Cg_863 Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Once a cheater always a cheater???? My ex boyfriend can be described as a 'bad boy' who I thought would be good to me :/ The relationship was extremely volitile, passionate, crazy, sexy and addictive. There have been temper flared explosive rows, verbal abuse/threats, but when it was good it was amazing!!!! Everything bad I could forgive and look pass because I love him- until he cheated.. He cheated with a girl over the course of a few days, persuing her, texting/calling, drinking with her, kissing her on a few occassions, going no further than a kiss but i dont believe that was due to lack of want or trying. He obviously tried to keep all this from me, after I confronted him and told him the other girl told me everything, he continued to lie. I could get pass the kiss, had it happened one night where he made a stupid mistake, the fact he actively persued her is what hurts and I find that unforgiveable. Also the extent he went to cover up his tracks and lie to me. Thats a summary of what happened and why we broke up. Since we broke up almost 2mnths ago he has constantly being trying to get me back, I have not seen him face to face since the break up. He has promised me he will never do anything like that again, he wants to be committed/dedicated to me, have a future, marraige, children, hes said he'd go to counselling, get help for his anger, get himself sorted in general. He has told me that losing me due to him cheating has made him realise what he wants with me, and made him realise his egotistic ways have to change and are not what he wants in life. Am i naive??? Is it possible for a 'bad boy' to completley do a 360 with his moral compass and be a good man who wants to settle down? Sincerity or manipulation, i do not know? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Change isn't overnight, girl. This kind of problem needs years of therapy and work and BEST done without any kind of romantic relationship involved. My 2 cents: Don't take him back, but encourage him to do therapy. If one day, you still like him and vice versa then maybe give it a try. Jumping on to his invitation of reconciliation will just give him the impression that his actions are easy to forgive, and might do it again next time. You'll end up hurting again. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 You should not put up with any kind of verbal abuse or threats. PERIOD Do not speak to him ever again. If he ever threatens you again go straight to the police. This is how those bad stories you hear about on the news begin. "But I love him.................." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cg_863 Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 Change isn't overnight, girl. This kind of problem needs years of therapy and work and BEST done without any kind of romantic relationship involved. My 2 cents: Don't take him back, but encourage him to do therapy. If one day, you still like him and vice versa then maybe give it a try. Jumping on to his invitation of reconciliation will just give him the impression that his actions are easy to forgive, and might do it again next time. You'll end up hurting again. Thank you for your reply, you have outlined the doubts I have about accepting him back into my life... I agree with your 2cents, anything short of that I believe I would be setting myself up for more heartache, my biggest fear is his 'changes' are to win me over and would be temporary. I believe people can change but I agree it takes time, alot of time and hardwork.. everything you said logically I know, i think its time for my heart to catch up with my head.. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 CG, Cheaters can change, However...and this is a big however... Changing behaviors that are detrimental to a relationship are very difficult at best. More often than not, cheaters simply will not or can not do the hard work necessary in order to change. One thing about you post that strikes me a bit. Is that you called it a "mistake" on his part. It is nothing of the kind. It as a conscious choice on his part. So please do not sell yourself short. Please do not accept any of the blame for his cheating. It has nothing to with being a bad boy. I've done some really nasty stuff to people in my life, stuff that would have made the hair stand up on your neck. But I never cheated on anyone in my life. Never even considered it. He can promise you the moon, but by his last 2 month track record I would be confident in telling you that any reconciliation would be short lived. You can do much better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cg_863 Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 CG, Cheaters can change, However...and this is a big however... Changing behaviors that are detrimental to a relationship are very difficult at best. More often than not, cheaters simply will not or can not do the hard work necessary in order to change. One thing about you post that strikes me a bit. Is that you called it a "mistake" on his part. It is nothing of the kind. It as a conscious choice on his part. So please do not sell yourself short. Please do not accept any of the blame for his cheating. It has nothing to with being a bad boy. I've done some really nasty stuff to people in my life, stuff that would have made the hair stand up on your neck. But I never cheated on anyone in my life. Never even considered it. He can promise you the moon, but by his last 2 month track record I would be confident in telling you that any reconciliation would be short lived. You can do much better. You are all telling me what I already know, its helpful to see it written in black and white... definitely a conscious choice he made as he continued to see this girl, kiss her, text call etc etc. i dont accept any blame I have told him what he done is no reflection on me, although i cant help but compare every inch of this girl to me trying to understand why? My gut instincts tell me it would be short lived, im pointlessly focused on hope and not reality.. its eye opening getting peoples opinions who are on the outside.. Link to post Share on other sites
MrBossMan Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 My money's on him being unable to control himself in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cg_863 Posted January 26, 2016 Author Share Posted January 26, 2016 My money's on him being unable to control himself in the future. Mine too Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 The trust is broken...and he's just a boyfriend...not a husband who you might want to think what you have at stake...plus no kids either..if he changes..good luck to the next girl..you've been there and done that. His lies and cheating will always be on your mind....you don't need that. You're worth more and fidelity should be a given in your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Once a cheater always a cheater???? My ex boyfriend can be described as a 'bad boy' who I thought would be good to me :/ The relationship was extremely volitile, passionate, crazy, sexy and addictive. There have been temper flared explosive rows, verbal abuse/threats, but when it was good it was amazing!!!! Everything bad I could forgive and look pass because I love him- until he cheated.. He cheated with a girl over the course of a few days, persuing her, texting/calling, drinking with her, kissing her on a few occassions, going no further than a kiss but i dont believe that was due to lack of want or trying. He obviously tried to keep all this from me, after I confronted him and told him the other girl told me everything, he continued to lie. I could get pass the kiss, had it happened one night where he made a stupid mistake, the fact he actively persued her is what hurts and I find that unforgiveable. Also the extent he went to cover up his tracks and lie to me. Thats a summary of what happened and why we broke up. Since we broke up almost 2mnths ago he has constantly being trying to get me back, I have not seen him face to face since the break up. He has promised me he will never do anything like that again, he wants to be committed/dedicated to me, have a future, marraige, children, hes said he'd go to counselling, get help for his anger, get himself sorted in general. He has told me that losing me due to him cheating has made him realise what he wants with me, and made him realise his egotistic ways have to change and are not what he wants in life. Am i naive??? Is it possible for a 'bad boy' to completley do a 360 with his moral compass and be a good man who wants to settle down? Sincerity or manipulation, i do not know? When trust is broken, it shatters and splinters in all directions. Distrust spreads like the little spider cracks do after a stone hits a windshield. Usually, the windshield has to be replaced. Keep looking for a new windshield . . . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cg_863 Posted January 28, 2016 Author Share Posted January 28, 2016 The trust is broken...and he's just a boyfriend...not a husband who you might want to think what you have at stake...plus no kids either..if he changes..good luck to the next girl..you've been there and done that. His lies and cheating will always be on your mind....you don't need that. You're worth more and fidelity should be a given in your relationship. Thank you, im at a crossroad at the moment whether to try again, but i imagine the thoughts of what he done with that other girl will haunt me, i dont believe i could let the lies and betrayl go, these messages are reassuring and point me in tbe right direction.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cg_863 Posted January 28, 2016 Author Share Posted January 28, 2016 When trust is broken, it shatters and splinters in all directions. Distrust spreads like the little spider cracks do after a stone hits a windshield. Usually, the windshield has to be replaced. Keep looking for a new windshield . . . I agree, if i decided to give him a second chance it will be at the cost of my own sanity.. thats it, the trust is shattered, time to get the courage to let go and walk away.. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 The cheating may or may not happen again. Some people DO learn a lesson and never do it again. But it is the rest of what you say that concerns me. There have been temper flared explosive rows, verbal abuse/threats, but when it was good it was amazing!!!! Everything bad I could forgive and look pass because I love him- until he cheated.. You sound EXACTLY like an abused wife. "But I love him." "When it is good, it is amazing." blah, blah, blah. Basically overlooking the fact that he is ABUSING you. Part of growing up is learning to balance head and heart. You don't just allow your heart to take your body and soul on a roller coaster ride with a crash ending. You know he isn't right for you. Whether or not he cheats again, he will most certainly do all the other bad stuff again. He is a Reality One person - someone who looks at a relationship as having a winner and a loser vs. a Reality Two person who looks at a relationship as a team who works together to solve issues that affect both people. The only way he will change his perspective is with serious intensive therapy. If you really really want him back, tell him something like this: "I love you still. I always will. But I cannot go back into that kind of volatile situation. I need to know I will be respected and treated kindly. If you want me back, I urge you to find a counselor to help you work through your anger issues. When the counselor feels it is time for you to be in a relationship again, we can start over and see what happens." See how committed he is to win you back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cg_863 Posted January 28, 2016 Author Share Posted January 28, 2016 The cheating may or may not happen again. Some people DO learn a lesson and never do it again. But it is the rest of what you say that concerns me. You sound EXACTLY like an abused wife. "But I love him." "When it is good, it is amazing." blah, blah, blah. Basically overlooking the fact that he is ABUSING you. Part of growing up is learning to balance head and heart. You don't just allow your heart to take your body and soul on a roller coaster ride with a crash ending. You know he isn't right for you. Whether or not he cheats again, he will most certainly do all the other bad stuff again. He is a Reality One person - someone who looks at a relationship as having a winner and a loser vs. a Reality Two person who looks at a relationship as a team who works together to solve issues that affect both people. The only way he will change his perspective is with serious intensive therapy. If you really really want him back, tell him something like this: "I love you still. I always will. But I cannot go back into that kind of volatile situation. I need to know I will be respected and treated kindly. If you want me back, I urge you to find a counselor to help you work through your anger issues. When the counselor feels it is time for you to be in a relationship again, we can start over and see what happens." See how committed he is to win you back Balancing my heart with my head, its a struggle alright... I wish I could believe all his promises and words about commitment etc but my gut tells me I cant... great advice thank you... i will advise him about counselling i agree we should be apart while he does it.. Link to post Share on other sites
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