Newly separated; Help!

[Brady375]

I'll try n get to the point. Married for 5yrs together for 10. We are both in our early 30s. The problems started when we started dating. She was young and the exact opposite of my 1st and only other gf/relationship and that's what drew me to her. I went from an A type personality alpha female who would argue w me like crazy and over achieve like myself to a sweet innocent carefree party girl. When we started dating I wasn't much of a drinker but after getting out of a 5yr relationship w my first gf I went out a lot more and 6months after breakup started dating my current wife.

 

After a short while dating the arguements over the drinking began. She would binge drink and it would bother me. Only on the weekends usually on Saturdays every weekend. At first I was right there w her but after awhile I didn't want to do that every weekend. After a breakup and reconciliation she calmed down some but at her Younger age I was more willing to accept it, she was in her 20s, I tried to take the good w the bad. She was sweet we never argued she never cursed at me, etc. Very easy to get along with. But she was needy. Childlike, dependent and inconsiderate at times. She seemed to never try and disappoint or hurt me on purpose or w malice but she would.

 

Fast foward as we hit our later 20s I wasn't 100% certain and we took the dive and got married. I didn't know How to feel prior to marriage and I was relatively happy we never argued normally. I thought she would grow up some but she hasn't at all. She is still the same 21yr old girl Ten years into the relationship. going out on the weekends w or wo me if I'm working and I would tell her what a turn off it was for me to see her "drunk" or drinking so much. It went from me discussing it to me arguing about it to me Screaming about it "I'm at the end of my rope!" "Your not Listening to me" etc etc. after a Saturday night out where she would upset me w the drinking I would wake up Sunday morning to apologizes and a nice breakfast. And I would explain how it bothered me. Saying ok. Hopefully that's the last time. And it never is.

 

I constantly feel as if I'm her Father, always keeping an eye on her. To make matters worse when we got engaged she had graduated from school n was supposed to get a decent job. I make good money and I'm an A type personality working in my Career and advancing since I was 21yrs old. For ten years I have taken care of everything money wise. In ten years she has only gotten an entry level position w no retirement or benifits of her own. I don't mind supporting her as she finds her career but it hasn't happened and w that issue it went from Discussions to arguements to me yelling about it as the years Passed and She Never accOmplised it.

 

I'm always taking care of her Finaically and socially she just hasn't grown up at all. I feel that she is comfortable in her job so she'd rather not leave and take another higher paying position that she may not like as much. I have told her take the better more stable job she was once offered a better paying job just for time being while she waits for the job in the career path she wants to open up. But she wouldn't take the job and I feel as if it's At My Expense with me continuing to get the short end of the stick.

 

I hit a wall 2months ago, for 4 weekends Straight she went out each weekend sometimes w me sometimes wo me and each weekend got drunk. Following each weekend I made it clear it had to stop. Idc if she goes out or we go out but I can't deal w her when she drinks too much. Her personality changes and she goes from the sweet girl I have been w to some annoying squeaking noise making gremlin who Embarasses me.

 

I have lost respect for her mainly when I combine the binge drinking w her lack of success in life/career. She has a nice support system. I take care of things, try to get her involved, she drives a brand new car as I drive an old piece of junk. Her getting a "good" job would still mean making only Half of what I make but currently she doesn't even make 1/4 of what bring in. It isn't the Money anywhere Near as much as it is when I View her as a women in her early 30s no kids drinking like she has on the weekends and no real success of her own. It turns me off.

 

We have no kids. After the 4weekends of nonsense 2months ago I started going to therapy. She did not know. She did a lot of "talking" about what we could do to improve things since I made it obvious I wasn't happy w her but took no Initative. After the recent 4 weekends of her disappointing drinking we seperated. I had to get away I couldn't sleep eat etc. now seperated alllllll of a sudden after dropping a house on her head (metaphorically) she starts going to counseling on her own, states she hasn't touched a drop of booze at all in 2months and Now is getting calls for jobs. Though outside of her current job she hasn't had more than 1 interview in the past 7years.

 

I hit a breaking point. I cried for days when we seperated I guess I was accepting the fact that this won't change, I was grieving the loss I guess idk. Now she wants marriage counseling now she wants to do all of this work after Cruising along for years on end. Once again I feel like having to go Through all of this (marriage counseling etc) is at my expense. I guess cus now I checked out kinda and just want to relax and NOW she's like hey lets work on this and I'm Like where were u 3 months ago??

 

Where was she when I was still around....I don't preceive these efforts as genuine at this point as I do as self serving to her. She is a sweet loyal girl. Innocent, she takes care of the house chores due to her lack of earning ability and that balanced the job thing out, I'm only home w her 3 days a week normally due to conflicting work schedules but when home she fills the Typcial Old School Wife role, brings me my dinner makes and brings me my coffee. It's sweet and caring. But she is also Extremely Childlike and has a very low emotional IQ.

 

She does not ever argue w me she is very easy going but she is passive aggressive at times. She has always been the hot girl. She's drop dead gorgeous. All of the dependency and child like behavior; lying over drinking at times recently, has worn me out. In 2months seperated I have been confused. We have only met up and talked twice. Going in circles. I have only had 2 gfs including my wife. Two long term relationships. I don't sleep around never have. First gf broke up w me and I weirdly find myself w the shoe on the other foot seeing things through the other side of things telling my wife the same things my ex told me; for diff reasons ofcourse. Sorry for the rant. I'm stressed.

 

The kicker is I am usually very responsible but when we got married the "kid" issue was discussed and she wanted atleast one kid and I was uncertain of kids. Thinking "idk people say when you get older you want them". Well we got married before nailing down that issue. I gave her full disclosure on how I felt but Now that I'm older I still don't want kids. ESP now since I feel like a lot of the time I already have one to take care of. This has been brought up ESP recently and she says she's OK and fine w not having kids. Though she wants them she rather be w me More. That's a lot for me to live up to i feel. A lot to bite off.

 

Her giving up having kids for me and believing her that it will be ok as we get older. Big gamble. Idk what to do. I'm big on honoring my commitment but in a lot of ways I don't feel like she did for years which is why we are here now. I also feel like I am at a crossroads. At our ages wo kids she could still get out and have a full life kids etc w someone. I could still get out and I'm young enough to have a full life of whatever I want.

 

I'm not even concerned w or thinking about another relationship w anyone else. I struggle w this. I believe "successful people don't make the right decisions they make their decisions right". I made the decision to get married. I'm trying to make it right but I'm trying to be responsible. Things aren't so black and white. I see a lot of grey here. Any advice is appreciated.

Edited January 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarify title and add paragraphs

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

Couple questions:

 

Reflect on the love you have for your intimates. Compare to how you feel about your wife. How does that go?

 

What is your goal with this separation?

 

If you had to boil a very long and detailed post down to three salient points, what would they be?

 

I'm pretty much getting that you've had your fill with her drinking and feel like her father, not her husband. Is that part of it? Most of it? What?

[Brady375]

Thank you so much for the reply. Sorry was so long I was venting.

1. I feel like I don't have a partner in things, like she is just along for the ride I provide.

2. I feel like her lack of a career/behavior when going out. I feel taken advantage of. And that I'm getting the short end of the stick. If she was raising two kids at home shed be great. Traditional housewife who is bringing a lil income in. Great. But we aren't having kids and it's hard for me to respect the fact she's accomplishing very w nothing limiting her.

3. I feel like I have talked until I'm Blue in the face about how her weekend drinking upsets me. She goes too hard w it and it's so unattractive at times. I've been ignored. I've explained how I can't deal w it anymore after numerous nights out.

 

I finally break down and get upset which was over the drinking after another episode. We went to a sporting event she sat w a friend and me another away from eachother during the Game. Get a call that she and her friend had to exit early cus she wasn't "feeling well". After game I get outside near the tailgate to find her passed out in a chair. I was so disappointed. A switch went off and I said she's never going to meet my needs w this issue. Next weekend we talk I get upset and breakdown emotionally. She explains and reassures. I say ok I don't care. I just don't care. Week later I had to seperate. I wasn't able to sleep next to her. Up all night. NOW after ten years she wants to go to counseling and put the work in NOW she isn't drinking at all. It's hard for me to think this New behavior will be the Baseline for the relationship since it was induced After the seperating. I see it is mainly self serving for her to get what she wants.

 

4. She is a sweet girl. Just self centered at times. Never directly mean to me but Very Childlike even at 30. I don't know if I should proceed w a divorce or try again. Idk if what I'm dealing w in comparison to others is anything bad. I've only had 2 relationships.

[Brady375]

Also the Goal of this separation at First was just to get away. It was too stressful I was too mad at her. Now that things have settled its to take a step back and figure out if moving forward w no kids involved it worth it. We are young enough to cut our losses and still come out ok. Only married 5yrs. I feel like if not I could find myself in the Same Loop and another 5yrs will pass just like that and we will be in much Deeper waters. Confused

[BuddyX]

First things first, do Not get her pregnant.

Second, do you think she is genuinely remorseful this time?

When it comes to addicts, you have to be firm; don't say 'when will it stop?.' Say 'I'm giving you 3 months, if you don't shape up I'm gone.'

 

She might be drop dead gorgeous, but I'll take a 7 that's compatible over a 9 that's making me miserable.

[Brady375]

I am not getting her pregnant. In the 2 month seperation we have only met and seen eachother twice to talk going in circles each Time. I'm basically still pissed and I've heard all of this I'll be better stuff before only to go in circles. She IS genuinely remorseful but she always is. Doesn't stop it from happening again. She's like a child w her behavior and handling of situations. Not mean, or malicious but very naive and clueless. Her emotional IQ I have found is like non exsistent. At times I feel she plays that "unknowing" side of her Up to manipulate and pass off blame. Other times I see a side of her where she is very much in control and i say to myself "she knows what she's doing she just doesn't care enough." Self centered. I feel like idk who she is sometimes.

I know I have to put my Foot down and I have. Just I'm starting to get into deeper waters. She's missing years to have a family and I'm getting older. Idk if I should cut bait or try more. I know no 1 can tell me w certainty what to do. That's crazy.

[deepinthewoods]

She has a drinking problem, that is the bottom line. She has not been able to change her behaviour, despite ruining her relationship with you. Addictions almost always cover up some kind of pain and trauma. She needs to seek help for this, and probably stop drinking altogether, and you need to be firm with her. If you truly love her, tell her so, and tell her that you can't be with her if she continues like this. Give her some time before you move on, but work on being happy with yourself without her. Get on with your life, with yourself, and let her do the work she needs to do if she wants to be with you.

 

If she's not willing to do the work and quit drinking, well, it sucks, but you won't have to deal with it any more, and hopefully you'll sleep better at night. You don't have kids and there are plenty of great women out there.

[Brady375]

Thank you so much for the reply. I understand everything your saying. And since seperated she has started to go to counseling and states she Hasn't Drank since we seperated. I'm just Hurt and still Mad that it took all of this to get her to make some changes. And at this point idk if the changes are more for Her to get what she wants since we are now seperated. I guess I'm legit pissed off and having a tough time getting past the fact I had to emotionally snap to get her to make some changes. And I'm concerned w investing more time not knowing if once complacent she'll go back to what she was slowly. Tough spot. It's been ten years of it and Now Now this time she is "really changing". Hard to to buy.

[Eaglescout88]

Hello, I am so sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. Dealing with substance addiction such as alcohol can be one of the most difficult things to deal with in a relationship. As you have described, the abuse affects the one without the addiction just as much if not more than the person with the addiction. In fact, it’s a big problem in marriage and a cause for divorce. I’m encouraged to hear that your wife is in counseling. Do you think this has a chance of uncovering any deeper issues and/or indicate whether she needs rehab? Do you think your wife is being truthful about not drinking right now? Either way, I don’t think it would hurt for you to see a counselor yourself or maybe look into a support group like Al-Anon. It’s important that you know you’re not alone and that you get the tools you need to deal with this appropriately. Kind regards, Kevin

[Brady375]

Hey Kevin Thanks for the reply. It's reassuring to know people are reading my story and giving feedback. I myself Am in counseling and so is she on her own. I Do believe she hasn't drank in the past two months since seperated since she is in shock n trying anything to get back this relationship. I have always taken care of her and a lot of her actions can be preceive as self serving. Like "i know he'll get mad if I drink too much but he'll get over it". And now I can't. She def has a drinking problem though I get that. It's just hard to Mentally Check back in at this point and want to go to counseling together, I don't want kids and she does but is willing to give that up for me. It's hard for me to say Yes let's work at this and waste more of your potential child bearing years if I can't 100% commit to her and this. I guess I'm waiting for a miracle idk. I don't know if anyone Else has ever had this mentally Checking out feeling and then had difficulty or resentment in the other person in Having too or Trying to mentally check back in.

Edited January 27, 2016 by Brady375

[Eaglescout88]

Hello Brady, idk if this provides you with any hope or not, but my wife and I were reading a marriage book last night for a class that we are taking. The author tells a story of a married couple who had been separated for months. Finally, after several months of separation and both being checked out of the relationship, they were both able to "check back in" to the relationship, and have now been back together happily married for many years.

I am really glad that you are in counseling, too, and that you hope the separation will provide an opportunity to get some clarity and healing. Have you thought about a marriage intensive? This might help with the “checked out” feeling because couples are in counseling over a few days in a retreat setting, which sort of forces you to stick with it and deal with your issues. I really wish you the best and will be praying for your miracle. Kind Regard, Kevin

[Brady375]

No I have not thought about a marriage Intensive. As weird as it sounds i have been trying to wait to see if I can get myself to a point where I Want to work on things to go to counseling together. As conflicting as it sounds I Don't want to be Divorced but I also am so mentally shot out and have so much contempt towards her that I do not want to go to counseling With her. The feeling I get is a feeling of that she would Love to go to marriage counseling, it would be great for her to work on things and get things back together right now where she's back home, and benifiting greatly from having me as a husband w all I provide. But for me I can't find a ton of incentive. I don't want to go through w all of this and Be divorced as a part of me will miss her but I can't find the Pros at the moment that outweigh the cons of having her back around. She brings very little to the table and has been along for the ride I have been providing her. After reading old shirts post I have some Clairty in my feelings that until I view her changes and who she is as an Individual as someone I have Interst in its near impossible for me to move forward. It feels like I have to have the desire to Date her all over again and In her current state at her current age I wouldn't be bothered w it at the moment. She has some qualities that are great but she hasn't Grown up. I'm sitting waiting giving it time to see IF I feel differently and if I have a gut feeling that She has made legit changes and grown up to a Degree. My vows are the only thing keeping me Around. If we were simply bf gf w no kids (as we have none) I'd be done with it. She's had ample time, a decade to get things in a better working order. I'm not making rash decisions and we are both going to individual counseling but it's so dam hard to preceive Hee efforts now as genuine and not simply playing the "game" of trying to show me what I want to see and not as self serving. Episode after episode of me asking her to meet a couple critical needs I had and nothing. But nooooww. Now she's doing it. It's frustrating.

Edited January 28, 2016 by Brady375