To a degree w do but after a decade it should be much more of a connection.

I have hoped that she would grow up, get her career started and curb the partying behavior but she hasn't at all really and over a long period of time I have lost respect for her. The things I was willing to tolerate from a 21yr old girl are much diff then the things I will tolerate from a 32yr old wife.

It's a tough situation but I don't have kids. How could you Earn that respect back for him? Regain Interest in him?? Simple....he needs counseling as do u. Alone and seperate and he needs to understand HOW to earn your interest back.....he needs to legit work on himself to being the man you'd be Proud of to call your own. A guy you and others would look at and say wow he's on the ball. He has a lot of self improvement to do. You have said he has made efforts so that shows he's committed to a degree.

You both have to seek out the help and tools to guide you through this. The Problems your marriage is facing didn't show up over night and they won't be fixed over night. The changes occurred through incriminate little details over time. Getting things on the right track may happen the same way. Or they may not if both people can't get on board.

I am not trying to push you in one way or another but it seems like your providing this information and hoping deep down that people post and validate your feelings and say Hell Yes leave Now. I don't think anyone can do that for you ESP when kids are involved. Marriage is a ball buster, it's hard. Giving it time may annoying you and drive you insane cus you want to get living Now. But you got the kids. Go to counseling together and seperate, he needs major self improvement and you both may need some time to see how the seperation process plays out. My posts may lean more towards you "working things out" that's only because I can tell by your posts your leaning towards "being done now". So I'm just trying to provide the flip side of it so that you ask yourself these questions and look at it from all angles. In the end Making the Best Decison for you and Your Children will fall on your shoulders and you'll have to own it and live with it. If it is Truely the Best decision to stay or Go after you honestly exhausted all rescources for help then it will be that much easier to live with cus you know you did everything you could. Giving it the time and putting the counseling and work in will take time. But as you sit and try to determine Even if you can more time is just passing. I feel that after you've done everything you know that is within your control to fix things you'll have your answer either way. Is being honest with yourself and legit doing everything within your control to make it work easy? Heck no, not w resentment and all the other feeling that your feeling. But I think if you do legit do that you'll be happier wi Yourself in the end whether you work it out w him or not. You'll have piece of mind.

Edited January 28, 2016 by Brady375

[laura_wells]

Thanks a lot for that! I can relate to everything you said about your wife having a low emotional IQ. My husband similarly takes no responsibility for his actions and finds justifications for everything. He blames me for everything and doesn't realize how petty he sounds. It's especially intolerable that he's the man and I expect him to be the one to be more mature and 'manly'. I'm inwardly rolling my eyes at everything he says in the rare moments that we actually speak about our relationship. He's always avoided talking anything about 'us' and how we could improve things. Now it's all my fault that he wasn't satisfied. Anyway, Because of the kids I'm taking this seriously and we're continuing to go to therapy, separately and together. I will try to be open to seeing the changes he's making and whether I can find it in my heart to love and respect him. Ultimately, I will have to be honest with myself and with him and I will only move forward if I am able to. I made a commitment of marriage but if I am unable to honor my terms by being a loving wife then I need to tell him in a respectful way that I'm unable to honor my commitment. I am not abandoning my children. I will continue to give them 100% if not more and they will still have a father in their lives. I simply can not continue to pretend and be there but not be there.

[66Charger]

You should do your husbamd a favor and divorce him tomorrow. You stated you never had feelings for him and you talk about him like a dog. To be honest i find you to be the real immature liar here. You lied to this man for your entire marriage. You gave him no real love and you whine about his visiting bars? No damn wonder. If he hasnt had a affair, thats because he is a much better person than you deserve. He may be simple and a good man, but by your writing, he is much more than you. Waiting for him to change? Waiting for you to respect him? Does he know you never loved him? Talk about him this way?

 

Divorce the man and let him find a SIMPLE, honest, truly loving woman.

 

It aint you.

[Brady375]

Charger I find it hard to draw such hardline assumptions from her post. Neither of us live her life or know her or her husband. On this forum I don't find it completely unreasonable for people to Paint a negative pic of their other half. They are blowing off steam and it's a safe place to do it. We Are only getting her Half and who knows Maybe her husband is on another forum or out w friends saying much worse. Spouses can loose respect for one another and a lot of time that's not in their control it just happens incrementally over time and resentment builds. It's not something a spouse wants to happen but marriage is a two way street and both people have to honor their commitments to their marriage and put the work in. If one spouse has a problem with another's behavior or isn't having their needs met and they voice this over and over and over and is ignored a loss of respect can happen.

I will make the same types of assumptions about you as you have Laura by simply reading her post. Which is you were divorced and the one left. This may not be true but from your bitter sounding post it's what I drew from it. Instead of making such stern judgements maybe provide some constructive advice. Maybe your spot on in your assessment of her and her relationship. I do not know. But what i do know it's never good to be so Certain in judgement of others ESP when basing it off of a couple posts on an Internet forum.

Laura I think going to counseling together and giving this some more time is best. You'll never regret giving things more time since u have kids. Can't regret trying longer ESP since ur seperated since u have kids, it's for a good cause. Just be honest w urself that your Truely open to "trying" and not just going through the motions or exercise of Therapy w him so that you can say "ok i did it it didn't work". Be Truely open to it.

Edited January 28, 2016 by Brady375

[laura_wells]

66 charger, in response, I can see how it sounds like I'm this huge apathetic, *******. As I've mentioned I married very early and didn't know much about what love is and what marriage entails. I saw the misconnection but assumed that since he was a kind, gentle man, the love and respect would come. U know where it took us. I made the decision that this is the situation I was in and did my utmost in my years of marriage to honor my commitment to him. To say I put everything into this marriage and my family would be an understatement. I don't expect u to know this since u don't know me but my family was/ is my everything. I have always put my husband and children before myself. I treated him with the utmost respect before others and never spoke negatively about him. I tried, honest to god, to love and display affection to him. Apparently it wasn't enough. Rather than dealing with our disconnect and try to go on dates, go to marriage counseling he sentiment ran that there was nothing to work on, there's no way to work/ improve on things and this is the life he is condemned to. He's told me that more than once. Imagine the pain and frustration I felt. Things aren't good but he's checked out and there's no hope of improving anything. God knows I tried. I don't need to convince u or anyone else. I've done all I could and it apparently wasn't good enough.

[MJJean]

You don't love your husband. You are not attracted to your husband. You never really have been, so this is not likely to ever change.

 

You're concerned for the children, but separating and reconciling only to separate again is much more damaging than a divorce. At least in a divorce the kids would know the lay of the land and can adjust. Back and forth just serves to confuse them and make them insecure.

 

You've been separated for 3 months this time. If you take him back, due to the lack of feelings for him on your side, you'll likely end up either A) living in comfortable misery and teaching the kids that comfortable misery is marriage or B) separating again and further confusing them.

 

File for the divorce. You don't need to be married to the man for him to be a great father.

[laura_wells]

Brady, I wanted to give up early on in the separation but am trying to go along ur lines of giving it my all and being open to changes. I actually wonder along those lines of how do I go about that? Am I sabotaging my efforts by, say, speaking about him on this forum or with my friends? One part of me feels the need to speak about what I'm going through in a open, non constrained manner. But I'm wondering if I'm doing more harm than good? Does putting in effort now mean that I should try working on and thinking only positive and see where that takes me or is that unrealistic?

[laura_wells]

Thank you mjjean. My children are presently not aware of the separation. The last time we separated it was only for a week and I wasn't strong or open minded enough to see things for the way they were and take the situation seriously. He was not in a good place and I took him back to protect him. At present, he has his own place but sees the kids almost daily at home. He doesn't sleep at home but we told the kids that he is working. They don't wonder too much about it. I'm slowly coming to realize that what ur saying is indeed the case. It's been comfortable misery all these years and if we get back together it will likely continue with the possibility of divorce down the line.

[66Charger]

Oh, I am not a bitter divorcee, but I am the one who left. I would find it appalling to be in a marriage with someone who never loved me and did not respect me. I wouldn't stay for a second. This was the basis for my post. And since this is a opinion forum, opinions are given from what is presented.

 

Regardless, MJJ said the same thing, however less "chargeresque" and Laura seems to be more receptive to that appraoch. Either way, the outcome may be best for her AND HER HUSBAND. One can not produce real love when it never existed in the first place. I am not saying that she is a horrible person. You can fake love, but you usually end up with just that...fake love. Perhaps they should both seek what is real and meaningful and become great coparents.

 

In my not so humble opinion

Edited January 28, 2016 by 66Charger

[laura_wells]

66charger, so as u can see there are other ways of saying the same thing. This is a forum where ppl come to for support. If ud like to give me urs, by all means. There's really no place for bashing and name calling. I'm simply stating what's going on and how I'm feeling and I think you should respect my disclosure. I'm really just figuring this all out and trying to do what's best for myself, my husband and my family. What we each have to add are just our opinions. So please state it as such and move on.

[66Charger]

I did attempt to edit to offer my apologies for being overly harsh, (really bad day)however you posted prior to my edit

 

However, I am who I am and write what I wish even if I sometimes regret it. I can live with it.

 

Regardsless best wishes to you and yours.

[laura_wells]

I appreciate that. Same to u

[Brady375]

Hey Laura. I don't think posting on this forum is Necessarily a Bad thing. I mean your trying to get as much info and as many views and perspectives as possible. You don't want to leave a stone unturned. This forum, the Internet, your friends, family, and counseling are All Resources for you to pull from. What I Will say is that I would give More Weight/consideration to certain rescources than others.

Meaning I would Not listen to a single Person on this forum or internet that says "you need to divorce, you don't love him" just as I wouldn't listen blindly to some know nothing that says "you need to stay divorce is out of the question." How in the HELL could anyone give you such hardline advice by spending 10min reading your posts. How could they give such absolute Advice one way or the other when dealing w such a Personal huge decision.

I would give much more Weight/consideration to your closest Family members, and after them friends and counselers. Even therapists who listen to your issues for hours and know it well do Not give you Hardline advice to go in one direction or the other. And they are sitting w you personally hashing out these problems face to face.

As long as your strong minded and take Most of these responses w a grain of salt, take the good advice that is Balanced and helps and totally disregard the advice that is dealing w Absolutes as in "divorce him" and "never leave" then it's fine. If you find that the responses you receive put you more on a roller coaster I wouldn't stay on the forum.

I do agree w your statements that if your going to try to be Open to his changes and the process of seeing if he can become the man you have "interest" in and respect etc that elimating all Negative influences is Best.

Example; I am not happy in my situation, I am very confused. I have one of my very Best friends I go to for adivice. Recently I have noticed his advice and opinion is not Balanced, he is single himself and for whatever reason I can tell he's Pro divorce. Like he isn't open much to the idea of getting back together Even if it could be a possibility. So I no longer go to him for advice or to talk too.

Put your best foot forward. You may not see it now but if you do you May get things back on track and have Your cake and be able to eat it. Just be sure you put your best foot forward because No Matter Which Decision YOU Make it will be hard. It will be Harrrrd work to get this marriage back on track and it Will be Harrrrdd work to divorce and deal w that. Both ways will have their highs and lows pros and cons. That's life.

[laura_wells]

Brady, thank you so much for your thoughtful and heartfelt advice. I absolutely agree about taking advice as just that and knowing that's it's all just opinions. Ultimately the decision will have to come from thoughtful introspection. I find this time so difficult. I feel that whatever becomes of us will be easier than this stage of indecision. Figuring it all out and the pressures of it all seem harder than whatever I'll have to deal with post-whatever.

[Leigh 87]

You are doing yourself and your children a HUGE disservice if you deprive yourself of ever seeking true love.

 

You will never fall in love with your husband. Even years of seeing the best therapist won't cause you to be in love with your partner.

 

The spark does die to some extent in even the most fiery marriage. But if both people start out as totally crazy in love, then amazing chemistry doesn't usually die altogether. Kids and work stressors and long days and familiarity just diminish your sex drives but make no mistake, goi

[Leigh 87]

You are doing yourself and your children a HUGE disservice if you deprive yourself of ever seeking true love.

 

You will never fall in love with your husband. Even years of seeing the best therapist won't cause you to be in love with your partner.

 

The spark does die to some extent in even the most fiery marriage. But if both people start out as totally crazy in love, then amazing chemistry doesn't usually die altogether. Kids and work stressors and long days and familiarity just diminish your sex drives but make no mistake, going through the heady honeymoon phase where you both want to rip each others clothes off is all important for a couple to go through.

 

You never had that head over heels feeling for your husband. It doesn't sound like EITHER of you ever were struck by thoughts of "wow they are the one and this feels so right "

 

Having kids IS NO reason to stay in a loveless marriage. Chemistry cannot be built when it's not there. On the other hand, being incompatible can SOMETIMES be worked on if you have the fundamental in love feelings there....

 

Never let anyone tell you that having kids means that you have a sense of duty to stay married.... Kids just need loving parents. I've never met an adult who turned out to be a commitment phobic and truly averse to relationships SOLELY due to divorce.

 

Kids gets messed up by crappy parenting devoid of love and positivity and enthusiasm. Or abuse and a loveless and lacklustre marriage can harm kids more than a divorce of two good co parents.

[laura_wells]

Leigh, thank you! Everything u said really resonated with me. I appreciate everyone's feedback. It's really giving me clarity and the strength to make the best out of the situation I'm in. I've been under the illusion all my life that I don't have a say in my life and that I don't deserve to create a life that I truly love. It's through no ones fault per se but as a result of my upbringing in general. I'm only now learning that all the love I've been so desperate for all my life and the intimacy and passion that I so long for and desire is actually at my finger tips and there for the taking. It never seemed possible and I've told myself all these years that I must deal with what I have and make the best of it. And I have. You can not imagine how liberating and exhilarating it feels to imagine that I may one day have what I have desired all my life. Its like I've been sleeping all my life and I'm only now waking up from the dead.

[Brady375]

Leigh I don't know where your getting this info from but it isn't common sense or even logical.

If their is No abuse in the household or substance abuse and two people Even after being madly in love Fall Out of Love, yes you can work on things and get feelings back. Even in Laura's situation where it's tough because She was unsure from the onset and maybe never once had Sparks as you put it, it doesn't mean that the relationship can't improve and become what she wants. A marriage being a Life long commitment will come into some very huge lows and highs. Her situation may be different as is everyone's but it isn't impossible. Also divorce is devastating for children in most cases and a person needs to have an Obligation to their marriage even when it sucks once they have kids. Does that mean married forever....Unfortunately no. But once you have Children and take on that responsibility that does 100% Mean putting the time in and making sure you do everything to make it work. Even if you didn't have those Head over heal feelings, cus in a life long marriage they can come and go. A person makes the commitment to get Married and commit to a person for a lifetime and then ontop of that Committs to raise children, it's an obligation to make it work. Maybe it will take a year to make it work. Maybe less, in a life long commitment of say 60yrs to a person what's a year. I'm not saying divorce is out of the question for people but when kids are involved if the household isn't Abusive then you better believe people have an obligation to raise those kids in a two parent home. Even if the parents aren't head over heals w eachother. Otherwise don't have kids and come and go as you please. If the house is abusvie and there is constant tension that can't be resolved that's a diff story. That's negative for the kids.

Edited January 29, 2016 by Brady375