What do we do about our mom?

[Mx12345]

I grew up extremely poor. There were four of us and my mom was a single mom. I lived in public housing from 4 years old till 12, then we had section 8 (where the government pays most of your rent) up until I went to college. We were poor for lots of reasons. My brothers dad (my sisters and I have the same dad) never paid child support, my mom never finished high school, and also she has undiagnosed bipolar/schizophrenia. I say this because she thinks everyone is out to get her. Even her own kids she doesn't trust. She says we lie to her all the time. She also will start an argument with you and say the meanest things ever then 30 min later will bake you cookies. She's been this way my whole life. She stopped talking to her family 30 years ago because her siblings tried to have her committed before I was born. So she doesn't trust them and I rarely ever saw my aunts, uncles, cousins growing up. She has no friends.

 

This was why she had a hard time keeping a job growing up. She'd work somewhere for two months then quit and say it was because no one at work liked her and they were all out to get her. Or she would get fired for arguing with other employees. This led to her not having work for months and months on end.

 

My siblings and I are all adults now. 3 out of 4 of us have bachelors degrees and my brother even has his masters degree. In 2010 my mom was still living in the section 8 duplex we lived in growing up. None of us lived with her, she was working part time at a pizza place. Her house got robbed and she was scared to stay there. My older sister and her husband had just bought a house a few months earlier and the plan was to let my mom live in the guest bedroom for a couple months till section 8 could find her a new place. Don't know how it happened but five years later my mom was still in that guest bedroom. Numerous times my sister told my mom she had to find somewhere else to live but my mom never did. She also only worked some of the time and would also lash out and say mean things to my sister and her husband. One time she told my sister her husband was cheating on her (he wasn't) and she and her husband fought constantly about it. It all turned out not to be true. My mom would also accuse both of them of going into her room and moving her stuff or dirtying up her things. They both would just be like "you're crazy!" In September of last year my sister sat is all down that not only was my mom staying there putting a strain on her marriage but that she and her husband were moving two hours away for a new job for him and putting their house up for sale. In November the house sold.

 

Since November my mom has been shuffling around between me and the other two siblings. My brother and his long time girlfriend live together with her daughter and after two weeks his girlfriend (who is one of the sweetest people I have ever met) told my brother my mom has to go. My mom kept saying rude mean things to her in her own home. So my mom came to my place. I live in a one bedroom loft. Was it difficult having her there when I'm 29 years old yes. But I was making due. It had been almost a month when I had a guy I have been seeing for three months stay the night. My mom was at my little sisters but she came that morning as he was leaving. She proceeded to call me a whore and a slut for having a guy over (im 29!!!!) and basically said the meanest things ever. 30 min later she returned with donuts and acted like nothing ever happened. But I couldn't take it. I told her to leave and go stay with my little sister. Now it's been another month and my little sister is at her wits end. She said it's got so bad with my mom telling her she's a loser in life (my sister is a bartender) that my sister said she almost punched her in the face. And my sister is not at all a violent person! But my mom picks and picks and picks at you. She says the most horrible things to you and makes you feel like crap. Then she accuses you of lying to her about the most random things. I told her I was going to the gym the other night and she kept texting me that I was a liar and all I ever do is lie. It's so frustrating with her!

 

So my brother suggested we all put $200 a month in for moms expenses. That plus her part time job should get her an apartment. Well my little sister says she lives pay check to paycheck and can't afford to put any money in. And my older sister says she housed my mom for five years and now she's trying to save her marriage and she's washing her hands of the situation.

 

What do we do??? My mom has no savings, retirement, was unemployed for half of her life. She's 62 so she cant get social security yet. We signed her up for section 8 again but the wait list is like two years! She works part time but only makes $9 an hour. And we're lucky she's had this job for the past five months because before this she was unemployed for over a year. Some days I just want to be done with her too, esp because she's so mean! But she's my mom and I don't want her out on the streets. Also my siblings and I used to have such a great relationship. Now we're all fighting about this. Everyone is blaming everyone and everyone is mad at each other.

 

Sorry if this was long but any advice would help!!

[CC12]

So my brother suggested we all put $200 a month in for moms expenses. That plus her part time job should get her an apartment. Well my little sister says she lives pay check to paycheck and can't afford to put any money in. And my older sister says she housed my mom for five years and now she's trying to save her marriage and she's washing her hands of the situation.

 

What a terrible situation for all of you. If possible, try one more time to get all your siblings to contribute the $200 each to keep your mom in an apartment. If they still can't/won't, ask what they would be willing to contribute. Maybe they'd only be willing to give $25 or 50 per month - that would still be helpful. Your mom would just have to live on a smaller budget or work more hours.

 

But there's only so much you can do to help a person who won't help themselves. Your mom is an ******* to people who try to help her, and wow, people don't want to help her anymore. There are real consequences to her behavior.

 

On a side note, I'd just like to implore you to try as hard as you can to get along with your siblings, especially on this issue. Your siblings' feelings about your mom are just as valid as your own, and please don't be mad at them if they've chosen to not contribute to your mom's care. Respect each other and please don't fight. It would be really nice if you could all stick together.

[carhill]

Is your mom on MediCaid? If yes, when was her last doctor visit?

[bigbaby]

Is your mother getting all the benefits she's entitled to, such a social security disability, Medicaid, and food stamps?

 

This would go smoother if she was on the appropriate meds. Then she could probably hold down a job more consistently. As it is, her income doesn't seem very reliable so if it's figured into her living expenses, it's not likely your plan will work for long even if all of the siblings did chip in $200 per month each.

 

 

Okay, so the one sister already had her for five years and another sister can't afford to help. Both sound reasonable to me.

 

 

Can you and the other sibling each chip in $400 a month? I don't see another way or, as you say, she will be on the streets. Best wishes.

[SpiralOut]

I'm wondering why your aunts and uncles weren't able to have her committed. Would you be willing to try and have her evaluated? I don't really know how the laws work where you are, but a diagnosis might enable her to get disability pay.

Edited January 25, 2016 by SpiralOut

[bigbaby]

One thing I know from personal experience, in the US anyway, people have a LOT of individual rights and it's hard to legally make them do anything they don't want to do.

 

 

And if you try anyway, there's a huge risk that they'll be furious and ditch you, and I'd think that especially holds true if she gets paranoid and since she ditched her family of origin already for the same thing.

 

 

And then it might end up as your worst fear, a mentally ill mother on the streets alone.

[SpiralOut]

It might be risky to do an assessment but it's worth looking into as an option. Or at least contact the local health organizations to ask for advice. They may know about options and resources available in the area.

[Mx12345]

My mom currently gets food stamps so that helps her with that expense. Growing up my siblings and I had Medicaid but she never did. In fact my mom only goes to the doctor once or twice every ten years or so. She doesn't trust doctors. She thinks they're just out to get money from people. Her health is a completely different worry. She hasn't ever had a mammogram or any other appropriate tests for a woman her age. I don't think she's had a gyno exam since my sister was born 26 years ago. We have all tried different times in the past to approach the subject of her mental illness and its a huge blowup. SHES not crazy, WE'RE crazy! That's her response.

 

Someone mentioned that she needs help but refuses it and this is definitely the case. As adults my aunts and uncles have said they tried to reach out to her when we were kids, did we need anything, did she need help with us, what can they do to help. But she would ignore them or fight with them and it was hard but they eventually gave up.

 

The situation with her being committed was her siblings and my grandmother told her they were going to eat but then took her to a mental facility of some sort. She was required to stay there that night but legally was able to check herself out in the morning so that's what she did. My mom wasn't suicidal so they couldn't keep her there. She felt betrayed by her family and never really spoke to them much after that.

 

This is so hard for all of us. I feel like we all worked so hard to overcome the situation we were dealt.

 

I should also mention that as it is, a few of us already do and have been, paying other bills of my mothers. I pay her cell phone every month, and my brother pays her car insurance. When she lived with my sister my sister paid to have cable set up in her room (a small expense but extra money for them nonetheless.)

[carhill]

Given the history and mom's age, don't expect any changes or compliance from her end. If any changes occur they'll be in dealing with her. If she has had life-long mental issues, attempting to bend her to the will of others will likely fail.

 

Check to see if there are other housing programs for seniors of limited means around, other than 'section 8'. There are a number in our area. If similar, yup, get on those waiting lists too.

 

It's possible the medical folks may have subsidized resources for mental health evaluation and also social services help for carers. We ran into a lot of that when I was caregiving. IOW, the docs who were doing the checkups referred us to help for the milieu of care. Once you get away from GP's and into the mental health specialties, it becomes a different kettle of fish. This presumes of course that your mom has mental health issues.

[Fleur de cactus]

Sorry you are in tough situation . You have been very supportive to your mother and you are doing wHat you can. Support from the family is necessary . But if you think she has any mental illness she has to be evaluated and then qualify for special treAtmnet and services . You can start by encouraging to visit a physician who will give a referral for further eval. Also it is good to know for sure what kind of mental issue she has and see if this is something happened in other relatives or if this is something that may run in the family and one of you or your children could develop the same symptoms in the future . This could help to be ready to provide assistance. Be strong and good luck.

[StBreton]

OP ...sorry you're going through this and that you're taking such steps to help your mom says a lot about your good character. It's hard to be the parent to your parent ...hard and sad. As far as getting your mom set up, your mom is eligible for SS now ...she might be able to get a higher SS from one of her ex Hs ...was she married to anyone for over 10 years? Take your mom to SS to find out what benefits are available to her. Also ...with food stamps and SS and her job, she might be able to make it in a studio apt ... Many utilities have senior and low income programs that reduce electric bills by half so check into those programs. With all that is available, she can live solo. Hope things get worked out. You sound like an awesome person for all the adversity you've been through.