random tears Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Hey ya~ Thank you to the goddesses who answered my post...... Who has an idea of what an "emotional affair" is? and how do you know if your man is thinking of leaving/straying? Besides the more obvious signs of course....The things they DONT say.... Is there a such thing as lying because you love someone? How do you know if someone is just hanging on..... OR Using you as "practice"? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 How can there be an exact description when people are different and relationships are different? If you think your man is considering alternate dating options, why don't you ask him? If you're unhappy with the way the relationships is progressing why don't you share this with your man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted June 7, 2005 Author Share Posted June 7, 2005 OF COURSE i asked him..........What, do you think he going to come right out and TELL me he is THINKING of cheating or whatever??? And I have shared...many times...only he is completely disinterested in what I have to say on the matter....Besides the fact that we have a language barrier, which makes it difficult, he seems to think that every time I talk to him about this subject that I am just causing "static".....BUT He does things that are soooo suspicious....if I question him, then I am nosy....or "causing static" which makes him withdraw farther....which makes me all the more paranoid.....I came here with questions because I have no one in my life. No one but him. No family, no friends. Nobody. No one to give me advice. and.. I am not about to walk up to some random person on the street and befriend them for the sake of getting my questions answered...this is a good website because all of the info is relevent and the people are usually very insightful and helpful....Obviously, if I thought his answers were enough I wouldnt have to ask another person..... Link to post Share on other sites
SexKitten Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Pocky is simply making the point that makes the most sense. sure, it looks suspicious. but we don't know what he's doing if you don't even know what he's saying. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Ask yourself this: are you generally a reasonable person, not particularly prone to suspiciousness/jealousy/paranoia? Be honest in answering this, of course, but in the likely event that you reasonably conclude that you're usually pretty sane, the next question is this: why are you uneasy about your boyfriend? Because you are uneasy. So: you've talked to him, he denies that there's anything wrong. You remain uneasy. You've come here to seek advice from strangers, which suggests that this is weighing on you to some extent. Seems to me like you've got a few options, but they can be put into two basic categories: the first in which you wait for him, the second in which you take action based on your uneasiness. In the first category the options I see are: 1. Keep trying to get him to tell you what's wrong. 2. Try to snoop around to find out what's going on with him. In the second category your options include: 1. Driving yourself mad trying to second-guess him (by asking of yourself and others for clues, symptoms and interpretations of his every word and action). 2. Tell him that you feel that there is something wrong in your relationship, that a change you cannot identify has occurred and that it's making you uneasy. You can't and won't live indefinitely with your unease, so the two of you can either work to get to the bottom of it so that your uneasiness lifts, or the two of you can break up (which would, in time and with considerable pain also lift your uneasiness). Sadly I've been in more than one relationship where I could sense something was wrong, and asked at the time what was going on -- only to be told that nothing was wrong, or that boyfriend at the time was dealing with external problems that didn't pertain to our relationship directly but made him distracted/distant/whatever. And I let that stand as the explanation/excuse for the uneasiness I was feeling. I didn't push for more conversations. And I didn't view my growing uneasiness as a problem in its own right that needed to be remedied one way or another. Eventually my unease was revealed to be grounded in legitimate problems in the the relationship -- problems those ex-boyfriends had been unwilling to discuss, and only raised once they'd reached the conclusion that the problems were insurmountable. The point is, you're in the relationship too, and you have just as much agency as your boyfriend does. If you feel like something isn't right, you don't have to accept his dismissal of your doubts. I would tell him that you're feeling doubtful, you don't know why, but you're not going to just accept feeling uneasy in your relationship with him. What's the point of subjecting yourself to a relationship that you're constantly doubting? If the air can't be cleared, why hang around? You might not know what the problem is, but you do know that there is a problem. A problem your boyfriend isn't willing to acknowledge -- which is a problem in and of itself. You can wait passively for him to get around to addressing it, or you can take the bull by the horns yourself. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted June 7, 2005 Author Share Posted June 7, 2005 I DO know what he is saying...most of the time.....and it is NOT what he is saying...it what his actions are saying....You all know that it always comes down to what they are not saying......for instance: The vagueness.... The fact that I ask him about simple things and recieve no answers....and if I do, they are at best convoluted: we both went out seperatly to run an errand last week. As I was getting into my car, I saw him from across the street, in a parking lot. He was talking to a woman, maybe about a 5 minute conversation. I, naturally was curious. When we both came home, I told him I saw him, and he said he saw me on the street driving too. I asked him who the woman was. Let me point out first that the reason why I was curious is because he made a call right before he left. Maybe he met her there???? Here was his response: me: I saw you talking to a chick. Who was that? him: a friend me: who? him: a friend me: but who? Naturally curiousity has peaked at this point because I am not getting answers. him: just a friend, I told you. me: from where? him: I told you, a friend, stop. please. me: I am just curious why you wont tell me more. him: a friend that I used to work with, if you dont stop, maybe I am going out. Then a big aggravated blow up to which he reports the entire incident to his family. To which I am then called "jealous girl" in an affectionate, not so affectionate way by his family. This is pretty much how things work. Other variations for my "prying" include: You wouldnt understand. You need to believe me, and trust me. You are always suspicious. You always have one problem and my personal favorite: You need to stop, maybe you are sick. I think in the future you will be sick in the head. You need to stop. Now i ask, what is so wrong with asking seemingly harmless questions? AM i being nosy???? We work together. No one is supposed to know, according to him. Yesterday he came home and told me alot of people were asking if we are together. I said who? he told me he will tell me later. He told me one guy asked him if I had a man, if we were seeing each other etc.... I didnt believe him...because...I am almost sure that the particular person would not ask about me at all....married, very old, hardly talks to me...etc....he was working and has been working very closely with a couple of girls that he knows...which I think is more accurate of who was really asking him the questions....then last night he got super groomed, hair cut, shave, the max. Today he is working with them again. I asked the man who supposedly was questioning my bf if he was curious about my life....he gave me an odd look and said "no, why do you ask"...then....I told my bf that I asked the man and the bf got really really mad and told me that he wasnt going to talk to me and walked away. thus the questions about "practice" and emotional affairs..... Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Based on what you've said above, I'd break up with him. First and foremost, he's being condescending to you -- why tolerate that? Secondly, you've tried to talk to him in a reasonable way, and he's been evasive, accusatory, defensive, etc. Who needs this? I know that being in a relationship is important to most people, myself included. Giving up someone to be affectionate with, do things with, etc. is tough, and not something most people want to do. They'll tolerate quite a bit to avoid going through a break-up and being alone for a while. But it really sounds like this guy is playing games with you and being disrespectful. Why be with someone like that? Believe it or not, that really is the most important reason to end things with him ... but that's often not sufficient motivation (I know, I've been there). Consider this, then: chances are good that he'll break up with you sooner or later. He's giving you plenty of reason right now to end things with him (no matter how much he talks out of both sides of his mouth). People typically don't treat people they truly care about and want to stay with the way your bf is treating you. If a break-up is inevitable (as I suspect it is) would you rather be the dumper or the dumpee? Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 I agree with Midori....Break up with him. I am very perceptive to suspicion...Like if i ask a question and if there is any sort of hesitation I'll notice and call him out on it. There is obviously something he doesn't want you to know. If that girl was just a friend then he should have said how he knows her blah blah. He is being shady and YOU know it. So please take our advice and do something for yourself and get rid of him. You don't need someone like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted June 7, 2005 Author Share Posted June 7, 2005 Thanks for your advice midori…. Yes, to answer your question I WAS a generally reasonable person….all of this upset has turned me into a suspicious, jealous, paranoid person. When I feel like I have been deceived, I wont stop until the other person admits it. The problem is my bf (who considers himself my husband) will never admit to anything, no matter how much evidence has been gathered. He just reverts back to "I think you are going to be sick if you don’t stop this". 1. When I "pester" him about what is going on, he flat out ignores me, or tells me to stop, maybe he is going out……There is no way I can approach the subjects that are troubling me without me now looking like a maniac, no matter how calm or unassuming I am. 2. As of late, I have been snooping around, but everything is either untraceable, or innocent on the surface. How to dig deeper if everyone in his life speaks spanish? On the outside, appearing normal. What do I do when he wont even hear me? Don’t get me wrong, I do love him. But he has me so confused. Some days he is very involved with me. Other days, he is cold, detached and emotionally unavailable. I cant figure it out. I write him long letters, pointing out things that I have been dealing with, my fears, concerns, questions. When I hand him a letter, he says "again" and reads it, then tosses it aside. I ask him to comment on it and he says "you always have a problem." He says "when are you going to stop"? (with the letters) "you always say this is the last letter, but it never is". I would be so happy if he would write a letter to me telling me how he felt sometimes, and wouldn’t view his letters as "again". …..I cant get a read on him. We have been together for a while, almost a year, and I am still a loner in this mess. He is seemingly very unaffected….. Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted June 7, 2005 Author Share Posted June 7, 2005 Me too! I am VERY perceptive when it comes to hesitations, half truths etc...only thing is, I am not very advanced in his language to let him know all that I want to let him know and call him out right then and there....when I start to, he becomes angry and defensive...always defensive....not sure if the defensiveness comes from my dwindling lack of trust and suspicions or because he is in the wrong...The possibility for error here is great, because of the barrier, but we are well together when he isnt frozen and distant..... Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Hi randomtears, I'll repeat my last question to you: do you want to be the dumper or the dumpee? Here's what you know: 1. Although you're not usually a terribly insecure or suspicious person, in this context you are doubtful and worried that your boyfriend is not being honest with you about other women. 2. Your boyfriend is telling you that you're crazy for suspecting him. You want to stop being suspicious. There are two ways this can happen: your boyfriend stops behaving in a way that makes you suspicious, or you end the relationship. It sounds to me like you're really hoping that it will be resolved the first way, that your boyfriend will turn himself around. Right now you have no reason to believe that will happen. He denies there's a problem, and in fact quickly accuses you of being crazy. I suspect that you think that somehow, if you can prove to him that you know what's going on, he'll change. You have no reason to believe that would happen -- and seriously, even if it did you couldn't rely on him going forward. Only fesses up and "repents" when irrefutable proof is presented? Is that who you want to be with? Right now being with him is requiring you to accept, or at least consider, a falsehood about yourself -- that you're insane, jealous without reason, etc. You know this to not be true of yourself, and it was never even a possibility before this guy came along, right? So if the only way you can find any happiness at all with him is to change your understanding of who you are, can he really be the right person for you? You've been trying to get through to him for a long time. He doesn't respect you enough to talk to you, he mocks your letters. Your real voice has no place in the relationship. I suspect you're still quite some distance away from seeing breaking up with him as a viable option, and I certainly won't keep harping on it, because it has to be your choice. But when you're thinking about this, consider what is being imposed on you by the situation. Ask yourself what you're willing to accept from this relationship (or any relationship). At what point does maintaining a relationship become too costly to you? Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Please listen to everyone here...I don't want you to end up like I did after 15 rounds with a guy just like your boyfriend. My self-esteem was in the basement. I still have a hard time trusting. The worst thing was that I discounted my own intuition. You have the right to feel secure and happy. If you don't, for whatever reason, you have the right to leave. I know how you feel. As one poster said, if you can just prove to him that you are justified in your suspicisions, he will validate your feelings....no, he won't....he will only lie and lie and lie to you. Don't go to the one who is hurting you for comfort. He will only hurt you more. Look at his actions. Is that how you would treat him if he was feeling insecure? No way, you would reassure him, make him feel secure. That's what normal people who love each other do. DUMP HIM NOW. Whether or not he is cheating--which I bet he is--he is treating you badly. The cheating doesn't matter. I always thought that if I knew for sure, I could leave easier. The thing is, the doubting alone kills the relationship after a while....the actual act of cheating leaves the same pain you are feeling now. That is reason enough to leave. You've tried to talk to him about what you need. He didn't respond. He doesn't seem to care. You can't make him love you the way you deserve to be....You can only walk away and give another guy a shot at you. Link to post Share on other sites
mutton Posted June 8, 2005 Share Posted June 8, 2005 Your boyfriend is definitely hiding something from you. For example, the day he dressed up for work was not for you and most likely not for himself either. The question is: Who or what is it really for? I dont think you're crazy for being suspicious. Any woman would feel the same way in a relationship such as yours. A person with nothing to hide will never be as defensive as your boyfriend is. If you don't want to break up with him, at least do everything possible to find out exactly what he's up to. If he continues to be defensive, no matter how hard it is, break up with him. No one would like to spend a lifetime suspicious about his/her significant other's activities. Do yourself a favor and end it now before it gets any worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted June 8, 2005 Author Share Posted June 8, 2005 "Don't go to the one who is hurting you for comfort. He will only hurt you more." -----nicki VERY insightful Nicki, Thank you...And thanks to the rest of you who gave me a little more clarity.... You all know you are right of course. I cannot tell you what this means to me to know that there are people out there to lend support--It seems funny how the one person who should support me doesnt, and I had to rely on a handful of people to put a little order to the chaos..... I have felt so alone, so stranded....I have been feeling like the odds were stacked against me...No one has been there for me, and if I happened to make an off hand comment about the way he is I have heard this as a reply: "you need to relax and trust him" If I had a penny for every time I heard that, I would buy myself a desert island............. Link to post Share on other sites
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